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First Night Out: Part 2

by Legibletext


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

First Night Out: Part 2

As soon as Carly hopped in Derrick’s car, he sped off like a psycho killer on the run, showing off his neat wheels (his Prius). The three kids were all super pumped to party and chanted “Fun” three times. Oh my gods don’t even go there…*cough* Friday.

They were all wearing outfits totally different from each other. Carly had her T-String on, whereas Derrick was wearing a grim reaper suit. “I thought it might be funny! Yeah! Hahahahahahhahaha!”

He just continued to laugh until he almost veered off the road killing everyone in the vehicle and on the street. Stella was dressed conservatively in her cardigan and ridiculously long skirt-dress thingy. “I think guys might go for me if they think I’m pure.” She said, pleased by her decision. “Well” began Derrick “if it were me I’d just want a chick that was willing to donate her vaginal fluids, but other guys might be different.” At that inappropriate resolution they arrived at the hottest club in town; Ecstasy. Derrick was already totally ‘smashed’ on booze so his parking was just a tad off (he parked in a disabled spot).

As soon as they parked, Carly stepped out of the car; one leg at a time, gently stroking her leg in the process, hoping some nearby males might spot her flaunting herself and winking flirtatiously. One man in particular noticed her, as she licked her lips gazing freakishly into his eyes, not looking away. The man just fastened his pace and escaped from Carly as quickly as possible.

“Call me” screeched Carly, waving in the direction of the fleeing gentleman. “I don’t think he is that interested” added Stella nervously, careful not to piss her off. Derrick was taking a piss around the corner, unaware that he was doing it right near a gay strip club. Carly just snorted in annoyance and disgust at Stella, glaring at her, clearly insulted. “Your advice is invalid to me, the only males you have experience with are priests and your father, so why trust your judgement.” Stella shot her head right down, embarrassed. Carly just grabbed her by the arm aggressively and dragged her toward the entrance of the club. She called Derrick over, “Derrick! Hurry the fuck up!”

“Coming!” Responded Derrick loud enough (as he shook and zipped), for the men at the gay bar to notice him. Once Derrick did his pants up, he realised that two men were coming towards him, giggling in adoration for him it seemed. One of the men was muscular and wearing a fluoro pink vest, the other just wore a normal outfit, jacket and jeans. Derrick was stiff as a brick. “Uh, can I help you?” the man in the fluoro vest placed his hand lightly on Derrick’s shoulder and started rubbing it. The other man was smiling. “Honey” said the man in fluoro vest” you don’t need to be nervous. Don’t avoid. We’ll take you in.” The man in the jacket and jeans immediately scooped Derrick up and placed him over his shoulder, Derrick screamed and whimpered, attempting to break free as they took him into the funky gay club. Carly was tired of waiting for Derrick, and called out to him again; “DEEEEEEERICK!” she scratched her head in confusion, tilting her head sideways contemplatively. “Maybe he went inside?” questioned Stella, hoping to please Carly somehow.

“Yeah most likely” Carly proclaimed, having already recovered from her momentary concern for Derrick’s safety. “Let’s do this!” announced Carly excitedly, with her arms in the air, and Stella lagging behind her.

They reached the entrance and by some miracle got in straight away, in Carly’s words “the bouncer appeared to be blinded by my delicious physique, and turned away, waving me towards the door so not to disrespect my immaculate self.” The others in the line had run away, possibly disturbed by her awfully revealing costume.

When Carly and Stella went in the club, they stood still looking around for a while, figuring out what to do first. The music thumped their eardrums, Stella was holding onto her ears tightly. Carly embraced the loud thudding of the beating bass music. She grinned and spun around, liberating herself from the shackles of underage life. “Now I’m eighteen!” She declared, as she whacked her hands into Stella’s face while turning.

“What?” blurted Stella, unable to hear over the noise.

“Are you ok?” questioned Carly “I didn’t intend to hit you.”

