Young Writers Society

Hey there, violetbutterfly, I was browsing the Green Room when I came across this so I thought I better come and review it

The sun rose up in the east, morning was here.

This sounds a bit awkward at the moment, I think you should put an and between the comma and morning.

I was supposed to go meet my mother the one who left me when I was five.

You need a colon [:] after mother

Maybe one day she could be my mother but right now all I know is she isn't.

The rest of this is written in past tense, but you have present tense here. It should be something like this, Maybe one day she could have been my mother, but all I knew was that she wasn't right now.

I got up brushed my hair and teeth.

Because you're listing here, you need commas. It should be [/i]I got up, brushed my hair and teeth.[/i]

To nervous to eat breakfast I went to my beat up car. God I got to get the dam thing fix or just a new one whatever. Driving up to the address she sent me in a letter a week ago.

You have some awkward phrasing and spelling mistakes here. It should look like this: Too nervous to eat breakfast I went to my beat up car. God, I had to get that damn thing fixed, or just a new one or whatever. I drove up to the address she sent me in a letter a week ago.

When I got the letter my aunt was with me and she was astonished that her sister had written me because she had act like she drop off the face off the plant. What my aunt had told me about my her sister...

Again, you've got some awkward phrasing and mistakes here. It should be When I got the letter my aunt was with me and she was astonished that her sister had written to me because she had acted like she'd dropped off the face of the planet. What my aunt had told me about my sister her sister...

I have dreamed of my mother every-since. Had asked about my dad but my aunt didn’t know anything. So that’s all I know about my parents mom left, dad non-existent. This why I am gong to see the women who had said, “ I need you to watch her awhile”.

This should be I had dreamed of my mother ever since, and had asked about my dad but my aunt didn't know anything. So that's all I knew about my parents: my mom left, and dad non-existent. That was why I was going to see the woman who had said, "I need you to watch her for a while."

I sat in my car for 5 minutes consider whether to leave or to do go inside. I chose the latter. Got out of the car checked the address for the billionth time and walked in. Then it dawned on my I have no clue what she looked like. I couldn’t remember what she looked like only vague fragments like the lighting in our old house or the smell of her.

I sat in my car for five minutes to consider whether to leave or to go inside. I chose the latter. I got out of ht ecar, checked the address for the billionth time, and walked in. Then it dawned on me that I had no clue what she looked like. I couldn't remember what she looked like, only vague fragments like the lighting in our old house or the smell of her.

I wore the dam thing everywhere a constant reminder that she had left me. But it was my only connection to her and that’s why I wore it.

I wore the damn thing everywhere as a constant reminder that she had left me, but it was my only connection to her, and that was why I wore it.

But just as I was turning to leave. A woman walked in and stared strait at me and the first thing I noticed was a feather in front of a round ball maybe the sun on her neck. She opened her mouth and said “I didn’t think you would come, I thought my sister would told you not to, but maybe I was wrong.”

But just as I was turning to leave a woman walked in and started straight at me, and the first thing I noticed was a feather in front of a round ball, maybe the sun, on her neck.

I gave her a once over, she had chestnut hair like mine, she was tall about 5.8, and her eyes were blue as blue the clear ocean and her pail skin compared to my tanned beach look was the only difference I could see. She was so beautiful at least, was in her early 30’s.

[i]I gave her a once over. She had chestnut hair like mine, she was about 5.8 feet tall, and her eyes were blue: as blue as the clear ocean. Her pale skin compared to my tanned beach look was the only difference I could see. She was so beautiful at least, and was in her early 30's.

She looked at me and said, “That’s not a nice way to talk to your mother...

She looked at me and said, "that's not a nice way to talk to your mother..."

My mom took her seat a cross from me. And stirring her iced tea said “So you probably want to know why I came back and wrote you so I will start there.”

[i]My mom took her seat across from me, and stirring her iced tea, said, "so you probably want to know why I came back and wrote to you, so I will start there."

“Well first, I wrote you because I need help.”

"Well first, I wrote to you because I need help."

What the, “Why my help, because A. I don’t know you B. I don’t think you know me, actually you don’t know me C. why the hell would I help the women who dumped with her sister.”

What the? "Why my help because A: I don't know you, B: I don't think you know me, actually you don't know me, and C: why the hell would I help the woman who dumped me with her sister?"

She looked at me, just looked at “What you don’t think I am right? Because for sure in hell I am right.”

