Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

We are surrounded. The little are everywhere clawing at the walls instinctively as the sounds of a morning family and smell of blood announce our location. The cool tin of the shed quivers with each mindless shove of the lost ones. Our only light streams through a rusted out hole in the roof, illuminating the rust colored blood pooling on the floor. The shed is empty besides my recently broken family and the weight of the world. My new born son is cradled in my 16 year old daughter, Margret’s, quivering arms. Her tears of grieving roll down her porcelain like cheeks and cascade onto the red blotchy skin of the screaming infant. Her mother, the love of my life, had just passed away from blood loss while giving birth to our son. In moments she will become one of the undead just like all the others who pass now days. That’s about right, a life for a life.

My pistol is tucked into the waistband of my worn bloody jeans but I can’t bring myself to prepare it for the deed that now must be done. Margret notices, like she has since the day this all started, and she gently hands over the child and removes the gun from its makeshift holster. She is brave, strong, and the glue that keeps me from breaking into a thousand pieces. She cocks back the hammer and sits cross legged in the corner of the shed, waiting. It pains me to look at her now. Her raven black hair and pristine blue eyes are a perfect reflection of her mothers. Sara was the air I breathed and now that she is gone I have the urgent feeling of drowning in my own tears.

Lost in my thoughts I don’t notice her fingers twitching as the disease reactivates her nervous system, but as she rises I glare at myself perfectly reflected in the silver eyes of the monster that now inhabits my wife’s body. She reaches out for me in hunger and I long to reach back imagining a final embrace before she is forever gone, but before I get the opportunity Margret has pulled the trigger splattering brain matter across the eastern wall of the shed and echoing a brain numbing bang into the trees. Sara’s body collapsed with a wet thud and that was when it really hit Margret of what had just occurred. Her screams are audibled for miles.

Wow I'm a big fan of zombie books!!! It's not to long and it has a great plot with lots of word variety it has a mysterious ending that keeps readers wanting more and more!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am looking forward to the rest of the series and ill keep watching for the rest of them you are a great writer with a lot of talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, boy! Everybody loves a good zombie tale! Here are some things I noticed and stuff.
Like another reviewer mentioned, the biggest problem with zombie stories is making them your own. Right now, it's a little early to judge originality, but I think your best bet of keeping it new will be a twist in the way the disease works. Your bit about the silver eyes provides a good little window into that.
Your writing style is also pretty great. I like that there's still gore but it isn't gratuitous. That's actually kind of nice. I like the characters you've made and I'm really curious on how you're going to continue it with a different character each chapter. Good idea with that. The brevity of this chapter was also excellent; zombie stories are hard to read if they're long-winded, but there was no dragging in this piece. It was like a bloody, sad little kick in the face. Wow.
You did have a plethora of grammar and punctuation errors, but a quick read-through will fix that.
A thing you will want to think about is how the plot will move forward. The story won't keep moving if it doesn't have a larger Plot involving each individual. That leaves room for something really cool, especially if all the characters don't know each other but are still connected somehow.
Goooooooooood joooooooooob! You keep at it, you crazy thing, you!

Hello! I'm Payne, and I shall be reviewing your chapter today.

First off, I think it's good that you're attacking the concept from this angle of a family with a newborn baby. The zombie/undead genre has really become popular lately, so the key is to come up with something fairly original in your story.

There wasn't really much to this story; you have a good hook (grim though it is), but there's not really much meat to it; right now you have framework (or skeleton) of the chapter. Try adding some descriptions of the setting: is it dark in the shed? If not, what's the lighting? Is it warm? Cold? Cramped? You don't have to include all of those things, just a few details to solidify the reader in the story.
Also, this chapter was fairly short, but I would recommend breaking it up into paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read. As far as grammar, there were a few sentences that read awkwardly because they were so long. Try reading your chapter out loud, and if any of the lines trip you up, then there's a good chance your reader will notice it too.

Her mother, the love of my life, had just passed away from blood loss while conceiving our son. #0000FF ">[Conception is the act of baby-making, not the act of giving birth. Consider using "giving birth to" or "delivering".]

Sara was the air I breathed and now that she was gone I had the urgent feeling of drowning in my own tears. #0000FF ">[At this point, you switch from present-tense to past-tense. I.e "it pains me" is present-tense, and "Her screams could be heard for miles is" past-tense. I would recommend choosing one style and sticking with it throughout the narrative. ]

You had my attention from the words "Zombie Apocalypse" in the description and you kept my attention through the whole piece. I've got to say, for a chapter it is a little short, but if you broke it into paragraphs it might seem a little longer too. So, I have a few suggestions:

Rather than saying "Margaret is 16... " you could combine the sentence before and say "I can see Margaret, my sixteen year old daughter quivering as she holds my newborn son." because it's always more engaging to eliminate as many of the word "is" as you can. Your character descriptions are absolutley spot on as far as details though. I especially like the description of the wife: "the silver eyes of the monster".

Overall, this was action packed and you put a little twist on the traditional "zombie apocalypse" literature by adding the family and newborn child. And you do a good job balancing the 'gore' and action with the realism, fear, and love so far. Let me know if you post the secound chapter, because I will definently read it. Great job!

Best wishes in all your writing,
~alliyah~