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Her

by KittyBee


We are lifeless, and corpse-like
And I've earned my name
Detatching and crashing,
Colliding our planes

We're falling, and bagless
We're racing to the Earth
Soaring, and screaming--
Is all of this really worth--

A quick breath
Of freedom
Moments to be a heathen 
To burn in my truths or--
Or maybe just to soothe Her.

Her: The prounoun which halts me
Her every word which faults me

She exalts me, She caves me
She makes me swear I'm crazy 
She's no lady, screams "oh, baby"
Under the skin that she calls shady

I crave it, it's madness
Now I'm lost in the sadness

And we are lifeless
And priceless
And pennies couldn't pay

Money never could dream of
Being worth another day

To caress her, and hold her
To wipe away her pain
She; the demon
She; the lover
Who drove me here--

insane


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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Mon Jul 01, 2013 9:11 pm
writergirl15 wrote a review...



This isn't a typical rhyme here, because you are relying on voice and sound. Just one stanza doesn't flow without the rest so I like it because it is unique. I like it, though I am not quite sure who "she" is. Is she a metaphor?

Anyway, I think my favorite part

"So on, I crave it, it's madness
Now I'm lost in the sadness

And we are lifeless
And priceless
And pennies couldn't pay

Money never could dream of
Being worth another day"

"We're falling, and bagless
We're racing to the Earth
Soaring, and screaming--
Is all of this really worth--
----really nice, powerful MOVEMENT :)
A quick breath
Of freedom
Moments to be a heathen (words is breathy, nice)
To burn in my truths or--
Or maybe just to soothe Her."

Then you say her, only thing I think will help with the effect is using Bold for "her". Italics or even underline can help too though you can even using Bold and Italics Right now, it just looks to plain like that.

The tone is a little hyper, so I am not sure how to take it seriousley but I like it so whatever suits you.
Yep, no other critiques, it's nice, keep writing!




KittyBee says...


"She", or rather "Her" is the intimate combination of a companion and the narrator, not just one specific person.
Thanks for the recommendations, I plan to edit (and hopefully perfect) this piece whenever I feel up to it, and I'll make sure to take your suggestion into consideration.



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214 Reviews


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Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:30 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



Wow! This is amazing! I seriously can't see any errors or faults in this piece. Everything I wanted to say has been said by other users. I'm totally speechless. It's such a great poem!
''A quick breath of freedom''.
I love this phrase. For some reason, it struck a chord.
Beautiful work! Your poem has a graceful flow, and leaves a lasting impression on your reader. The ending is perfect! It's dramatic and abrupt. Great work, keep it up!




KittyBee says...


Haha, I'm happy you liked it. I try to make flow a big part of my writing.



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44 Reviews


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Wed Jun 26, 2013 4:49 pm
ivyLeonora wrote a review...



I really, really like this poem. It reminds me of a song I was listening to while reviewing this piece of text. It's called Youth by Daughter. It reminds me also of the novel I'm writing currently called Twisted. Hope you check it out. Anyway, my favorite stanza is
"To caress her, and hold her
To wipe away her pain
She; the demon
She; the lover
Who drove me here--

insane"
Because it finally tells us what HER is really about in one word. The stanzas before remind me of something that should be sung. It really captivates me and takes me into another state of mind, and that is what I love when I read. So very well done. I'm going to be reading a lot of your works
IvyLeonora




KittyBee says...


Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked the read.



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Tue Jun 25, 2013 4:57 pm
rishabh wrote a review...



in one line----" this is an excellent work." i loved the way in which you have framed everything. from top to bottom this poem exceptionally awesome.

now here's ur poem's grading ceremony:

most touchy lines in the poem:

"Colliding our planes"

"We're falling, and bagless
We're racing to the Earth"

most touchy stanza:

"To caress her, and hold her
To wipe away her pain
She; the demon
She; the lover
Who drove me here--insane"

keep it up!




KittyBee says...


Thank you for reviewing-- I'm glad you enjoyed it.



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Tue Jun 25, 2013 3:03 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello. Iggy here to deliver her 100th review! :)

And I've earned my named


Should be "name".

Soaring, and scraming--


I feel like you mean "Screaming" here.

To whipe away her pain


Should be "wipe".

Wow! This was excellent poem to read! I, myself, am no poet so I cannot help you with my poetic corrections, but I felt that this was fabulous and well written. The flow was constant, on track, and just beautifully written! Your rhymes were cute and threaded in to the poem. Excellent job! :)

~ Iggy.




KittyBee says...


Thank you for reviewing~
I already fixed the typos, as they were previously pointed out, but thank you for noting, anyway. Congrats on your 100th review!



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Tue Jun 25, 2013 2:49 am
aouther2b wrote a review...



Okay before I even start my review i have to say holy crap. This is brilliant! Okay now for the reiview.

What I liked:

1. The rhyme. I love what the rhyme did for your poem. It brought a smooth and easy flow. It was quick and faced paced, yet somehow calm, much like the falling you were describing.

2. The end. I loved how you ended it. I can't even find enough words to describe how much I loved it. So I will leave it with I loved it. Please don't even think of changing it.

3. The idea. Expressed through well thought out rhyme and imagery, your idea comes out loud and clear. To me it is fresh and unique. I loved it so much.

What I didn't like:

1. This line. "Soaring, and scraming--" I think you meant to say screaming, if not consider changing it to screaming because I don't even think scraming is a word.

Overall:
Like I said earlier, holy crap. This is a briliant piece and other than the one line I can find no faults. Great job and keep writing!




KittyBee says...


Thanks, actually did mean "screaming"-- it was just a typo. I corrected it though. Thank you for pointing it out :)



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Tue Jun 25, 2013 2:46 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi KittyBee! First off, a belated welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying the site.

Overall, I thought this was very good. There is an excellent rhythm in some places that makes it roll off the tongue when read out loud. I'm mostly going to point out some minor errors I think are typos.

And I've earned my named
Detatching and crashing,


Should it be name in the first line? Also, detaching is misspelled.

Soaring, and scraming--
Is all of this really worth--

A quick breath
Of freedom
Moments to be a heathen
To burn in my truths or--
Or maybe just to soothe Her.


Typo: Scraming should be screaming.

Now, this stanza is my least favorite. It doesn't have the rhythm that I see in later stanzas, plus it's a bit confusing. I think the "Moments to be a heathen" line is throwing me the most. You could maybe take it out, or work it in better. "Heathen moments" is more succinct, for example. I like "To burn in my truths" though.

So on, I crave it, it's madness
Now I'm lost in the sadness


I'm not sure what "So on" is referring to. Maybe something like "Her touch, I crave it..." would make more sense.

To whipe away her pain


One last typo, should be wipe.

She exalts me, She caves me
She makes me swear I'm crazy
She's no lady, screams "oh, baby"
Under the skin that she calls shady


To end on a good note, I thought this stanza had a really strong rhythm. I read it out loud and it flows really well.

Overall, there's some good stuff here, just needs some cleaning up. Good job, welcome again, and keep writing! :)




KittyBee says...


Thank you for the detailed review! I corrected the typos I felt necessary. The other parts you pointed out are from the exaggerated lingo differentiating the narrator from "she", so that's why it may be confusing. Thanks for the review, again!




Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain