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Young Writers Society



The Charm of Deception- Chapter One, Part One

by Shady


I focused my eyes on my bare toes as they gently rested on the rough bark, the ground a blur of green below me, broken only by small patches of white. Lifting my eyes, I carefully placed my left foot in front of my right, taking deep breaths, focusing on finding my inner balance as my eyes locked on a limb a few feet in front of me. It was about on the level of my waist, about arm's reach from the branch I was on.

My mind's eye saw the fools from the previous night. Dressed in reds, and yellows, and bright greens and blues, they hopped all around the room, doing lovely tricks, and flips, and giving me ideas. I'd be an acrobat, if I could. The thought made me smirk, as I turned towards the next branch. Father would have a conniption if I told him that.

"Please be careful, Rana."

I turned my gaze on Char. He was standing on the ground, ten feet below, frowning, his arms crossed. His eyebrows were drawn together, his curly thatch of brown hair a mess atop his head. He looked so worried. I smirked. "Aw. Relax, Old Man."

"I'm not going to relax while you're prancing around in the top of that tree."

"I'm not in the top...I guess I could go to the top." I looked up, placing my hand on a branch over my head. I knew I shouldn't go any higher. It was a young tree. It wasn't strong enough to support me if I went much higher.

"No!"

I hid a cruel grin. That reaction was good enough. I looked back down at him, lifting my eyebrows.

"Just...please don't." He corrected, his hands now balled into fists beside his side. "You're making me a nervous mess."

"I am?" Just imagine what Father would think, if he could see me. I grabbed hold of the branch in front of me. "I haven't even done anything dangerous...yet."

"How can you figure-- yet?"

I grinned at him, watching his face fall with his hopes, before swinging myself onto the other branch. I hooked my knees over it and let my torso fall backward, so that I was looking at the world upside down. Char looked horrified, even upside down. I grinned at him.

"Be careful." He put a hand on his forehead, looking every bit as worried as my nurse did when she saw me hanging out of trees.

"You old maid." I taunted, wiggling my fingers. "Next you'll be claiming I give you gray hairs."

"I'm sure you have." He ran his fingers through his hair. "They'll show up any moment now. Now please get--"

"Let me help them along." I grabbed the limb with my right hand, letting my left heel flip down, so I was hanging sideways from the branch. He gasped. "Did that do it?"

He spluttered. I giggled. If Father saw me...I'd be in so much trouble.

"Oh, come on, Prince Kernighan.” I teased, using his title for no other reason than to annoy him. "You're not even in any danger."

"But you are!" He snapped. "You're going to get hurt."

"I'll be fine--"

"You'll get hurt." He insisted.

"I will--"

"Darrana Karine Elstan!"

I started at my name, bellowed loudly, echoing off the valley around me. My fingers slipped on the smooth bark, and my hand fell free. I flailed my arms, my fingers trying to get a grasp on anything. Half a moment later my heel slipped off the branch, catching hold of my flesh and tearing it free as the rest of me fell towards the ground.

I yelped, despite myself, as I tucked my head into my chest, turning so that I landed on my upper back and rolled. The momentum carried me onto my feet. I staggered to the side, trying to regain my balance, and my dignity. I didn't manage either.

I tripped over my own feet, falling again, flat onto my back in a small dip. I pushed myself up with my elbows, my eyes flicking around, searching for Father.

"Up here."

My eyes snapped up to the corner window on the top story of our manor. Father was sticking as much as would fit of him out the window, mostly his head, a bit of his shoulders. His face was flushed, he was glaring. I'm in trouble.

"Papa!" I said brightly. "I...didn't expect you home so soon."

"My office. Now." He snarled before slamming the window shut.

I sighed, letting my head fall back. I saw Char standing over me, worried. He bent. "Are you okay?"

"For now." I sighed dramatically, laying a hand on my forehead to make my point a bit further. "Who knows what will become of me, when I get up to the tyrant's lair."

"You're fine." He snorted, standing up. "And your Father isn't that scary."

"He is too." I grumbled, taking his hand, letting him pull me to my feet. "He's big and mean."

"He doesn't come to here on me." Char gestured at his upper chest. I glared, stepping closer to him. I barely came to his chest. He patted my head, smirking. "Well I can't help that you're so short."

I elbowed him in the side, stepping away from him once more. "Neither can I."

"He's short, fat, and old."

"He's still mean." I insisted.

