Hey Bigmacloves . . . noticed that the second part was up so I thought I'd drop by for a quick review.
Um, okay, in this piece I'm beginning to see marked style improvements. Your details are a LOT better, though your grammar has degraded slightly, your spelling is decent, though a bit confused in places, your plot is going fairly well, though I'm seeing a setback or two, your idea is still really original, but I've got a couple suggestions for you! You did a good job, I'll definitely give you that much!
Okay, so again I must stress that it's up to YOU to fix your problems. You're doing great so far, but again I must warn you to be careful to keep your style separate. Don't try to be like me, or anyone else, in your writing! Don't ever do it! If you do that you run into a pot-hole that's really hard to climb back out of!
All-right. The problems in this piece that I'm going to cover are: Grammar, Plot, Originality, and style. Mind you though that I will probably not be getting all of your problems and it's going to be up to other reviewers (And you) to find everything wrong and do the fixes! So here goes with the REAL review!
First off I'm going to jump into my Originality Suggestion ! Look, creatures like 'elves' and 'dwarves' are REALLY, REALLY over-used in fantasy literature. By over-used, I mean, mega-super-duper over-used. If you want to give your story an authentic original ring then you have to go and invent something totally new. Instead of calling your critters 'elves' and 'dwarves' give them some distinctive characteristics and call them something else. It'll improve your work a ton!
Next I'm going on to your Style problem! Your problem here is probably your most major, besides Grammar! From what I see you're not putting in enough flow. Flow is what makes a story go. You have to sit down and make things go linearly. You have to put in everything, action, thoughts, feelings . . . everything together. If you miss one of these area's then you will CRASH! Try to think out what you want in a chapter, sit down and write it, then tear up what you've written and re-write it. Drafting really does work! You should really try it out here!
Now I think I'm gonna have to go on to your Grammar Problems! Something I couldn't help but notice was that you put all of your dialogue in italics . . . that doesn't work. At all. Look at this. . . .
Well go on kill me you fool, he said with pride as he surveyed the elf top from bottom.
Why would I kill you? I’m not a soldier and by the looks of it neither are you, the elf replied.
You write MONOLOGUE using italics (Thoughts), but you write dialogue (talking) like this!
"Well go on kill me you fool," he said proudly, surveying the elf top to bottom.
"Why would I kill you? I’m not a soldier and by the looks of it neither are you," the elf replied.
As you may notice I did a couple of minor fixes which you would do well to note. Now I'm going to move on to more nit-picky areas of your grammar . . . Take mhttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/ucp ... der=inboxy advice or leave it, be sure to generalize from it either way!
Entering the forest he slowly ran his fingers across the ground and sniffed them. Moving his head side to side, making sure that no one was watching him hunt. Standing up slowly he worried that he would scare any nearby game away.
I think you'd do really well to look a bit up about tracking and that kind of thing. Relying on the little that I do know on the subject, I can tell you that you've got the idea wrong. Raked his fingers across the ground? There's nothing leading up to the second part of this sentence. Comma after 'slowly'! You really need to read your work aloud to yourself before you post, and follow up on what you hear.
Why are you complaining? I know it’s because you are a worthless piece of shit, screamed an Elf Patrol Leader.
You need more sarcasm and emotion here. Let me re-write.
"Why are you complaining", spat an elf Patrol Leader," Oh, wait, I already know! It's because you're a worthless piece of shit!"
Read and compare. Find out what was different and what made one better than the other . . . Note though, that this is not perfect.
Slowly he walks over to his young, but noble elven savior. Pondering what just happened and what he would do next. Staring up at the elf and into his lime green, he smiles.
Uh, okay, you change tense in this sentence, from past to present. That needs fixing. Is a 'lime green' some kind of body part or weapon? . . . cuz the way you use it makes me think that. I advise work here! READ ALOUD!
He moved at a steady pace while stalking the tracks. Rubbing his left hand on a large tree, and grabbed his water pouch with his right hand. Twisting his leather water pouch open to refresh himself. Moving the water pouch up to his lips he quickly drank half of his water. While water dripped all over his water pouch washing away the dirt and revealing an old brownish color. Putting away his water pouch and continuing on his way.
Way over-use of 'leather water pouch' . . . change things around a bit. We readers already know what you're talking about. We're smart. There's no need to repeat yourself again and again and again. ^^ I'm not sure you can stalk tracks either. You kind jump from him leaving home to him falling to sleep a bit fast. Why not just go back home? Same with Farya, how could he get back home so fast?
Okay, that'll have to do for now! I really hope this helps you a bit, as my last review apparently did! Remember to keep up with getting reviews and keeping your work on line! And improving! I still advise you to get yourself a spelling and grammar checker. I think that you might profit quite well from that!
Anyway! Good work! Keep up the originality! Love it! You're really improving a lot here, mind you! And remember! KEEP WRITING! Do that and I can give you a one hundred percent guarantee that you will improve! A lot!
~Black~
Points: 11152
Reviews: 303
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