Young Writers Society

Hey Sushi, Shauzer here reviewing
I liked this chapter, and I think that this could even be published with some touch-ups It's most likely better than my attempt at a novel, but I'll not delve into that. I thought this was very short compared to the last chapter? Or maybe I just can't remember the last one that well :') my apologies. This was good though, I like where the story seems to be going, I like how you're building up her Devil Touch powers. But there were some things I found a bit odd. I thought a comma was missing once, "running until it finally hit the ground dissolving altogether." In between ground and dissolving, but i don't really care about that so I won't go into those stupid errors, of which there wasn't many anyway Um... I thought her language was a bit odd, I mean... It wouldn't be so bad but the character seemed to change awfully quickly In the first chapter she was innocent, frightened, she didn't know what to do about anything. Now, all of a sudden, she's a killing machine? It just seems a bit odd, and i get the feeling that if I was reading it continuously, like I would a real book, I'd be asking myself what the hell was going on Just try and slow the changes she's going through down a bit, unless that's the effect you were going for. I also wonder, why would the priest go to get her when he doesn't have the power to stop her killing him? Even after she killed the other two guys, weird...
Other than these small things, I'm finding the story really enjoyable Try to lengthen out your paragraphs, give more description, all we know about the scenery is that there's a tree Nice work,
Keep writing.
Yours in ink,
TS.

Hey there! I'm finally back for another review!

She knew that the village wanted her dead at all costs, but But to think after what she did to their priest insert comma here they no longer had any “divine protection” from her “devilish ways”, so why would they risk searching for her?

As the search party disappeared from sight, Cerys started her descent down the tree. It took longer than climbing, since she had to feel her way with her feet.

"You know you're not the only one. I think so too." She was sobbing now. "I'm a monster and a curse, but I have no choice, I have to live like this! It's how I was born." Her voice trailed off as the sobs took over.

Hey Sushi, sorry I'm a little late, but alas I am finally here!

I skimmed back over the past few chapters and noticed that you've edited them a lot, and I must say that I definitely think you've edited them for the better. I see some great improvements, and I like the direction the story is going at the moment. As for this chapter anyways, I liked it. Cerys seems like a much stronger character than I remember, so that is really awesome. The writing itself is good, you have a nice flow to it, and nothing stood out to me grammatically at all. A really nice, well written chapter overall.

I don't have piles and piles of critiques because this is a very short chapter, but I have managed to conjure up one or two things to mention to you. I'm first going to give you a suggestion rather than a critique really, and it's regarding format and sentence structure 'nd stuff. Basically, in the fourth paragraph (where Cerys is struck by intense pain) and the scene where she attacks the priest guy, I think you should go all out in terms of playing around with sentence structure. I'm primarily talking about short sentences here.

At the moment, these scenes paragraph are a little monotonous because you generally use the same sentence lengths throughout, and the tone of those scenes is the same as the tone of the rest of the piece. I just feel that because Cerys is meant to be in pain, and because she's going crazy and attacking some dude, you should portray the suspense and intensity through the way you build your sentences. To put what I'm trying to say simply, don't be afraid to throw in some short sentences. They can be marvelous at creating a certain type of mood in a piece of writing, and are especially good if you want to create a speedy, tense, suspenseful, or intense atmosphere. Just have a mess around and see what you can come up with.

Now as for content itself, I find Cerys' reaction to what goes on in this chapter a bit questionable and contradictory. Let me explain... So after Cerys attacks the priest, she seems absolutely appalled and really disgusted at what she'd done. That's fine in itself, but the problem I'm having is that she found it extremely easy to go ahead and attack him, and was very eager to do so before she actually did anything. Ummm, does that make sense? Basically, at the beginning of this chapter she seems very careless and seems willing to hurt whoever to get on with things, yet at the end she seems completely different and heavily regretful. If she really was that regretful and good as a person, it seems odd that she would have attacked the priest so easily in the first place. Err, kapeesh?

The only other thing that bothered me about this chapter was its length. It's so short! Now admittedly, this is coming from someone who writes 3,000 word chapters and should probably sort that out, but nonetheless I do think this is a wee bit too short. I am aware that everyone else has said this so sorry for repeating them, but I do think it's important. You also have said somewhere that the next chapter is/is going to be really long so you can't combine it with this one, so I understand that. The problem there is that it's a big mistake to have one chapter as short as this one, and then the next one really long. It's a little off-putting and can throw the reader a bit, you see. People like consistency, it makes them less paranoid.

Now what I'd personally suggest with your length problem is that you either try and extend this in any way you can. Not pointlessly, of course, because every word of a novel should be important and relevant. If you can though, try extending this a little. If you are completely against that idea though, I think you should shorten the next chapter by putting the beginning of it on the end of this. Do you understand what I'm saying? That way, you'll be elongating this chapter and also shortening the next one (which is/is going to be really long). By doing that, you're killing two birds with one stone, and your'e getting that consistency back.

And I believe that's it! I have a feeling that I may not have made much sense in this review, so if I haven't please don't be afraid to let me know. You know where to get hold of me, so don't hesitate to contact me. Negatives aside, this is definitely an interesting chapter, and I look forward to finding out where you take this story next. Thanks for the read.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hi Sushi!
So this is my review!
I'd like to start by saying that I really like the title change, it's more appealing to a ready than "elementals" and definitely catches my attention more.
When it comes to content i really like the descriptiveness of the chapter and how the main character isn't a hero like in every other story. She's an anti-hero and i thought that was pretty cool
The last two reviews were right about the length so I won't blabber too much about it, it wasn't long enough to satisfy me but then, it's your decision if you want to extend it or keep it the same length and write the rest in the following chapters. It's possible that you had nothing more to say in this chapter so the length depends on you... (oops I blabbered :p )
As far as grammar goes, I didn't see anything wrong..
It was a really interesting pieces so kudos for that!
The only thing I'd have to say is that some sentences, for example "(...) I can smash your snobby little face in." kind of makes me feel like it's been crafted too hard to make the characteer seem like a bad person. I mean like the sentences don't seem like something a person would say. I don't think peope really talk like that, yeah?
TThis is a really good piece Sushi, like really so keep me posted for more!
I really hope this helps!

The first review was spot on. This is not long enough. I read through it in like 2 seconds and I am left wanting more but not in the sense that I have just read a proper chapter but something incomplete.
Secondly I think I have said this before but whenever the story switches from the narrator to her personal thoughts separate them from the story and put them in italics or inverted commas otherwise it is too confusing.

In terms of plot development the story has advanced slightly. I can see where it has gone. I can't say it has gone too far but i guess it is good to take it slowly for now as you are still in the early stages of developing Cery's character which has grown considerably. I like how there is this conflict between her instinct as the devil touched and her human side which still holds onto the morals. You do an excellent job of making the villagers hateable. I would advice moving the plot on and introducing more characters.

I can't wait for the lost villages to get involved.

Hey Sushi,
The second chapter is really short , I think these two paragraphs shouldn't be a chapter maybe it would be better if they were the first part of the chapter and then you van follow with more paragraphs, like you did in chapter one. Well anyway in this chapter you start to get the hang os your charachter creys and you start to think as if you were her, you made her words look devilish and evil, Really you're a very good writer.Hope yo see the next chapters soon.

Best wishes,

MTB.