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Young Writers Society



When All of Us Have Fallen--Chapter One

by Wherethewindgoes


The last light of the setting sun slips through the window pane, landing on the floor in a pattern of overlapping squares. I peer through the glass. Across the small courtyard is another window that looks into the room of one of the palace guards. He’s lying down now; as far as I can tell he’s a heavy sleeper, but I wait several minutes anyway, watching him.

By the time I get to my feet the sun has set; as much as I can see with the dim light suggests no movement in his room. I pull on all-black clothing and cover that with a cloak, the hood of which I put down to cover my face.

The window slides open easily, and I climb out into the cool night air, balancing on the sill. I reach up and grasp the edge of the roof with one hand, then swing myself out, grabbing the overhang with the other. I hang over empty space for a second, looking down at the courtyard far below. Once I steady myself, I let go with my right hand and reach up to grab the ridge, then do the same with my left. Now I have enough leverage to, with a grunt, heave myself over the edge and onto the roof, sharp pain searing my hands from the pressure of my grip. I let go and lie back for a second, staring up at the sky, where stars are just beginning to come out.

After a few minutes I rise and begin to make my way across the roof, the shingles sharp against my bare feet. From here I can see much of the city, dark except for the fires. There are hundreds burning on a cold March night like tonight.

I reach the edge of the roof. A few feet below is a balcony, so I jump down, landing in a crouch. The glass door looks in to another guard’s room; night has completely fallen now, so I can’t see in at all. I can only hope anyone inside is asleep.

I unwind a thick rope from around my waist and tie one end to the balcony railing. The other end I toss over the edge; after a moment I climb over the rail and slide down the rope, jumping the last few feet to land on the soft earth. I leave the rope, it being my only way back in save the front door, which would not be my method of choice, and begin to walk toward the edge of the city.

Here the ground is covered by pavement; all of the city was once paved, but now a lot is torn up or cracked. As I make my way through the city I stick to the back ways and alleys, keeping away from any houses with fires. Soon the inhabited houses become fewer and fewer, and then there’s the wall and before me is the Undeveloped Land.

I take my shoes from their pocket in my cloak and slip them on; there’s all kinds of glass and debris littering the streets out here. I quickly scale the wall; the stone it’s made of is decaying, leaving plenty of handholds.

When I jump down to the other side, I begin to walk. Out here, the houses were never fixed up after the Fall. Roofs have fallen in, walls have collapsed, broken beams jut out at odd angles. During the day you can see that most of the houses are burnt and blackened with soot. If you look in to some of them you can see bodies still intact enough to be recognizable.

And many of the buildings have simply crumbled to piles of rubble, with no indication that once, these were places where people spent their lives. Here the memories decay with the houses, and eventually there will be no trace of either.

I walk along these empty streets. They are torn up and filled with potholes, and debris is scattered along them, glass and wood and metal scraps, and a lot of bullet casings as well. For a while this is all that I do, pacing the streets, looking at much but seeing little, letting my mind wander to whatever whims it wishes. It is what I do every night; maybe it has a purpose, and maybe it doesn't, but I do it anyway.

My mind is so clear out here, in the cool night air, in a city of forgotten people.

Soon it is getting late, and I do have to sleep, so I begin to make my way back to the palace.

As I near the wall, I hear traces of far-off shouts. I begin to pick up my pace, curious. I scale the wall quickly, and take my same path back through the city, but quicker this time, with less caution. As I approach the palace, I see a large cluster of light in front of it. Torches. There is more shouting, and what sounds like the clash of metal.

I notice a group of three cloaked forms running toward me. I turn to find a hiding place, but they are too close. The one in front grabs my arm. “Come!” he hisses.

Moonlight catches his face, and I recognize him as one of the palace guards.

“What happened?” I ask. “What’s going on?”

“Your father’s been killed.”

“Wha—”

“The Shan are looking for you. We must flee.”

He says nothing more, just pulls me after him and the others into the dark night.


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1087 Reviews


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Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:34 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



Hey there, Wherethewindgoes, I'm here to review as requested! :) I'll start off with smaller nit-picks, and then give you my overall opinion with critiques and what not.

The last light of the setting sun slips through the window pane, landing on the floor in a pattern of overlapping squares.

Now this is really picky, but I think that the first sentence of a novel is really important in terms of grasping your reader's intention, and while this one certainly isn't bad, I think it could be a little better. I may be a bit biased because I don't like descriptive openings anyways, but hey, it's something to consider!

