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Palurin en' Maranwe (World of Destiny) Part One (Final Copy)

by bigmacloves


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Palurin en' Maranwe

(World of Destiny)

A gust of wind swept across the plain, whipping the elf-king's long black cloak about his shoulders as he led the angry mob. He snarled as he caught sight of Annon's house in the distance and raised his shining sword Gurtha; Death. For death it was to those who fought it. King Laur galloped upon his black mustang as the wind bellowed his white hair through the air. As they arrived at Annon’s house things were quite.

Once they did the angry mob took their torches and lit Annon’s house on fire. The fire quickly consumed the small building. Annon awoke in a rush of adrenalin when he sensed that he was surrounded by smoke and fire. He quickly packed his clothes and some food, while his lungs were filling with smoke and he was suffocating to death. On his way out he looked around in fear seeing all that he knew being devoured in his sight. Then he snuck out the back door of the small house as quickly as he could while it was burning to the ground. Annon made his way to the Taure en' Estela (Forest of Hope) with the sounds of wood cracking behind him, but before he could make it to the forest he was cut off by Heru Laur and the angry mob.

“Annon you might as well stop running,” yelled Heru Laur as he stopped his horse in front of Annon. Annon then looked around almost as if he was waiting for someone then suddenly he heard the call of a crow.

“Well Laur you think you have it all figured out, don’t you?” asked Annon as he stared deeply in Heru Laur’s soul with his lime green eyes while his long black hair swished in the wind and his pale skin tensed up as if he was being stabbed in the back.

"To be honest, I have figured it all out. For instance you have broken the laws of the war. You know that it is forbidden for any non-government communication between the dwarves and the elves during the war, but you went ahead and became friends with that cowardly dwarf! So now in honor of Val Til I will execute you on this very spot!” screamed Heru Laur as he held Gurtha high above his head with honor.

Part One Annon

Annon awoke from his restless sleep when he heard his stomach growl so loud. That you would think he hadn’t ate in weeks. It just so happened that was exactly the case. So he got up from the bed and went over to a large basket by the door to grab some bread. When he opened the basket he found that there wasn’t even enough bread to make a crumb for a mouse. He then realized that he had to go hunting; in order to get items that could be sold for some gold coins; so that he could buy some more food.

He quickly put on the hunting clothing that his father had given him before he passed away the clothing was a: brown, light-weight leather tunic, and a pair of brown light-weight leather shorts. He then grabbed the leather quiver, his only wooden bow, and all 12 of the arrows. He then placed the arrows in his quiver and slung it and the bow across his back. Next he grabbed some hunting knifes; there was a very large one that resembled a butchers knife that was used to chop up the game that he kills and get rid of the unnecessary parts of the game; there was even a smaller one that he used to finish of the small game that he sometimes traps.

Then he made his way out of the small house and off his property. When he got to the road he looked up at the sky so that he could guess what time it was. Then he was suddenly interrupted by his neighbor, Elaina, a beautiful female elf with long blonde hair, and light blue eyes that Annon believes sparkle like a diamond even though he has never seen one.

“Good morning Annon, did you sleep well last night?” asked Elaina in a very soft tone as if she was hiding something.

He tried not to blush as he responded, “No ma’am, I didn’t sleep well, I never do”.

“Well, it seems as if you’re going hunting, do you plan on keeping the meat and selling the rest?” Elaina asked while she slowly looked down at Annon’s feet and looked over him from bottom to top.

He then replied quickly relied,” Yes I do ma’am, do you need meat or any other food?”

Elaina hesitated at first, but then she replied with,” Yes I do I would pay you to bring me some meat, bread, and sugar if I had the gold coins to do so.”

“Don’t worry about a thing Elaina; I will bring you those items, though it may be a few days until I return,” stated Annon in an insuring tone.

“Thank you Annon I will await your return,” whispered Elaina. Elaina then walked up to him very slowly and put her lips as close to his as possible without them touching. She did this as if she was teasing him and with a sparkle in her light blue orbs. She then softly pecked him on the lips just lightly enough for him to feel the sensation.

