z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wanderlust

by Rook


We were all placed on a barren world.
There's no magic, no adventure.
We could walk for miles
staring at the paved roads
and never run into a single elf, orc, or fairy.

Maybe we'd have a little excitement:
Perhaps we'd find an old coin,
bent and rusty,
a treasure from the past.

We would discover
the secret past of the coin.
The names of all who held it,
all who rubbed it for good luck.
And be enchanted by the splendor
that a story can bring us.

But we wouldn't be looking down.

We would be driven
by a wanderlust so strong
that we would be staring up.
Gazing at the clouds,
guessing at the infinite number of times
that they had circled the globe.
Imagining their crevasses and rills
as a mirror image of this terrestrial world.

It'll be a gateway to adventure
and all we need is the key.
Native wanderers to an ever-changing island,
full of new mysteries to explore.
Searching for ancient treasure,
much more precious than the old coin
which would pass unnoticed beneath our feet.

Perhaps we would be farmers,
ameliorating the fertile sky,
plowing the clouds into straight rows
and seeding them with dreams
that would blossom into memories.

When it becomes sunset,
We would swim in crimson pools of fire
and liquid gold
and violet velvet.
It would be a kaleidoscope
of raw emotions and thoughts
lighter than air
Greater than even we could imagine.

We'd discover new planets that never existed
with strange inhabitants:
Spiders with pink cotton candy webs
weaving across the vast, eternal sphere.
Trekking across these dreamscapes,
we would fill our thirst for adventure.

But we wouldn't be finished yet.

Inch by inch, night would fall,
dragging the moon out of hiding
and signaling the stars to appear.
With only candles and fireflies
to light our way,
we'd plunge into the shadows of our hearts
and uproot any sorrows.
We'd be left torn and broken,
yet healed beyond measure.

The clouds would have been blown
by the strengthening winds of faith,
and we would marvel at the heavens,
bespeckled with pinholes of light.
We'd twirl and dance
and holler in the joy of it all.
Then we'd settle down and dream.

Dream of a glass world
made of sunlight and shadow.
Grayscale rainbows arching above us.
We would mummer in the halo of moonlight
and startle at our demon-like faces
cast by the light of our candles.
Then sleep would come
and we'd sleep the warm, peaceful sleep
of a time-worn traveler
of the mind.


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Mon Sep 23, 2013 11:21 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Here to give you the third Knights of the Green Room review for our library.
So the bad first. This poem seemed a little confusing. First off I didn't know if it had a happy or sad ending. It seemed like the poem was saying there is no adventure here on planet earth, which I totally disagree with. Now maybe if that is not what you meant, then you need a little bit more emphasis on that.
Now the good. Oh my word! Where do I begin? Your imagery and detail and descriptiveness was the sickest (I mean that in a good way) awesomest (I know, that isn't a real word) stuff I have EVER seen in a poem. Your sunset stanza was so beautiful!
Keep it up!




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Mon Sep 23, 2013 3:05 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Thanks for submitting this to the KOTGR library.

In case you didn't get it, this is one of the three (at minimum) reviews you will receive.

This was absolutlely amazing. Normally I tend to push for the author to make the stanzas even, but here I think that the alternation of stanza lengths was perfectly suited to the work. It gives it a cool rhythm.

Your grammar is very good, as is your spelling.

But I do want to mention something about your punctuation. There are places where you have periods, and it feels to me like that location needs a comma instead. You could have placed them there intentionally to create a full stop, but it throws off the rhythm.

I know that I already said that you have a cool rhythm, but in these areas it gets a little weird in my opinion.

I'm no going to point out all of them but I will give you an example.


We were all placed on a barren world.
There's no magic, no adventure.


These two sentences feel like one, but the period causes a full stop that throws the flow off a little.

If it was your intention to do this, then that's totally okay, I just thought that I would point it out.

If it was not, however, I would recommend changing the period to a comma.

All in all, I thought that this was amazing. Your use of the English language was absolutely wonderful, and your imagery is very well done. If I was one of the judges, this would be my pick.

HT




Rook says...


Thank you for this review! I'll definitely look over the punctuation again. My main focus was on it being grammatically correct, since there isn't much rhythm, but I have to remind myself that there is a little rhythm and that punctuation needs a-tending to. :)



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Fri Sep 13, 2013 3:40 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Fortis the Fortieth Knight, I am here to review you with honor in the name of our company, the Knights of the Green Room~ Thank you for submitting your work for consideration for our library, and good luck winning the Scribe badge.

So, I have to admit, that for whatever reason, this poem is mostly not something I like. I think it has to do with the way the language is very straight-forward and prose like, while the narrative is very straight-forward and prose like, but then you sometimes spin into over-rich imagery and bring in all matter of colors. It seems very fluffy and sparkly to me, and so I'm not such a fan of all that.

But I LOVE what you did here, and totally encourage you to ABSOLUTELY FOREVER CONTINUE IT, because while for most of the poem you used regular words, I noticed your Lewis Carroll moments and they were basically impeccable. Let's make a list of all the new words the Formidable Fortieth Fortis invented: rills and mummer. Okay, so maybe MAYBE you meant rills as the small stream that rills apparently means when I look it up in the dictionary. Maybe, but for me it felt more like frills mixed with curves -- it was more of a shape descriptor where you used it. AND MAYBE you just made a typo and meant "murmer" instead of mummer, but mummer feels like it has more action to it -- it takes in the word hum, murmer, and somehow puts in movement, like they're shifting side to side as they make noise.

haha -- I hope at least one of these was on purpose, otherwise I am fan-girling over complete accidents that you'll never want to make again!

I think in a poem with such fancy and fantasy as this one, expertly slipped in new-words like the two I listed above are WAY enriching. You bring another level and ask your readers to open their minds just THAT much more, which can potentially lead to more satisfied readers, who get more meaning out of the rest of the poem.

I hope this makes sense to you, and I hope it's somehow helpful!
Let me know if you have any questions or want me to take a look at anything else. :)
Good luck and keep writing!




Rook says...


Thanks for your review and...
no. I'm sorry to say that "mummer" WAS supposed to be murmer. I didn't really know what rills meant though so... ;)
This review made me remember that I CAN make up words if I want to. I'd been so focused on getting my meaning across with just real words that I'd forgotten that side of poetry. Thanks for reminding me! :D



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Wed Sep 11, 2013 1:02 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there fortis! Nite here to review this lovely piece.

Now, overall, I don't have much to say about the way the piece is written. The imagery is lovely. I do find it a bit long, but I'm not sure what I'd suggest cutting.

Where I am a bit muddled is what exactly was the message you were trying to convey. The majority of the piece suggests that it is praising this fantasy, as this is where the majority of the imagery lies.

However, the bit about the coin suggested (to me) a different message, one about those who ignore the good things around them (the coin) in favor of fantasies that don't exist. If that was the intention, then I'd focus more on that and less on all the fantasy imagery.

If, however, my first guess was accurate and you are praising this wanderlust rather than condemning it, I'd cut the bit about the coin out, as it seems at odds with that message.

Overall, this is well-written, but I'd consider streamlining to make the true meaning clear. Keep writing! :)




Rook says...


Hello Niteowl, thanks for the review,
My basic message was that sometimes the best adventures take place only in the mind. The part about the coin was talking about how even just a simple, overlooked thing can ignite imagination far beyond just looking at it. The "plot" of the poem was two people walking along a road to an unknown destination. The coin part was just something simple noticed on the road there, BUT the part "But we wouldn't be looking down" is the transition to the meat of the poem, which is basically imaginations in the sky. That would be these people staring up into the sky with wonder and sharing their imaginary worlds. I described the day's journey for these people starting say in the afternoon, then watching the red of evening, then toward the end, night time. Then in the end, sleep.
This is praising this wanderlust (of the mind) and the coin bit adds to it, because even when there's seemingly nothing to fantasize about, there's really tons. In my head, "we" was referring to people who write or just imagine quite a lot. It was a bit condemning of people who don't imagine, but only because I was trying to convey the difference between those who use their imaginations when they're bored and those who stay bored. .... I dunno where I was going with this.
I'm sorry if this comment thingy makes no sense, or is disjointed. there's a TV going on -_- I just got distracted by a commercial about cheese.