“WHAT?” Stella couldn’t hear anything.

“WHAT?” neither could Carly. Sick of competing against the noise, Carly just text messaged Stella; gonna go find a guy to fuck xxx, and off she went, abandoning Stella in the darkness, surrounded by drug users and sleaze-bags.

She moved with the music, dance-walking at the beat of the flashing lights of red and blue. She knocked people along the way, smashing glasses, walking into couples smooching. She was the star of the scene, everyone noticed her.

“Get the fuck out of my way whore!”

“Move it slut!”

“Cover that shit up freak!”

To Carly, everything was going as planned, except for Derrick being missing of course. Where could he be? I thought I would’ve seen him by now she thought. As a child Carly had been a star gymnast, so she thought it might be worthwhile incorporating some of her old moves into her dancing. She cartwheeled into the centre of the dance floor, kicking several people in the face along the way. Then (In the name of the father, the son and the Holy Spirit) she did the splits upside down.

“IT’S ALIVE!” One guy cried in panic.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” A guy shouted questioningly.

The music stopped, the dancers stopped. Even the stoners stopped snorting their coke in the corner. All was silent, except for Carly who was ‘hooting’ and ‘wooing’ like a drunken idiot, even though she was as sober as a nun.

After a moment of flopping all over the place, she realised she was being observed. The music had come to an abrupt halt, and the clubbers surrounding her were all frozen in awe at the scene she had pulled. They all had their eyes on her. “Why have you all stopped? Pump up the Jam!” she demanded. At that last comment, half the club left, except for a few coke snorters and Stella, who appeared unusually loose and dreamy eyed. But nothing stopped Carly; she headed straight for the bar.

I’m going to get smashed tonight thought Carly excitedly, and she stomped on down to the bartender. Stella came skipping lightly behind Carly, giggling like a little girl. Carly ceased in her tracks, astonished by Stella’s odd behaviour. “Stella…are you ok?” she just started laughing and touching herself in enjoyment, until she fell on her arse, which triggered another bout of ridiculous giggling. “Stella?” Carly finally gained her attention. “Woooooooo, some really really-uh-really nice man, gave me a drink-for free! And now he’s going to take me back to his place to show me around! Haha!” Shocked, Carly studied Stella carefully, and pondered over why she might be acting so strangely. Then it occurred to her;

“Ooooooh, you must just be cheery because you’ve made a new friend! God, what a relief. I was worried you might’ve been drugged or something.” They both jumped up and down, laughing hysterically with glee, and then kissed each other on the cheek, farewelling each other. “Oh, Stell!” Stella turned, “take pictures of his house for me.”

Carly recommenced heading over to the bar.

“What can I get for you?” asked the bartender, leaning back from Carly. This was Carly’s ultimate moment to shine, and show off her ‘maturity’. “I’ll purchase a screaming orgasm thanks, and I want it in a large.” She winked at the Bartender, but he just stood there uncomfortably stunned by her forwardness. “It only comes in one size, but I’ll get right onto it.” He escaped as fast as he could, and returned with her drink, dumping it on the bar and scooting off before she could breathe another inappropriate word.

She got through half of her orgasm in one gulp, and immediately needed to piss. She stupidly abandoned her drink at the bar, and basically crawled to the bathroom pathetically, as she was already off her face.

After returning from the urinal (yes she got a little confused) she reunited herself with her sexual beverage and took one last swig.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Unfortunately the rest of the story cannot be recounted due to Carly’s drink being spiked. Nothing of that night can be remembered by her now, not even I, the narrator can remember anything after her drink was spiked….I think I got spiked too, ugh bastards.

All that can be recounted is that the next morning, Stella woke up in a ‘Ping-Pong’ club, and had received two texts, from Stella and Derrick.

Stella: Carly, I need some advice, the man wants me to sleepover, but he only has one bed, and a weird, very petite rubber, balloon like thing that I think he wears instead of pyjamas. Should I run home to get some pyjamas?