He then looked her in the eyes as if she just lit up his whole world. “I must get started on my journey,” said Annon while trying to hide his blush red cheeks. He then turned towards Taure en' Estela (Forest of Hope) and was on his way. He looked over his shoulder once only to see Elaina watching him.

Part One Forya

Forya grunted tiredly as he sat up in bed

Morning already, he sighed to himself.

He sighed and ran a hand through his long white beard. Life seemed to go by so fast. Slowly he reached out, and steadying himself on the oak bed-frame, he stood weakly. Mornings didn't go well with him.

Limping into the kitchen he glanced into the second bedroom in the tiny cobblestone cottage. Why did he have two bedrooms? He ran a gnarled hand along the rough wall and stepped over to the oak counter. Shoving a couple chairs out of his way he dropped down on a third one.

It had been ten years. Ten years since a near elven child had been killed by Forya's very own people. Why did I try to save you, he whispered to himself. What elf's life was worth a dwarf’s freedom? He shook his head tiredly, his white pony tail bouncing back and forth. He had done what was right. His conscience was at peace.

He chuckled to himself and stood, pacing over to the wrought iron stove. One hundred and forty eight years and he was complaining that he'd lost ten. He quickly brewed himself a mug of tea, and took a sip. Perfect.

He stared mildly out the window looking over the swamps. The eruumea nada, as the people of Palurin en' Maranwe called it.

Beyond it, in the distance he could see the Forest of Hope, or Taure en' Estela as the people of Palurin en' Maranwe called it. Taure en’ Estela was elf land.

Forya glanced down at his mug and caught his own brown eyes staring up at him from the polished steel. He ran his fingers across his moustache. He didn't regret what he'd done. No, he didn't.

He then went behind his cottage and started heading south. Within twenty minutes he was across the border of the Elf Kingdom and in the Forest of Hope. He figured that sense he was already there he might as well keep walking. So he walked for another two hours.

Then suddenly he heard a wolf howl he wondered where it could be then he heard leafs crunching nearby. So he stopped in his tracks, with his boots shaking so much that you would think it was an earthquake. He was only scared because he hadn’t brought any of his weapons for protection. He wasn’t even wearing his hell bound armor.

Forya slowly started to walk forward, but when he heard rustling in the bushes around him that was all over. He quickly started to run as fast as his little stumpy legs would carry him. Then he was suddenly trampled over by a wolf that was so big that it was bigger than he was. Forya knew that he wouldn’t be able to out run the wolves, but he was not at all sure if he would be able to defeat them in a battle with out his weapons.

Forya then turned around and stared one of the wolves in the eyes, but then he was tackled by another wolf. So he tried pushing the wolf off him, but he couldn’t. Then he screamed with all his might, but he knew that was a bad idea because he was in the Elf Kingdom. Then suddenly an arrow struck the wolf that pinned him down. It pierced the wolf right between the eyes. That’s when he realized that he was in real danger.


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Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:23 pm



Sorry Im late on the review!! I am already off to a busy summer. I don't think I need to introduce myself (: I think this is more of a comment than a review >.<

Everyone here is kinda gotten all the kinks. I do not want to copy anyone s ideas.

I will ask you about the concept of your ideas. I absolutely loved this story, I can not wait to read more! What is your inspiration? Inspiration is key to anything, and I am excited to see what inspiration made a piece such as this. Keep writing, please! I would love to read more!!




bigmacloves says...


Honestly, I don't have much inspiration for this piece... I just picture what I want to happen in my head like its a movie in my mind and then I try to put it on paper



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Thu Jun 06, 2013 6:50 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey there, Stella here!

It was early in the morning when an angry mob of elves made their way to Annon’s house. They were led by none other than, the Elf king, Heru Laur who wore a long black robe and carried an elven sword called Gurtha meaning death. King Laur rode open his black mustang while his white hair blew in the wind. King Laur looked as if he was ready to take a life no matter whose it was. They soon arrived at Annon’s house.


