EnigmaticSpirit here to review your chapter! (Sorry if I make any spelling mistakes myself, I am deaf)
I'll start off by saying that you have a couple of minor grammatical and spelling errors which are highlighted in red. Example:
I can #FF0000 ">fainly hear her say,
This should be "faintly".
I am pretty well with a sword.
This sentence sounds strange as the wording here is wrong. It should be:
I am pretty good with a sword.
Another grammatical mistake you made was:
Oh, and we aren't allowed to #FF0000 ">where armour.
You have used "where" in the wrong context. It should be "wear" instead.
This chapter also needs to be padded out more as everything is happening very quickly. It is also missing a few elements, such as the settings. What do the surroundings look like? Is it crowded with people? Is it damp? Is it humid?
The second element is characterisation. You don't describe any of the characters' features, apart from Metalli who you say has a British accent. This makes it more difficult for the reader to connect with the characters. I want to be able to learn more about the characters and what they are like, what personalities they have, etc, etc.
The third element is emotion. Again, it's difficult to be able to feel any of the characters' emotions as they are not described. E.g. When Will is shoved against the wall by a stranger and when he is challenging Metalli to a duel. This also means that an atmosphere is not built up and it doesn't feel as tense as it should be during the chapter.
You also need to include more dialogue/
Other than that, I thought this was a good piece with a good cliffhanger that left me wanting to read more!
Happy Writing!
Points: 241
Reviews: 46
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