My heart hurts.
Like you ripped it out and stomped on it.
Like you threw it through a blender.
Like you ripped it apart with your bare fingers.
Not even a goodbye.
Not even one single word escaped your lips.
You just left me, to die in this house.
alone.stoned. and broken.
I thought you were mine.
And I was absolutly sure I was yours.
But you left without a glance back,
covering all your tracks.
A girl has to wonder,
How someone she loved could do this to she,
And she has been left to figure it out,
to pick up every broken piece.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey, Kammie, Juniper here,
Love poems have been done over and over, perhaps a million times over, if not ten times more. I was a little bored with this one because it feels like I heard it before, and that's not an insult to your writing abilities. The thing is, if you write a love poem in the same general vocabulary that is usually associated with love, chances are it's not going to shine as brightly as something you put a twist on.
The phrase "Like you" is way too overused! I don't like it here because it makes the poem feel redundant-- I understand you're portraying the effect of lingering dejection, but it would do you well to use that space to give us a new thought altogether, dearie. How about you tell us what the feeling reminded you of in more complex words? Spin a spider web of images out of this, but if you keep telling us a love story in the same words as everyone else, it won't impress us. Make us care about yours by making it stand out.
Happy review day,
Juni
Hey lylas!
I'm going to review your poem today!
This is a very strong, heart felt poem, Nice work!
Your heart was clearly broken by this boy, sorry to hear that! I'm sure a lot of people could relate to this heartbreaking poem. The flow was good, and flowed throughout.
I just think you could elaborate more on 'My head hurts'.
Overall , well done!
~Keep writing
Hey there!
Ah, romance, heartbreak, a very common subject! I did enjoy how you conveyed the emotions of being hurt and angry, as one would be over such, so good on you for that! Now, I do feel like this could be stronger, as you used very common imagery. "My hurt hearts" is a very basic opening, in which I feel you could elaborate by using powerful adjectives to draw the reader in, to make them feel with you. "Like you ripped it out and stomped on it." is something I've seen /a lot/ in romance. I believe you could find something stronger and less common to convey the same message. "Like you threw it through a blender." This is definitely not typical, but feels a bit amateur. "Like you ripped it apart with your bare fingers." I would like more detail into this, and I feel like you could nix all the repetitive "like you"s. The second stanza is again, typical, and not really strong for me. That being said, I feel you could really go somewhere with "alone. stoned. and broken.", possibly play into the stoned/broken thing ? The opening line in the next stanza is just okay, I guess. I really like the second one, though, as that implies there is far more to the story than one would think, it's not just a break up. The next two lines are alright, again, typical. I really liked the last stanza, though, it seems to sum up things well, though I'd nix the "she" in the second line.
Overall, you have a nice base, just re-work it a bit!
~Epic
Hello! I quite liked this piece-it was very emotive and there was some good imagery.
Although, change this 'alone.stoned. and broken.'-to me it looks wrong so I would put 'Alone, stoned, broken'(like dragonrider said).
Also, spelling needs to be checked-'absolutely' not 'absolutly' (probably just a typo I guess but still).
Also, I'm not too sure about 'How someone she loved could do this to she,
And she has been left to figure it out,'
There is too much repitition of 'she' in my opinion and 'How someone she loved could do this to she' sounds a bit odd.
I like the end line-'to pick up every broken piece' as it repeats the title and reinforces your message although maybe you could twist the idea a bit.
'My heart hurts.
Like you ripped it out and stomped on it.
Like you threw it through a blender.
Like you ripped it apart with your bare fingers.' -you have repeated 'ripped'. You could put:
'My heart hurts.
Like you ripped it out and stomped on it.
Like you threw it through a blender.
Like you tore it apart with your bare fingers.'
Also, maybe you could get rid of 'even' in 'Not even one single word escaped your lips.' (maybe)
Anyway, well done-good poem!
Thank you!
tiggpanda145
Lylas! Here for a review on your song
What I liked about this was that it had a pretty strong message. Although rather short, it was pretty effective. The language was emotive, to say the least. I could really feel the hate in the song, and I think it’s good to express yourself through art. To me, it seemed more like it could be lyrics- although poetry and lyrics are pretty similar, I can imagine this with a melody and music! Just something to think about
Now onto improvements. Firstly, I have seen this sort of message time and time again, and I’m sort of getting bored with it really. I’m not saying you should stop writing about things that many people have felt, but if you’re going to use such a widely used message then put your own twist on it! Maybe add some personal associations, or some interesting metaphors to express the emotions rather than saying it so bluntly.
Sort of linked to the idea of adding your own twist to things- you’ve used a couple of clichéd lines; for example:
I’ve heard this line too many times… I’m sure you’ve heard it too as well. I mean, I really think you could come up with something more interesting to represent something of a similar topic. See, this poem has loads of potential, but a few alterations should be put in place. Like not using cliché lines, and using your own! You’re very creative so I’m sure you can do it
Also, your title ‘Every Broken Peace’, is spelling ‘peace’ as feeling peaceful etc rather than a literal broken piece intentional? If it is, I think it’s a really interesting idea, although it doesn’t make total sense. And if it wasn’t intentional, you might want to correct that! xD
I hope this helped! This definitely has loads of potential, please PM me if you’d like another review!
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
OMG HAHAHAHA THE TITLE LOL
This was a good piece. Although there were a few areas that need fixing...
The intro. was very good, and it immediately caught my attention. I loved the descriptions, and the style in which the poem was written.
The biggest issue was just that a couple areas were off-beat, or grammar checks.
"alone.stoned. and broken." This should just be "Alone, stoned, broken."
You spelled absolutely wrong--but that's just me nit-picking.
"How someone she loved could do this to she" You need to replace "she" with "her".
"And she has been left to figure it out, to pick up every broken piece." I think that it should be rewritten as: And she has been left to figure it out, as she picks up every broken piece.
Overall, I loved this poem!
Keep on writing!
Dragonrier