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16+ Language

The Past (1) *Revised*

by singingwriter1673


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The last thing I remembered was the slam of the door. All of the emotions I had been holding in all night finally cascaded down my face.

I was broken.

I had never seen so much anger in his face and demeanor before. It was scary and I hoped I wouldn't ever have to see it again. Then again, I had no say in it. I didn't even know if he was ever going to walk back through the door.

12 Hours Earlier

"James, I understand that you're busy but it's a special night for us! We finally unpacked that last pesky box. We're officially moved in together," I said into the phone.

The coffee in my hand had long since cooled off and I was back home after a quick errand run. It was still early and I knew that James wasn't usually busy at eleven o'clock in the morning.

"I know, Marie. But I'm telling you right now that I don't want you to be upset if my boss walks in and gives me a shit-load of stuff to do before I leave. He's still not happy about that incident last week."

I blushed at the memory. It had started off as an innocent visit. I was excited that James and I had all of our boxes in the apartment and decided to pay him a lunch visit. When I got there, I could see he was stressed out and...well...I did what I do best when he's that way. Unfortunately, his boss decided to walk in and when he saw James' pants down and me kneeling in front of him, he wasn't too happy.

"Oh, fine," I huffed. "I won't make reservations. But I do expect us to celebrate some way when you get home."

"Baby, I already have our celebration planned out,"James said smoothly. I rolled my eyes.

"Alright, honey. You keep your mind on that and hurry home. I love you."

"Love you, too! Bye."

Once I hung up the phone, I looked at my blank computer screen and sighed. I had a paper due in a few days and though I was excited to get my masters, I was also annoyed at the fact that one of my last assignments had nothing to do with my major. I shrugged it off and got to work, knowing that it would take me a while to get it done.

Two hours, an empty coffee cup, and five pages later, I was done for the day and uncomfortably hungry. I dragged myself into the kitchen and settled on cereal for lunch. My phone began to ring and when I picked it up, I was confused at the unknown number that flashed on the screen.

"I wonder..." I thought out loud before answering with a questionable, "Hello?"

"Marie Jasmine Anderson. How wonderful it is to hear your voice again."

My cereal bowl crashed onto the tiled floor of the kitchen as I let it fall from my hands. My heart began to beat at a mile a minute.

"Oh my God..." I whispered into the phone.

I hadn't heard that voice in over ten years. It was the voice of a past that I never wanted to revisit.Images of dimly lit rooms filled with smoke pulled themselves out of the depths of my mind from only a few words said by that raspy voice on the phone.

"Oh, dear. Have I startled you?" he asked in mock concern. "I do dearly apologize. I am just so excited to hear your voice. It brings back fond memories."

I wasn't able to speak. My body was on autopilot as I walked to the couch to sit down. How did he find me?

"It's okay, sweet one. You don't have to speak. I'll talk and you listen. I have been searching for you for a very long time, Marie. Ten years is it?" he chuckled as if we were reminiscing about the old days. I wanted to say something. I wanted to end the call. I wanted to scream because of how angry I was that his voice brought back terrible memories. Memories that I’d spent years trying to destroy.

His voice began to take on a more sinister and even angry tone as he continued to speak. "Ten years that you've been hiding from me. Ten years that you've owed me money. And poor dear, you didn't even try to evade me. You didn't change your name. You became friends with people. You even have a boyfriend that I know loves you very dearly. Marie, I want the money you owe me. And now...there's also an interest to be paid."

"No," I managed to whisper.

"Yes. I have big plans for you dear and I hope your life can handle them."


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 9:04 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Oh wow, I'm most definitely interested in who this mystery man could be! I want to know everything about their past together.

I like the relationship that you've displayed between James and Marie. I also like the way you put a tiny part at the beginning about -I'm guessing James walking out on her - because of this phone call.

Overall...I think this is a great start to a novel and I'm really looking forward to see where you're going to run with it.

Good luck and ill read the next chapter soon!






Thank you :D



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Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:46 am
ChocoCookie wrote a review...



Hey singingwriter1673!

I am eagerly waiting to go read Part 2 now. I liked it, it gave a really professional image to the story and you can totally get the picture. Though it would have been better if you described more about James and Marie, how they met and you know.

As a reader, I should tell you that you got me hooked on the first chapter itself which doesn't quite happen a lot. Though what I didn't like is that part of suspense was already revealed. Like the money owing part. The good part is, what made me think was, why did she need to owe money, Marie seemed quite happy and led a jolly life... Those are the thoughts that pop up in your mind, your just like, I need to the next part.

Now here,

"Baby, I already have our celebration planned out,"James said smoothly. I rolled my eyes.

"Alright, honey. You keep your mind on that and hurry home. I love you."

"Love you, too! Bye."


I don't know if its me and my dislike towards too much of sappy dialogues, but it thoroughly didn't seem to... Well, it didn't have a catch to it. But nevertheless, it was kind of good too.

And here too,
My phone began to ring and when I picked it up, I immediately became confused at the unknown number that flashed.


The "I immediately became confused" part didn't really need a "became". But instead, it should have shaped into something like this:- "I was immediately confused at the unknown number that flashed."

