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Young Writers Society



My dream

by Kaysie96


Last night in a dream,
I saw my beloved mum coming back to life.
We kissed and we hugged
and we cried untill we could cry no more.
Whispering to me,
she said she wil never leave me.
Not ever.
She said she loved me a lot;
I was her little precious;
I was worth everything;
I was her life.

In that very same dream,
I saw my mum being turned into an angel.
She flew around me,
and sang the songs of thousand me meanings.
Singing, she said:
"Death is the dor to the afterlife.
It doesn't end love;
It breaks relationships;
It brings pain;
It creates misery and loneliness;
it makes you stronger;
It teaches you that everythig has an end."

Still dreaming,
mum said we have only one life.
She said, "life is a performance:
not a reheasal.
Death is the judgement;
the moment of truth."
She added'
"Be good while you can;
have fun while you can.
You only have one life,
once you're dead, you'll never be back."

I open my eyes.
Mum's not there, I'm all alone.
It was only just a dream;
but I know what it means.


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53 Reviews


Points: 82
Reviews: 53

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:37 pm
Killyouwithwords wrote a review...



Good poem, I liked it. Very many misspelled words though, and not a lot of rhythm or detail. This needs some serious editing. You should really go back and look it over.

Many spots needed more detail, while a few of them should have been cut down or taken out all together:

“and cried until we could cry no more.
Whispering to me,
she said she will never leave me.

Could be improved and shortened.

“and cried silently,
until, whispering to me,
she said she would never go.

Also, in some places actual dialogue would be better than just describing what she says.

She said she loved me a lot;
I was her little precious;
I was worth everything;
I was her life."

Might be better as:

“I love you, she said.
My tiny, precious child
that is my everything;
my very life.

While in others it could be improved.

She said, “life is a performance,
not a reheasal."
Death is the judgement;
the moment of truth.
She added',
Be good while you can;
have fun while you can.
Once you're dead, you'll never be back.

That might be better as:

“Life, she said, is a performance,
not a rehearsal.
Death is the judgement;
the moment of truth.
Be good, and have fun while you can.
Once life is gone,
You never get it back again."

Overall, this is an excellent poem with amazing depth!! Very touching, and original :)



Just keep writing-
Killyouwithwords




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48 Reviews


Points: 353
Reviews: 48

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Mon Jul 01, 2013 10:45 pm
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sbitonti wrote a review...



A lot of misspellings, I would go back and review them. The plot seems to be quite slow and does not have a destination. When you start the poem by saying you had a dream, the audience already knows that this dream will end/you will wake up (as proven at the end of the poem). A lot of dialogue, give the reader more detail about what your mother said with her eyes, rather than her voice. You can also incorporate the main character's feelings to give more thought to the reader.

Some things to fix:
"and we cried untill we could cry no more."- until

"Whispering to me,
she said she wil never leave me." -correct spelling is "will". Also, here you are contradicting yourself/not agreeing with the participles. If your mother Said something, you should agree with this past participle and change will to would.

"She said she loved me a lot;
I was her little precious;
I was worth everything;
I was her life." - Because these all belong to the same idea, you should be consistent. You probably know that repetition is often used in poetry for the author to convey a thought, but if you do choose to use repetition, be consistent in structure as well. Otherwise, you may come off as redundant, as in this passage.

"She flew around me,
and sang the songs of thousand me meanings." - Not sure if this is another misspelling, but I would change this line to "and sang the songs that held a thousand meanings".

"Singing, she said:" -She is either singing something, or saying something. You can correct this to"She sung to me:". Remember: Be Consistent!!

"Death is the dor to the afterlife."-should be "door".

"it makes you stronger;
It teaches you that everythig has an end."-The first I should be capitalized in "It" and it should be "everything".

Nice rhyming on the last two lines!
A touching poem, you just have a couple of misspellings. Just remember to be consistent, use higher vocabulary, and connect with the reader on a higher level than just dialogue from a character's mouth. Things to make poems stronger often include metaphors, symbolism, and rhetorical devices that you can look up.

If you have any questions, I'm free to chat! :)




Kaysie96 says...


Thank you a lot for reviewing my work. I went through all the mistakes you noted in the poem and I noticed that some were my own silly mistakes, like not going over the work again for spellings. Also, I will try my level best to learn about punctuations.
English is not my first language so my wording is not always correct, but I'm sure it can always be improved.
I'm glad that you liked it.
Thank you again for your review. :)



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27 Reviews


Points: 716
Reviews: 27

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Mon Jul 01, 2013 9:52 pm
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Panda11 wrote a review...



Last night in [my] -a- dream, {who's dream? you'rs? XD}
I saw my beloved [mom] -mum- coming back to life. {mom?}
We kissed and we hugged
and we cried [until] -untill- we could cry no more. {until not 'intill'.}
Whispering to me,
she said she {will} never leave me. {will}
Not ever.
She said she loved me a lot;
I was her little precious;
I was worth everything;
I was her life.

In that very same dream, {same is not nesevary "in that very dream"Vs"in that very Same dream"}
I saw my mum being turned into an angel. {mom}
She flew around me,
and sang the songs of thousand me meanings.
Singing, she said:
"Death is the dor to the afterlife. {door}
It doesn't end love;
It breaks relationships;
It brings pain;
It creates misery and loneliness;
it makes you stronger;
It teaches you that everythig has an end." {every thing}

Still dreaming,
mum said we have only one life. {mom}
She said, "life is a performance:
not a reheasal. {not a what?}
Death is the judgement;
the moment of truth."
She added'
"Be good while you can;
have fun while you can.
You only have one life,
once you're dead, you'll never be back." {i think it wld be better if you did this "once your dead,your dead"}

I open my eyes.
Mum's not there, I'm all alone. {mom}
It was only just a dream;
but I know what it means.


(this was one of the most touching poems i have ever read<3)




Kaysie96 says...


Thank you for your review.



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67 Reviews


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Reviews: 67

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Mon Jul 01, 2013 12:48 pm
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mistielovesyou wrote a review...



Hello, Kaysie. This poem has a gorgeous idea. A lot of us have dreams about our parents and about sad and difficult things and people we have to let go. So it was great to hear about your story.

But there are a lot of issues. Mainly, that this is said as a story rather than lyrically or like a poem. It just seems to have a lot of spaces and be dressed up like one, but there isn't a lot of imagery or figurative language. Everything's kind of spelled out. And being literal does have it's place in some poems, but you didn't seem to be using it here for a specific purpose. Also, there are some misspellings here "she said she wil[l] never leave me" (line 6) is one. And an overuse of semicolons. Almost every semicolon in this poem could be replaced with a comma. Look up how semicolons are supposed to be used and try to be more discriminating with them.

Overall, a great idea. You just have to turn it into something more lyrical, or it just seems like a story. Try to connect more dots and ideas in your head and bring more beauty to it; every poet learns how. You can do it!




Kaysie96 says...


Hello. I'm glad that you liked my poem. I promise you and everyone else that in the future I'll always double check my work before submitting it.
I noticed the overuse of semicolons and I guess I will definitely have to learn the proper use of them.
Thanks.




When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
— James Tate