"Where were you?" Damian asks as we take our places on the parlor couches. The rest of the group has already taken their places in the rest of the mansion.
"I was talking to a new spirit, at the park." Damian raises a blonde eyebrow, making the scars on his forehead rise.
"So you don't want to see a movie with your best friend who've you known for ten years, but you'll get all happy and girly because you spent three hours talking with some new guy."
"I didn't say he made me all happy."
"You're blushing, Kali." I touch my face, I wish I could see myself in the mirror.
"Shut up you two," Harold yells, "They're coming."
I shut my Mouth and prepare for the mortals to come in. It's the usual group, the P.I., short for Paranormal Investigators. They have their own TV show, so they're easy to scare. These new Seers though they could be either easy to scare if they're not real or hard if they are.
I here the squeaky front door open, and the voices start. "Yeah, like it's actually haunted." Chelsea. Chelsea's the "nonbeliever" in the group. She's a twenty-year-old red-head, who also happens to be a part-time super model. Every P.I. has a person like her on their team, so everyone gets really scared when they are. This particular team has a girl version who doubles as the person who gets guys to watch the show.
"I'm picking up pretty high signals here." Mike. Mike is the "technical genius" on the show. The signals are really usually other stuff like Vampires, Werewolves, Fairies, Elves, and freaks. Ghosts don't have a signal I've checked. Chelsea, I've found out, is an Elf. That explains her attractiveness.
Mike is a former basketball player, so he's tall and strong, but that's nothing compared to our power.
"Stronger than I've ever seen it." That can't be right, the seers must be magical creatures. I hope it's not another Vampire. All goths these days. They walk in a room and suddenly it becomes ten degrees colder.
"There's a few in the parlor, kitchen, bedrooms, and basement." A boy says, must be the seer, he was dead on.
"Let's go to the parlor first." a girl says. Must be the other seer.
I gather my courage as the team enters the parlor. First Chelsea, then Mike, then-
"Austin." I mutter.
"Yes it is I, spirit, Austin and my sister Magenta, who are you." Austin proclaims with his cute old time language. What am I thinking? I grab Damian's arm and pull him beneath the floor to the basement.
It's an unfinished basement so it's not cozy with it's cement walls and pipes, but it's safe to talk.
"What was that for?" Damian yells. I grab his shoulders and shake him.
"That Austin guy, he's real." he pulls from my grip.
"Yes he is human, like the rest of them."
"No, he's a real Seer." he frowns, the little scar on his mouth curling around his lips.
"How do you know?" I pace back in forth across the dark floor.
"He could hear me, and the readings. They were too high, if Chelsea's an Elf than Austin and his sister must be the extra readings. They're freaks, Damian!" I grab his shoulders and shake him again. "We've got to get out of here."
My breathing increases and if I had a real heart I would have broke it. "Kali, relax. We still have time to get everyone out."
"No we've got to stay, complete the haunting. If not they'll be aware that they aren't real readings. Tonight while they sleep we'll break the reader and get everyone out. Now go tell everyone the plan."
Damian smiles and hugs me. "Good luck." Damian steps through the wall and I'm alone.
The day night goes as planned, we make voices and shakes and fear, until the lights go out and they decide to sleep. The technical team goes to the reader and sends enough energy into it to shut it off.
I stay in the empty bedroom, waiting for the okay. The rest are in the parlor, but I don't like being near all those dead people. They're just too happy to be dead.
I lie on the black sheets in darkness. I just want to leave before I go crazy. He's human. How could he be human? Why couldn't he be nice and dead.
The door opens and he walks in, light enters my face.
"Kali?" Austin says. I lie there, not wanting to respond to my name. "Kali I know that's you, I came to see you. May I come in?"
"Leave me alone." I yell, but he just walks in and sits on the bed next to me. Obviously not a Vampire. I sit up against the velvet pillow.
"I heard you in the parlor you know." I levitate a pillow into his face. "You're angry." he states.
"You lied to me!" I yell, almost sobbing. Jerk-face!
"Would you have talked to me if I didn't?" I shove my fist through his face. "Punching me won't help."
"Why are you here, Austin? I didn't do anything to you."
"I want to help."
"Austin?" Mike yells through the door. The knob wiggles but I make sure the door can't open. "Austin, I'll get help for you. Stay calm, ghosts hate resistance!"
Austin looks at me. I'm rolling my eyes and I think he can sense it. "We do..." O paise to think. "So, help?"
"Yes, my sister is a healer. She could try and give you a body to live." I look at him, open-mouthed. Why didn't he mention this earlier?
"Will it work?" he shrugs.
"We'll have a session tonight if you want to try." I nod furiously. "Is that a yes? I can't see you."
"Yes, it is."
Write more please! I have to go to bed now so I can't do a full on review, but PLEASE WRITE MORE!!! It's super good!!
It's great! I think everything is getting a little bit more clear! It's great. Keep up the good work!
I don't understand what a healer is. It's better to understand why she could possibly give Kali a body to live in. Giving description is better than throwing in more new ideas. Well, usually. It's a huge surprise and all, but description is good, like I said.
It's also a problem that everything is suddenly being thrown out. That Kali can live again all of a sudden. That Austin is not a ghost. Sister is a healer (like I mentioned), whoa, what's a healer?
If I'm lucky enough, I'll be able to read the 3rd part eventually! Love the amazing work you're keeping up!
I explain in the next part I just don't have enough points to post it yet
You mixed up a couple of lines from the bottom by saying "O paise to think"... xD that's not what you wanted to say, now, is it?
I liked the beginning of this but I felt that after Kali had recognised Austin there wasn't enough shock, and her explanation to Damian was so all over the place, it just didn't do much for me, I think that segment could use a little work! Display a little more shock and outrage on Kali's part about the whole thing.
In fact in general I didn't feel like we were getting very many emotions off Kali, and that's something that could be worked on, you know, how does she feel when certain things happen? She's in general just pretty apathetic, and I feel lik if you just described her reactions more then she would seem a lot more 3 dimensional.
I also felt like it moved too quickly towards the end, with Austin revealing his sister's ability and all. I felt like that could have waited, or that you could have drawn out their conversation more. I also am hoping that in later parts we will find out, why Kali? I mean, if he can see ghosts in general, why would he choose her?
I thought it was a pretty cool turn of events, having him show up- in fact, I would get rid of the foreshadowing about it in the first chapter, the shock factor would go up by loads and it would pack a stronger punch.
So in general I like this, but slow down a little towards the end, and show us a bit more of what's going on inside Kali's head.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi Willow!
I think the concept you have here is a good one, it's interesting and doesn't have any of the weirder ghost bits going on - no ectoplasm (iffy on the spelling on that) and stuff which is nice because that's always gross. I think Kali is pretty well written and realistic, for a ghost, although I am confused about whether or not she ages or something? Like, does she have a birthday every year? because if she died as a baby wouldn't she just... be a baby? You're going to have to explain that later on, I think.
I'm not sure that I think the plotline is working out at the moment, there are a couple of holes and I think Austin is very odd? why does he want to help her and why is Kali so eager to be helped? She's only met this kid before once, sounds like everything's going to go very badly for her very soon, which will be super unfortunate.
I do think you've got a good story here and I look forward to reading more from you! Feel free to hit me up if you have any questions, queries or just want to chat at all.
- Penguin.
She isn't technically dead. She's sorta halfway in between.
I read that... it doesn't make much sense to me. xD I assume you'll explain it later though.
Bingo!
I love the twist! I honestly didn't see it coming but I think the part when she first realizes that it's him should be a bigger reaction. There were a few grammatical errors but not enough that I was bothered by it. Again, a wonderful concept. I can't wait to see/read what happens next
Keep on writing!
Sarah