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E - Everyone

A Way

by JordynnZier

I'm not who I was
A murderer of the mind
Just let me be
who they want me to be
I've been torn apart
Ripped from limb to limb
Trying and striving to see
a better side of me
but my mirror is fogged
by the clouds in my mind
And everyone says that I have to try
to replace these thoughts
with something great
just evaporate the thought
of self destruction
I'm trying to slay
this thing in my head
but theres no doubt in my mind
that it wants me dead

I'm tired of trying
to be who I'm not
I'm distraught
thinking of things
to take my mind off of me
I know they can't feel it
or think what I've thought
but sometimes I feel
like I've finally caught them
my demons
caged in the back of my head
pounding and screaming
and taunting me with things
I haven't been allowed to forget

People ask me why I don't
just get help
and I'm trying and lieing
my way to heaven and sanity
but they don't understand
everyone's alone when
the time draws near
we're all enveloped in fear
just some have it worse
it's a curse and a cure
a sentence to deathly thoughts
and the people are screaming
that I have to find a way
to get by day to day
but if I haven't already,
do you still think I'd be here?

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:18 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi JordynnZier! Niteowl here to review for Team Dreamwave!

Now, overall, I like this. I can somewhat relate to these feelings and I think it captures the rambling nature of insanity quite well. I don't know how it would work sung, as it doesn't have much of a song structure, but as a poem, it works well.

I do agree that some more punctuation and structure would help if you're going to mess with this further.

I'm tired of trying
to be who I'm not

I'd cut these lines. I feel like this phrasing has been used often in other contexts and it's just kind of boring.

I haven't been allowed to forget

Kind of clunky as written. Maybe "I'm not allowed to forget"?

and I'm trying and lieing
my way to heaven and sanity

"Lieing" should be lying, but otherwise, I love these lines.

Overall, great piece here, just some minor suggestions. Great job and keep writing! :)

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:06 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Ooh. This is a common topic and one that's really tricky to deal with. I am so glad that you made a poem to tackle it. I am also really pleased by the strong ending:

but if I haven't already,
do you still think I'd be here?

This direct address, after a poem that doesn't speak to anyone in particular, is really striking and powerful, especially because the message it carries can be kind of a revelation in this over-worked topic.

Yes. Sob. The topic is overworked. Lots of people write about this feeling because lots of people experience it. That's not saying that it's invalid or you can't write about it, but I do want to read a poem that takes risks and new jumps like the one I see at the end.

One way to potentially accomplish this is through specificity. Gimme a moment in time where you're fighting these demons. Show me the color of the room and how heavy you are on the bed and where your hair is in front of your eyes, or whatever specifics can bring this image to vivid life. When you give me that image, I will hold onto it like an anchor and follow you through the deep and dangerous philosophy that you also want to talk about. Get a balance between message and imagery and we'll be able to access the poem better.

Also try to cut the length down. It should be easy, because you do say generally the same thing a couple times over. When you go more for imagery than philosophy, you'll be able to rely on the strength of both to carry you. But how to edit it down? Can you tell me the message of this poem in one sentence? If your poem were only a SINGLE line long, what would you say? I'd hope you'd pick the last line.

Now, you have your single line. If I let you put ONE more sentence in the poem, which would you choose. You can work this way, restricting yourself and expressing yourself very consciously, to build a tighter poem.

So, I hope this review was helpful! Lemme know through PM if you have any questions or comments~
Good luck and keep writing.

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33 Reviews

Points: 2574
Reviews: 33

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:35 am
SkyeJane wrote a review...

Heya Jordyn,SkyeJane here to review this un-categorized piece of yours.

I actually really like the feelings you have put in this piece; they ring so true and are I think many people will be able to relate to it.

I love the sort of rapid fire,non-stop rhythm you have going. This may be because you have no punctuation but I think that would remain. Maybe this could be a rap? Obviously,I don't know if you like rap but just because of the rhythm I found,that stood out to me.

Now,punctuation. It is vital and I do think that it does a lot for a piece. In your case it is needed to clarify where one phrase stops and another begins,and also to de-clutter things. Try to go over it and just see what you think runs together and separate with punctuation. Maybe you could also create a few stanzas or verses.

All in all this hows great potential and you should definitely try to refine it and make it something definite even if it was not written seriously. Keep writing!

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx