Young Writers Society

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

Let me start out by saying that I really enjoyed reading this poem. I like the words you used and they all seemed to work well together. Honestly, I think this poem sounds very professional. There are a few things that I want to point out that you might want to change.

You can see a beautiful ladies

You can see an ugly faces

Hello there, dear! Nicely done poem! I like how you formatted the stanzas, very cool.
On to the helpful stuff:
Something you need to keep in mind is that with poetry, you have to be careful not to use to many of the same words, especially in the same stanza. By having to many of the same words, it creates an uneven, choppy-like flow to the poem.
For example:
Quote:

"Night o' night <--- Twice
a dark creature at night, <--- Again
your light seems to be fade
as the sun just gone
and leaving this street in coldness."

You added "night" three times in the first two lines. The line "Night o' night" is great, but I strongly suggest you change the one on the second line to something else. Maybe twilight? Be creative!
This is your poem, you don't have to change it, you can edit it all you want.

That is really the only bit of critique I have. Overall, your imagery and rhyme, spelling and such, are in good order.

Great work! Keep it up!

~Rainn

Night o' night
a dark creature at night,
your light seems to -be- fade {no 'be'}
as the sun {is} just gone
and leaving this street in coldness.


You see the old man
standing alone on the dark street,
and the only one bright eye that you have
looking down to his gloomy face. {i don't think that face is right, i think feet wold go better}

You can see a beautiful ladies
waiting under the street lamps,{i think 'street lights' wold go better}
you see the street children { "you see the Orphaned children" i think wold flow better}
sleep with their hopes.

You can see an ugly faces
haunting around like a wild wolf,
you're the eye
that sees everything in the dark
looking down to the earth
when the sun leave at night. {"when the sun leaves at night"}

{remember i'm Not a poet, there for i am Not a poem reviewer. doing this for 'The Nights Of The Green Room'}

Hi there!
I like what you’re doing here, talking about the moon/night without actually mentioning the moon at all, it’s an interesting concept. I've pointed out the spelling/language mishaps I see, and added a comment about each paragraph. I hope this helps!

Night o' night
a dark creature at night, #FF80FF ">< This repetition is a little odd, already.
your light seems to be fade #FF80FF ">< do you mean fading? Or seems to fade?
as the sun just gone
and leaving this street in coldness. #FF80FF ">< Coldness is a very boring, anticlimactic ending. Not to mention that when the sun goes down, the night is not necessarily old, I need a bit of a reason for it?

This is a good introduction to your poem, but I do think that repetition of “night” is too much, particularly off the back of your title. If you lose the third night you should fix that problem no worries. The other thing is that “coldness” just isn't working for me here, it’s a boring an un-evocative word that doesn't give us anything really to sink our teeth into. I’d like to see more hook here, at least in that last line.

You see the old man
standing alone on the dark street,
and the only one bright eye that you have #FF80FF ">< Syntax here is very odd! I’d lose “only” and that will fix it.
looking down to his gloomy face.

I like the description of the old man, and how the moon is looking down on him, I’m getting into the stark nature of your description and I think it works for your poem.

You can see a beautiful ladies #FF80FF ">< lady
waiting under the street lamps,
you see the street children
sleep with their hopes.

I don’t know how I feel about the last line of this stanza, it’s uneventful and while I know you’re talking about all the regular night activities, it still seems very bland at the moment.

You can see an ugly faces#FF80FF "> < face
haunting around like a wild wolf,
you're the eye
that sees everything in the dark
looking down to the earth
when the sun leave at night. #FF80FF ">< leaves

Here I’m not sure what you mean by the wolf-guy. Is it an allusion to a killer, I feel like it’s almost a Jack the Ripper reference? For no reason other than this poem feels like it’s set in the kind of Victorian era, with gas lamps and cobble stones. I like the image but the final stanza leaves that one guy hanging in a bit of confusion. I’d like to see a resolution there. I think that your final three lines are again a bit bland, they’re a little repetitive and I think you could do better with another more interesting image.

I think this is a really good revision, and I’d love to see if you make any changes. Feel free to hit me up if you have any questions, queries or just want to chat

-Penguin.