Young Writers Society

Nit Picks

“Doss, Floss, Bert”, Mum calls, “picnic time”.
punctuation always goes inside the quotation so:
“Doss, Floss, Bert,” Mum calls, “picnic time.”

Okay to start this review; I always start with structure and how easy it was to read. In the whole essay I found little to no errors, but sometimes things seemed a little forced, almost like you where trying to hard at certain parts to make the story without errors. I think what I am trying to say is there needs to be more feeling.
"I linger at the edge of the murky sea. My toes are numb as the waves engulf my feet. "
Maybe change it up to say words like feel* and more description to make it jump out.

other then this the flow was not to bad.

The content was solid, not the best. Simply because when I look at impact, it could have been greatly improved with the qualities of injustice, and helplessness. The inner thoughts were lacking here and the story can greatly improve with developing the character's voice.

To step back for moment, I will explain ways to develop that character and that voice.

I pull the threadbare blanket away curiously to reveal my Dad. He wakes up and I notice how his sunken eyes carry purple bags underneath them. He is frowning, his face creased and pale like a crumpled sheet.

I felt the threadbare blanket on my fingertips as I curiously pulled it away to reveal my dad. Hi eyes, sunken with purple bags underneath, had the quality of a defeated soldier and a man with great pride but he was a dying man. Watching him frown I could no longer sense the aliveness as I once could no longer could I imagine that happy person who took us to see the world, who allowed us to live such a happy live, who cared for us so much. He was pale and afraid.

erm not the best, and by all means don't use it. I am simply trying to elaborate on the things that are missing in the story, the feeling. Yes, it does have feeling but it can have so much more. With the feeling and more content which will explain what you wish to change in the world this could be a great piece.

Anyways, I like the message because I am also agents war but when I write things agents war I explain the injustice of how we got into war or maybe for you it would be how we could have avoided the war. The simple thing is everyone needs to write to motivate everyone else to a certain goal, eliminating this or that, and this essay does say eliminate war, but doesn't explain the reason behind the war or anything like that.

Anyways sorry if this is written bad but I just woke up. I wish you the best!

Hi ArcticMonkey-just realised I put assement instead of assessment-oops!

Hey tigg! You wanted a review on this piece, you got it

Okay, now bare in mind I'm not really familiar. I've written a few in the past for English classes, but that's it really, I'll try my best to give my thoughts though! Now, I thought this was pretty good, maybe not as 'dramatic' as I was expecting, but you had some good ideas behind it. Now, onto the nitty gritty...

So I mentioned before, I don't think this was actually dramatic enough, and it seems that's what you were going for. I think the reason behind this is there aren't enough pauses. Dramatic pauses! In a monologue, using pauses (in the right place of course) is actually so important. And when being performed, adding in a pause would make parts so much more effective, and leave the audience at the edge of their seat.

Secondly, I thought the dialogue was a bit weird. Having dialogue in a monologue is fine, however you must remember that the character will be the ones saying it, not the ones who said it originally, so you can't use anything too difficult.

Also, I noticed this:

Freezing, salty spray splashes up at me and I hear excited screams behind me.

When I read this write-up, all I see in my head are sensuous images. It seems like you have expressed the agony of love in words. I really have deep respect for this piece. In my perspective, I think you shouldn't break it up into paragraphs. There is something about this write up that screams innocence. It seems pure and directly from the heart. Writings like this should not be tampered with. Call me crazy but that's what I feel.

The choice of words conjure very strong images which make this piece very very easy to read and understand. Your voice resonates with confidence and experience and this is evident in your word usage. The concept is also beautiful. I think if you take a couple of hours in silence and let your brain crunch it into pieces you can create something deeper, wider and can blow up like a confetti. That's how I imagine it!

I thank you for sharing this. You have a flame and I ask you to tend it. Tend your flame.

I have split it up now everyone! Thanks for the help!

I really enjoyed this! I know I sound surprised but I've never actually thought to click on something titled 'Dramatic Monologue'. You've opened my eyes to something new! THANKS

I really love the imagery at the beginning - the nostalgic thoughts about happier times spent with the family. I like the way you link the idea of a happy time on the beach and then BOOM - being all alone, stumbling on the same sand.

I agree with a few other reviewers below me that some of this could have been broken up a bit - but I don't think it matter so much as there;s nothing wrong with the writing!

Overall - I think it had great imagery & emotion.

Keep writing! And feel free to take a peek at my work if/when you have the time.
Cheers

Wow. That was a very powerful monologue, and it definitely evoked a lot of emotion. Point number one: you got emotion. That is a very powerful thing to control, and you have done an excellent job of that in this writing.

Getting over my emotional state from reading that, and moving on to the reviewing itself. I think that some formatting is in order. Right now, this is excellent, but it is also just a massive paragraph until we reach the end. I think that if the ideas and thoughts were kept but separated a bit, then the points could be even more powerful, if the breaks were placed in the appropriate places. Now, this choice is up to you of how you want the ideas to come across, but I would suggest breaking the paragraph up a bit.

Secondly, as the monologue progressed, more and more descriptions were added, but I would love to see more descriptions towards the beginning. Add more feelings towards beginning and the ending feelings will be more powerful. The final descriptions at the end of the first paragraph were beautiful and we got a clear and perfect view of the scenery, so perhaps if this type of description was added towards the beginning as well.

I believe that this is all I have, but overall, that was wonderful. It was very heartfelt and truly beautiful. Keep it up, and I am so excited to read more of your work.