Derrick: I’m a new man; I’m going to Rio to express my true colours with my new boyfriend Javier. xxx

A first night out is always tough.


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Mon Aug 05, 2013 6:00 pm
Kevikur wrote a review...



Just let me finish getting all my giggles out before I review this...Deep breaths...Okay, let's do this.

I loved the first part to this and find myself in love with the second. I find Carly's group of friends to be entertaining, and I couldn't stop reading. Carly is oblivious to everything it seems, and I think that's good for her when it comes to people bashing on her for what's she's wearing. At least her feelings weren't hurt.

I found the stories over-the-top quality to be just fine. You kept it fast paced and moving, rolling out the jokes and making Carly and her friends the punchline. The type of humor in here might not appeal to everyone, so I believe that reading it people will have to keep an open mind and be good-natured about it. I'm just going to highlight some points in the story I found to be great.

1.) When Derrick pissed in front of a gay bar.
What a funny mistake! I couldn't stop laughing when you showed his text at the end of the story.

2.) Carly going out on the dance floor.
What an entrance she made! People's reactions to her were funny, and once again, I'm glad that Carly wasn't smart enough to understand how hurtful some comments made towards her were.

3.) Carly flirting with the bartender.
What Carly tells him is hilarious and spooked the bartender, rightfully so! I'm sure almost anyone would be put off by her straightforwardness.

4.) The way you concluded the whole thing.
I thought it was great how you incorporated the texts at the end. I was wondering what had happened to Carly's friends! And also, a very nice touch by saying that you, as the narrator, had been there.

Now I'm going to point out some grammatical mistakes that I saw in both of your First Night Out installments. Here's on paragraph that I'll use as an example because there are quiet a few mistakes in it.

He just continued to laugh until he almost veered off the road killing everyone in the vehicle and on the street. Stella was dressed conservatively in her cardigan and ridiculously long skirt-dress thingy. “I think guys might go for me if they think I’m pure.” She said, pleased by her decision. “Well” began Derrick “if it were me I’d just want a chick that was willing to donate her vaginal fluids, but other guys might be different.” At that inappropriate resolution they arrived at the hottest club in town; Ecstasy. Derrick was already totally ‘smashed’ on booze so his parking was just a tad off (he parked in a disabled spot).

First of all, you need to indent when there is a new speaker. Also, in the dialogue you either have the wrong punctuation or none at all. And you can have a colon between town and Ecstasy. I'll show you how the dialogue should be.

1.) I think guys might go for me if they think I'm pure," she said, pleased by her decision.
2.) "Well," began Derrick, "if it were me, I'd just want a chick..."

You have some instances were you need commas, but I won't pin-point those. Other than indenting and dialogue punctuation, you're fine.

Thank you for giving me something to laugh at this morning!




Legibletext says...


Thanks for the helpful advice :)



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Sun Jul 28, 2013 10:52 am
Dutiful wrote a review...



Hi there!!

Okay, I'm a little disappointed with this one, mostly because your first chapter was sooo good. This one just felt a little weird for me to read it.
The humor just wasn't all there. I mean. it wa sfunny and all, but not as much as the first one. :( I don't know hat happened, but I demand the next one to be over the top amazing :P

Lets see. The first chapter left us with Carly getting into the car to go the club right? Okay. After that, something's not right in this chapter. Mainly, I think its because, Carly was really starting to get to me.

I mean, she couldn't even understand that those guys were mocking her. And what about her friends? Surely, one of them should have told her that she was trying too much, even thouhg she pushed them all out.

Yeah, that really got to me. I didn't like it at all.
There were some really funny bits.

To Carly, everything was going as planned. As a child Carly had been a star gymnast, so she thought it might be worthwhile incorporating some of her old moves into her dancing. She cartwheeled into the centre of the dance floor, kicking several people in the face along the way. Then (In the name of the father, the son and the Holy Spirit) she did the splits upside down.


