Hello. Sorry for taking so long.
I have not read previous chapters.
Firstly, your dialogue punctuation is incorrect. This has already been pointed out, but some examples for you:
"What! What the heck. God damn, man. I don't believe this news. I'm not going to leave Henry and he'll be fired for sure." cried Robinson.
That period after "sure" should be a comma.
"We're going to the mental hospital right now. Officer Rohan and Officer Raju, make my vehicle ready. Now go... why are you standing here?" Said Robinson when saw the officers faces with surprise.
That "said" should be in lowercase.
this article goes into more detail on dialogue punctuation. I'd suggest you read it, because you are making a large myriad of errors.
Secondly, your dialogue itself sounds very stilted and infodumpy. By that I mean it doesn't actually sound like a person speaking. People do not speak to simply provide information; instead, they speak to get their point across. It's a subtle difference, but basically it boils down to people don't speak without their own agendas. You have to figure out what that person wants in any given conversation.
Also, people don't speak with proper grammar or in full sentences. They speak in fragments, in run-ons, and the information within dialogue can be a complete and utter mess. Listen to the meandering conversations of people around you to see what I mean.
This article goes into more information.
And thirdly. The actual way you're showing events.
As confetti pointed out under me, you're creating a very fast pace. This is done a few ways:
1- You're telling us about people instead of showing us.
2- You've got a very distant narrator.
3- You're not taking the time to build up a connection between reader and character.
Let's take those one at a time.
"Telling" is a line like: "Robinson was a high and short tempered person. He could not tolerate the news that the officer just delivered."
You're giving us information about the character without really showing us that he's got a short tempered. Instead of telling us, you should instead have him snap at everything. Show us how angry he is. Give us his body language. Body language always trumps when trying to describe a character's emotions. Showing us a flushed face, a rigid neck, hands tightly fisted at the person's sides. That is how you show emotions.
When I talk about a distant narrator, I mean that I don't feel like I'm seeing the world from any one point of view. Sticking to one person to tell the story through, and colouring everything in the prose based on how they see the world, makes for a much stronger character and connection.
You do this by asking yourself, "How would they see the events happening?"
This helps with the third point I mentioned, which involves building a connection with the character. By showing us how any given character sees the events unfolding, we feel a connection to the person telling the story. It shows us their emotions, making the story a person's story instead of a collection of events.
The feeling it's a collection of events isn't helped by how you're going from one event to another at a very fast pace. As outlined here, slowing down and showing us character interactions is important. It takes a lot of effort to write a good story with lots of character interactions but it is worth it.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
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