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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Palurin en' Maranwe Part Two

by bigmacloves


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Part one is located at http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=101932

Part Two Annon

I can’t believe she kissed me, he whispered to himself.

Entering the forest he slowly ran his fingers across the ground where the grass was flattened and sniffed them. Hearing a crack he moved his head side to side, making sure that no one was watching him hunt. Standing up slowly he worried that he would scare any nearby game away.

A buck rested here, he thought to himself.

He moved at a steady pace while stalking the tracks. Rubbing his left hand on a large tree, and grabbed his water pouch with his right hand. Twisting open its lid to refresh himself. Moving it up to his lips he quickly drank half of his water. While water dripped all over it washing away the dirt and revealing an old brownish color. Putting away his pouch and continuing on his way.

Looking above him he couldn’t see the sky through the thick tree branches and leafs. Seeing the moonlight slice through the canopy, illuminating the twisting branches and drooping leaves, he walked a dozen yards to the north east. Staring into the night sky through a small hole in the thick roof of woods, he saw the beauty of the stars.

I better get some sleep; it gets dangerous in these woods at night, he yawned.

Rolling out his giant leather quilt and laying down on his back, his hands behind his head, and staring up at the stars through the small hole in the thick roof of woods. He slowly drifted off to sleep without a worry in his world.

"Why are you complaining", spat an elf Patrol Leader," Oh, wait, I already know! It's because you're a worthless piece of shit!"

Quickly jumping up out of his leather quilt Annon reached for his bow and knocked an arrow. Quietly tiptoeing over to a bush and wondering what could be happening. He peeked through the bushes only to find himself looking at a military patrol group full of dirty looking elven soldiers and one ruthless looking patrol leader.

“Now let’s get moving,” ordered the patrol leader.

Watching as the patrol leader led his group of soldiers away from the valley they were standing in. Packing up his things Annon crawled through the bushes and ran across the valley. Heading forty three miles through the forest he ended up near the northern border of the elf kingdom. When suddenly he found what he had been looking for. There laid the buck under a giant willow tree. Resting its giant antlers on the ground, but it lay motionless.

He then knocked another arrow and shot the buck right in between the eyes. He then walked over to the dead buck and threw it in his bag. Then suddenly he heard a wild scream. Running towards the scream he found a dwarf pinned down by a wolf twice the dwarf’s size. Quickly knocking another arrow without even thinking he shot the wolf right between the eyes just like he did the buck.

Part Two Forya

The wolves quickly retreated at the site of their leader’s death. Standing up he slowly glanced over towards the origin of the arrow wondering who his savior was when his thought process was interrupted by the sight an elf wielding a bow.

“Well go on kill me you fool,” he said proudly, surveying the elf top from bottom.

“Why would I kill you? I’m not a soldier and by the looks of it neither are you,” the elf replied.

Slowly he walked over to his young, but noble elven savior. Pondering what just happened and what he would do next. Staring up at the elf and into his lime green eyes, he smiles.

“What is your name? So that I can thank my savior,” he asks politely while grinning ear to ear.

“My name is Annon, I would also like to know your name,” the elf replied with a curios look in his eyes.

“My name is Forya. I’m a dwarf outcast,” he said with honor.

Slowly he reached out his hand to offer a handshake. When suddenly the elf grabbed his hand and shook it with a mighty grip.

“I really must be going; I have to get my hunting spoils to the market, I didn’t get as much meat as I had hoped,” the elf stated quickly.

“Stay here for a few moments I will be back,” he ordered.

Quickly running to his cottage he grabbed his spare wheelbarrow from the oak shed. Wheeling the barrow to the front door of his cottage he slammed open the door, ran through the house and into the cellar. Where he grabbed 12 dead rabbits that looked as if they were freshly killed still having everything on them. Running out of the house tossing the rabbits through the air and into the wheelbarrow, he grabbed his battle axe. He then rushed the wheelbarrow over his new found friend.

“Take this wheelbarrow and these rabbits it’s the least that I can do for you saving and sparing my life,” he demanded.

Before the elf even had time to answer he ran off back to his cottage. Leaving the elf to do as he pleased, he locked himself in his cottage.

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Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:54 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey Bigmacloves . . . noticed that the second part was up so I thought I'd drop by for a quick review.

Um, okay, in this piece I'm beginning to see marked style improvements. Your details are a LOT better, though your grammar has degraded slightly, your spelling is decent, though a bit confused in places, your plot is going fairly well, though I'm seeing a setback or two, your idea is still really original, but I've got a couple suggestions for you! You did a good job, I'll definitely give you that much!

Okay, so again I must stress that it's up to YOU to fix your problems. You're doing great so far, but again I must warn you to be careful to keep your style separate. Don't try to be like me, or anyone else, in your writing! Don't ever do it! If you do that you run into a pot-hole that's really hard to climb back out of!

All-right. The problems in this piece that I'm going to cover are: Grammar, Plot, Originality, and style. Mind you though that I will probably not be getting all of your problems and it's going to be up to other reviewers (And you) to find everything wrong and do the fixes! So here goes with the REAL review!