That was really funny. How she embarrassed herslef like that.
I’m going to get smashed tonight thought Carly excitedly, and she skipped on down to the bartender.

Ugh, yuck, put some actual clothes on pondered the Bartender. “What can I get for you?” he asked, this was Carly’s ultimate moment to shine, and show off her ‘maturity’. “I’ll purchase a screaming orgasm thanks, and I want it in a large.” She winked at the Bartender, but he just stood there uncomfortably stunned by her forwardness. “It only comes in one size, but I’ll get right onto it.” He escaped as fast as he could, and returned with her drink, dumping it on the bar and scooting off before she could breathe another inappropriate word.


Okay, what? Why did the POV suddenly switch from Carly to the bartender?

And I mainly found the entire conversation with him a little bordering on creepy. But I guess thats how you wanted it to be, so * shrugs*

The three kids were all super pumped to party and chanted “Fun” three times. Oh my gods don’t even go there…*cough* Friday.


Um.. this took me a few moments to figure it out. I understood the reference to the song 'Friday' but I did not understand the second sentence. Its one of Carly's thoughts right?
So I believe it should have been italicized.

I really like what you're going for here. I'm still very much interested to see what happens next.
Keep Writing!
-Divz




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:48 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hello LegibleText

Uh this story was alright? It was very fast paced and a bit confusing because of it. I didn't really understand what was going on. One moment there was crazy driving, then clothes describing, people scooting out of the club and so on... Slow down a bit and even if you don't want to describe in vivid detail because that sometimes flattens the humor, describe just enough for the reader to be able to follow what's going on. Don't jump from this to the next, but connect it all up. Say they laughing manically because of the crazy driving, and then say that Carly stopped laughing and started thinking about what she was wearing. It was too jumpy for me.

I'm also with NiteOwl on the humor bit. It wasn't very funny or really entertaining. More so, it was just something to read. It is a bit too over the top...

I think you just need to find the right kind of humour that's a bit more realistic and can make the reader laugh a bit. Or smile, which is enough. Make the story easier to follow and more interesting. Keep working on it and you'll get there. More importantly, keep writing :D

Deanie x




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:29 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Legibletext! Nite here to get this out of the Green Room for Team Inc(red)ibles this fine Review Day.

First off, I'm very confused about what she's wearing. According to my intense research (aka Google search), a T-string is a tiny version of a G-string, not the odd T-shirt attached to G-string contraption you described in the first part. Clear up the terminology, as there's no way she'd be wearing only underwear.

Stella was dressed conservatively in her cardigan and ridiculously long skirt-dress thingy. “I think guys might go for me if they think I’m pure.”


Um...what? I suppose this piece is titled "First Night Out", but there's no way even a conservative person would wear this to a club. Clubs are hot, sticky, sweaty. The maxidress maybe, but not the cardigan (there's a good chance it would get lost or stolen anyway).

Also, I'd never heard of Cruisers, but it doesn't look like the type of drink a guy would get smashed on. Maybe some sort of cheap beer instead, like Keystone or Natty Ice?

One last comment. What's a 'Ping-Pong Club'? I feel like that's supposed to mean something, but I don't really know....Oh god. Let's just say I checked Urban Dictionary...that was pleasant (as always haha), but it doesn't really make sense in context.

Overall, I realize that this is humor, but I'm not really laughing. It just feels too over the top to strike that funny bone. There are some bright moments, like the cartwheeling on the dancefloor or the ridiculous flirting with the bartender, but...people projectile vomiting and running away at the site of a scantily clad girl? Ever heard the saying "It's funny because it's true"? Well, none of this rings very true to me. Also, date rape isn't that funny.

I do hope you continue to work on your writing and making your humor realistic. Keep writing! :)




manisha says...


@niteowl Lol! Urban Dictionary does that!




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— Professor McGonagall