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Young Writers Society



Solomon's Tower Chapter 2

by Ray112


Chapter: two

Fighting is the most exhausting activity for the human body. Not everyone is built for it. Martial artists train for years so they can build the endurance that allows them to last in a battle. My fight with The Ripper so far had lasted only five minutes yet my arms sagged with fatigue and my legs felt like jelly.

Drool oozed from The Ripper’s mouth, he had claws the size of daggers, and his spine protruded about an inch out of his back. His arms and legs had grown bigger and were continuing to gain mass as the Prana coalesced around him with greater frequency. In a matter of seconds he had already grown 6ft tall! I really hoped I knew what I was doing.

I stooped into a low crouch ready to spring at any moment. The Ripper took a step forward and just as I thought he was about to attack, a young woman stepped into the cage. She had red hair tied into a pony tail, dark blue eyes, and a petite athletic figure.

“Mabel, what are you doing?!”I yelled.

Mabel ignored me and spread her arms in a pacifying gesture. She had her back to me and reached her hands out to The Ripper without getting too close.

“It’s alright,” she said. “You don’t have to fight anymore.”

The Ripper growled and the crowd booed. “Get her out of the cage!” Somebody yelled. I turned to the crowd of on lookers and noticed the speaker had been my brother Mason. He’d jumped the railing that separated the cage from the bleachers. The Ripper flicked his tail and thrust it at Mabel. I sprang forward, dived into her, and Ripper’s tail stabbed into the floor feet away from where she’d been standing seconds earlier.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I demanded as I pinned her to the floor of the cage. “He’s dangerous.”

Someone has to help him!” She countered.

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” I shot back. We both locked gazes. I had no idea what was going on in her head. She was more comely from this distance. She had freckles on her cheeks and her skin was delicate but tan probably from long hours spent in the sun. The shove I’d given her moments ago had roughed her up a bit so the blue dress she was wearing had gotten dirty. “This is my fault. Please, I have to do something.” she pleaded.

“Alright, alright,” I complied and helped Mable to her feet. I twirled my staff and focused on reverting it back to its original state. When I finished my silver ring was sitting in the palm of my hand; the emerald embedded in its center glinting in the light from Ripper’s Aura.

I put the ring back on to my hand and shot a look at Mason. “Get over here.”

Mason nodded and proceeded to the gate of the cage and carefully navigated his way to my location in the cage. Mason was dressed in a black shirt, blue jeans, and a red leather jacket. When he got close I could see his totem, our mother’s gold bracelet, glowing bright yellow and hanging loosely on his wrist.

“What’s with the grimace?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “Just thinking about stuff I want to forget. What do you think?” I pointed at Ripper.

Mason frowned as he opened up his SIGHT and the bracelet around his hand glowed brighter. Some Alchemists possess the ability to see other people’s Chakra. Mason had been able to do it since we were kids. I never could understand the science behind Chakra gazing but according to our Master it was a rare ability.

“I don’t know,” he said finally.

“Ok,” I scowled. “What’s that supposed mean?”

“It’s difficult to say…” he reproached.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. “You’re the only person here experienced with Human Alchemy. Manny, you gotta know something.”

“Look, there are two sides to everyone’s Chakra: Positive and Negative. Positive Chakra absorbs Prana and Negative Chakra releases Prana. This process is what sustains the flow of life energy into your body. My only guess is that somehow his negative Chakra is no longer functioning.”

“How is that possible?” I asked him.

Mason hesitated before he spoke, “well I may have an idea, but I bet she does too…”

We both turned our heads to look at Mable was in tears and her face which had become red and puffy had a self-reproachful expression on it. She backed up to the gate and slid to the ground.

Her voice was barely louder than a whisper. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “This is…my fault.”

I approached her. “Mable, what did you do?”

Mable sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I…Well….It’s,” She stammered but she stopped and took a deep breath to calm herself. Mason kneeled beside her and put his hand on her shoulder.

He smiled. “Listen Mable, if you know something about this, you gotta tell us or we can’t help him.”

“I know who you two are ok,” she whimpered. “I’ve seen you asking questions around town. You work for King Pendragon right?”

Mason and I exchanged looks and I nodded. “It’s a little more complicated than that Mable,” he said. “But you are right. We do.”