Soon the inhabited houses become fewer and fewer, and then there’s the wall and before me is the Undeveloped Land.

This sentence sounds a bit awkward to me, and I think it may be to do with the listing and the and's. Maybe reword it a little?

I walk along these empty streets. They are torn up and filled with potholes, and debris is scattered along them, glass and wood and metal scraps, and a lot of bullet casings as well.

On a similar note, the repetition of and in this sentence makes it sound sort of awkward

Overall


Right then, so overall I have to say that I think this is a pretty awesome opening chapter. It's a little short so a little less to sink my teeth into in terms of critiques, but I suppose that's a good thing on your part! I find your main character really intriguing and as I am really big on characterisation and character development, I really love that you've managed to create a character that captures my interest. I sort of feel like I know the character and to be able to achieve that in the first chapter is definitely worth a praise, so well done. Your grammar and punctuation is also generally very good, and so this was a piece that came across as professional, flowed well, and was easy to understand.

Now in terms of critiques, one thing I want to briefly mention is that I noticed you using quite a lot of commas throughout this. There's nothing wrong with commas, they're extremely handy at times, but I think you do maybe need to be careful not to overdo it on them. With too many commas, a piece can become weighed down by them, and they can lead to a sentence sounding a little disjointed and awkward. I have to be honest though and say that commas are very, very tricky little buggers, and I can't genuinely say that I know exactly how to use them. I think that a lot of the time they're sort of up to interpretation, but what I will suggest is that you maybe cut out a few here and there if they're not 100% necessary.

What I'm about to say next is more of a suggestion than a critique, so don't feel like you have to do it or anything. Basically, I'm a little tempted to suggest for you to turn this into a prologue because I think it has a lot of the characteristics of a prologue. It's pretty short, there's a lot of mystery in it, it feels a bit like some sort of introduction, your main character is anonymous e.t.c. I obviously don't know what the next chapter involves, and if it's a very direct follow up of this one then this maybe wouldn't be suited so much as a prologue. If you do end up keeping this as a chapter, what I will say is that you could maybe consider making it longer because as it stands, I think there is some room to perhaps elongate this a bit. In the end though, it's up to you of course.

With regards to content, I only really have one thing to mention, and that's the ending. I love the twist, and I really like how you imply that the action is going to kick off very soon, but I can't help feeling that it was a little abrupt and random. All of a sudden, the main character is whisked off in a frenzied panic and told that his father's been killed. I suppose this is a critique based on pacing in a way, and I don't necessarily think the problem is what actually happened in the ending, but how sudden it was compared to the otherwise pretty slow pace of the rest of the chapter. Err... if that makes sense. If you can, I'd suggest spreading out the ending a bit more so that it's still a good, shocking twist, but just less abrupt.

Something else I'm tempted to suggest is that you possibly miss out the revelation of your main character's father being killed, and just show them all in a panicked rush instead. That way, we readers will be freaking out wondering what the big deal is. When we do then find out in the next chapter or whatever then, we'll be very eager to read in to find out how it all happened and what not. That one is completely up to you though because revealing it in this chapter hardly weakens your novel, so don't stress over it or anything.

And I think that's it! If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate by letting me know whichever way you want. Post on my wall, send me a PM, reply in this thread, whatever suits you best. :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Fri Jun 21, 2013 5:39 am
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Smilykid wrote a review...



This chapter is a very engaging read. From the very beginning I could tell by the way the character was sneaking around that something was amiss in this setting. Your writing is very fluid and it leads very well from thought to thought.

I like how you hook the reader with the proper nouns like the Fall. That clues the reader in that this is important and that they should keep reading to learn more about it. I think you have a great story on your hands and I can't wait to see how it develops!




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39 Reviews


Points: 1014
Reviews: 39

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Fri Jun 21, 2013 5:38 am
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Smilykid wrote a review...



This chapter is a very engaging read. From the very beginning I could tell by the way the character was sneaking around that something was amiss in this setting. Your writing is very fluid and it leads very well from thought to thought.

I like how you hook the reader with the proper nouns like the Fall. That clues the reader in that this is important and that they should keep reading to learn more about it. I think you have a great story on your hands and I can't wait to see how it develops!





The idea that a poem was a made thing stayed with me, and I decided then that I wanted to be an artist, not just a diarist. So I put myself through a kind of apprenticeship in writing poetry, and I understood even then that my practice as a poet was deeply related to my reading.
— Edward Hirsch