Basically, what inspired this was staring out the window on reeeeaaaaallly long road trips (so long we got to listen to an entire Harry Potter book and a half on audio tape) while listening to adventure books and wishing my adventures would be as exhilarating as those in the books. I'd end up staring at the sky, because everything else moved too fast, and I'd fantasize stories. I'd get this strange feeling in my stomach that I later classified as wanderlust. There are tons of other things that inspired this poem, but that is the main theme behind it.

Sorry for this way-too-long response to your review. I wanted to clear up these things anyway but I didn't know where to do it, and you provided a perfect place for it. ^_^
Thanks again for your review.



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Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:06 pm
WritingWolf says...



Wow. Just wow.

I was going to review this. I really was. But I can't find anything to critique about it!
This is just amazing. I loved it. I simply loved it.
This is too amazing. I can't even put it into words.

Just keep writing! Forever!

~WW




Rook says...


thank you! I'm glad you liked it.



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Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:25 pm
malinda542 wrote a review...



The poetic nature of the last half of the poem was brilliant. Your word choice was inspiring and I love all of the possibilities you thought of from an old coin. However in the beginning half of the poem I felt that it was lacking the same imaginative quality as the last half. I have to be frank in that it wasn't as engaging as the last half when you started talking about farming.

I agree that the name is what immediately drew me to this poem, the overall story captured my attention and blew me away. When I was finished reading it I was impacted and inspired myself. You seem to have spoken to the writer in me, who finds things small that turn into something even bigger. Overall this is a wonderful poem.




Rook says...


Thank you!



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Mon Jul 01, 2013 5:42 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Fortis!

Wanderlust. The name alone is so beautiful it immediately drew me into reading it. And when I did, I was not disappointed :)

You used some beautiful description in there to tell a wonderful story. I liked how first it started with an old coin that many would ignore, and then it grew even bigger than that! And after it grew bigger it shrank back to where it started, to the time-worn traveler of the mind. (Brilliant use of descriptive words too)

I think I have two favourite stanzas. The last, of course. But also this one!
"We'd discover new planets that never existed
with strange inhabitants:
Spiders with pink cotten candy webs
weaving across the vast, eternal sky.
Treking across these dreamscapes,
we would fill our thirst for adventure."

Absolutely beautiful! A plus is that many people can relate to this feeling of yearning for an adventure in their life as well.

In my opinion, this poem is wonderful! It could use some poetic structures here and there. A poem like this is perfect for some similies and metaphors. I can just imagine you creating another stanza with some amazing imagery. Although it was beautiful, it could use some more variety and elegance in language. That would just complete and top-off this poem!

Keep writing such amazing works!

Deanie x




Rook says...


Thank you! I'll work on that imagery.



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Mon Jul 01, 2013 4:02 pm
dragonrider wrote a review...



This is an incredible poem. It's just...wow! I can't find any flaws with this. So I'll just tell you everything that I liked about your poem.
First off, I love the idea of the poem. I find it fascinating.
The beginning grabbed my attention immediately and kept my attention until the very end.
Good transitions. Each stanza was "connected" together.
Good organization. There weren't "huge blocks" for stanzas nor were many stanzas that were just a few words long.... This was obviously well-planned out.
Excellent ending. It completed the poem perfectly. No lingering questions at all.
Great flow and beat. All of the words and stanzas just flowed together very smoothly and there weren't any erratic changes with the beat. Very well done. Well thought out.
Also, the length of your poem was perfect. It wasn't long and dragging and it wasn't too short to barely get an idea across.
Like the name of your title--it was appropriate for the poem.

I look forward to read more works from you!

Keep on writing!
Dragonrider




Rook says...


Thank you Dragonrider!




If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"