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The Boy Who Broke Mirrors (Chapter Four)

by Sins


The Boy Who Broke Mirrors

(Chapter Four)

.

I'm shaking. Another car swipes along the road, whipping my hair into a manic frenzy over my face. I was just on that road. Right in the middle of it, and I didn't even realise. I was so busy sulking that I didn't even realise I'd stepped onto a road. How could I be so stupid? I'm still shaking. I can't stop. My heart is trying to smash out of my body and I realise I've forgotten to breathe. How long have I been holding my breath? I release it and it comes out shaking, just like the rest of me.

A hand clutches my sleeve, and I scream.

"Whoa, it's just me, relax. Are you okay? Not too wise of a move back there."

I spin around. I don't even process who it is at first, but when I do, my shaking turns into stammering. Preston. His hair is drenched, his usually wavy quiff stuck to his forehead. Someone tugged me backwards... Was that him? No way. If anything, he would have bloody pushed me into the car.

"Yes, I'm fine, I've got to go," I mutter, feeling the embarrassment over what just happened creeping in.

I turn away from Preston, unsure of what actually did just happened, and try walking on. My legs feel like they could cave in any second though, and I'm stumbling. What's wrong with me? I'm absolutely soaking. My clothes are sticking to me and I'm freezing. I'm still shaking, and I've no idea if it's because of the cold or the shock.

I glance at my phone to check the time: almost five o' clock. Dad should be on his way home from work soon, so I could try ringing him to see if he can pick me up. I'm about to stop stumbling onward to dial Dad's number when I hear footsteps jogging after me.

“Effie, wait!" Preston again. He nudges me under the shelter of a bus stop. "You're going to fall back onto the road at the rate you're going, and it would be rather traumatic on my behalf if you got trampled."

"It's fine, I can manage," I try to sound snappy, but I sound about as threatening as a kitten. "I'll call my dad to see if he can pick me up."

Preston nods and he finally seems satisfied. He waits with me under the bus stop as I call Dad, who picks up after the first ring.

"Hey Dad," I clear my throat as I realise my voice is still shaky. "Could you pick me up by any chance? I missed the college bus so I'm walking home, but it's raining really heavily and I'm a little freaked out because I tried, um, I sort of tried crossing a road without looking, and a car--" Dad says something, but I cut him off. "I'm fine, don't worry, I just need a lift home."

"Things are hectic here, Eff, I don't think I'll be able to pick you up until six at the earliest. Who are you with? Are you alone? Do you have any friends who live close by you can stay with until I pick you up? I don't want you on the street for another hour, especially not in the rain."

"My place is only five minutes up the road, if you want to stay there until your dad comes. I was headed there anyway," Preston, who I almost forgot was even there, suggests.

Dad must have heard Preston because he begins interrogating. "Who's that, is that your friend? Go to his house for a bit, darling, don't wait on the street."

"No, don't worry, I'll just walk home instead or some--"

"You're not walking home alone, Effie, just wait at your friend's, and I mean that. If I find out you've walked home or waited on the street, you are in deep trouble, young lady. I've got to go, okay, text me the house's address."

Before I can even say goodbye, Dad hangs up. Well I just made that situation ten times worse. I'd really rather not be alone with Preston for an hour, so when he tries leading me away from the bus stop and towards his house, I don't follow. I'm still shaking a little.

I raise my eyebrows at him. “If you think I’m going anywhere with you on my own, let alone a house that’s probably empty, you may as well find the nearest brick wall, ram your head into it, knock yourself out, wake up, and then repeat the process all over again.”

Instead of answering, Preston shoots me his signature smirk. He bends down and begins untying one of his Dr. Marten shoes until the shoelace is pulled out completely. He stands up, black lace in hand, and places his arms out in front of him. Both wrists are aligned against each other as a grin erupts onto his face.

“Tie my hands together.”

“What?" Jesus, he’s weird.

“I won't be able to harm you if my hands are tied, not that I’m conspiring to do anything anyway.”

Preston hands me his shoelace but I simply stare at him with the lace in my hand. With a smile still on his lips, he nods at his wrists as the shoelace starts feeling rougher and rougher against my fingertips. This guy does owe me a hell of a lot... Plus I know for a fact that if stay here and wait, Dad will just about kill me. With a sigh, I wrap the lace around Preston’s wrists. All the while, I can hear him humming an unrecognisable tune that has a beat perfectly in sync with the pattering raindrops.

Preston’s hands are still tied as we enter his house. He's clearly lost all kinds of common sense because he left his front door wide open whenever he left earlier, and so we’re able to casually stroll inside. It's nowhere near as big as Robbie’s house, but it’s still rather impressive with a long, narrow hallway on the bottom floor leading to at least five open doors. I'm walking fairly steadily now, minus the occasional stumble, and I've texted Dad the address so I shouldn't have to wait long. Since I tied his hands together Preston’s not said a word to me. The only sound he’s made is that tuneless humming, and he carries on doing just that as he leads me up the carpeted stairs.

Once we’ve reached the landing upstairs, I’m led into a large bedroom with walls covered in colourful posters of what would be an eight-year-old boys’ dream, from pictures of threatening dinosaurs to Power Rangers battling each other. The double bed’s duvet has an image of some cartoon car on it, and there are curtains to match. I want to assume this is Preston’s bedroom, but if it is then there is something seriously wrong with the boy.

“This isn’t your bedroom, right?” I ask, slightly worried about the reply I’m going to get.

I don’t have to be wary about what the answer might be though because Preston doesn’t give me one. He says nothing.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re really weird?” I ask him.

“Has anyone ever told you that your first name sounds like an STD?”

“You’ve asked me that already, remember?” I snap back at him.

“I didn’t receive an answer, so I’m asking again.”

He doesn’t get one this time either, and instead, I shoot him a glare. He winks at me before wandering over to a silver stereo in the corner of the room. Rather awkwardly, as his hands are still tied, he fiddles around with it until I see him pop a CD into the machine. All the while, I’m sitting on the bed with my wet hair dripping over the cartoon car and wishing I at least had something to dry off with.

“I’ll get you a towel now,” Preston says as if he’s just read my mind. “And leave you with the soothing sound of Lithium by Nirvana.”

I look up to see him turning away from the stereo as a song begins to play, and I don’t take my eyes off him until I see the back of his worn out suede jacket disappear out the doorway completely. Unless my perception of normality is upside down, Preston’s a tad strange, and certainly not the Zack Maddox I met the night of Robbie Morrissey’s party. Any annoyance I have towards Zack is being slowly overcome by my curiosity and desperate need for an explanation.

By the time Preston returns I’m tapping my knees in rhythm to the song in the background, but quickly stop to catch the cream towel he throws to me. I manically rub my damp hair for a while until I realise that he doesn't have a towel himself. He's just as soaked as me. Come to think of it, why doesn't he drive home from college? Assuming he has a license and a car, that is.

"Aren't you going to dry your hair or anything?" I ask.

"I like rain."

As if that's a satisfactory answer he shuts his eyes and sits against the wall opposite the bed. I scrub at my hair for another five minutes, and when I'm done he’s lying on the carpeted floor with his eyes shut as he lights a cigarette from his jacket pocket. The Nirvana song is playing for the third time, I’ve dried myself off, the rain outside has fizzled out into nothing but moist air, and I’m questioning Preston’s trustworthiness. I really hope Dad gets here soon. Before my thoughts can develop further, Preston mutters.

“Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth, but sadly we don’t speak bird.”

“What?”

“It’s something Kurt Cobain wrote. The vast majority of people believe he was crazy, but I believe he was spot on.” Preston takes a drag, then opens his eyes to stare at the smoke he breathes out. “I maintain this theory that those who are labelled as sane are actually the clinically insane while those who are labelled as the clinically insane are actually sane. All of the legitimate crazy people are too busy living what they perceive as normal lives to realise that those they call crazy are the ones they should be listening to. The ones who know what the hell is going on in the world.”

I open my mouth but quickly realise I have no idea what to say, so I just sit there with a gormless look on my face. Preston’s silent as well and if it wasn’t for the song playing in the background, the room would be dead.

“Sorry, you don’t want a cigarette, do you?”

I shake my head. “No thanks, I don’t smoke.”

“Despite what everyone claims, it won’t kill you.” There’s a grin on his face. “Only the parts you don’t like.”

“I doubt your lungs would agree,” I mutter.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s just tobacco in that cigarette of his. Preston begins laughing quietly, then sits himself back up against the blue wall. He stands again as he awkwardly puts his burnt out cigarette into his pocket with his hands still tied. I’m extremely tempted to inform him of how there’s a good chance he’ll soon be on fire. I leave him to it though as he mumbles something inaudible. I don’t even get the chance to question him because before my mind can conjure up anything to say, he’s left the room again.

Well then, as lovely as this has been, I think I should maybe wait outside the house for Dad instead. As the temptation to do just that arises though, a completely different temptation overwhelms me. I could always have a little nosy around, couldn’t I? This is the home and possibly even bedroom, though I dearly hope not, of the famous Zack Maddox after all.

Screw it, why not?

