Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
ONE
The car had crashed less than a minute earlier, slamming into the concrete barrier head-on. The bonnet had been crushed and someone had flown out of the windscreen, cracking their spine on a lamp post. They lay still, the only movement the irregular fluttering of their chest as they struggled to breathe. Inside the car, a woman slumped in the driver’s seat. Her head rested against the steering wheel and her hair drooped over her face, hiding any wounds.
Seth had watched it happen impassively. Things worse than this were not uncommon these days. Though the roads were empty, people had a tendency to panic, wanting to put as much distance as possible between themselves and whatever was chasing them. They’d speed, and when they reached a turn they couldn’t make, they’d die. Cars had probably killed more people than the lunatics, he thought.
Cautiously, Seth approached the wreckage. There could be something useful in there. Food, weapons. But whatever had chased them into this barrier, lunatic or Twisted, couldn’t be too far behind. More would be coming soon, too. The crash had made a lot of noise. Any scavenger worth their salt would be stirred by the sound like a shark was stirred by the smell of blood. He was confident, however, that he could outrun whatever was after them if it came to it. He couldn’t hear any more vehicles, and his athletics training had come in handy before.
A sudden sound caught his attention. Laughter and whooping from a side street, the one the car had come from. Cursing, Seth vaulted a barrier, crouching behind it. He watched through a gap in the concrete as a group of men emerged, jogging towards the wreckage. He counted them. There were about six. He cursed again, silently, as he noticed the assault rifle that one of them clutched to their chest. A kalashnikov. Where the hell did they get that? They weren’t military. He scanned the rest of them. They all held unconventional weaponry. Baseball bats, golf clubs. A machete.
Lunatics.
He watched them as they surrounded the car. One of them smashed the window on the boot and began to rifle through it. The rest took up positions around the car, peering in the windows. One of them reached in and opened the driver’s door, pulling the unconscious woman out. Another noticed the paralyzed man on the other side of the barrier, hooting with glee. He shouted something, and the one holding the machete jumped the barrier. The others watched gleefully.
Seth looked away, focusing on the man looking through the boot. He had managed to open it fully now, and was pulling out boxes of juice. He kicked one, as if it was worthless. Seth flinched. Fruit juice was almost as valuable as water.
Movement from the woman caught his eye. She rolled over onto her back and tried to sit up, rubbing her head. Kalashnikov heard her, looking away from Machete, who was happily hacking away, every strike painting red arcs in the air. He said something, striding towards her. She noticed him and rolled over again, trying to break into a run, but he stepped on her back and slammed the butt of his rifle into her head. She slumped again. He shouted something to the man looking through the boot, who held up his hands apologetically.
More lunatics were emerging now, approaching the wreck slowly. Seth’s eyes widened. There must have been dozens of them. It was the largest group of lunatics he’d ever seen. The chasers stopped what they were doing and welcomed them. Even Machete stopped dismembering his toy and joined in.
He needed to leave. Now. They’d search this entire area, and then they’d set up ambushes for any more scavengers. If he stayed, they’d find him. Then he’d be done for.
Slowly, he began to inch his way along the barrier, listening for any signs of them noticing him. They were still talking amongst themselves. Shouting now. Two of them seemed to be fighting, cursing and slashing at each other. He heard their weapons crack together.
When he reached the edge of the barrier, he looked around tentatively. They were focused on the fight. Machete had joined in, howling like an animal. He scanned the street for any avenues of escape. The road was totally empty, but he spotted an open door to a building with boarded up windows. If he made it in there, he could reach the rooftops, and if he could block the door it’d buy him some time. He’d have to make a run for it, though.
Running one thing he could do well. He just hoped Kalashnikov hadn’t used that weapon before.
He looked back at the lunatics. He could no longer see the fight, as they had crowded around it too densely. It was now or never.
Breaking cover, he ran.
He made it about ten meters before the first lunatic noticed him. The lunatics gave chase, but Seth didn’t look back to see how many of them were following him. He could outrun them, however many there were.
“Out of the way, out of the way!” Came a shout. Knowing what was coming, Seth threw himself to the ground, and the first few shots whistled over him. The gunfire stopped. Seth launched into a sprint again.