All in all, I enjoyed reading it and I'm now going to make my way to read the second part. You're a wonderful writer I can see because for me being hooked with a story is a difficult thing to do. Well done!

Keep Writing! ~
ChocoCookie






Thank you! :D And I wasn't exactly sure what you were trying to say with the lovey dovey part...could you explain a little more. Sorry.



ChocoCookie says...


You know... I think I would advice to just ignore that part. :) Let it be as it is. ^^



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Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:20 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi singingwriter1673! I noticed part 2 of this in the Green Room, so I thought I'd read and review this before moving onto that.

What I especially liked about this piece is the cliff-hanger you've left it with. I mean, talk about a gripping first chapter. It really has raised a lot of questions, and really makes me as a reader want to find out more about what's going to happen! I also thought generally (apart from an exception I'll mention later) the dialogue seemed to flow really well and was quite natural, so well done!

Now, I think this piece needed more about James and Marie. I mean they are in a relationship. I've already sort of learnt something about them through their small tiff about the anniversary, but I want to know more! Just generally, I want to know more about these characters. I'd like to see some more descriptions, and if not here than in a later part of the story. I also really want to know more about this person that has phoned her up, it's all left a bit unclear at the moment.

Secondly, now I did say your dialogue was generally good, however this part:

"It's okay, sweet one. You don't have to speak. I'll talk and you listen. I have been searching for you for a very long time, Marie. Ten years is it?" he chuckled as if we were reminiscing about the old days. His voice began to take on a more sinister and even angry tone. "Ten years that you've been hiding from me. Ten years that you've owed me money. And poor dear, you didn't even try to evade me. You didn't change your name. You became friends with people. You even have a boyfriend that I know loves you very dearly. Marie, I want the money you owe me. And now...there's also an interest to be paid."-

It just all seems a bit too unnatural to me. I mean, he's talking for so long and she doesn't seem to say anything for ages. Is she still in shock? Mention that! Also, how does she know for sure that it's this horrible person, I know they say specific things, but I think I'd like to see mentioned something specific about their voice. The way they breath maybe.

Overall, i thought this was a really good part one for a story. It raised a lot of questions which was great, however it's missing a bit of imagery and characterisation. I hope this helped, now I'm off to review part 2!

Keep Writing!
-Arc x






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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:53 am
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Sushi here as promised!
I like how you started this with the present going back to the past, which is ironic considering your story title. Your writing style is interesting and is spares me from slight awkward bits that others might just say bluntly.

Unfortunately, his boss decided to walk in and when he saw James' pants down and me kneeling in front of him, he wasn't too happy.
Being young, it makes me feel a bit better that you didn't exactly what was happening, but gave just enough detail so that when the reader understands they might blush along with the main character.
Two hours, an empty coffee cup, and five pages later, I was done for the day and uncomfortably hungry. I saved the document and closed my laptop, rubbing my eyes and standing to stretch. I dragged myself into the kitchen and settled on cereal for lunch. My phone began to ring and when I picked it up, I immediately became confused at the unknown number that flashed.
I liked the beginning and how you show the passing of time, but it makes the rest of your paragraph sound like a list of things that she was doing.
"I wonder..."
Just a note for the future, thoughts are in italics.
How wonderful it is to hearyour voice again."
Thought you might want to see the little typo there. If it appears that you put a space in the original, just put an extra space and that should do it :)
"Oh, dear. Have I startled you?" he asked in mock concern.
Since you end the quote with a "?" the following should begin in CAPS. There are other parts where you did the same, but I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find them.
I like how you ended this having a quote that kind of shows what the person on the phone is like. It makes the reader wonder what will happen next and what she did to get where she is now. Your title seems very suitable right, which tortures the reader even further wanting to know more and more about her past. The only thing I had a real problem with was the fact that you used "and" and "I" quite a bit. Some of your sentences are fairly long and need more pauses, but other than that wonderful job! Keep up the wonderful work!
Sushi :D






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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:40 am
Sins wrote a review...



Hey there singingwriter, and welcome to YWS. :D It's currently review day and this is my second review, so I shall get straight in! I'm going to begin this review with what I like about what you have here, and then I'll start with the critiques and suggestions to hopefully help you improve this a little.

Right then, anyways, I'll start with what I like about this because as a whole, I think this has some great potential. Even though this is a pretty short piece and it's only the beginning of a longer story, I can already tell that this is going to be an original one. I can't think of anything I've read that's similar to this anyways, so really well done for that. Your characters also seem interesting enough so far, and Marie is a likable character so that's a plus. I also really like the opening of this:

The last thing I remembered was the slam of the door. All of the emotions I had been holding in all night finally cascaded down my face.

I was broken.

I had never seen so much anger in his face and demeanor before. It was scary and I hoped I wouldn't ever have to see it again. Then again, I had no say in it. I didn't even know if he was ever going to walk back through the door.


I like stories that begin with a mysterious description of what's going on now, and then rewinds back to describe and explain what led to the current situation... err, if that makes sense! Basically, I think you've done a good job here in terms of format and what not.

Now for critiques. :) The first thing I want to bring up is pretty minor, but you sort of gave the impression in this that Marie knew who would be calling her, and that just seems really odd to me. I mean, how would she know it would be this guy? It could have literally been anyone, and while it may have been a concern of hers over the past ten years or whatever, it seems a coincidence that she would think of him when her phone started ringing.

"I wonder..." I thought out loud before answering with a questionable, "Hello?"


This is where you give the impression that Marie knows who's calling her because here you sort of foreshadow it, and then we soon find out it's someone she fears, thus strengthening the idea that she knew who it would be. It just seems very unlikely to me that Marie would know who was calling her. The only way I would find this easily believable would be if this guy had been on Marie's mind constantly for the past ten years, and if it was a genuine real worry of hers. But I don't believe it was. I shall tell you why I think that with my next critique!

Okay so on a similar note, I find it so strange that Marie hasn't done anything to avoid this guy. I mean, she's kept her identity and has been pretty open in general, but if this guy really is as much trouble as she's making out he is then it's extremely stupid of her not to have kept her identity more secret. The only way I feel I can justify Marie not changing her identity or anything is if she just has't thought about this guy much over the past ten years or so, but then that wouldn't work with what I said in the first critique: she couldn't have guessed it would be him calling her if she hasn't thought about him much over the last decade.

Moving on to the grammatical and technical side of things, you're int he clear overall. In fact, you actually have very good grammar really, so yay for that! The only thing I picked up on in this was that, at times, you had some long sentences with various conjunctions, but no commas. Either that, or not enough commas. Commas are tricky little buggers so I completely understand why you might have slipped up with them now and then, but the best advice I can really give you is to read your piece aloud and emphasising the punctuation. Literally stop for a second every time there's full stop, pause briefly for every comma e.t.c. That way, when you come across a sentence in need of a comma or two you'll be able to notice because it will sound rushed and will cause you to lose your breath a little as you read it aloud.

And finally, the only other thing I want to briefly mention is characterisation and character development. Now I'm not going to stress on this too much because as I said earlier, this is a very short piece and it's only the beginning of a story, so naturally, there isn't much character development here at the moment. I just want to let you know that you have to be a bit careful you don't fall into any stereotypes, end up with any one dimensional characters, or any other characterisation problems. I think you'll be fine, but as it stands I can't really say that Marie (or her boyfriend) stand out in any way at the moment, so just be careful with that. Make sure they end up as interesting, orginial characters that stand out.

But negatives aside, I really do think that this story has a bucket load of potential. Like I said previously, I can definitely see this story shaping up to be an original one, and I'm a firm believer in originality being an extremely important aspect within a story. Your grammar was also very good overall, and I am definitely intrigued to find out where things are going to lead to and how these stories will end up. Also, I'm sorry if I haven't made much sense in this review because to be honest, I feel like I haven't... With that in mind, if you have any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate to contact me via my wall, via PM, or as a reply to this review.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins






Thank you! :D



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Sat Jun 29, 2013 4:29 pm
Saraherichardson wrote a review...



Hello, SarahR the reviewer here! Only a matter of paragraphs and I'm already gripped! The emotions of the main protagonist are conveyed excellently here, and the use of the flashback to give explanation as to why things are as they are is very effective. It allows myself as the reader to look down in an omniscient fashion on the events occurring, and allows for a full understanding of not only said events but the characters also.

The situation in which you have placed you character is very realistic and convincing, making the mysterious caller stand out even more starkly. This is a story with much potential, and the cliffhanger ending leads me to want more: who is the mysterious character returning after ten years? What do they want? Why? I would love to see an extension for this story to get some answers that I'm sure would benefit the overall layout greatly.

I cannot be sure, but is said mysterious character a Psychopath? The mocking, calculated and emotionless tone is very well written and does give this impression. If this story were to be extended, I would love to see this character to receive more development along with the others.

Overall, a great start to your story: I do hope you will see fit to extend it when you can! :)






Thank you so much! :) and I have already continued it and am planning on continuing it even more :D



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Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:26 pm
EnigmaticSpirit wrote a review...



TheGoonerGirl here to review your story!

This is a fantastic start to what I presume will be a novel. :) Your writing style is very compelling and I was hooked from the beginning to the end. Your description of everything is brilliant and I was able to feel the emotions and see through the eyes of the protagonist.

There are, however, a couple of nitpicks in your story here and there that I'd like to point out to you. Sometimes two words do not have space between them and here they are (highlighted in bold):

if my boss walks in and gives me a shit-loadof stuff to do before I leave.


How wonderful it is to hearyour voice again.


Overall, I think your piece is fantastic and I love it. I want to read more and find out who this man is and the protagonist's past! I believe that you have a great potential in becoming an author. :) I cannot wait for more of your story to come!

Happy writing!






Thank you so much! :D



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Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:54 pm
rachellynn420 says...



You have to finish this. If you're just making it up as you go I think you have real potential as a writer because this was really good so far. (:






Thank you! :) and yes I'm making it up as I go




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