Her expression changed into a thin lipped grimace. “Then stop acting like you don’t know what this is about,” she stated firmly. Mason looked back at me and shook his head.

“Look, we just need you to confirm…things,” I sighed. “The Ripper, your boyfriend, is he using Philosopher’s stone?”

“His name is Ranak,” she said. “And…yes he is.”

“Van…” I faced my brother who was pointing at something. I followed his gaze and saw what he was addressing.

The Ripper was wailing as the Prana collecting around his body increased exponentially. Prana is the sum total of all energy manifested in the universe. The cage, the bleachers, and all the people in this building are all at the basic level composed of Prana and now The Ripper’s Aura was pulling in prana from outside sources. The bars of the cage were melting; the bleachers in the stands were crumbling and falling apart. This caused wide spread panic in the audience. Men and women screamed as they attempted to escape the building’s disintegration.

“Manny,” I yelled over the The Ripper—Ranak’s screaming. “We’ve got to get out of here!”

I clapped my hands and focused on the Chakra in my ring, then place my hands on the cage and created a hole in its wire mesh frame work. Mable’s eyes went wide.

“You’re not making me leave him,” she asserted.

“I’m sorry,” Mason said. His eyes had a sad glint in them as his hand on Mable’s shoulder took on his bracelet’s gold glow. The glow proceeded to spread across her body until it encompassed her then faded out in a matter of seconds. When Mason’s Alchemy was finished he held Mable’s unconscious body in his hands. I nodded grimly and he followed me out of the cage.

We raced out of the cage towards the crowd of commoners huddled up at the doors. There were yells of protest and a couple of men were smashing left over fragments of the bleachers into the door.

“What’s going on?” I asked a woman next to me. It was the women I’d seen hand the chicken to Ranak at the start of the match.

She scowled. “They sealed the doors shut! No one can get out.”

I swore and scanned the crowd. The doors at the exit had been sealed and the announcer along with Vanderbell and his escort were conveniently nowhere to be seen. “I didn’t wanna have to blow our cover like this,” I said to Mason. “But we have no choice.” Mason nodded. He was carrying the unconscious Mable on his shoulders.

“Do what you have to do,” he said.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a golden badge with a picture of an eagle perched on a sword carved into to it, the emblem of Uther Pendragon.

“The symbol of the crown,” the woman gasped. “It’s the Royal Alchemist!” Many of the on-lookers in the back who heard her gazed wearily at the badge, and stepped aside to let me pass.

“Let’s go,” I said to my brother and he followed me to the sealed doors. The men at the front stopped what they were doing and stepped back to allow me to examine the doors. The doors were made of regular metal so there was nothing special about them, except; the place where they parted had merged together as if they’d been soldered. It was a simple transmutation of metal but easy to fix. I focused on the chakra in my ring and placed my hands on the doors. Static shot across the metal as the particles of Prana within the door were separated. When I finished the door crumbled into dust.

“That was good, but a little over-board,” Mason commented.

“Shut up,” I shot back and then turned to the crowd. “Everybody out!”


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 10:43 am
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hi there! Ooh, I liked how they suddenly went from being streetfighters to being royal alchemists- although I think that maybe you might have mentioned that in the first chapter!

I got confused about Mabel's motives (also you call her Mable at times- which one is it?) At first I thought she was protecting Van and in general nothing made a lot of sense whenever she first appears.

The sudden transition to being people of authority is a little jarring- why didn't they evacuate the place sooner? Why did they only do it after Mabel said she knew who they were? Because that wouldn't mean that they would then just decide, "Oh well, if one person knows everyone should know." It just didn't sit well with me.

So I guess the main issue I have here is with motive. Remember that we always have a motive for everything we do. It needn't be a particularly glamorous or important motive, but we always have one. Mabel has one for jumping into the wring- was it to protect the Ripper or to stop him from fighting? The boys reveal their identities for a reason- just because it was the easiest way of getting everybody out? Why did they need to show who they were then- if people knew they were alchemists, people knew they would help. Also- Mabel transformed the Ripper (at least that's what I'm getting) why? Always have motives behind actions. Otherwise everything just seems totally random and a little bit awkward.

Overall this was good- not as strong as your first chapter but it wasn't bad by any stretch of the imagination!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 10:42 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello!

I'm going to start with some specific comments as I read through and then aim to give my overall thoughts at the end.

Specifics

1. Great start: your first sentence is engaging and it makes me want to read on.

2. I'm not sure about the term 'Martial artists' - is that a real phrase? I don't know. It doesn't sound 'right' and it's breaking the flow of your writing. Maybe you could describe them as warriors or expert fighters or master swordsmen instead?

3.

Drool oozed from The Ripper’s mouth, he had claws the size of daggers, and his spine protruded about an inch out of his back.
This sentence doesn't flow quite as it should. I think you need a full stop after 'Ripper's mouth', or an and, otherwise it's a difficult transition from one body area to the next.

4.
In a matter of seconds he had already grown 6ft tall! [This is a little awkward. I'd suggest 'had grown to be 6ft tall' or 'had grown by x feet'.] I really hoped I knew what I was doing.


5. I like the scene with Mabel leaping in and there's a lot of great action and visuals, but then you have this long pause while he's helping her up and calling to his brother to come and join them in the cage. What is the Ripper doing at this time? I think he needs to have been injured to give him a reason to not be striking back immediately and what is the size of this cage? It's quite difficult to imagine - does it have a roof on it? We know the Ripper has grown to be 6ft tall so is his head nearly brushing the cage roof?

6.
We both turned our heads to look at Mable, who was in tears and her face, which had become red and puffy, had a self-reproachful expression on it. She backed up to the gate and slid to the ground.


7. I really don't understand what the Ripper is doing now! Have they closed the cage on him? I don't think they did but if you want them to have this long discussion, you need to have him locked up in the cage and them on the outside, or someone creating some kind of barrier etc. There needs to be a reason for him not attacking them.

8.
“Look, we just need you to confirm…things,” I sighed. “The Ripper, your boyfriend, is he using a Philosopher’s stone?”


9.
I clapped my hands and focused on the Chakra in my ring, then placed my hands on the cage and created a hole in its wire mesh frame work. Mable’s eyes went wide.
Be careful with your tenses!

Overall

Good stuff! I found this a fun read and there's some great action going on. You maybe need to add a little clarity in there: a few more descriptions so we know how big this cage is and what the Ripper is up to while your characters are discussing strategy, but I liked this. You have an easy, engaging style and while it's too early to know much, I found the characters to be interesting and likeable.

Keep it up!

Heather xx




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 10:29 am
Annapurna wrote a review...



Hi there! Just a quick review for you! :)

I really enjoyed reading this, I could follow the story well, even though I haven't read the first chapter. I think your characters were very interesting and well developed so well done! I could really picture the whole story in my head. :)

There were a couple of times were I felt a bit lost and didn't understand what the characters were taking about, however this may be because I haven't read chapter one.

There were few mistakes to correct, from what I could see your grammar was great paragraphing was almost perfect! There was one sentence near the beginning “This is my fault. Please, I have to do something.” she pleaded. - You need to start a new paragraph here because it's a new speaker.

Overall I think you have done a great job on this! :) Its gripping and consistent, so I look forward to reading more! :D

Keep writing,


*~Annapurna~*




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 10:12 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya Ray, I have returned for part 2!

I thought with this chapter was much better than the last in terms of getting straight to the point. Many of the sentences were short, snappy, and I think this was really effective. I liked what you've added to this story and it linked on well from the last part. The action escalated pretty well, and I learned a /bit/ more about the characters.

This I thought could be improved is I thought the action could have been a bit more. I might not be making sense right now. You've done the whole sentence length variation thing, which is great, however I think you maybe need just make it a bit more exciting. Use more frantic language I guess. I mean this guy is in the ring with a monster essentially, he should be more scared. And if he doesn't feel scared, then why not? I think there needs to be more of an emergency situation created.

Also, I did learn something more about the characters, however not enough! I'm not talking about descriptions here, it's more about interactions between different characters. Right now, I'm not feeling it's all there. Try making more interactions between the characters through dialogue and actions so we learn more about their relationship. Another thing is a few new characters were introduced without proper introductions which confused me quite a bit.

Overall, I thought this was a good addition to the story. I like your mix of using realistic and fantasy elements to make your story. I also noticed that with this chapter, there were less grammatical/spelling errors than the last one, so well done! I hope this review helped, PM me with the next part :)

Keep Writing!
-Arc x





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