Young Writers Society

Oooh tear it to pieces! My pleasure!

Going to go stanza-by-stanza first. I know it's freeverse, but I have to do a bit of stylistic commentary as I go, so this is always the best way. Feel free to skip down to the overall if I bore you, and also because I haven't read the other reviews!

First stanza: I'm immediately confused by your usage of "gauze". Now, my mother's a nurse; I know what gauze is, and it's much like saying "the gossamer lapped". Gossamer - and gauze - do not... lap. They don't float like waves against a shore, and they definitely do not run track. Not to mention, "laps" seems very out of place as a verb - perhaps use "gossamer" instead of gauze, and find a different verb? Not only does it lead to a much more delicate initial image, it rids the reader's mind of rolls of medical bandages running around in circles. You continue the lapping in "floating", but "floating" could just as easily be applied to floating in the air - and I'm not quite sure which you're trying to allude to, considering the rest of this poem is obviously alluding to the air. Also, stylistically, I'm not quite sure I like the ellipsis at the end of the stanza - it leaves a lingering feeling, but "lingering" is not quite what you want from a first stanza - it doesn't drag the reader in kicking and screaming (thank goodness), but it also doesn't exactly lead them along.

Second stanza: I like this one the best. (I'm shameless when it comes to picking favourites.) However, I'm not sure if I like your succession of "...shameless/rustle/shivering". I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's unsettling (in the bad way) and definitely doesn't serve to further the image. Perhaps "rustling/shiver" or "shivering/rustle" would be more accurate? Just me being me, sorry, very stylistic.

Third stanza: This one gets me a little - who is "he" supposed to be? (I've gotten some flak for indeterminate subjects, so take this from me - it's not a good thing.) Also stylistic, perhaps you should have a space between "padded" and the dash - very much a personal preference; I just feel like it leaves room for something.

Final stanza: I have to say, this one is undoubtedly my LEAST favourite in terms of nitpickiness - in that there's too much. After "misty dawn" and "lurking sun" there should definitely NOT be commas. I understand it's a temptation to have a comma after everything, but it's grammatically incorrect and the pauses are simply too awkward for a reader to bear. After "as well", I recommend that you have a comma or simply nothing at all, instead of the full stop - and after "shunned away", I recommend a comma or nothing at all. Your final stanza is one sentence, and it feels very wrong to break it up into three.

Overall, I really love your diction and imagery, and I can't wait to see more from you! Definitely looking forward to reviewing again.

this is a beautiful poem, it's amazing.. you have used some powerful words that really grip me into wanting to read the poem. i like how you have used one line sentnces, it adds more depth to this piece of work. my favorite part was:
"... His feet padded-

Leaving

Behind

Their

Shallow

Mark."

That paragraph makes the peom.. it really brings shivers down my spine (in a good way!).
i think you have an amazing talent and should keep writing!

Hi there. Rebel here to review.

I enjoyed reading this poem. I felt like your imagery was weaved nicely throughout the entire poem. Your diction wasn't too shabby either.

My sole issue was that I felt like you overused the one word lines. In the third stanza, I think you could connect all the one word lines to make it one or two lines in total (sorry if that didn't make much sense XD).

Hi! This was a very nice poem! I really liked the descriptive words and how you described sound- it really made it feel that you were there!
My favorite part was this:
[His feet padded-

Leaving

Behind

Their

Shallow

Mark.]
That part was very neat!
The poem did not hold any real strong emotion, but was a nice, enjoyable read...
Nice piece of work! And I hope to see more soon! Happy writing! -De12

Hey EnchantedPanda! This was a nice poem; it has lovely wording and the imagery is beautiful. The idea of "pale purple gauze" lapping at the shore is appealing in every way possible.

I think the only complaints I have are little structural issues. In some places the short lines work, and in other cases it feels over-used and unnecessary. You have places on occasion where the punctuation just doesn't seem quite right with the flow of the poem, and its placement (or lack thereof) causes a subtle break when there probably shouldn't be one.

Overall, this was a really nice poem. It weaves a peaceful image that's really pleasing, and you utilize sensory words to really put us in that place. I felt as though there was a sense of reminiscing here, as though he was thinking about sometime he'd walked down this shore in the past, and there was a certain air of mystery in the idea that this poem left a little bit unsaid (after all, we don't know why he's there, but the general theme seems to be that things are retreating and washing away around him - so perhaps I'm pulling things out of thin air, but I imagined that he'd lost someone).

In any case, this was a well-written piece. Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Hey Panda!

This is quite the lovely poem! I really like your imagery and use of language to convey a mental picture to the reader. I could picture everything so well and that made reading this poem so enjoyable. It has a strong mood to it, which is one of the harder things to convey in a poem in my opinion!

One of the things I had a problem with is all the enjambment going on here. It's not a bad technique to use, of course, and on the rare occasions I poet I tend to use a lot of enjambment as well. However, it goes a little overboard here. For one, in the third stanza we have a lot of single-word lines that are seemingly there for no reason. Enjambment has a purpose in creating a specific feeling and emphasizing certain words or phrases. Here, I can't pick out what exactly the technique is supposed to create for me as the reader. It seems broken up for the sake of being broken up. On a similar note, the frequency of enjambment between stanzas is super inconsistent. The first three stanzas use it pretty frequently, but the last doesn't use it at all. It creates an awkward rhythm, and changes the flow of the poem abruptly at the end in an unsatisfying way.

I think adjusting that might do a lot for this poem, as it will also cause you to rethink a few of your phrases which I think will make the overall effect of the poem stronger. As it is, many of the phrases have a certain meaning they won't retain when some of the breaks are removed or adjusted, but I think what will come out will make this poem more powerful.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this and hope you continue to work on it!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

I am walking along the beach, alone. It is 3 AM. Still awake. Thinking about everything that happened the previous day, big things, but they couldn't be avoided. So, deep in my thoughts, just walking, and walking. The night is not dark at all, the moonlight is so strong. And suddenly, the sun peaks over the horizon, and its light makes all these thoughts and worries not so heavy, like it always does. I feel good.

This is what I felt reading your poem. I really, really, really like it.

It would be cool if you wrote another poem, and made that one the "day poem", and made a full circle. Where this poem ends would be where the other one starts, and the other way to.

Keep up the good work