Good poem, I liked it. Very many misspelled words though, and not a lot of rhythm or detail. This needs some serious editing. You should really go back and look it over.
Many spots needed more detail, while a few of them should have been cut down or taken out all together:
“and cried until we could cry no more.
Whispering to me,
she said she will never leave me.
Could be improved and shortened.
“and cried silently,
until, whispering to me,
she said she would never go.
Also, in some places actual dialogue would be better than just describing what she says.
She said she loved me a lot;
I was her little precious;
I was worth everything;
I was her life."
Might be better as:
“I love you, she said.
My tiny, precious child
that is my everything;
my very life.
While in others it could be improved.
She said, “life is a performance,
not a reheasal."
Death is the judgement;
the moment of truth.
She added',
Be good while you can;
have fun while you can.
Once you're dead, you'll never be back.
That might be better as:
“Life, she said, is a performance,
not a rehearsal.
Death is the judgement;
the moment of truth.
Be good, and have fun while you can.
Once life is gone,
You never get it back again."
Overall, this is an excellent poem with amazing depth!! Very touching, and original
Just keep writing-
Killyouwithwords
Points: 82
Reviews: 53
Donate