Hey Twit, sorry this one took me so long.
I dig the sentiment, simple though it may be (there is, of course, nothing wrong with simplicity). What I don't like is the sameness of it all. Check it:
How different my nakedness to that of a man’s!
I could find beauty in it, but no,
I am told that this is shameful.
Milk for the babies, satisfaction for the men,
but where am I?
My body does not exist in touch and smell;
it lives in ugly words made by men.
Even after cutting a significant chunk the poem says pretty much the same thing. All the bits I omitted were more or less repetitions of what you'd already said. While I think maximalism and repetition are perfectly valid techniques, it takes a degree of skill to employ them without it becoming boring. The first way you could do this, obviously, is by simply axing the bits that aren't absolutely 100% vital to the poem like I did above. The second way is to really change it up in terms of vocabulary or technique. Your technique is textbook to the point of banality. There's nothing wrong with it other than the fact that it makes the whole poem exceedingly predictable. If you want to go down a maximalism route in terms of content you have to keep the readers interested in other ways - play around with stanza length, spacing and pacing, formatting, the strength of line-ends, punctuation or lack of, etc. etc. Make it memorable.
It's cool Twit, but I think you need to spice it up a bit.
K
Points: 1028
Reviews: 89
Donate