Young Writers Society

How can this be so simple yet so perfect???

Hey, dark! I don't think I've ever reviewed anything of yours before.

I think this is cute-- it reminds me of the poetry you find in children's magazines like Highlights, which makes me nostalgic and happy. I don't really like the repetition within your first two stanza and the last because it doesn't continue through to the end. You do well with punctuation in this poem, but I probably would replace the very first period [.] with a comma [,].

They carry the earth wherever they go,

Hi, dark.

I like that you talked about deltas and rivers. That was my favorite part. No one talks about the parts of rivers, and it really made me think that you were really thinking when you wrote this poem.

There are some issues with this poem, however, the biggest one being that I learned nothing new about water from this. As Hannah mentioned, you don't really have any new thoughts here. The purpose of poetry is to take something everyone knows and show something new to the readers. Here, you talk about the properties of water, yet there is nothing new.

You have a very dramatic tone in this poem, but I don't see why it's there. Why are rivers screaming? Why mention that it has deadly properties? Because you don't connect water with anything, the dramatic tone makes this poem seem silly.

The last stanza is completely unneeded. When you repeat the same word in the same stanza, the repetition is too close, and it feels redundant. I don't really see why you have to say "element," either. Water, yes, is one of the "four elements," but I don't think that's interesting enough to mention in a poem.

Your first stanza, as well, has repetitive phrases within it. Weed out these phrases to make room for less repetitive ones.

Over all, connect water with something. I like some of the descriptions you have going, but what is the significance? It's a good question to ask yourself when you're writing something like this.

I hope this review was helpful to you. Keep writing!

Oh, hey, Dark! Here I am to review some of your POETRY, now. I'll get back to the last two pieces of your pokemon work a little later today. But this is a nice break from that!

So. I like that for three out of these four stanzas, you chose to have "splish splash" be portrayed as the voice of the water, as if the voice is a human that could speak. It goes well with the idea of your pokemon story, where you give voices to pokemon that previously had none. I also love the word delta, so I'm really glad you included a delta in a poem about water. haha.

What I am not so crazy about is that for the most part, you talked about what everyone knows about water. You didn't give us any new thoughts about water. I want new thoughts about water in every water poem I read. You do have a hint of new thought: the drowning of islands. I also like that you evoke an image of the water as being over all of the world. I mean it is, but we have to step out in space to really see the magnitude of its coverage, and the drowning of the islands helps emphasize the deepness of an ocean.

So I'd like to see more original consideration of water like that, my friend! What is important about the screaming of the water in the deltas. What is it doing there? What is water really saying as it slides up the stems of plants? What does it mean when it says "splish splash". Give it a little more concrete of a voice!

PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review, okay?
Good luck and keep writing~

Hey Dark!

I'm just going to dive straight into the review, I hope you don't mind. First and overall thoughts about this was that it was an interesting and cute poem that you have here. The splish, splash has this effect of childish playfulness, and the repetitive: says the element, says the element of water has a nice ring/lyrical element.

I can definitely see a poem like this being made into a picture book! It is rather simple, and there's nothing in it that someone's not already going to know, but I think it's the perfect kind of poem to introduce children to poetry, and I think they will enjoy some of the pleasing alliterative sounds and imagery.

All in all, it's not a bad piece. I would of liked some more exploration here:

They carry the earth wherever they go,
forming and drowning the islands of the planets.
A peaceful force with deadly properties.

Hello dark. Jordin the great here to write a review for my friend (I am always a fan of yours. ) I hope this review helps you out some.

Hmm well this was good but the rimes need a little patch work though there were some good ones.

Okay you should try not to repeat yourself it can get a little annoying.

Well your spelling was good . And grammar and everything else but something that might work is capitalize all of the letters at the beginning of a line.

In other words I loved the whole thing.

Keep writing and good luck.

Until later good bye.

~Jon~