Young Writers Society

Okay, I'm back!

You have a few problems such as grammatical struggles, underdeveloped characters and a lagging plot.
This time, to help, I've got a list of quick tips to improve your writing.

1.) As said before, work on your spelling and your punctuation, especially commas and full stops. You can do that by either reading more, even taking notes from good books like how to do direct speech (I saw you also struggle with that) and where to put semi-colons, or you can hit the books and simply study up (not a very romantic notion, I'm afraid).

2.) Make a profile for each of your characters, Storybook style, saying how old they are, what their favorite food is, preferred weapon, history, appearance to the smallest details, skills, weaknesses, everything. When you know that person like your best friend, you can write about him. You don't need to use all the information on the character, but put small hints in, like Graf starting to speak in a shrill voice whenever you mention ogres etc.

3.) Show us something of the countryside. How far do they walk? Is it hours? Do they rest regularly or get tired? Do their toenails blacken from hitting their ill-fitting boots? Is it cold? Dry? Bushy? Rocky? Mountainous? Is the road slippery? Are they bothered by rain and hailstorms? Are there other travelers? On horses, in carts, on foot? Give the readers small details like dust sticking to their sweaty faces, and big descriptions, like passing expansive lakes and forests. It helps to build an idea of the world they are in.

4.) People don't just walk and talk. They gesture, sneeze, fiddle, scratch various body parts, sniff, run hands through their hair or touch their eartips. Show us a bit of that. Does Graf nervously lick his lips sometimes? Does Arad crack his knuckles? Make them utterly human. Show us some small details that give something away about them. A guy who spits in a ditch is immediately more butch and rough. A guy who keeps checking his bow and fixes his arrows is smart and wary. Every detail tells a story, so they are very important!

5.) Match your writing style with the time period. Guys from the time of crossbows would not say:

Graf looked at me like “Told you so.”

Hi Jordin,

Fantasy writing is my passion so I'm more than happy to give you some notes about your opening. I agree with beckiw where she comments on feeling as though the beginning could be a lot more gripping - don't get me wrong - I am definitely interested in these characters and what they're secrets are but you need that gut wrenching, edge of your seat action to drag the reader in.

I also wanted to say that I LOVE the name Ariadne. I don't know if you know this figure from Greek Mythology but I think it's great idea to have meaning behind every name.

GOOD LUCK.

Hey jordin!

Just stopped by to look at the beginning of your story in the hopes of dragging it out of the green room

My instinctual feeling about this beginning is that it could've been a lot more impacting and gripping. Right now this feels like a collection of transitional scenes. Something that you might put inbetween a lot of action to get your characters from one place to the next. This is the beginning of your story, you do not want it to feel like a transitional scene, you want to grip your reader right away so that they continue reading.

You describe via dialogue that one of the characters was attacked when they were with their kinsmen and taken hostage? That's the kind of thing you could lead with. What if the two characters met after the main character saved the elfish boy. That would be a really powerful opening. Also that way you are showing us what happened rather than telling us retrospectively, which is usually a lot better story telling wise. So I would consider saving these sort of scenes for later on in the story and make a new beginning that really packs a punch. Something that opens up all these questions. Who is this person? Why do they have a Griifin? Why was that elfish person attacked? These sorts of questions will make your reader want to continue on.

Moving on to looking at your writing I realised that you have quite a stunted way of writing. What I mean by this is that it doesn't flow very well. It kind of goes 'And then they did this, and then this, then they went over there.' It's kind of more of a blow by blow account rather than storytelling. So I would maybe work on that a little bit. Have a look at some of your favourite books and really look at how the author links actions together, how they structure sentences and what kind of phrases they use.

Another thing is that the way you write dialogue is quite unnatural. It's strange because you have like all the right words and intent there but just they way you put them together is quite awkward.

For example - “I was out in a band of my kinsmen and they attacked and took me captive and the others.”

Try saying that out loud. Does it feel natural to say? Did you stumble on the words? Did you have to pause? Those are usually good signs that the dialogue isn't working well.

Instead something like 'We were out in a band, my kinsmen and I and...they...they attacked us and took us captive. I didn't know what was going to happen..."

You see that? It flows a little better. It seems more like something someone would say. Plus there is emotion on that line. You can see from the way he talks that being attacked and held captive affected the character. By doing something like that you've used characterisation through dialogue. You've SHOWN something about the character rather than TOLD the reader that he was affected.

Otherwise, I like the idea of this world and the main character and their griffin! It seems like a very magical world with dwarves and elves and griffins but then with a more sinister undertone to it. I look forward to seeing more from this world and you

I hope that helped! If you have any questions then feel free to PM me.

Bex x

I like fantasy stories, and griffins are awesome, so I thought I'd review this.

As me and him walked along with the small griffin (whom I decided to call Ariadne) sleeping in a leather backpack that I had found while walking along the perimeter of the town.

We walked on in silence then I said “You will want to be going home then.”

We took shelter in a cave that went straight down and then there was a large cavern.

I stood up and walked over to her just as she was disassembling the carcass of the rabbit