Hey there, tiggpanda, I'm here to review the monologue you have here! I won't go into detailed nit-picks because I feel that an overall critique with focus on the more major things is more important. I'll begin by saying what I think is great about your piece, and then I'll move on to the nitty-gritty and give you some critiques and suggestions in order to help you make this piece the best it can be.

As a whole, I think you have a very interesting piece of writing here. I'm personally a very big fan of monologues because I find it fascinating how a writer may chose to deal with writing directly from a character's mind, and I think that you've done a pretty good job overall. Your idea and concept is a good one, and the whole father dying due to war thing definitely has a great load of potential to pull on people's heartstrings. You've got some really nice imagery too, I must say, and I am rather jealous because I cannot create effective imagery to save my life. Something else I noticed in this was that towards the very end of the piece, you used short sentences very cleverly and effectively, so an awesome job there. Definitely a nice piece of writing overall.

Now onto the gritty stuff! The first thing I'm going to bring up is based on your paragraphing because while the end of this is paragraphed well and looks nice and clean, the beginning isn't quite so nice and clean. As I'm sure you can see yourself, you have one very large, chunky first paragraph. The way you have paragraphed that is technically wrong, plus to be honest, it's not the prettiest of things. The reality is that the world revolves around appearances, even in writing! What you'll find is that a big opening paragraph like the one you have is likely to put off readers from reading your piece, and I'm sure that's not what you want. With a tidier, more correct way of paragraphing, on the other hand, people who stumble upon this will be a lot more likely to read it. This is what you have right now:

I linger at the edge of the murky sea. My toes are numb as the waves engulf my feet. Freezing, salty spray splashes up at me and I hear excited screams behind me. I turn my head and see Dorothy and Dad racing towards me, kicking the gritty sand into the air as they run. They leap into the sea and splash me playfully. The icy water sends a shiver up my spine but I wade into the angry sea and join in, the rough sea tossing around us. “Doss, Floss, Bert”, Mum calls, “picnic time”. We rush out of the sea and charge across the sand. The wind whistles through my hair and pushes me backwards. I look to my right and see my beloved Dad beaming at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners like they always do. Suddenly my Dad’s friendly face fades away and I stumble over a large piece of driftwood. I fall into the sand screaming and crying out as my family, the beach and Dad disappear. I’m falling and darkness folds around me but I don’t seem to hit the ground, I just keep falling. I land on cold, stone tiles and find myself surrounded by neat hospital beds. All of the beds are abandoned except for one at the corner of the room. I stand up and my head starts to spin. I fumble around and find my way through the maze of beds towards the corner of the room. I reach the bed and find a soldier tossing and turning. I pull the threadbare blanket away curiously to reveal my Dad. He wakes up and I notice how his sunken eyes carry purple bags underneath them. He is frowning, his face creased and pale like a crumpled sheet. “Dad, Dad, it’s me…Florence, your daughter”. He looks at me confused. “Dad, you have to remember me!” I shout through the tears cascading down my face. I taste the bitter, salty tears as they trickle into my mouth. “Dad”, I croak. He doesn’t recognise me! “Dad, please”, I scream more desperately. I close my eyes. Then I’m falling. The beds are disappearing along with Dad. I reach out for Dad but he is gone. I land with a heavy thud on frozen ground. I’m surrounded by frost crusted leaves and evergreen bushes covered with sprays of scarlet berries dusted with icing sugar. Dew laced cobwebs hang on trees and are lit up by the white winter sun. I raise my head and stare in horror. Right in front of me is a pure white gravestone, the exact tone of a swan’s feather. It reads…

I linger at the edge of the murky sea. My toes are numb as the waves engulf my feet. Freezing, salty spray splashes up at me and I hear excited screams behind me. I turn my head and see Dorothy and Dad racing towards me, kicking the gritty sand into the air as they run. They leap into the sea and splash me playfully. The icy water sends a shiver up my spine but I wade into the angry sea and join in, the rough sea tossing around us.

“Doss, Floss, Bert," Mum calls, “picnic time."

We rush out of the sea and charge across the sand. The wind whistles through my hair and pushes me backwards. I look to my right and see my beloved Dad beaming at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners like they always do. Suddenly my Dad’s friendly face fades away and I stumble over a large piece of driftwood. I fall into the sand screaming and crying out as my family, the beach and Dad disappear. I’m falling and darkness folds around me but I don’t seem to hit the ground, I just keep falling.

I land on cold, stone tiles and find myself surrounded by neat hospital beds. All of the beds are abandoned except for one at the corner of the room. I stand up and my head starts to spin. I fumble around and find my way through the maze of beds towards the corner of the room. I reach the bed and find a soldier tossing and turning. I pull the threadbare blanket away curiously to reveal my Dad. He wakes up and I notice how his sunken eyes carry purple bags underneath them. He is frowning, his face creased and pale like a crumpled sheet.

“Dad, Dad, it’s me…Florence, your daughter." He looks at me confused. “Dad, you have to remember me!” I shout through the tears cascading down my face. I taste the bitter, salty tears as they trickle into my mouth. “Dad," I croak.

He doesn’t recognise me!

“Dad, please," I scream more desperately.

I close my eyes. Then I’m falling. The beds are disappearing along with Dad. I reach out for Dad but he is gone. I land with a heavy thud on frozen ground. I’m surrounded by frost crusted leaves and evergreen bushes covered with sprays of scarlet berries dusted with icing sugar. Dew laced cobwebs hang on trees and are lit up by the white winter sun. I raise my head and stare in horror. Right in front of me is a pure white gravestone, the exact tone of a swan’s feather. It reads…

"I don't like cats," said Simon.

"I don't like cats", said Simon.