"Then you wouldn't do well as my sister." Char continued walking, rubbing his side. "My father really is scary."

"Pft." Your father is far nicer. I'd love to have your dad...well...if the choice was between my father and yours, that is.

"My father is taller than even I am."

"So?"

"And he's strong."

"So?"

"And he's the king."

"So?"

Char stopped walking to glare at me. "He's the king.”

"So, your dad has a scarier title than mine. He's still nicer."

"Pft." I grinned as he rolled his eyes. He's nicer to me, at least. All he does is tattle to Father. "I'd take a scholar to a warmonger any day."

"I want to see you too, Prince Charahk!" My eyes snapped up to find Father hanging out of the window once more. "And move it."

The window slammed shut. I cringed. It was never good for me when Father got so angry. I absently slid my fingers beneath the collar of my tunic, fingering the scar on my left shoulder, a permanent reminder of the night Father went too far.

Char sighed. I glanced up at him, smirking. He's scarier when you're the one in trouble, no? "I guess you'll get your chance to take the scholar."

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, grunting, before he pulled the door to our manor open. I walked past him, turning and walking backwards a few steps as he let the door shut. I reached for his hand, glad that I hadn't stopped my childhood habit. I liked holding his hand.

His rough, callused fingers enveloped my hand gently, and we started up the stairs side by side. I rubbed my left palm on my trouser leg, and started as my hand met bare skin. I'd forgotten what I was wearing-- a pair of cotton undershorts that I'd bullied my little sister, Fania, into making for me. They were comfortable, but barely came half way to my knee.

"I've got to change!"

"Rana, I don't think that now is the time to worry about how you--"

"Look at me." I hissed, dropping his hand, stepping away from him. "Father might disown me, if I go to his office wearing this."

"He's already seen you--"

"Char." I whined, starting to get scared.

He sighed. "Fine. You don't have time to get cinched into one of those horrid dresses, but Eldon probably has some old trousers you can borrow. Let's go check."

I nodded, walking softly as I followed Char through the kitchen and out the back door. We walked up the small knoll, towards the stables, when I spotted Eldon by the pump. I ran over to him, my shoulders still throbbing from falling out of the tree. The back of my ankle burned, the fresh air assaulting the bare flesh. "Elds! Hi!"

"Hey Rana." He turned towards me, smiling. He hesitated a moment before frowning. "What's wrong?"

So much for being a good actress. "I...nothing."

He looked at me flatly. "What's wrong?"

"I really, really, really need a favor." I bit my lip, trying to read his face.

He straightened, leaving the buckets by his feet. He was the same age as me, a bit younger, yet he stood taller than even Char. He scratched his short blond hair, looking between us. "What did you two do this time?"

"Don't look at me." Char said, crossing his arms. "It's her, like it always is."

I glared between them. "You always go along with it."

"Liar. I always tell you that it's a bad idea."

"But you always go along with it...then blame it on me."

"Because it's always your fault."

What is?" Eldon interrupted.

"I...was playing around in the trees, and Father came home early, and caught me."

He cringed.

"Yeah. And so he ordered that I go to his office."

"You'd best go, then. You know he only gets madder and madder when you make him wait."

Oh, do I. "I know. But...I can't very well go, looking like this." I gestured at myself. Char and Eldon were used to my habit of baring my legs. Everyone else made a big fuss about it.

"So you want a pair of my old trousers." Eldon finished. I nodded. He sighed. "Very well. This way, Miss."

He bent to pick his buckets of water up. I grabbed one of the buckets, hefting it up, stumbling to the side. "I'll...help."

"I'm pretty sure that bucket is as heavy as you are, Miss." Eldon smirked. My arm was burning. I glared at him.

"Is not." It was probably half as heavy as I was. I would soon enter my fourteenth year, but still viewed the world from the body of a child. Barely tall enough to see over the back of a horse, barely as heavy as a bag of feed.

"Very well, then." Eldon stepped back, gesturing toward the stable. "After you."

"Okay." I lifted my chin, grabbing the handle with my other hand, struggling to carry it without letting it splash on me. I only took a few steps toward the stables before the bucket bumped against me, and cold water doused my bare leg. I gasped, dancing away from the bucket, holding it as far away from my body as my arm could stretch.

I heard them chuckling behind me. I frowned, my resolve strengthened, and took another step. My arm trembled. Another step. A bit more water splashed out. Eldon's strong hand wrapped around the handle, and the weight was relieved. I looked up at him, glaring. "I can do it."