“Shoot him!” He heard someone roar angrily.
“It’s fucking jammed!” Came the reply. “Shitty ammo!”
“Learn how to use that thing, you dick!”
The doorway was a few meters in front of him. Launching himself through, Seth slammed the door behind him, sliding the locks into place. Allowing himself a few seconds to catch his breath, he jumped as something slammed into the door. Laughing, he listened to the confusion outside.
Then a fire axe bit into the boards over the window, and he began to run again.
He reached the second floor before he heard the lunatics break in. The next flight of stairs was blocked, so he barged into a side room, closing and blocking the door behind him with a sofa. He heard a window smash near him.
Machete hauled himself over the windowsill, clutching his blade between his teeth. Seth stumbled back.
“How did you-?” He stammered.
“I climbed.” Machete said plainly. He held the blade in his hand now. The two stared at each other for a second before Machete darted forwards, screaming a war cry.
Seth dodged the first strike, ducking to the side. He slammed his fist into Machete’s stomach as he attempted to lunge into a second attack, but it simply thumped against solid muscle. Barely managing to evade the second blow, Seth stepped back a few paces, putting a bit of distance between himself and Machete, who jumped forwards again.
This time, Seth charged under the blow, tackling Machete. The pair fell to the ground, grappling. Seth managed to straddle his opponent, holding his arms on the ground with his knees, and struck him twice hard in the face. Machete spat blood and wrenched one of his arms free, slamming the hilt of the blade into Seth’s face. He rolled off of him, yelling sharply in pain.
Seth stood and backed up against the wall, searching for a weapon. His hand closed around a broomstick. By now, Machete was on his feet, charging forwards again. He jabbed him in the stomach with the stick, doubling him over, then hit his temple. Machete pitched to the side, unconscious.
Rubbing his jaw, Seth rested against the wall. He could hear the lunatics trying to force their way through the door. The sound suddenly stopped. Then a much louder sound deafened him as the door was perforated with gunfire. Kalashnikov had unjammed his weapon, then.
Noticing a fire escape on the side of the adjacent building, Seth smashed the window with the broomstick. He had no choice. He took a run-up, leaping for it, just managing to grab onto the railing. Inadvertently, he looked down. It was a sheer drop to the concrete below. A drop from this high would break his legs. He balked and then, with great effort, hauled himself onto the fire escape.
The door burst open in the room behind him. Looking back, he saw a lunatic try to jump to the fire escape. The lunatic managed to catch the railing, but his grip slipped and he fell. There was a sickening sound as he impacted the floor below, then he began to wail in pain.
Seth ran up the fire escape as Kalashnikov opened fire. He felt a sharp pain in his leg as a shard of brick found his thigh, but then he was out of the line of fire. Kalashnikov shouted for someone to follow him, but it seemed like nobody felt like attempting the jump.
Stumbling up the fire escape, Seth paused to regain his composure. That had been far too close. He was safe now, but he knew the lunatics would try to find him until he left the area. Not for a while though. One he reached the top, he walked awkwardly across the roof, slumping down against a brick wall.
The wound in his thigh wasn’t deep, but it was wide. He took his backpack off, rifling through it until he found what he was looking for; disinfectant and bandages. He winced as he applied the disinfectant, then wound the bandages tight around his leg. He watched as blood blossomed on the bandages like a flower.
It would be awhile before he could risk anything like that again.End of chapter
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wow man. This story is intense. Like someone said before I think, it'll be nice to soon figure out what made them this way and why Seth hasn't turned nutso like the majority. Also, Twisted? I wonder what they are like, are they like the Lunatics but more sickly or disgusting in appearance. Makes sense to me maybe. I'm not good with editing so I have no grammar response for you of course.
Anyways, I loved the fight scene between Seth and Machete. That was a close call I suppose. Makes me wonder if Seth has any other kind of training as well.
Good write, I'll be checking chapter 2 in a few seconds.
Holy Hitchcock, this is quite thrilling indeed.
First off, one question. Are you British? Sorry, I'm curious. And my British friend is the only person I know who calls it a "boot" (I call it a trunk). You don't have to answer, sorry if I'm weird.
Anyway, about your story. Wow. You have a good handle on some action stuff. Sadistic crazy people are one of the scariest things this world has to offer. Oh, lawd. The whole thing with the lunatics is great for a number of reasons. Mostly because they are terrifying. Also because you get the "nameless henchmen effect," where you can kill as many of them as you want and there are still more. Great for battle scenes.
It's a great intro. I'm looking forward to learning about Seth's character and what on earth is happening in this creepy world. Also I can't wait to find out what a Twist is, and why the lunatics are... Well, lunatics.
Keep writing, sir! Or ma'am. I shall just call you "sir" either way, sir. Goodbye.
Yes I am indeed British, and a sir. Thanks!
Hey, so I thoroughly enjoyed this piece here.
Firstly, you described the car crash very well; the casualties and repercussions of said incident were worded very well, and incredibly realistically. I could visualise the whole thing clearly in my head, which is a very good sign, to say the least. A great opening that hooks you and keeps you hooked.
Something else that's tremendously easy to visualise is your action. The fight scenes were clear, and brutal. I've read a lot of man-on-man fights that are just downright messy, but you make sure that every move taken is spelled out for the reader to picture, and that can be very hard to do.
A lot happens in this chapter, which I love. It sets a tone of violence and despair, with promises of further action in the story. The atmosphere is very rich, and I'm already liking Seth. He comes off as brave and resourceful, likable traits in a setting like this.
A couple of minor things:
I feel like both should be capitalised, if the other is. If these are two classes of enemy we're gonna meet in the story, and these are their 'official' titles, they should both have capitals, for consistency if nothing else.
Maybe replace 'gleefully' with something different. Very picky, I know, but sometimes it feels off to repeat an adverb the next line.
Overall I adored this piece, it was a thrill to read. Keep writing more and I'll try to review more!
Also, I really hope the quote formatting is still the same, else it may look a tad silly.
Word up, Sandvich.
This is like a movie, but with words making pictures instead of pictures. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but this whole chapter has a cinematic tone/feel to it.
"They all held unconventional weaponry. Baseball bats, golf clubs. A machete.
Lunatics."
^ That, for example. Its almost as if I can see a film of it happening.
Naming the Lunatics Machete and Kalashnikov also fits with this tone, because if it were a movie that would be all you had to identify them by. Great, solid action and descriptions. I love the setting: despite no grand scale being given I can see one in my head. Someone once gave me writing advice: 'Show, not tell.' You do that well in this, really damn well.
Looking forward to chapter 2.
Stay Classy!
Yo Sandvichhhhhh! I was browsing the green room, saw your name, and figured I'd come review this for you
I think this is a great opening line, so well done!
This is really picky, but this sentence sort of sounds a little awkward to me for some reason. I think it's the the only movement the irregular... part, so maybe you could consider rewording a few things
Again, picky, but it's technically impossible for Seth to have cursed in a silent manner. That basically means he didn't curse at all... Maybe change it to him cursing under his breath, or cursing in his head or something
I think you mean Running was one thing he could do well.
You don't need to capitalise the c in came
You don't need to capitalise the h in he
Again, no need to capitalise came
He doesn't need to be capitalised
You need a comma at the end of this dialogue
On wound sound better as onto here I think
Awhile needs to be a while as you're using it in the context of a noun
So this was really pretty great. I was a little hesitant at first before reading this, I must admit, as I'm not really a fan of action/adventure stories. Nonetheless I was very pleasantly surprised with this because I think it's a unique idea that could go plenty of places and is brimming with potential. Seth seems like an interesting character, and I'm looking forward to seeing how he develops throughout this novel. In terms of the technical side of your writing, it was generally very good. You vary your vocabulary well and you don't have any major grammatical errors, so an awesome job overall really
Now as for critiques, I'm going to echo something Ignorance said. I want more details and background! While I love a story that jumps straight into the action, when it's a story like this that's set in a world unfamiliar to ours, it's really difficult for us readers to really understand all that's going on and to really connect to the story properly. Without the story giving much background detail on top of that, it can all get a bit confusing and overwhelming.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to know Seth's full name, age, height, weight, shoe size, hairstyle, eye colour, lip plumpness, and nostril size... that would be creepy, but I'd like to know something more about him. Is his family dead? Did he even have any in the first place? Why was he wandering the streets at the beginning of the chapter? Then when it comes to this unfamiliar world, how it all started would be a good place to begin. I don't want every single detail right here right now in this chapter, I want you to sprinkle it throughout the chapters, but I do want some--just enough to make us readers feel more aware of this world and Seth's life.
I also have some technical, grammarish things to mention and suggest, the first one being short sentences. You use these once or twice, but I think you should really take advantage of them to create a sense of shock and tension in vital areas to boost impact ven further. Take the scene where the gun guy shoots the car crash woman. I think the use of short sentences could be brilliant there to create a sense of shock because that way, you can suggest how normal this is considered, especially in Seth's mind by using short sentences to create a sense of simplicity. If I remember correctly, you describe the woman getting shot in one long sentence involving several commas... Instead, I think maximum impact could be created if you literally just said, He shot her in the head. Something like that anyway.
Something else I want to mention is the fight scene, and generally speaking, it was actually pretty good. Far better than any fight scenes I've ever written anyway (I am disgustingly bad at them, I can't even... ergh). My only issue was that it could get a bit confusing at times in terms of who was doing what because both were men, and so sometimes using he made it difficult to decipher who was, in fact, doing what. If I were you I would try and use both men's names as often as possible to avoid this confusion, obviously not too much because it will end up sounding awkward, but often enough to make the fight as clear as possible.
Thinking about it, I noticed this in the rest of the chapter actually: you didn't actually use Seth's name an awful lot. Other than the fight I wasn't confused to as of who was doing what at any point, but I do think that you should maybe refer to Seth as Seth a little more often in general, primarily because this is the first chapter and you want to make sure your reader knows your main character's name by the end of the first chapter. A good way to do that is to use it when you can.
And finally! The only other thing I want to briefly bring up is dialogue punctuation, one area you did slip up a bit occasionally. If the dialogue tag is a direct description of the dialogue itself (Seth said, Seth stammered, Seth cried e.t.c.) then a comma is needed after the dialogue. There are also other occasions you need to use commas and while I know what I want to say and while I know what is wrong and what is right, I really can't explain and describe it... I am so bad at this. I'll just leave you with an article that can explain it 1,000,000 times better than me: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu ... -dialogue/ Basically, unless the dialogue tag has nothing to do with the person saying what it is they're saying i.e. a body movement, you use a comma.
Aaaaaaand I think that's it. Critiques aside, I think this is a really awesome opening chapter of a novel that has buckets of potential. I really look forward to where you take this, and I hope I've somewhat helped here with this review!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Impressive!
For your first serious work, this piece reads like the hand of a seasoned writer. I really thought I was reading a Stephen King novel. Pace and action are your strong suits. You really know how to hook in the reader. Safe for the shaky start I loved reading every bit of this thrill ride.
I can't wait for you to expand on this story and reveal more details about Seth's past and current predicament. I must say again your pace is your strong suit. I would love to co author a story with you.
Well done. I am jealous.
Hello. Iggy here to review.


This is a really good concept you have going! I love dystopian stories. It started off rather well, with immediate action, a car crash and these "lunatics" coming to investigate. About that, so far, the only real lunatic seems to be Machete man. He's the one that grabbed up the paralyzed man and started to hack him up, the others only seemed interested in the loot. I do hope that we'll be seeing more psychotic loonies later.
There seems to be a deep backstory to all of this. For instance, why is Seth alone? Why are these lunatics on a rampage? What happened to civilization? I'm hungering for details here. I suggest you take it slow, step by step. A little bit of history, some explaining, here and there in each chapter. Keep us absorbed in to your story. We're anxious to know, but we can wait; we certainly don't want it all at once.
Looks like you know your guns. I was sitting here, thinking, "What's a Kalashnikov? It sounds Russian!" Haha, that's not a problem at all. In fact, keep it up, just kinda hint somewhere in that paragraph that the big word happens to be a gun, or a knife, or etc.
I'd say you've done well so far. Haven't found any grammar mistakes, or any nitpicks. Just anxious for some background information. Keep me notified on new chapters?
Think that's all. Cheers!
~ Iggy.