Whoa, okay, I'm big on openings. First of all, I think that your first line should always be *exciting*. It should make your readers go, "Wow!" As a first line, yours has both positive and negatives. Angry mob of elves! Exciting as heck! Early morning... well, it literally happens every day doesn't it? The time of day could definitely wait.

The second issue I have


Annon awoke from his restless sleep when he heard his stomach growl so loud that you would think he hadn’t ate in weeks.


This could definitely be two sentences. The next bit annoys me because... why would he go looking for bread? Surely if he hadn't eaten in months, he would kind of know there wouldn't be bread in the house?

“No ma’am I didn’t sleep well I never do”.


You're missing some punctuation here

Okay so overall I actually kind of liked this even though it's so totally not my genre! Not just the content but also the style has quite a Tolkien-esque feel to it. I liked the contrast between the two perspectives of Annon and Forya. My least favourite part was definitely the prologue. I don't like prologues in general but your writing even within the piece got better as it went on.

You were asking about show vs tell. Well, look at the beginning where you describe the Elf King:

"They were led by none other than, the Elf king, Heru Laur who wore a long black robe and carried an elven sword called Gurtha meaning death. King Laur rode open his black mustang while his white hair blew in the wind."

That's what we call telling. You are telling us that he was wearing a long black robe, that he has a sword called Gurtha, that Gurtha means death. But these things could be shown to us. For instance, why don't you show us the black robe along with his white hair as it billows in the wind? But rather than telling us "He had white hair and a black robe. The wind blew these." SHOW us. Make the wind- make the action the pivotal point. For instance, "The wind buffeted them, his long black robe billowing behind him and his white hair blown off his face." You see the difference is that rather than telling us about each individual thing, we get the entire picture. And while, in terms of information, we get exactly the same, it flows a lot more smoothly for the reader, and reads in a much more natural manner.

You see the bit where Annon was getting dressed? That was showing- you showed us each piece of clothing as he put it on. Good! But then when he was getting the knives, you told us what he used each knife for. You could at this juncture just say something like, "He grabbed his knives, one large and one small-" and then describe the knives. We can find out their functions as he uses them.

Am I making sense?

In any case, here's a really useful article written by a former YWSer that talks about Show and Tell. Hope I helped with that :)

I think the first chapter is good to go- it's the prologue that I'm wary about. It seemed very infodumpy- that means you give us a lot of information like names and places all in one go. The thing is, your readers don't know your world, and it makes them balk. Especially at the beginning of the story. Whenever you talk about an elf King with a named sword and the meaning of the sword and everything we start to shy away. We are simple creatures, readers. You need to spoonfeed us that kind of thing. So I think the prologue needs some work. But once you get to the PoV chapters, things get much better. I think you should move on to your next chapter! You can always come back and edit later :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything! :)

-Stella x




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Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:13 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



As Updated Review

Okay, so here I am to re-review for you!

Okay, you're doin' a great job here! The breaking up of all that dialogue really helped, and your really heading the right way with your descriptions! However you're still not quite there.

Try to sit down and imagine everything your character has to do to do the things he does. Then go through these actions and write them down. Don't go from a torch being tossed into his thatched roof to him running away from the mob, in one paragraph! Write it in two or three pages, with details, imagine YOU are Annon. Think of what you would feel if you were him, and write it down! You'll do much better.

Okay, so look at this:

It was early in the morning when an angry mob of elves made their way to Annon’s house. They were led by none other than, the Elf king, Heru Laur who wore a long black robe and carried an elven sword called Gurtha meaning death. King Laur rode open his black mustang while his white hair blew in the wind. King Laur looked as if he was ready to take a life no matter whose it was. They soon arrived at Annon’s house.


Okay, personally I'd start a story like this a bit more smoothly, building up to this point slowly. However, this here paragraph carries a lot of weight! You could turn it into something really epic! :D Let me try to give you some pointers. Instead of writing

Heru Laur who wore a long black robe and carried an elven sword called Gurtha meaning death.


Do something more majestic, with different words. Like this:

a gust of wind swept across the plain, whipping the elf-king's long black cloak about his shoulders. He snarled as he caught sight of Annon's house in the distance and raised his shining sword Gurtha; Death. For death it was to those who fought it.


It's not perfect, but it's better. From what I see you're not being personal enough with your writing. Readers love it when you get nice and personal with your characters. They want to know what your readers say, do, and think to the dot! You have to oblige them! Put yourself in your character's shoes. View the world through their eyes. And THEN write.

Be careful though, you have to be careful with emotions! Remember to imagine what you would feel if someone was burning your house down! Good luck!

(Note: This is a re-review, should you fix it up again and want another review then I'll just edit this review into a new one).

I'm out of time here so I have to go. I'll get back to you though!


~Black~




bigmacloves says...


Is it good enough to stop editing this chapter???? I really don't need it to be perfect....



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Thu Jun 06, 2013 3:51 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Okay, heya @bigmacloves, Black here for a Review!


Okay, so first off: Nice work. Your descriptions are very impressive, your spelling is great, your grammar is really pretty good, your idea look MEGA-AMAZING, your story world looks well developed and interesting, and you really seem like you're on your way to somewhere. However you have a number of EXTREME weaknesses. Sorry, but you really do. These problems are in your descriptions mainly, though your grammar has a few mistakes, and your idea has holes.

Okay, so in this review I'm going to concentrate mainly on getting your description problem fixed: Because let me tell you, it's a bad one. Incredibly bad. But I'll not neglect your overall idea problems and your grammar! Remember something here: The greatest writers are the writers who are willing to accept anything. If you simply think I'm the meanest person in the world because of this review then tough luck: If you take my advise I PROMISE that your writing will drastically improve.

You must understand that critiquing hurts (As it should)! But that you, as a writer, must learn to accept it that maybe sometimes your writing DOES have a problem. . . . I seriously hope you do this for this review! If you do then I'm good!

Anyway, here goes! I'm going to start with your Description problem. Okay, so I'm going to assume that you've heard of that rule in writing: Show, don't tell. Okay, now granted there are times when too much showing gets in. But your problem is that you COMPLETELY ignore this rule. Nothing in this story is shown! Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you an example of something you told and didn't show, and then I'm going to show you how to fix it!

Forya is a 148 year old dwarf outcast. No matter how you look at his eyes they are a very light brown. Along with a long white beard and mustache that are very well groom. He has white hair all over the back, top, and sides of his head along with a long yet thin braided pony tail on the back of his head. Forya became an outcast when he stood up for an elf who was about to be executed by the dwarf kingdom.

He lives in a medium size cobblestone cottage that contains two bedrooms and a kitchen. Both bedrooms have oak wood frame beds with cotton sheets and blankets, a sturdy oak wood nightstand, and a hefty oak wood desk. In the kitchen there is a large wood stove for cooking, a large wood furnace for heat, oak wood counters, and very strong oak table along with four oak chairs. This small cottage is located in the eruumea nanda (Outer Swamp) which is right outside Taure en' Estela (Forest of Hope), but in the Free Land in other words its right across the border of the elf kingdom.


Okay, these two paragraphs are dog-gone dead boring! Nobody (ESPECIALLY A READER) wants to read this kind of description. It's sickening there's so much of it. It's sickening and sad. Very. Anyway though! Look at it this way, if your reader's likely to skip a piece of your story, then cut it out! End of story! It's better to have it drawn out and vaguely interested than something to be skipped! So let me try to re-write the information you've given here using proper showing.

Forya grunted tiredly as he sat up in bed.

Morning already, he sighed to himself.

He sighed and ran a hand through his long white beard. Life seemed to go by so fast. Slowly he reached out, and steadying himself on the oak bed-frame, he stood weakly. Morning's didn't go well with him.