I quietly lift myself off the bed and scan the room from corner to corner. My only guess is that Preston has a younger brother, but then why on earth would we be in his room instead of Preston’s? Besides, he really shouldn’t be smoking in here if it is his little brother’s room. Questions dance around my head as I wander around the room, and I become more and more confused at every colourful childlike poster and ornament I pass. By the time I reach the other side of the bed something metallic catches my eye, and as I approach it, I realise that it’s a silver photo frame. I pick the frame up as I sit back down onto the bed.

Encased in the silver border is a young woman with eyes like amber tinted crystals, and standing beside her is a young blonde boy, whose eyes match hers. On the woman’s lap sits an olive-skinned toddler. The blonde boy must be Preston. Does that mean this is his room? Is that his mum? Who's the other boy? They seem to be in some kind of children’s play area in this photo, and as I focus on the woman in it, I notice that she has a navy apron on. Actually, is that even an apron? It’s definitely some kind of bib or apron... Why would she be wearing something like that? 

“I think your dad's here.” The sound of Preston’s voice behind me makes me jump out of my skin, and I slam the photo frame onto my lap. "I hear a car engine."

My heart’s battering against my chest as I suddenly remember where I am. I jump off the bed as I place the photo frame back into place as subtly as I can. I really hope he didn’t catch me looking through his stuff. When I turn to face Preston though, I exhale heavily as I notice that his eyes are shut, and the small smile on his pale lips implies anything but anger. He’s sitting against the wall with a cigarette in-between his fingers again as if he never left the room in the first place. When did he come back?

I glance out the square window to see Dad's indistinguishable four-by-four parked at the end of Preston's street. How the hell can Preston hear the engine from here? It's making a faint humming sound, but that could have been any car for all he knows. My phone vibrates with a text from Dad saying he's outside.

"Do me a favour," Preston says as I reach the bedroom doorway.

I look at him questioningly, and he responds by nodding at his hands. I completely forgot they were still tied. I quickly untie them, and he thanks me as I head back towards the doorway.

“I suppose I’ll be seeing you in the foreseeable future,” he mutters. “Bye for now, Euphegenia.”

I turn to him to see that his eyes are closed again. “Yeah... bye,” I reply.

As I make my way back down the stairs I can hear the same Nirvana song replaying in the background for what feels like the hundredth time. It's only now I actually remember why I came here in the first place. The car whizzing past me--literally inches away--replays in my mind. Did Preston really pull me back? It's the only logical explanation, and now that my mind is actually functioning properly, I realise that he must have. A wave of guilt almost knocks me over as I realise how much of a bitch I've been. I didn't even thank him. I still want to throttle him for being such a dick to me before, admittedly, but still. Maybe we're even now he's stopped me getting splattered by a car. I hesitate and consider going back upstairs to say a thank you, but quickly dismiss the thought. It's probably best I just leave.

The front door’s still open, and so I make sure to close it as I step outside the building. I can still see it when I’m standing at the end of the street a few minutes later. Dad's car hums beside me. I don’t get into it for a while though because as I stare towards the direction of Preston’s house, it’s impossible not to notice that the front door is, once again, wide open.

* * * * *

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Sun Jun 12, 2016 9:14 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hello again!

Specifics

1. Yeah... having it be Preston is too predictable and cliche. I was hoping to come review this chapter and be able to give you brownie points for not going with the obvious! This kind of thing makes the novel read like it's a love story and not a very subtle one, which is something you want to avoid even if it is ;)

2.

I turn away from Preston, unsure of what actually did just happened, and try walking on.


3.
This guy does owe me a hell of a lot... Plus I know for a fact that if [color=red]I/color] stay here and wait, Dad will just about kill me.


4.
I'm walking fairly steadily now, minus the occasional stumble, and I've texted Dad the address so I shouldn't have to wait long.
But you already established that his house wasn't far and that she has to wait an hour. That's a long time so this line doesn't make sense.

Overall

I feel like Effie needs to make an observation about how easy it should be for Preston to untie his hands because shoelaces are not that long so there can't have been much of it to knot? I'll admit I've not tried it before but it seems the kind of thing that would be easy to shake off.

I don't think this is your best chapter, but I'm mostly prejudiced because it started with that huge coincidence and then I struggled to take the rest of the events seriously - him saving her life him asking her back to his house, her accepting. It seemed unlikely that her dad wouldn't send someone to pick her up or tell her to get a taxi and charge it to their house if he was that worried. Like, is her mother in? If so, surely she gets the taxi and then her mum pays for it? And what is her dad doing that is more important than his daughter's safety? Dad's tend to be pretty crazy on that front and I can personally attest to mind having never failed to pick me up and I've called him at a crazy hour once or twice.