She looked at me, just looked at me. "What, you don't think I am right? Because for sure in hell, I am right." Also, is this part of your main character's/narrator's dialogue? Because if it is, then it needs to be in the same paragraph as the dialogue above.

“What the, What about the mind changing news.”

What the? What about the mind changing news?"

God, this women is crazy but apparently she’s my mother. First coming out of the blue after 12 fucking years, she suspects me to help her, the one who left me. She thinks she can just do this; well she is so wrong I don’t even now her. The only person I know and trust is the one my own mother dumped me with. How does my mother think I will help her?

God, this woman was crazy, but apparently she was my mother. First coming out of the blue after 12 fucking years, she suspected me to help her, the one who left me. She thought she could do this; well she was so wrong, I didn't even know her. The only person I knew and trusted was the one my own mother dumped me with. How did my mother think I would help her?

Overall

Okay so overall, I think this story has a lot of potential. It's an interesting concept and idea, and I am a big fan of novels that involve missing parents, orphans, family issues e.t.c. so this is definitely my kind of thing. It is a bit of an overused idea (the whole parent ditching child only to return years later) so be careful with that, but so long as you execute it well and make it original in your own way, it's an idea that can work brilliantly. This is quite a short chapter so I might not have an awful lot to say about it, but I should hopefully be able to give you some critiques to help improve your work.

So the first thing I want to mention is that right now, your main character is a bit of a blank slate. I can't say I really know anything about her. I know you said you like to give details slowly, but you've got to start somewhere! I mean, thus far, all we know is that her mum ditched her and she was brought up by her auntie. I'm not saying you have to tell us her hair colour, eye colour, height, weight, hairstyle, fashion sense, her age, first words, first boyfriend's name, best friend's name, and shoe size... I'm just saying that I think you should give us some more background details on your narrator, even just her name would be nice. Otherwise, you'll struggle to get your readers attached to your narrator.

Something else that bothered me a bit whilst reading this was that your narrator's internal voice/narrative voice sounded quite a lot different to he dialogue. In her narrative, she sounds a bit more understanding, descriptive, and calmer, but all her dialogue is a little rude and blunt. There's nothing wrong with that, I mean, she's obviously going to be a bit pissed at her mother for what she's done in the past. It's just that the problem is her internal thought doesn't really match up to that. She does seem annoyed and what not in her internal voice, but her dialogue seems like a rather massive jump from that because it's quite a lot more snappy, rude, and irritated. I don't know if that makes much sense, but do you sort of see what I'm trying to say?

On a similar note, I find it strange how your narrator is so... comfortable with her mother. By that, I mean that she finds it oddly easy to be openly angry at her and she finds it oddly easy to speak to her. Maybe this is just me, but if I was her, while I may be angry with my mother I wouldn't be able to speak to her so openly, especially about my emotions. I mean she's literally a stranger, and whether that stranger is your mother or not, she is still a stranger and the majority of people would hold back and be hesitant when it comes to being open. Just something to think about, I guess.

The main thing I noticed throughout your piece though was your grammar, spelling, and the general technical side of your writing. You did make several mistakes, but don't stress too much because they are mistakes that can easily be fixed and learned. I quoted and pointed out as many mistakes as I could in this, and suggested ways to fix them. If you want to improve your grammar and punctuation knowledge, I'd suggest for you to maybe find some articles online. I know there are loads available and so if you give them a read, I'm sure they can help you fix and improve your current grammar and punctuation.

That's pretty much it for critiques, but I do have some more minor nit-picks to mention before I leave! Firstly, the mother's age is bothering me a little. You said she's in her early thirties, which makes her 35 or younger. Now obviously due to the lack of background knowledge on your main character, she could be 10 but then she could be 50 for all I know! (obviously she isn't 50, but you get the idea) If she is quite young then the mother's age is fine, but if she's 15 or over then the mother would have had to be 20 at the oldest when she had your narrator. There's nothing wrong with having a baby at 18 or something, but it is rare and it did catch my attention a little.

The other thing I want to briefly mention is your narrator's word choice when referring to her mother leaving her with her aunty. You often say something like she dumped me on my aunty. While I know you use the word dumped to make the mother's actions sound cruel, but I can't help feeling it makes the aunty's worth seem pretty bad. It's kind of like, "ergh, you dumped me with her!" Maybe to stop that, you could mention somewhere how much your narrator appreciates her aunty and what she's done for her?

And I think that's it! If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, just let me know and I'll try my best to help you out with whatever

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins