Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The last thing I remembered was the slam of the door. All of the emotions I had been holding in all night finally cascaded down my face.
I was broken.
I had never seen so much anger in his face and demeanor before. It was scary and I hoped I wouldn't ever have to see it again. Then again, I had no say in it. I didn't even know if he was ever going to walk back through the door.
12 Hours Earlier
"James, I understand that you're busy but it's a special night for us! We finally unpacked that last pesky box. We're officially moved in together," I said into the phone.
The coffee in my hand had long since cooled off and I was back home after a quick errand run. It was still early and I knew that James wasn't usually busy at eleven o'clock in the morning.
"I know, Marie. But I'm telling you right now that I don't want you to be upset if my boss walks in and gives me a shit-load of stuff to do before I leave. He's still not happy about that incident last week."
I blushed at the memory. It had started off as an innocent visit. I was excited that James and I had all of our boxes in the apartment and decided to pay him a lunch visit. When I got there, I could see he was stressed out and...well...I did what I do best when he's that way. Unfortunately, his boss decided to walk in and when he saw James' pants down and me kneeling in front of him, he wasn't too happy.
"Oh, fine," I huffed. "I won't make reservations. But I do expect us to celebrate some way when you get home."
"Baby, I already have our celebration planned out,"James said smoothly. I rolled my eyes.
"Alright, honey. You keep your mind on that and hurry home. I love you."
"Love you, too! Bye."
Once I hung up the phone, I looked at my blank computer screen and sighed. I had a paper due in a few days and though I was excited to get my masters, I was also annoyed at the fact that one of my last assignments had nothing to do with my major. I shrugged it off and got to work, knowing that it would take me a while to get it done.
Two hours, an empty coffee cup, and five pages later, I was done for the day and uncomfortably hungry. I dragged myself into the kitchen and settled on cereal for lunch. My phone began to ring and when I picked it up, I was confused at the unknown number that flashed on the screen.
"I wonder..." I thought out loud before answering with a questionable, "Hello?"
"Marie Jasmine Anderson. How wonderful it is to hear your voice again."
My cereal bowl crashed onto the tiled floor of the kitchen as I let it fall from my hands. My heart began to beat at a mile a minute.
"Oh my God..." I whispered into the phone.
I hadn't heard that voice in over ten years. It was the voice of a past that I never wanted to revisit.Images of dimly lit rooms filled with smoke pulled themselves out of the depths of my mind from only a few words said by that raspy voice on the phone.
"Oh, dear. Have I startled you?" he asked in mock concern. "I do dearly apologize. I am just so excited to hear your voice. It brings back fond memories."
I wasn't able to speak. My body was on autopilot as I walked to the couch to sit down. How did he find me?
"It's okay, sweet one. You don't have to speak. I'll talk and you listen. I have been searching for you for a very long time, Marie. Ten years is it?" he chuckled as if we were reminiscing about the old days. I wanted to say something. I wanted to end the call. I wanted to scream because of how angry I was that his voice brought back terrible memories. Memories that I’d spent years trying to destroy.
His voice began to take on a more sinister and even angry tone as he continued to speak. "Ten years that you've been hiding from me. Ten years that you've owed me money. And poor dear, you didn't even try to evade me. You didn't change your name. You became friends with people. You even have a boyfriend that I know loves you very dearly. Marie, I want the money you owe me. And now...there's also an interest to be paid."
"No," I managed to whisper.
"Yes. I have big plans for you dear and I hope your life can handle them."
Oh wow, I'm most definitely interested in who this mystery man could be! I want to know everything about their past together.
I like the relationship that you've displayed between James and Marie. I also like the way you put a tiny part at the beginning about -I'm guessing James walking out on her - because of this phone call.
Overall...I think this is a great start to a novel and I'm really looking forward to see where you're going to run with it.
Good luck and ill read the next chapter soon!
Hey singingwriter1673!
I am eagerly waiting to go read Part 2 now. I liked it, it gave a really professional image to the story and you can totally get the picture. Though it would have been better if you described more about James and Marie, how they met and you know.
As a reader, I should tell you that you got me hooked on the first chapter itself which doesn't quite happen a lot. Though what I didn't like is that part of suspense was already revealed. Like the money owing part. The good part is, what made me think was, why did she need to owe money, Marie seemed quite happy and led a jolly life... Those are the thoughts that pop up in your mind, your just like, I need to the next part.
Now here,
"Baby, I already have our celebration planned out,"James said smoothly. I rolled my eyes.
"Alright, honey. You keep your mind on that and hurry home. I love you."
"Love you, too! Bye."
My phone began to ring and when I picked it up, I immediately became confused at the unknown number that flashed.
And I wasn't exactly sure what you were trying to say with the lovey dovey part...could you explain a little more. Sorry.
Let it be as it is. ^^Hi singingwriter1673! I noticed part 2 of this in the Green Room, so I thought I'd read and review this before moving onto that.
What I especially liked about this piece is the cliff-hanger you've left it with. I mean, talk about a gripping first chapter. It really has raised a lot of questions, and really makes me as a reader want to find out more about what's going to happen! I also thought generally (apart from an exception I'll mention later) the dialogue seemed to flow really well and was quite natural, so well done!