Limping into the kitchen he glanced into the second bedroom in the tiny cobblestone cottage. Why did he have two bedrooms? He ran a gnarled hand along the rough wall and stepped over to the oak counter. Shoving a couple chairs out of his way he dropped down on a third one.

It had been ten years. Ten years since Seyvar had been killed by Forya's very own people. Why did I try to save you, he whispered to himself. What elf's life was worth a dwarfs freedom? He shook his head tiredly, his white pony tail bouncing back and forth. He had done what was right. His conscience was at peace.

He chuckled to himself and stood, pacing over to the wrought iron stove. One hundred and forty eight years and he was complaining that he'd lost ten. He quickly brewed himself a mug of lithras tea, and took a sip. Perfect.

He stared mildly out the window looking over the swamps. The eruumea nada, it was called by the dwarf people. Beyond it, in the distance he could see the Forest of Hope, or Taure en' Estela as the elves called it. That was elf land.

Forya glanced down at his mug and caught his own brown eyes staring up at him from the polished steel. He ran his fingers across his moustache. He didn't regret what he'd done. No, he didn't.


Now granted, there are those who could have done better. What I want you to do is sit down and compare our two ways of showing the same things. Do you find yours more interesting or mine? Just make it a habit of using dialogue, action, and monologue to show things. It takes more space and more time, but in the end it's really worth it. Also, something else I noticed was this.

©2013 This literature piece belongs to Malcolm Desvignes Jr. (Mac Desvignes) (Bigmacloves); any non-authorized use that includes claiming this piece of literature as your own is punishable by law


Quite truthfully this made me chuckle. But really, if you want to post something on YWS, understand that copyright laws with more backing than anything you can say are instantly placed on it. ;) Don't put things like this in. They just tic people off. It ticked me off which is why I'm being a bit more violent about this review than usual.

I pray that my point is taken.

Okay, now we move on to your general Story Idea Problem! This problem is simple and will only take a minute to explain. This is it: You're moving too fast. You're jumping into the actual story FAR, FAR, FAR too quickly. You need to spread things out a bit. In fantasy you need to build your world! Spend a few chapters doing that, giving your characters a feel for the whole thing! Remember to show and not tell. Show that the guy loves the girl. Don't tell it! Good luck here!

Now we go on to Grammar ! Your problem here is really tied close to you description problem. Seeing as this review is getting a little bit long I'm going to only do three fixes on your grammar and leave you to take care of the generalizing and everything! So let's get going! I'm going to feed you something and then fix it! Remember to generalize.

He then found a nice loose fitting, blue dyed silk, shirt, and a loose fitting, black dyed silk, pair of shorts. Then he quickly put the clothes on and brushed through his beard, mustache, and the rest of his hair.


Uh, okay, you do this a lot mind you! 'mustache' isn't a word, you mean 'moustache' . . . :) Remember what I said about description!!!

He then heard a wolf howl he assumed that it was very close. So he stopped in his tracks while shaking in his boots.


Nowhere near enough emotion here. You need to cut these formal styles and words and use more easy words. Also use emotion filled words! Good luck here. You need it.

Annon is a common 139 year city elf. When he stands in the light his eyes are a gorgeous lime green, but when he is in the dark they become a mysterious dark green. With luxurious wavy black hair that goes down to the middle of his back; some say the hair resembles a black stallion’s mane in beauty. The skin upon his body is pale and soft; it usually has dark dirt blotches all over it; when people see him from a far for the first time they usually think that he is wearing a white silk robe covered in dirt.


Just a like, UNIVERSAL note on writing, NEVER, EVER write huge descriptions of your characters like this. They bore your readers to death, make your characters look vain, and are miserable. You show what they look like, don't say it! EVER! It's just sad.

Anyway, that's gotta be enough for now! :) Good work really. I love the idea you have behind all this, originality means a lot to me. Remember what I said about description! Don't conform your style to mine, and remember! Keep writing, no matter what – Do so and I guarantee marked improvement!

Good luck!


~Black~




VeerenVKS says...


Sorry, but I'll have to disagree with that last part :P
Long descriptions are only bad when you're speaking of a main character, as the reader should get to know them throughout the book. Side characters are perfect for this kind of description, as we have much less time to get to know them.

Just my two cents.





Are you stalking me? O.o

And actually the last part wasn't even from me. It was from a writing course that I took. The guy who did it said that . . . :D

URWRONG



VeerenVKS says...


Indeed I am.
And then that writing course teacher doesn't know what he's talking about ;)





//sigh

>.> You can be very annoying sometimes.

I'll prove it to you . . . go and read that piece over. If you were reading a book would you approve of that? Was it just really interesting to you? . . .



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Thu Jun 06, 2013 2:27 am
WillowCutz wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here. What are your other three wishes? JK, I'm here to review. Please excuse my personality and generally rude attitude. :D

I read your sneak peak, and I have to say this is an improvement. I can see that you took my advice on the writing, but there is always room for improvement. First off the fun part of reading something off of YWS is the mystery of what to expect. If you are looking to post something here it might be a good idea to put the summary in the summary box. It's also good for practicing how to condense what you have to what you need.

Next, describing the chracters work better when put into the actual text. What I have discovered talking to my friends and my sister is that despite the usefulness of reading a prolouge or a page containing who the chracters are, NO ONE reads it. Being able to find the right tome to describe a chracter is something you learn, I can't tell you what workd best for you.

Then, in the prolouge. You don't have to say that he's suffocting to death to show that he's in danger of death. The readers can infer that themselves from how you describe being in the fire. Like, again I'll you the room Bob Jimbob example......

As I entered the room, I was immediately surrounded by water. Though the water was freezing I could not feel the numbness of my feet and toes through the pressure on my chest. It was a chore to just drag my soaked clothes across the room to the staircase. I barely felt the pain in my lungs and my numb toes until I was safely out of the water, by then Bob Jimbob was already pointing up the stairs and I just stared at him.....

See, here I didn't get close to death by drowning without feeling even a small amount of fatigue. To make a situation feel stressful, you can't just say it was painful. You have to describe it and make it feel real. To me this felt too quick. The fire was EXCITING use that to grip your audience! Not overdramatic words like looking into his soul. The story is only fun if you make the story feel interesting real. Vocabulary is a very small part of writing since there are a lot of people who don't know big words. The way it's said is the big part. Plus how dod he feel watching his home burn? What about the picture of his dad on his bedside table, or his favorite toy teddy-bear, or even that spot on the floor created when he dropped his chili bowl on the floor?

Number one rule of writing Show don't tell. Don't tell me he loves her, show me through the way he describes her and talks to her. Then tell me he loves her and how long he has. Hopefully your readers are smart enough to figure some stuff out on their own.

Grammer time! important short-cut and English rule. When ever you switch speakers you must make a new paragraph, this way you don't have to say who's speaking everytime. And it makes it more appealing for the reader to look at.

Back to the room with me and Bob Jimbob. It's a good idea to seperate one story from another story until the two merge. If I'm in the room and suddenly we're talking about Bob Jimbob for the first time, WHERE DID BOB COME FROM?

Again, show don't tell. Don't tell me he heard a wolf. Show me what he heard and how long he'd been waiting to hear it and the how the sound felt on his ears.

The way you write something, your voice, is not something I can tell you. No one can teach it to you, but you can learn how to say it so that it makes sense and it looks/feels good on paper.
With oreos,
~Willow C.




bigmacloves says...


thank you for the review



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Wed Jun 05, 2013 11:18 pm
Andrea2676Marie wrote a review...



I think you have a good idea here, and I look forward to reading the rest. However, I think it's a lot to take in for the first part. It may be easier for your readers to follow along if you ease into things. Instead of pouring out a bunch of information all at once, try introducing them slower. You can write as long of a story as you want! So why rush it! I love the beginning though, and I'm excited for the next chapter. As always, good luck to you and your writing. Keep up the good work.




bigmacloves says...


thank you for the review... If you look forward to reading the next chapter then simply follow me




"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov