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The girl behind that veil.

by Idrinkink


It was her, and she was different. It took her a lifetime to realize that being different wasn’t a crime. Being different was a gift and It meant that your soul was painted with the colors nobody had ever dreamed of and that was very rare but what troubled her was that nobody appreciated her, embraced her or kissed her once. Sometimes, she would want to hide or run away. Somewhere safe, somewhere soothing. Sometimes, she would doubt herself, her talents, her body, her soul, her curves, thoughts and oh what not. In class, she would be sitting at the back unnoticed and abandoned. She would have a notebook with her where she would often doodle or scribble those monsters hiding inside her, just so she could let them out, set the fire blazing inside her free. She didn’t mind. She had company. The company of books, She wasn’t alone she would sleep at night clutching a book and wakeup to a warm cup of coffee. She would smile so that nobody would see her cry, see those scars conquering her body but she had to be strong. She will get past this and she knew it.


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Tue Jul 23, 2013 9:49 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya Idrinkink, here to review :)

Although short, I think this piece has loads of true meaning to it and definitely leaves me thinking. You can tell there were a lot of strong emotions put into this piece, and I can really hear the voice speaking out. I also quite liked the style of which you wrote this- the pacing was good and it tells the 'story' well.

In terms of improvements, there were some things I noticed.

Being different was a gift and It meant that your soul was painted with the colors nobody had ever dreamed of and that was very rare but what troubled her was that nobody appreciated her, embraced her or kissed her once.

I think this sentence is waaay too long- read it aloud and you'll probably run out of breath because there aren't any pauses. Try and break it up with some commas, or connectives rather than just one big long sentence.

I agree with the others in saying the main issue with this is the topic of it and the fact it's such a widely talked about issue. That's not to say people aren't aloud to feel like this, however they probably don't all feel EXACTLY the same. I think you should try and put your own twist on this, if this is referring to someone in particular then you could use something personal to talk about. This will separate this piece from the rest of the talks about being 'different' and will mean that you've put your own spin on it, so it's more original.

Lastly, I'm not sure if this is much of an issue but I'd like to mention it. I'm not sure if you wanted this just to be in one block paragraph or not- I also don't know the context of this and whether it's part of a novel, a monologue or anything like that. But one thing I will say is that if you do split it up into separate paragraphs, that would dramatise more- having pauses usually leaves suspense and tension. Just a suggestion ;)

To sum up, this was a very interesting piece which I could tell was well thought out. To make it more original, I suggest making it more personal by perhaps describing an anecdote or a back story to really build on this character and put her aside from the rest. I hope this reivew helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review!

Keep writing!
-Arc x




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Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:09 am
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Heya! Sushi here reviewing for a ink drinker XD.
Cons: Well I figure that I should get all the bad stuff over with first then lighten your heart with awesome stuff. Well I really do think that you should go back and proof read this. There are a lot of mistakes with grammar and caps and tenses where you switch from past to present. Just reread before posting.
Pros: This was just amazing! Each word was like magic, full of meaning and truth. It didn't even bother me the mistakes of grammar in here, because the meaning behind this was so powerful and I could feel it. You really put your voice, opinion and probably even self into this piece and I just love it. This painted a picture, not like imagery does, but one that only magic and true emotion can. Fantastic job, do keep up the amazing work.
Sushi :D




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:15 pm
Infinitron wrote a review...



lovely piece. everybody needs some sincere friends or at least a friend. one day, the girl mentioned here, fictional or real, will find someone loving, caring and trustworthy who wouldn't mind her being different. I know a person who resembles this girl a lot. Now, that person is one of the best of my friends and I care that person very much. True friends really are blessings!
Man! I came to review and got a little emotional. I hope you don't mind. It's not much of a review




Idrinkink says...


Ilyyy. <3



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Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:21 pm
Shiksha wrote a review...



A very nice piece i must say. Though i feel it would have had a better effect if it would have been written in the form of a poetry. Since poetry appeals more to a person. But anyway i feel you depicted the whole situation very nicely. It was the outcome which you depicted nicely, not the cause according to me. I couldn't really understand what was that which had made the girl that way. I liked your writing style though. It was simple, strong and conveyed a lot.

best of luck and keep writing!!

Cheers,

Shiksha!! :)




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:50 am
MasterGrieves wrote a review...



Yo yo yo! 567ajt here again, here to take a look at this short excerpt.

I am not completely sure what this is, but I'll read it as a monologue. It has the feeling of a monologue to me because of how brief it is. Either that or this is a draft of the opening of a novel, or even an outline. Either way, let's see.

It was her, and she was different. It took her a lifetime to realize that being different wasn’t a crime. Being different was a gift and It meant that your soul was painted with the colors nobody had ever dreamed of and that was very rare but what troubled her was that nobody appreciated her, embraced her or kissed her once.


This is similar to another poem I've reviewed of yours, and has a strong feeling of isolation. This one has a much more pessimistic feeling and creates an image of no hope, and even one of self-pity.

Sometimes, she would want to hide or run away. Somewhere safe, somewhere soothing. Sometimes, she would doubt herself, her talents, her body, her soul, her curves, thoughts and oh what not. In class, she would be sitting at the back unnoticed and abandoned. She would have a notebook with her where she would often doodle or scribble those monsters hiding inside her, just so she could let them out, set the fire blazing inside her free.


I'm not too much into this part, as it becomes a tiny bit...weird. The use of "oh what not" seems unnecessary and out of place. Your descriptions of her unnoticed and "at the back" are cliche, and doesn't make me feel for the character you have created.

She didn’t mind. She had company. The company of books, she wasn’t alone she would sleep at night clutching a book and wakeup to a warm cup of coffee. She would smile so that nobody would see her cry, see those scars conquering her body but she had to be strong. She will get past this and she knew it.


This one has more potential, and although punctuation-wise needs more clearing up, I feel much more satisfied with this section.

As your piece is short, I can't really suggest much in the way of improvements, but if you intend to extend this into a proper novel/short story, try and make you character more unique and perhaps more alone. Try and make me feel for her.

So long!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 9:27 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Good Morning & Happy Review Day! I agree with Hannah - nice name! I have never attempted to read an article/essay on here before so congrats on being my first and I have to say that I really enjoyed it! One of my all time favourite book is 'The Perks of being a Wallflower' so I was really drawn to this.
I really like how emotional it is.
The only point that I did pick up on was your use of the word 'and' in some places. I think - and feel free to ignore me here - that the line -
“It meant that your soul was painted with the colors nobody had ever dreamed of and that was very rare but what troubled her was that nobody appreciated her, embraced her or kissed her once.” - doesn't need the 'and' between the of and that. It just reads a little more powerful to me that way.
Overall - I loved your imagery, emotion & you've opened my eyes to taking the chance on reading articles/essays on here. THANKS! Good Luck & feel free to look at any of my work if you have the time :)
Ciao.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:37 am
ERZA wrote a review...



Hey kinks! Erza here to give you a review! :-)

Wow such a serious and deep article this is! I really liked how you described her- a walllflower. And by reading this I have realized that even though I am not a bookworm and I hate coffee, somewhere in the inside there is a wallflower who is trying to come out of her bubble.

Anyways...I posted some stuff last night and found out that linebreaks are not working. I am being optimistic here and guessing that you paragraphed it but that did not work...
The girl whom you expressed here...was/is it you or someone else you know? I understand this is an article but it was penned on your thoughts so some amount of personalisation would not hurt. Your wallflower is so brave- the way you portrayed her...she almost is like a warrior with those scars and all. And she also sounds a bit defensive- pushing away others or staying away. Just like a typical wallflower! :-)
You did a very nice work in writing down and expressing your feelings about this topic. Personally I feel this could become a good song or a poem. See if you can make it work that way and if you manage to do that then please don't forget to tell me. I will be so happy to review it.
Overall, this article was very touching. Makes me to reach out to them ( just the stuff they were avoiding all the while)
Great stuff and nice job! Keep writing! :-) :-)




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:17 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, Idrinkink~ Nice username. Haha.

Okay. First I want to say that you are good at writing sentences. You play well with rhythm building up through sentences, like you did in this section:

Sometimes, she would want to hide or run away. Somewhere safe, somewhere soothing. Sometimes, she would doubt herself, her talents, her body, her soul, her curves, thoughts and oh what not.


The repetition of sometimes and some makes this passage read like a flow of thoughts, which is really helpful and real to such an emotional piece.

The problem, though, is that the subject matter is directly at odds with what it wants to say. The problem is that EVERYONE has felt this way at some point or another in their life. I mean it. Everyone. I felt this way. My friends felt this way. Everyone has times when they feel like they are the only one in the world who can understand themselves and they are isolated from everyone else. It's an element of the human condition because our minds just don't connect with other minds, and so even when we can get along with friends and try to communicate through the language systems we've invented, at the end of the day we are still utterly alone in the world.

So it's hard for me to take this message of "i'm different" when it feels exactly the same to me.
Going forward, I would suggest looking for specific scenes of stories. Often though the patterns of life are the same, our individual scenes turn out different. This might turn up more original, individual, and useful material for you to work with. I'd also consider further the idea of a veil. What is this veil and where does it come from for this character in specific? :)

PM me if you have any questions about my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:34 am
zohali93 wrote a review...



Hi!

So I think there's a strong message you want to get across and though I like your way of describing, there were things that I felt made your message loose it's strength. By strength I mean the emotional feel to it. That's what I personally think a good essay should have to get readers.

Your essay kind of reminds me a bit of me except I was more dense and unaware of people around me. Denseness Rules!!

Anyways the essay layout was the first thing that threw me off. It looked really...messy (That's the only word I could think of. >.<) Especially with the sort of content you have, I think there would be more emphasis if you manipulate the lines and not just clump it into one paragraph...with that line of thinking I think you can turn this into a great poem! (just my opinion)

There was a run on sentence
"Being different was a gift and It meant that your soul was painted with the colors nobody had ever dreamed of and that was very rare but what troubled her was that nobody appreciated her, embraced her or kissed her once."
Try reading it out loud for yourself and see how it sounds to you.

Anyways, all I've got to say is that here at YWS that girl wouldn't be sitting back seat alone, she'd be with other YWS'ers who happen to also be at the back...wait that probably didn't come out right. ;)

Byeeees





The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson