Hey, Kammie, Juniper here,
Love poems have been done over and over, perhaps a million times over, if not ten times more. I was a little bored with this one because it feels like I heard it before, and that's not an insult to your writing abilities. The thing is, if you write a love poem in the same general vocabulary that is usually associated with love, chances are it's not going to shine as brightly as something you put a twist on.
My heart hurts.
Like you ripped it out and stomped on it.
Like you threw it through a blender.
Like you ripped it apart with your bare fingers.
The phrase "Like you" is way too overused! I don't like it here because it makes the poem feel redundant-- I understand you're portraying the effect of lingering dejection, but it would do you well to use that space to give us a new thought altogether, dearie. How about you tell us what the feeling reminded you of in more complex words? Spin a spider web of images out of this, but if you keep telling us a love story in the same words as everyone else, it won't impress us. Make us care about yours by making it stand out.
Happy review day,
Juni
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