First off I'm going to jump into my Originality Suggestion ! Look, creatures like 'elves' and 'dwarves' are REALLY, REALLY over-used in fantasy literature. By over-used, I mean, mega-super-duper over-used. If you want to give your story an authentic original ring then you have to go and invent something totally new. Instead of calling your critters 'elves' and 'dwarves' give them some distinctive characteristics and call them something else. It'll improve your work a ton!

Next I'm going on to your Style problem! Your problem here is probably your most major, besides Grammar! From what I see you're not putting in enough flow. Flow is what makes a story go. You have to sit down and make things go linearly. You have to put in everything, action, thoughts, feelings . . . everything together. If you miss one of these area's then you will CRASH! Try to think out what you want in a chapter, sit down and write it, then tear up what you've written and re-write it. Drafting really does work! You should really try it out here!

Now I think I'm gonna have to go on to your Grammar Problems! Something I couldn't help but notice was that you put all of your dialogue in italics . . . that doesn't work. At all. Look at this. . . .

Well go on kill me you fool, he said with pride as he surveyed the elf top from bottom.

Why would I kill you? I’m not a soldier and by the looks of it neither are you, the elf replied.


You write MONOLOGUE using italics (Thoughts), but you write dialogue (talking) like this!

"Well go on kill me you fool," he said proudly, surveying the elf top to bottom.

"Why would I kill you? I’m not a soldier and by the looks of it neither are you," the elf replied.


As you may notice I did a couple of minor fixes which you would do well to note. Now I'm going to move on to more nit-picky areas of your grammar . . . Take mhttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/ucp ... der=inboxy advice or leave it, be sure to generalize from it either way!

Entering the forest he slowly ran his fingers across the ground and sniffed them. Moving his head side to side, making sure that no one was watching him hunt. Standing up slowly he worried that he would scare any nearby game away.


I think you'd do really well to look a bit up about tracking and that kind of thing. Relying on the little that I do know on the subject, I can tell you that you've got the idea wrong. Raked his fingers across the ground? There's nothing leading up to the second part of this sentence. Comma after 'slowly'! You really need to read your work aloud to yourself before you post, and follow up on what you hear.

Why are you complaining? I know it’s because you are a worthless piece of shit, screamed an Elf Patrol Leader.


You need more sarcasm and emotion here. Let me re-write.

"Why are you complaining", spat an elf Patrol Leader," Oh, wait, I already know! It's because you're a worthless piece of shit!"


Read and compare. Find out what was different and what made one better than the other . . . Note though, that this is not perfect.

Slowly he walks over to his young, but noble elven savior. Pondering what just happened and what he would do next. Staring up at the elf and into his lime green, he smiles.


Uh, okay, you change tense in this sentence, from past to present. That needs fixing. Is a 'lime green' some kind of body part or weapon? . . . cuz the way you use it makes me think that. I advise work here! READ ALOUD!

He moved at a steady pace while stalking the tracks. Rubbing his left hand on a large tree, and grabbed his water pouch with his right hand. Twisting his leather water pouch open to refresh himself. Moving the water pouch up to his lips he quickly drank half of his water. While water dripped all over his water pouch washing away the dirt and revealing an old brownish color. Putting away his water pouch and continuing on his way.


Way over-use of 'leather water pouch' . . . change things around a bit. We readers already know what you're talking about. We're smart. There's no need to repeat yourself again and again and again. ^^ I'm not sure you can stalk tracks either. You kind jump from him leaving home to him falling to sleep a bit fast. Why not just go back home? Same with Farya, how could he get back home so fast?

Okay, that'll have to do for now! I really hope this helps you a bit, as my last review apparently did! Remember to keep up with getting reviews and keeping your work on line! And improving! I still advise you to get yourself a spelling and grammar checker. I think that you might profit quite well from that!

Anyway! Good work! Keep up the originality! Love it! You're really improving a lot here, mind you! And remember! KEEP WRITING! Do that and I can give you a one hundred percent guarantee that you will improve! A lot!


~Black~






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Sun Jun 09, 2013 8:17 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello.
I love fantasy writing so I was more than happy to read through yours. :)

I really liked the start of this Chapter. The opening sentence is short and sweet.

I think that you could extend your description of the setting a bit more. Such as when you say, "Looking above him he couldn't see the sky through the thick tree branches and leafs. Seeing an area partly filled with light from the sky he walked a dozen yards to the north east."
You could have maybe added some more detail like..."The moonlight sliced through the canopy, illuminating the twisting branches and drooping leaves."

I also noticed that in: "He moved at a steady pace while stalking the tracks. Rubbing his left hand on a large tree, and grabbed his water pouch with his right hand. Twisting his leather water pouch open to refresh himself. Moving the water pouch up to his lips he quickly drank half of his water. While water dripped all over his water pouch washing away the dirt and revealing an old brownish color. Putting away his water pouch and continuing on his way."
I found myself saying 'water pouch' one times too many. Maybe you could revise it so it flows more when its read.

Good luck. :) Drop me an email if you would like me to look at anything else.





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