Young Writers Society

Hi there!

I feel so horrible about this...I completely forgot about reviewing your novel (-_-;) But I'm back to review another chapter. Please don't be mad! Just kidding, I know you wouldn't get mad at me...just a little annoyed ^_^

Alrighty then. Onto the review!

The crisp scent of mountain air was a nice change from the polluted city air she was used to, and it would have been perfect if not for the disgusting scent of human flesh.

"Promise to watch over that girl for me will you?" Marya cocked an eyebrow. "My mother asked this of me and probably my other siblings. Just do it, okay?" Sighing, she slowly nodded her head in agreement.

Another pretty bloody and interesting chapter ^_^
I was surprised that the Wind Tamer Marya appeared so soon, but at the same time thrilled by her next move.

"With the agility of a panther, she lunged at her prey, taking them down one by one. One second she was kicking a man's head forward. One down. The next she was striking the vital pressure points at lightning speed. Six down."

Now that's a nice way to narrate a speedy beating

The development of her persona is interesting too, since she's supposed to be a girl with elemental powers, but she seem to despite humans, or at least consider them as strange creatures.

I wasn't expecting her to have two spirits (the second one being Sanna if I recall), and I'm eager to see how you'll develop the relationship between the two as well.
Also, why Sanna wants to protect Cerys, that's another question that needs to be answered. Cerys seem to be linked to the elementals in some way, andI wonder how much considerin she has the Devil Touch and a kind of magic in her.


Keep on writing, I can't wait for your finished chapter four

~Shell Master Tortwag~

BlueSquare here, to reivew your piece!
I really enjoyed this piece. I liked how their was a distant struggle between the mortal and the magical world, and that people with magical abilities (like demons, etc.) lived and were mixed in with mortals.
It was extremely descriptive (which isn't a bad thing) and very fluent. The piece flowed into itself as it went. I did notice a few things, which I'm going to mention here.

"They didn't seem to notice the girl hiding in the trees, and obviously they couldn't see her."
I felt as if this line was a little repetitive. You basically said the same thing twice, but just reworded it a little bit.

Also, every time you had one of your characters say something, there was a long paragraph after with no new paragraph. This may be correct, but that's how I write. I bet I've been writing it wrong the whole time. Haha!

Other than that, this piece was astounding. Like I said, descriptive and fluent. I especially liked the rustic and medieval feel that you added to the piece. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!

-BlueSquare

Hey Sushi, here to review as requested! This is a pretty short chapter overall, so I apologise in advance if my review is lacking at all.

Anyways, I thought this was a really nice follow up chapter from your last one. I like that we're introduced to another character through their perspective (so to speak anyway as this is a 3rd person novel). Marya seems really interesting, and I'm looking forward to finding out who she is exactly. I also like how you hinted that Cerys is special for whatever reason, but you did so without giving that reason away. It adds some mystery to the whole thing, which I think is pretty awesome. The technical side of your writing was good too, and nothing really stood out to me. As a result, the chapter flowed nice and smoothly!

With regards to critiques, there are only really two things that stood out to me. Now I reviewed the last chapter a while back (as in I have the memory of a decapitated goldfish, so the furthest my mind can go back is about five minutes), and so I can't remember if I mentioned this in that last review. Basically, I feel a little confused by the world this is set in. This is the third chapter now, and I'm still not overly sure how everything works. While I really like the addition of Marya, it does conjure up another string of questions in my head. Who is she? What's the deal with Sanna? How do they share a physical body? They seemed to be separate bodies in the scene you showed us, so I'm not too sure about that. Basically, I'm a very confusable person who'd maybe like to see some more explanation on some things.

Don't get me wrong here though, I don't want you to reveal absolutely every detail about absolutely everything. I want you to keep some mystery i.e. the mystery of what makes Cerys so special. I just personally think that you could explain and develop some things more deeply, for example, the whole sharing the same physical body thing surrounding Sanna and Marya. Just generally explain their situation a bit more really. Please do take this critique with a pinch of salt though because, well, this could easily just be a massive me issue. Maybe my attention spam is just really awful.

The only other thing that caught my attention in this chapter was the ending. The chapter as a whole made sense, it was believable, seemed natural e.t.c. but the ending caught me off guard a little. I'm talking about when Marya threw up and passed out. It just seemed really... random. Like it sprung from nowhere. Marya's been portrayed as a pretty tough, kick-ass kind of girl with a bit of an attitude (which I think is fantabulous), and so for her to suddenly pass out seems uncharacteristic of her. It wouldn't really be a problem if she hadn't beaten up (possibly killed) all of the other guys before seeing the Priest, but surely if she can easily do that then some gouged eyes shouldn't bother her much. It just seemed a bit inconsistent with her character is all, so I figured I better mention it.

But yus, I think that's it. Sorry if I've been a little useless here, but please do let me know when the next chapter's out (I see it's still a draft at the moment). I'd like to read and review it! You know where to find me if you have any questions or comments regarding this review, so please don't hesitate to do so. With some tweaking here and there, I think this chapter could be a really great addition to the novel.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Great chapter and a nice change from the devil girls's point of view. It provided a different perspective which was lacking before. I thought I didn't mind but it really helped hearing another person's viewpoint on the matter.

Now who is this person and her strange friend. It seems they are also wierd lie the devil girl. I am aware there are other touches so which is this or is this something else? I like how even though there is action you seem to foucs more on other things like little arguments and personalities. It helps move the plot along but you seem to be keeping to a specific line of thought. This has successfully introduced a new character.

Also kudos on shifting scenes. Going back to where we were before but then doing it from a different viewpoint helps provide perspective. With the devil child, I felt it too much like hunting prey when she killed. This one seems a little more human. But I did read she was immortal or at least not mortal since she refers to their affairs as mortal affairs of something.

So I can see the next chapter is out, I will get to that soon enough.

Hi there Sushi! Yazi here to review for you!
It's been a while since I've reviewed so please bear with me.
Alright, so this is so far my favorite chapter. It's interesting how you change the point of view of your book and I think this is an interesting way to introduce a new character rather than through the eyes of the main character.
There is one thing I must say though, Marya's reasoning makes a lot of sense and each thought flows from the previous (if that makes sense) but it's kind of like she knows too much about the main character just by looking at her. Is it so obvious that some people have powers that Marya would come to this conclusion?
I'm going to stop talking to you about grammar because you're pretty boss at that.
The details you give about how she kills everyone makes me squeamish. That's a good sign because it means it's realistic!
This is really good Sushi! You're a very good writer, I'm a fan of yours!
I hope this is encouraging, keep on writing!

This is amazing. I have noticed that you have really put a bunch of effort into writing this. It has a lot of great punctuation! You are a true writer!

omg!this is grand.,,,,am just new here can i be enlighted a little