Blah

by ambeezyk

Published July 13, 2013

16+

In Come away with me.

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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Comments & reviews · 1
This work has been locked
barefootrunner wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2013

Hi there! And once again, happy review day!

You need to read over this and check to make sure your direct speech is right, and your capitalization is constant. You made a small "i" and a "walker", and some of your dialogue also lacks punctuation and capitalization. You can look at the Knowledge Base, Grammar and Research for an article on dialogue or direct speech. It's really worth it!

Okay, you have some incongruous aspects of Nadya's character that need to be addressed. How could she, in that very sensitive time period, possibly dare to wink at a man? How could she say things so callously? Her conversation with the man was utterly rude and scandalous! You need to address these things so that she at least acts like a girl of her time period! And if she so much loves the man, why doesn't she give her name? If she is too embarrassed, make the readers know it! It's not just the actions that count, it's the feelings and thoughts that go with it.

You have some details missing in the story. We need more description of the market place, the carriage, the people. Not just the all-important bits! Also, what happened to the cart careening down the road? Did it hit a wall and come to a stop? Surely it should have hit someone else in that busy marketplace! Tell us what happened to it to set our minds at rest.

Otherwise, good work! I hope to see more of you and if you ever need help, a review, or just want to chat, you're welcome to contact me :)

Just keep writing!

barefootrunner



It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person
— starchild314