Hey there, Wherethewindgoes, I'm here to review as requested! I'll start off with smaller nit-picks, and then give you my overall opinion with critiques and what not.
The last light of the setting sun slips through the window pane, landing on the floor in a pattern of overlapping squares.
Now this is really picky, but I think that the first sentence of a novel is really important in terms of grasping your reader's intention, and while this one certainly isn't bad, I think it could be a little better. I may be a bit biased because I don't like descriptive openings anyways, but hey, it's something to consider!
Soon the inhabited houses become fewer and fewer, and then there’s the wall and before me is the Undeveloped Land.
This sentence sounds a bit awkward to me, and I think it may be to do with the listing and the and's. Maybe reword it a little?
I walk along these empty streets. They are torn up and filled with potholes, and debris is scattered along them, glass and wood and metal scraps, and a lot of bullet casings as well.
On a similar note, the repetition of and in this sentence makes it sound sort of awkward
Right then, so overall I have to say that I think this is a pretty awesome opening chapter. It's a little short so a little less to sink my teeth into in terms of critiques, but I suppose that's a good thing on your part! I find your main character really intriguing and as I am really big on characterisation and character development, I really love that you've managed to create a character that captures my interest. I sort of feel like I know the character and to be able to achieve that in the first chapter is definitely worth a praise, so well done. Your grammar and punctuation is also generally very good, and so this was a piece that came across as professional, flowed well, and was easy to understand.
Now in terms of critiques, one thing I want to briefly mention is that I noticed you using quite a lot of commas throughout this. There's nothing wrong with commas, they're extremely handy at times, but I think you do maybe need to be careful not to overdo it on them. With too many commas, a piece can become weighed down by them, and they can lead to a sentence sounding a little disjointed and awkward. I have to be honest though and say that commas are very, very tricky little buggers, and I can't genuinely say that I know exactly how to use them. I think that a lot of the time they're sort of up to interpretation, but what I will suggest is that you maybe cut out a few here and there if they're not 100% necessary.
What I'm about to say next is more of a suggestion than a critique, so don't feel like you have to do it or anything. Basically, I'm a little tempted to suggest for you to turn this into a prologue because I think it has a lot of the characteristics of a prologue. It's pretty short, there's a lot of mystery in it, it feels a bit like some sort of introduction, your main character is anonymous e.t.c. I obviously don't know what the next chapter involves, and if it's a very direct follow up of this one then this maybe wouldn't be suited so much as a prologue. If you do end up keeping this as a chapter, what I will say is that you could maybe consider making it longer because as it stands, I think there is some room to perhaps elongate this a bit. In the end though, it's up to you of course.
With regards to content, I only really have one thing to mention, and that's the ending. I love the twist, and I really like how you imply that the action is going to kick off very soon, but I can't help feeling that it was a little abrupt and random. All of a sudden, the main character is whisked off in a frenzied panic and told that his father's been killed. I suppose this is a critique based on pacing in a way, and I don't necessarily think the problem is what actually happened in the ending, but how sudden it was compared to the otherwise pretty slow pace of the rest of the chapter. Err... if that makes sense. If you can, I'd suggest spreading out the ending a bit more so that it's still a good, shocking twist, but just less abrupt.
Something else I'm tempted to suggest is that you possibly miss out the revelation of your main character's father being killed, and just show them all in a panicked rush instead. That way, we readers will be freaking out wondering what the big deal is. When we do then find out in the next chapter or whatever then, we'll be very eager to read in to find out how it all happened and what not. That one is completely up to you though because revealing it in this chapter hardly weakens your novel, so don't stress over it or anything.
And I think that's it! If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate by letting me know whichever way you want. Post on my wall, send me a PM, reply in this thread, whatever suits you best.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
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