I like the dialogue as always and the sense of wit, but even in terms of Effie being sarcastic and gun, this chapter wasn't as strong in tone as the previous ones. I think maybe you need a better reason for them to end up at Preston's house or it might be more intriguing if he just follows her home and is generally annoying creepy. He redeems himself a little too quickly here as well so that would give us more time to wonder if he's a jerk or not.

See you at the next chapter!

~Heather




Sins says...


Hihi! Thanks muchly for your reviews, and sorry for not acknowledging them sooner. I'm currently without a laptop (and am abroad) so am running around like a bit of a headless chicken atm when it comes to YWS.

As I'm writing this, I just realised this is the older version of the novel I've posted on YWS, and have completely forgotten to take down/make private because I'm useless :P The updated/edited version has been posted this year. It's not a major issue as this veraion is *pretty much* the same, plot-wise. The newer version is just cleaner and all that, so continue with that one for lower rates of cringe and eye sores :P

Thanks again anywho, your feedback is super appreciated!



Rydia says...


Oh! I don't know how I ended up on the older version as I could have sworn I was following the links at the side but noted and I'll be sure to find the new version of the next chapter! :)



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Mon Oct 06, 2014 8:28 pm
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Gravity wrote a review...



Hello.
I've said this several times, if you're sick of my reviews, just let me know. Anyway, I'm Gravity as usual so yeah. That's that.

I really haven't been finding many mistakes. Almost non at all.

Dr. Marten

Call me picky but this irks me. Most people in the US (most people in general) just call these boots Doc Martens. No parenthesis. And also, dang. He's loaded. Designer. :)

“Tie my hands together.”

“What?" Jesus, he’s weird.

“I won't be able to harm you if my hands are tied, not that I’m conspiring to do anything anyway.”
This is perf. Like I can't even. I'm totally going to start a fandom for your novel.

Preston’s a tad strange, and certainly not the Zack Maddox I met the night of Robbie Morrissey’s party. Any annoyance I have towards Zack is being slowly overcome by my curiosity and desperate need for an explanation.

By the time Preston returns, I’m tapping my knees in rhythm to the song


I really love what you did here. You mentioned "Preston's" new name and then "Zack's" old name as if he's changed identities. The use in Juxtaposition here is really cool.

I’m defiantly unsure of Preston’s trustworthiness. I really hope Dad gets here soon. Before my thoughts can


I think "Defiant" here is supposed to be "Definitely".

Other than that, Nothing really stood out to me. Again, you're use of dry humor is exquisite and I'm really looking forward to reading the next chapter. I can't wait to see what mysteries Effie will uncover about Zack/Preston. He almost seems like a cross of your regular football jock and his quirkiness reminds me of Augusts Waters from John Greene's The Fault in Our Stars

Well. Have a good day. Happy Writing!

XOXO,
Gravity




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Sun Sep 08, 2013 10:48 am
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Renard wrote a review...



I'm starting to notice a pattern here. Your name is Skins and your protagonist is called Effie. And you're British. Hmm... Are my suspicions correct?
Regardless, your writing is still amaze-balls. (And I never say that.)
Are you a Nirvana fan? Snap, if you are. Good song choice, by the way, Lithium is one of the best! :)
Um... this chapter was good, but I didn't really see the point of it apart from character development. Looking forward to seeing where the next chapter goes and as always pretty much perfect. :)




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:43 am
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StellaThomas wrote a review...



My favourite series of books when I was younger was Sheltie. I better get that pony tomorrow.

*ahem* review time.

So this... I wasn't really so sure about this one. It all seemed very random. Like, why was he there on the road? Is he stalking her? Maybe he's stalking her. And how close really was the car to hitting her- don't you think it might have stopped when it saw the schoolgirl in the middle of the road? How fast do people usually go in the rain anyway?

Then I found the fact that a) he invited her back to his house and b) she accepted altogether pretty weird. I mean, I'm from Ireland. You're from Wales. How often do people invite you to their house to dry off? Especially people you only vaguely know and largely detest? So maybe he did invite her, for one reason or another, but I'm really shocked that she accepted.

I think that apart from that, my main problem was that we don't see inside Effie's emotions enough, because for all of this I wasn't quite clear on how she was feeling. I assumed she'd be feeling scared/vulnerable and you sometimes suggest that but for the large part she seems chatty and sarcastic, even in her own mind. I think the fact he got his hands untied would really have freaked me out in her position- and I know I'm not her, but her panic seemed to last all of five seconds. I really think you need to delineate her emotions a lot more in this chapter- it's a very charged situation. Treat it like one :)

Other than that, I don't have too many complaints. It was intriguing, the little boy's room and all (although tut-tut for smoking inside Preston!) I look forward to seeing what happens next!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:23 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Bby. You better buy me that Shetland pony, whatevs that is.

I was just on that road. Right in the middle of it, and I didn't even realise. I was so busy sulking that I didn't even realise I'd stepped onto a road.


Repeating the same thing twice. Either combine or omit a sentence. ;)

Does that mean thisishis room?


Italics hate you! Space, space.

Well, isn't Preston a strange one? Is he okay in the head? He seems so much different that the Zach we met at the party. Is this even the same person? I dearly hope that is cleared up soon.

Seriously, though, I can't wait to diagnose him. Who is he, really? He's so strange! I'm very curious to know about the room - maybe he has a son? Maybe it was his room as a boy?

Another great chapter, babes. Just fix those nitpicks! Off to read chapter four!

Just keep writing.

~ Iggy.




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Wed Jul 24, 2013 5:41 pm
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ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Here for chapter 3!

Righty, you've gotten some pretty good reviews which I've skimmed over a bit so I don't repeat anything anyone else has said, but if I do I'm sorry! I'll start with what I liked. The flow and pacing was really good and as I said in the previous chapter, the style is really good. The first paragraph is especially good. I also liked how we know so much more about Zac Preston, even if some of it's a bit unexpected (I'll mention that later.)

Okay so something that I didn't really get is why Effie got so shocked that Preston helped her off the street. I get why she'd be angry at him, after the events at the party, but why is she so shocked by it. I mean, if I saw my enemy about to get hit by a car, I'd do my best to prevent it, it seemed like a bit of an over-reaction. She thinks of him almost like the devil, it's a bit odd.

Now, I liked how so much more depth has been added to Zac's character in this chapter, however a few things are bugging me. Firstly, why is he so popular? He seems like some grunge-loving geeky guy, yet everyone adores him. Is it just because he's fit? I mean, I'm not trying to go for that stereo-type that smart guys can't be popular, but all of him personality doesn't add up to a popular guy. Also- wait, how can he be a tutor if he's the same age? (I should've said this is the last chapter's review) But yeah, he's giving up his free time to help and it just doesn't really add up.

This overall was a good addition to the story! Although nothing really big and action-y happens, we learn loads more about the characters which is good. Something to mention is that Zac's character to me is seeming a little unrealistic, and then why does Effie love it so much? Why do the rest of the school love it so much? This review feels a bit useless, but let me know if you have any questions or comments about this review.


Keep writing!
-Arc x




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Mon Jul 22, 2013 5:02 am
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See here? The first paragraph here, with its introspection and angst, echoes the first chapter and is again exploring Effie's brain. I like it. It's consistent, it's full of character.

Preston is a bit... pushy. Take my personal preferences into consideration for this review and so take everything I say with a grain of salt, but I find him more creepy than attractive or interesting. Like, seriously. Dude is creeping me out. Why is he so fixated on Effie? Or is he just like that with everyone? His superior attitude isn't charming, it's just kind of annoying.

“I won't be able to harm you if my hands are tied, not that I’m conspiring to do anything anyway.”

Um, what? I mean, I can kind of see where he's going with this, but what if he were to claim that she was kidnapping him? Or he has buddies? Like, this is not really a good excuse to follow him around. And again, why continue to follow him around? He's being consistently nothing but a jerk since she met him - the jerkishness just has been manifesting in different ways. Between the harassment, the assault, the near-stalking, and the creepy suggestions, he hasn't been a very nice person to her. So, despite him offering her some minor comforts - which, doesn't she have where she is going? - she really has no reason to be spending any time with him.

Also, he completely negates this by untying himself later. Yeah, that's a great way to be inspiring trust in someone else - completely going back on a guarantor of safety.

I'm just having a hard time getting into this when there is such an obvious glaring character issue here, as a matter of personality clashes. Why is Effie interested by him at all? Yes, he's strange. That's as much as we've gotten at all and it's not really a good enough reason. What about his strangeness is attractive? Why does she think it's worth it to be snooping around his stuff, or be around his stuff at all? Again, more exploration. Dig a bit deeper into Effie's psyche about this. She wants to get a reaction out of him. Okay, that's awesome. Run with it. I want to see why she wants to do that. Is it a way of getting back at him? So why keep going right along with his plans? Why not just do what she wants? Is she too trapped by normalcy?

I'm kind of getting a Manic Pixie Dream Girl vibe from Preston, like some sort of gender counterpart. And I feel like he needs more character than that.

I dunno. Just ramblings. Shout out if you need anything.

~Gryph




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Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:24 pm
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Twit wrote a review...



Skinssssicle. Where’s my Shetland pony? I want a pony. I shall name him Frodo. Or Bill. Or Alfred.


By the time I’ve been trudging home for ten minutes, I start becoming concerned for my sanity.

Suggest something like Ten minutes into my walk home, I start doubting my sanity.


Or maybe I just need something to distract myself from the pouring rain that’s falling on my head as I drag myself through the trek home from college.

It’s nitpicky, but this makes me think of a rain-cloud hovering over her so the rain just falls on her head and not the rest of her… It’s especially buggy because the hardest, most meanest, most all-drenching rain I’ve ever experienced was in Wales.


Once twenty minutes has passed, I’ve lost the will to even try and distract myself.

Suggest ‘after twenty minutes’, as this sounds like these are twenty specific minutes.


Instead though, I yell after it, painting my speech with a variety of colourful swear words.

Awkward wording. :mrgreen: I’m not sure exactly how to word this, because I know what you mean, but can’t think of a good way to say it… Perhaps, The car’s already out of sight, so all I can do is yell swear words after it or I have to make do with/I content myself with yelling swear words/curses after it


“I don’t believe the car travelling at what I’d approximately calculate as fifty miles per hour can hear you, sorry.” A voice disrupts me from my shouting in an impeccably casual manner, and it’s a voice that’s becoming all too familiar all too quickly.

Awkward phrasing. Suggest, “I don’t believe that the car travelling at at fifty miles per hour can hear you.” The casual voice is one that’s becoming all too familiar all to quickly. Or similar, but try to cut down the amount of wordses.


I turn around at the sound of a voice to to see a figure leaning against a blue bus stop that I hadn’t even noticed was there.

Suggest delete bolded, and suggestions in blue.


Being sure to stay on the opposite end of the stop, I nudge myself under its shelter.

‘Nudge’ is an odd word choice, but it could be Effie being quirky, so it’s up to you.


“Bloody hell, are you everywhere?” I mumble to him.

Suggest delete bolded.


Instead of receiving a verbal response, Preston shoots me his signature smirk.

Suggest Instead of answering/Rather than answering.


He doesn’t say a thing as he bends down and begins untying the shoelace of one of hisDr. Martenshoes until it’s pulled out completely.

Suggest reword to He bends down and unties one of his Dr Martens, and pulls out the shoelace or similar.


He stands back up, black lace in hand, before placing his arms out in front of him. Both wrists are aligned against each other as a grin erupts onto his face.

Suggest reword to He stands up and holds his arms out in front of him with the wrists together. He grins.


“I’ll be incapable of harming you if my hands are tied, not that I’m conspiring to do anything anyway.”

Preston seems to like long words, so it could be just his way, but this feels a bit stilted.


Preston hands me his shoelace before placing his wrists back into position, but I simply stare at him with the lace in my hand.

Suggest delete bolded.


With a smile still on his lips, he nods at his wrists as the shoelace starts feeling rough against my fingertips.

This makes it sound as though the shoelace suddenly changes its texture, so suggest delete bolded, and reword the rest.


I know it’s probably a really bad idea, but I’m soon wrapping the lace around Preston’s wrists.

I don’t know if this is a tense switch or something, but this feels wrong. Suggest just but I wrap the lace.



It’s nowhere near as big as Robbie’s house, but it’s still rather impressive, with a narrow but long hallway on the bottom floor leading to at least five open doors.

Suggest ‘long narrow hallway’ and comma.


Instead, he’s carried on humming to himself, and he carries on doing just that as he leads me up the carpeted stairs.

Repetition of ‘carried/carries’. Suggest The only sound he’s made is that tuneless huming, and he carries on…


“This isn’t your bedroom, right?” I ask, slightly worried about the potential answer.

Suggest reword to slightly worried about the answer I’m going to get or delete.


Instead, I shoot him a glare as he winks at me before wandering over to a silver stereo in the corner of the room.

Sentence is too cluttered.


The inquisitive side of me, on the other hand, is begging me to stay because any irritancy I have towards Zack is slowly becoming overcome by a wave of curiosity and the desperate need for an explanation.

Suggest reword to But my inquisitive side is begging me to stay. Any annoyance I have towards Zack is being slowly overcome by my curiosity and desperate need for an explanation.


Before my thoughts can develop further, Preston begins muttering.

Suggest ‘mutters’ as it’s smoother.


Preston takes a drag before finally opening his eyes to stare at the smoke he’s about to breathe out.

This makes it sound like he’s looking at the smoke before he’s breathed it out.


Now that Preston’s informed me that I, along with billions of other people in the world, am insane, I think I really better leave.

Suggest I think I had better leave.


There must be a bewildered look on my face because Preston begins laughing quietly, then sits himself back up against the blue wall. He’s soon standing again though as he puts his burnt out cigarette into his pocket, and I’m extremely tempted to inform him of how there’s a good chance he’ll soon be on fire.

Bolded is awkward.


As the temptation to leave arises again though, a completely different temptation overwhelms me.

Suggest delete ‘though’.


I quietly lift myself off the bed my bum’s been engraved into for what feels like a century, and scan the room from corner to corner.

Suggest delete bolded.


Encased in the silver border is a young woman with eyes like orange tinted crystals, and sitting on her lap is a young blonde boy, whose eyes match hers.

Finding this difficult to picture. She has orange eyes? Eyes that look like rocks?


“Uh, yeah… I better go now then,” I finally manage to say as I make my way towards the bedroom door with flushed cheeks.

Suggest delete bolded.

---

Mmm, very interesting… Deep waters, my SkinWatson. Maybe Zack’s Batman. That would make sense. Batman makes everything make sense.

I like that this chapter shows us more of Effie and the elusive Zack/Preston, and I really like this quiet little moment that they have together, an interval of Nirvana and weirdness.

Prose-wise, most of the rewords I suggested were just to do with cutting out excess phrases. Your sentences are often quite busy, so they kind of sag in the middle and the beginning gets forgotten because you have too much happening in one line. Also, I’m not sure if it’s passive voice, but you don’t always say things directly, and instead you approach them from behind, which makes for more words than necessary. Like saying ‘X did Y before doing Z’ or ‘With Y, X did Z’ which makes your sentences drag a bit. (I don’t know if those equations make sense at all. >_<)

PM or Wall me if I wasn’t clear on anything!

-twit




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Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:38 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

“If you think I’m going anywhere with you on my own, let alone a house that’s probably empty, you may as well find the nearest brick wall, ram your head into it, knock yourself out, wake up, and then repeat the process all over again.”

I found this truly hilarious. That could just be because it's 4 in the morning and I went to sleep like three hours ago, but I laughed for a while at this.I don't know...just wanted to share that.

Overall this is a good chapter. I really, truly enjoyed it. I'm starting to like this girl. She's quite sarcastic and definitely a bit insane. No, I'm kidding. If she's insane than I should be in an insane asylum 'cause I do all the stuff she does. Literally, I was reading the part about ways she was entertaining herself on the walk home and I was thinking, "whoa, that's me!" It's kind of sad really.

Anyways, the descriptions were really good in this chapter. I could really imagine everything. My favorite description was the one of Preston's room. Here he is, this charismatic, flirty kid who has a bedroom full of Power Rangers stuff and dinosaurs. It's like Preston is this whole complicated guy who Ellie (that is her name right? I'd be embarrassed if it wasn't...) is just starting to understand. And as she figures him out, we figure him out as well.

Although there was zero action in this at all--well, I guess the incident with Ellie running after the car cursing is technically action--it moves the plot along well. Now we have a better idea of who Preston is and how Ellie can deal with him. It's great character development. Two thumbs up for that.

I really couldn't think of anything wrong with this to be honest. Your grammar and spelling is good, although I have to resist the urge to fix it because I'm American XD The only thing I'd say, and it's just something small, is that I wonder why Ellie couldn't have taken a bus home from school. There's obviously stops seeing as Preston is leaning against one when she runs into him. Did she not have enough money to take the bus or something? And she must live kinda close to the University if she could walk home. That's really the only thing I can say.

Good job with this. I can't wait until the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Thu Jul 18, 2013 1:00 pm
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carbonCore wrote a review...



Just a heads up: I've read the preceding chapters of this as well, so this review may include general comments drawing on those chapters as well as this specific chapter.

So I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that Zack/Preston will eventually be the romantic interest. The I-don't-know-whys give it away, the annoying little monsters that are present in too many romantic works for my taste. She doesn't know why she starts tying his hands together and therefore tacitly accepting his offer. She doesn't know why she won't just leave his house. He calls her insane and yet she still doesn't leave, still ignorant of this force that holds her there. Unfortunate, because I would much like to know what Effie sees in this intrusive, egotistic, indulgent pseudo-intellectual.

Is it the power of love? Or is it Zack's polished, shiny pecs? Is Effie falling for his bad-boy-turned-good image? I just don't know. If I were a girl and my almost-rapist offered to go to his place to give me some towels and new clothes, I would run screaming, I would hope. Of course I don't know if he'd actually do anything unforgivable at that party, but a) he already invaded her privacy by barging into the washroom, b) he tried making out with her against her wishes and c) he was drunk. Something tells me that if someone didn't poison Zack, Effie would not be batting her eyelashes at this guy in the rain now, and instead crying in the shower for hours every day. His words about giving Effie chances to escape do little to erase his rapey image.

The mystique that is being built around him in this chapter isn't working for me. Initially, when first introduced as Preston, he struck me as a nerd -- cool -- but later, he gets a sad university dropout vibe, trying to impress a girl with intellectual-sounding gibberish. So far he hasn't said anything that actually gave me pause and made me sit down and think. Well, except maybe the Kurt Cobain quote -- although that wasn't his, I suppose I have to at least give him credit for crediting Cobain with it properly.

On the other hand, I adore Aidan. He's goofy and at the same time not superficial. He's gay but he doesn't rub his gayness in everyone's face. Very balanced character, funny, overall enjoyable to read.

Effie is a reasonable, strong-willed girl, until she starts coming down with the I-don't-know-whys. I would like to see her put up more resistance to Zack, but otherwise, I'm content with her as the main character.

Your writing style is much stronger than what I saw in A Shot Of Arrogance. Your descriptions are mercifully few, and the ones that do pop up seamlessly merge into the prose and do not feel tacked on. Most of the story's flesh is action that moves the plot forward, like a professionally-written novel. I'm particularly impressed with your dialogue -- it is smooth, believable, enjoyable, and easy to read. Aidan's bus driver hijinks come to mind as a particularly well written bit of speech.

Having said all those nice things, I must still say I don't like the story overall. When the romantic interest (or at least one of the main characters) keeps arousing the urge in me to rip off his stupid arm and club him to death with the wet end, I am annoyed. When the main character appears to show some budding interest in that douche for no explained reasons, I become cranky -- like if I were a cat and the story was rubbing me against the direction of my fur. I'm okay with a douche character, even a douche love interest, but I don't like it when the main character starts falling for him so quickly. And yes, she is falling for him -- if she isn't, the I-don't-know-whys are certainly giving me the impression that she is.

Your university dropout,
cC




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Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:38 am
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Gabriellemarice99 wrote a review...



I love this story! The introduction was my favorite part because it revels her private parts. This chapter was less action more thought and I like that. You are starting to show more and more about the characters while still leaving mystery in your plot. You are a brilliant writer and I believe this story will go far.
XOXO Gabby




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Mon Jul 15, 2013 12:49 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Skins :D

I do like this chapter, dare I say. It seems like the beginning of understanding Zack a whole lot more. I liked how she has all these questions about his room and the picture in the frame... it's always good to have a mystery to solve in the future. And all these quotes, as well as symbolism me thinks, with the door always being open and the whole insane/sane thing. I love it :D

Uhm... criticism. I don't have any for you today :) I think you've made the conversations flow more smoothly, and I see characters developing. It would be nice if she didn't always feel clueless and staring though. A girl has got to have some intelligence.

I liked the first paragraph again, because it gave us a bit of insight into her character, and I'm pretty sure most of us can relate to that. At least... I can :P It's all looking up for this chapter and looking forwards to more!

Deanie x




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Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:35 am
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ShadowKnight155 wrote a review...



"I’ve dried myself off, ... , and I’m defiantly unsure of Preston’s trustworthiness."

Defiantly? Ah, spell check, our worst enemy! I think you meant definnatelyllly... ERG I CANT SPELL IT ... NEED SPELL CHECK ;D

"famous Zack Maddox"

Not a problem in contiguous novel form, but in YWS form, any first time readers would probably be a little thrown off now that he likes being called "Preston." I probably wouldn't change that, I assume Zack is a reference to his more devious character.
~ * ~
The tone of this part seems ... like before it felt normallyish, now it feels more like he's mysterious in a fantasy way. Like Edward in the first Twilight [I read the first book :3].

And, I'm not sure, but I almost felt Aiden was like the main character, seeing his story through her eyes. Of course, it's all THEIR story(s), too, their interactions. As an interpretation of the title, I would now infer it could either be Aiden combating some stereotype, gender roles, or "Zack" betraying his public view, breaking the reflection people saw of him. Other wise known as being the more prestigious Preston.

Alas, these are more my interpretations and reflections, not really fixes. Though I feel that's definately (did I spell it right? Why is it so hard to spell...) helpful for you.

And I'm still here, so I liked it! Where's my pony!?

PS: tyres... it makes me cringe xD In good ol 'Murica, we call em tires. lol

--SK15





Writing is the geometry of the soul.
— Plato