"I know you can. But we're in a hurry...besides, you can't get into a pair of trousers if your legs are all wet...and..." He shrunk back at my glare. "It's my job, anyway."

I frowned as he took the bucket and started down the narrow path, Char right behind him, carrying the second bucket. I hated being so small. So weak. People insisted on treating me like a fragile little lady. I crossed my arms and followed them. I'm not going to get any stronger of you all insist on coddling me.

Eldon set the buckets in the corners of two horse stalls, and then briskly strode to the back of the stable, to the room just beside the tack stall. He pulled the curtain back, revealing a small room, an old horse stall, with a cot pushed in one corner, and a crate opposite it.

He reached into the crate and pulled out a pair of trousers. He held them up to himself and, seeing that they were far too small, held them out to me. "Here. Try these, Miss."

I pulled them on, then frowned at the fabric that hung around my legs in great sheaves.

"They're the smallest I have left, Miss." Eldon said apologetically. "Ryon grew into the ones you used to wear, and me mum said for me to give 'em to him."

I nodded, biting my lip. "Of course. He's your brother. He takes priority."

I understood completely. But I can't very well go to Father wearing these. They won't even stay up by themselves. I glanced around the room.

"Here. Try this." I looked back at him as he handed me a length of twine. I laced it through the belt loops and tied it tightly, before pulling my tunic down, and looking at myself. "Good enough...you'd best go, Miss."

I nodded and glanced at Char. "You ready?"

"Come on." He answered, stepping back into the aisle.


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56 Reviews


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Mon Aug 05, 2013 9:10 pm
AmethystNight wrote a review...



Again, a great piec of writing. I really like your style and find your main character very easy to relate to. Your speach is very good, helping to create believable characters. I have a few things to point out again that you might want to look at.

Just imagine what Father would think, if he could see me.

You don't need the comma here.
turning so that I landed on my upper back and rolled.

You need a comma between, "back," and, "and."
I grumbled, taking his hand, letting him pull me to my feet

I would swap the second comma for an and - it just makes a litttle more sense.
I love the world that you've created here and can't wait to find out more about it.




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Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:17 am
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indieeloise wrote a review...



Hiya, Shady! Not-So-Secret Santa here again to review. :)

So in the first paragraph, I noticed you started off again, similar to your prologue, with a lot of passive voice. For example, the first sentence -- toes aren’t doing the resting, it’s Rana that is resting her toes! Seems like kind of a patterned trap you fall into in the beginning of your writing, because it smooths out as the chapter progresses. I would be wary of that, if I were you.

doing lovely tricks, and flips, and giving me ideas.


This is kind of awkwardly worded. I think the “giving ideas” bit is unnecessary; the narrator could just mention having watched the acrobats and then go straight into thinking that she could do it, too.

I turned my gaze on Char. He was standing on the ground, ten feet below, frowning, his arms crossed.


This wording really isn’t realistic, especially the first sentence. Maybe try something simpler and more compact, like, “I looked at Char, standing ten feet below me, his arms crossed and a frown creasing his brow.” Also, the sentence “He looked so worried” isn’t really necessary and I think is better inferred.

Char looked horrified, even upside down. I grinned at him.


Great representation of the relationship between these two characters!

I started at my name, bellowed loudly,


Not many females I know that bellow, per se, but more power to her!

His face was flushed, he was glaring.


Oops, comma splice! Maybe reword it to something spiffy like, “The tone of his eyes seemed to match his flushed cheeks.” Or whatever you want.

”Papa!” I said brightly.


Curious as to why Rana refers to her father as Father in her thoughts, but Papa out loud.

”I want to see you, too, Prince Charahk!”


Jeez, you come up with the best names. :D

a permanent reminder of the night Father went too far.


Um.. whoa. *shivers* Foreshadowinggggg!

”Char.” I whined, starting to get scared.


This little exchange about the supposedly indecent shorts seems kind of out-of-character for Rana to get suddenly so worked up about this, when she’s been practically boasting the whole chapter about how she isn’t afraid of her dad.

The back of my ankle burned, the fresh air assaulting the bare flesh.


Oooh, “assaulting.” A little pizazz!! I like that.

He looked at me flatly. “What’s wrong?”


I think this is my favorite dialogue-ish exchange in the whole chapter. Eldon is very believable.

~

Anyways, this was good! Look forward to seeing what direction you take this.