Now, I think this piece needed more about James and Marie. I mean they are in a relationship. I've already sort of learnt something about them through their small tiff about the anniversary, but I want to know more! Just generally, I want to know more about these characters. I'd like to see some more descriptions, and if not here than in a later part of the story. I also really want to know more about this person that has phoned her up, it's all left a bit unclear at the moment.
Secondly, now I did say your dialogue was generally good, however this part:
"It's okay, sweet one. You don't have to speak. I'll talk and you listen. I have been searching for you for a very long time, Marie. Ten years is it?" he chuckled as if we were reminiscing about the old days. His voice began to take on a more sinister and even angry tone. "Ten years that you've been hiding from me. Ten years that you've owed me money. And poor dear, you didn't even try to evade me. You didn't change your name. You became friends with people. You even have a boyfriend that I know loves you very dearly. Marie, I want the money you owe me. And now...there's also an interest to be paid."-
Sushi here as promised!
I like how you started this with the present going back to the past, which is ironic considering your story title. Your writing style is interesting and is spares me from slight awkward bits that others might just say bluntly.
Being young, it makes me feel a bit better that you didn't exactly what was happening, but gave just enough detail so that when the reader understands they might blush along with the main character.Unfortunately, his boss decided to walk in and when he saw James' pants down and me kneeling in front of him, he wasn't too happy.
I liked the beginning and how you show the passing of time, but it makes the rest of your paragraph sound like a list of things that she was doing.Two hours, an empty coffee cup, and five pages later, I was done for the day and uncomfortably hungry. I saved the document and closed my laptop, rubbing my eyes and standing to stretch. I dragged myself into the kitchen and settled on cereal for lunch. My phone began to ring and when I picked it up, I immediately became confused at the unknown number that flashed.
Just a note for the future, thoughts are in italics."I wonder..."
Thought you might want to see the little typo there. If it appears that you put a space in the original, just put an extra space and that should do itHow wonderful it is to hearyour voice again."
Since you end the quote with a "?" the following should begin in CAPS. There are other parts where you did the same, but I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find them."Oh, dear. Have I startled you?" he asked in mock concern.
Hey there singingwriter, and welcome to YWS. It's currently review day and this is my second review, so I shall get straight in! I'm going to begin this review with what I like about what you have here, and then I'll start with the critiques and suggestions to hopefully help you improve this a little.
Right then, anyways, I'll start with what I like about this because as a whole, I think this has some great potential. Even though this is a pretty short piece and it's only the beginning of a longer story, I can already tell that this is going to be an original one. I can't think of anything I've read that's similar to this anyways, so really well done for that. Your characters also seem interesting enough so far, and Marie is a likable character so that's a plus. I also really like the opening of this:
The last thing I remembered was the slam of the door. All of the emotions I had been holding in all night finally cascaded down my face.
I was broken.
I had never seen so much anger in his face and demeanor before. It was scary and I hoped I wouldn't ever have to see it again. Then again, I had no say in it. I didn't even know if he was ever going to walk back through the door.
The first thing I want to bring up is pretty minor, but you sort of gave the impression in this that Marie knew who would be calling her, and that just seems really odd to me. I mean, how would she know it would be this guy? It could have literally been anyone, and while it may have been a concern of hers over the past ten years or whatever, it seems a coincidence that she would think of him when her phone started ringing. "I wonder..." I thought out loud before answering with a questionable, "Hello?"
Hello, SarahR the reviewer here! Only a matter of paragraphs and I'm already gripped! The emotions of the main protagonist are conveyed excellently here, and the use of the flashback to give explanation as to why things are as they are is very effective. It allows myself as the reader to look down in an omniscient fashion on the events occurring, and allows for a full understanding of not only said events but the characters also.
The situation in which you have placed you character is very realistic and convincing, making the mysterious caller stand out even more starkly. This is a story with much potential, and the cliffhanger ending leads me to want more: who is the mysterious character returning after ten years? What do they want? Why? I would love to see an extension for this story to get some answers that I'm sure would benefit the overall layout greatly.
I cannot be sure, but is said mysterious character a Psychopath? The mocking, calculated and emotionless tone is very well written and does give this impression. If this story were to be extended, I would love to see this character to receive more development along with the others.
Overall, a great start to your story: I do hope you will see fit to extend it when you can!
and I have already continued it and am planning on continuing it even more TheGoonerGirl here to review your story!
This is a fantastic start to what I presume will be a novel. Your writing style is very compelling and I was hooked from the beginning to the end. Your description of everything is brilliant and I was able to feel the emotions and see through the eyes of the protagonist.
There are, however, a couple of nitpicks in your story here and there that I'd like to point out to you. Sometimes two words do not have space between them and here they are (highlighted in bold):
if my boss walks in and gives me a shit-loadof stuff to do before I leave.
How wonderful it is to hearyour voice again.
I cannot wait for more of your story to come!You have to finish this. If you're just making it up as you go I think you have real potential as a writer because this was really good so far. 
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