~Indie.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:10 pm
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Bellator wrote a review...



Hello! I really enjoyed this. Besides some missing spaces (It's happened to me too). your piece is very readable, and I am drawn in to what happens. I especially liked how you dropped subtle hints about her father being abusive and easily angered. I'd like to learn more about Rana and Char's relationship with each other in further chapters. Nice work!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 7:09 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey! Iggy here, as promised.

Before I start the nitpicks, I want to focus on the first paragraph. I feel that it is off, and can e written in a simpler way. I suggest removing all the extra "I focused/I lifted/I fixed my eyes". The first one will suffice; the test are just repetitive and tensions to read over and over. I assure you that the reader understands that the main character is seeing all of this with their eyes.

Another thing is the second paragraph, with the italicizes thoughts of the girl. Those are rather cramped, since there is no space between sentences.For example,I mean this.See what I mean? I suggest terrain our work and fixing all of those.

"Darrana Carine Elston!"


Carine? But in the prologue, you state thy it was spelt "Karine".

Itripped over my own feet, falling again, flat onto my back in a small dip.


Should be "I tripped".

Very curious so far! Why would "Father" want to see her? Why does he even care that his child is monkeying around? I thought he didn't even love her! Did he grow to realize that jut because she was a girl doesn't mean that she deserved the treatment he was giving her? I hope that you will explain his reasons and intentions in the next chapter, when she finally goes up to see him.

About Char, it seems rather sudden, a prince included randomly into the piece. He seems very down to earth, very kind and modest, so I think I like him.

One thing I feel you need to express more is their age. It feels as if Rana is 12-14ish and Char is almost a grown man, 16 or 17. What is it? They must be the same age, if not similar? Little things can help the reader know, like the comparison of his height and bulk to her childish figure, or maybe you can even weave it into a piece of dialogue or what have you.

Other than all that, it was a good first chapter! I think I will like Rana; she is small, but determined and of a good heart. I am also curious to know her past, very curious indeed!

Let me know when chapter two is up!

~ Iggy.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:55 am
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RacheDrache wrote a review...



Howdy howdy, Shadow!

I really enjoyed reading this. It was a good beginning. A situation any child of any era could be in--doing something dangerous and forbidden by The Parents. There was a problem, a hint of plot, but the true arc of the novel could be anything. Yet we know some characters, know a little about the world, aren't overwhelmed by a slew of details nor bored by...boringness. Beginning an alternate world fantasy novel is hard, but this does well!

You have good timing, too, which is always nice to see.

One thing that threw me out of the story was Char's full name, Charlemange, because all I could think of was the famous Charlemange, and none of your other names were "our world" names. This one in particular was conspicuous. Thought I might bring this to your attention!

The other thing I'd keep in mind if I were you, moving forward with writing this (as you definitely should) is that my Rebellious Female hackles are up. What I mean by this is that, in fantasy stories in particular, any of the female characters who go around insisting they can do everything the boys can do, etc. get into Rebellious Female territory. They get blasted for not being ladylike, and still insist on doing boy things, and...

Well, it's an outdated feminist model. I can go on and on about this topic if you'd like more background on it, but for now I though I'd mention it to get your gears turning. Generally, as long as you aren't trying to use Rana as a soapbox for a position, you should be in the clear. And while my hackles were up a bit, I'm not sitting here rolling my eyes or finding her hard to swallow.

Her thing seems to be everyone underestimating her and coddling her because she's small, too tiny--and that is interesting. Far more interesting than people underestimating her because she's female. That happens all the time and isn't new. People getting underestimated because of their height isn't new either, but characters with physical limitations in a world where physical ability gives so much of an advantage is definitely worth reading on for.

It just leads to so many interesting thoughts. If she goes on a quest, she'll have a hard time keeping up, etc. And if she perseveres... that's something to admire and root for. In my opinion, anyway.

Finally...I'm wondering what this world's like on its morality meter. Char doesn't seem to mind that she's wandering around in undershorts...scandalous in many pseudo-Europes! If it is scandalous and he just doens't care.... well, that makes things even more interesting.

Explore these relationships. That's my advice for you, in the end. Explore them and nurture them and see where the story takes them.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:12 am
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Krystal6 says...



your a very talented writer and I can tell you, I found no spelling errors or grammar issues! Good job, I cant believe how well your narrative language is. Your on the right track, the track to perfection! Keep in the league!
-Krystal6





Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus