z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Fantasy Land: A Griffins Trail.

by Jonathan


Fantasy Land: A Griffins Trail.

I stood still looking up into the cold dark sky. A large shadow flew over the tree tops landing every now and then. I looked up reaching behind my back for a small crossbow the was strapped to my back. I aimed but then the griffin took off and flew off towards the mountains that stuck out of the earth about a mile away.

I ran after him trying to strap the crossbow back onto my back as I ran after the griffin who started giving a melon collie cry that screeched across the forest when I finally got to the dark evil looking mountains I began to climb as I climbed I saw the Griffin fly towards a yawning cave (about 300 feet above me) The griffin screeched and another but smaller screech echoed from the dark cave.

When I got up closer to the cave I un strapped the crossbow from my back and climbed along a ledge toward the yawning gap in the cliff. I poked my head inside and saw that it kept on going but my sight was obscured by a bend in the cave further up ahead, when I got closer I saw two gold griffins on either side evidently carved by dwarves. I guessed that it was a hatchery or a mining cave that was used by the dwarves that lived in these lands; they were normally short with a temper shorter than their height.

After I had gone a few steps I heard a sound like a small critter trying to get some attention. I loaded my crossbow and stepped out from behind a golden griffin yelled then loosed the small but deadly quarrel it shot through the air with a barely audible whiz. When I opened my eyes (for I had closed them when I shot hopping that I hit the monster with my first shaft) I saw a giant Griffin lying on the ground with a dark black shaft protruding from its heart. Another thing that I did not see until I was about three feet away was a small griffin staring me down over the body of its parent.

I took a small sack and threw a sack that went right over the little animal’s body. I stayed the night in the cave and tied up the small griffin with a piece of leather and tied the other end to my foot, although he never came out of the sake.

I skinned the larger Griffin and pulled its teeth.

When I woke the small Griffin had tugged me past the large golden that stood watch over us. I ended up pulling the small little griffin back and loaded up after having a short but ample meal, then I grabbed the little griffin sacked him and I began my journey back to my home which was about 10 miles away.

My journey was un eventful except for having a giant snake slide by about half way there but when I was about 1 mile away I saw and giant ogres footprint. I studied it and the young Griffin (who had learned to walk beside me) Bent down and smelled the deep footprint in the snow. I stood back up and noticed a that the ground was covered with them.

My eyes went wide as I thought about what I saw (Ogres in these parts were always vicious and heartless) I was guessing that they would attack the town soon so I got up and ran full tilt toward the town. When I got their I saw a giant ogre standing on a raised dais in front of him was a line of villagers all had ropes around them and surrounding the dais was a horde of ogres that where gearing at the line of villagers­ all of them had bruises and blood pouring from cuts and hole that were abundant on all.

I looked on with my eyes wide open with horror I mouthed “No!” but no words came out. The giant ogre on the dais wiped out an axe a sliced off the entire line of people heads. I heard a scream from behind a tree behind the dais.

That night I took the baby griffin and ran around the towns when I was on the opposite side of the dais from where I had been (just a few minutes before). I saw a thin slender shape.

(By this time it was nighttime.) I tied up the young Griffin then walked low and stealthily toward the shape and pulled out my Elfish hunting knife when I got up to it I saw that it was a young Elf who was now gaged and bound with ropes as thick as his arm I stepped up to him and sliced the rope with one swipe of my knife the boy fell over onto his side (The rope had restricted the blood from flowing through his arms.).

“Mmmmmmm…” He tried to say through his gage.

I cut the leather around his head and he said “Thank-you.” His voice was hushed but to me it sounded like it was and overly loud sound after making motions for him to shut up we got up and started back toward my small pile of supplies.

I ran back to where I had tied the little griffin and woke him. After getting my supply’s we set out (We had no real place to go.).

And so me journeys began.


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304 Reviews


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Sun Jun 16, 2013 9:12 am
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! Okay, let's go for it, then!

Firstly, you need a lot of work on where you put your commas and full stops. Look at this:

I loaded my crossbow and stepped out from behind a golden griffin yelled then loosed the small but deadly quarrel it shot through the air with a barely audible whiz.

That sentence should look like this:
I loaded my crossbow and stepped out from behind a golden griffin, yelled, then loosed the small but deadly quarrel. It shot through the air with a barely audible whiz.

To help you with where you should put commas, read the sentences out loud and where you pause, add in commas. Where you start a new thought after a longer pause, put in a full stop. Practice makes perfect! You can also check out some articles in here... viewforum.php?f=150

Okay, next you should check out your spelling. You have quite a few that your spell-checker would scud over because they look like other existing words:

gage
gag
un eventful
uneventful
supply’s
In English, you never EVER use an apostrophe for a plural, unless that plural is also possessive, like in "the dogs' bowls", which denotes bowls belonging to a lot of dogs. (You actually wrote this one right just before -- supplies.)
wiped
whipped
sake
sack
gaged
gagged
melon collie
melancholy
And so forth.

As for the rest, a generally smacking pace, with lots of action, but less substance like character development, plot and description. I'll go into those more on my way through the rest of the story :)

Good job!

barefootrunner




jordin says...


Thanks bare!



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Sat Jun 08, 2013 4:23 pm
Sonder wrote a review...



Hello jordin! GriffinClaw, here to review your beautiful story about... *gasp!* Griffins!

Awesome. So, I think this could be a very interesting story, but the amount of typos in it makes it difficult to understand. In fact, there are so many that it would take quite a while for me to point them all out. So, here is what I think you should do.

1) To make your story better and easier to follow, take one section of the adventure (such as meeting the baby griffin, or the killing of the larger one :( ) and focusing on that. There were so many different parts that did not have enough description for the reader to focus on, so practice describing your character more, or the baby griffin, so that the reader can connect more with the story.
2) Do not use so many parentheses. A good story can work in the things that you put in parentheses into the descriptions.
3) Try to use a spelling check. There were many typos and lack of punctuation. There were many run-on sentences and incorrect formatting. Try to break your sentences apart, at the same time getting in more details.

This is a great idea that I think needs to be cut down more. Great job!

Continue writing and being amazing,

~GC




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Sat Jun 08, 2013 2:20 am
hannahbear21 wrote a review...



Hi! This is a wonderful start, I do believe there is room for improvement though! I would recommend using other words than "I" and "got". Also, I saw some grammar errors here and there, just go through and check it. Another thing is what does one hear, smell, think? Make sure you make that known to the reader! GREAT JOB!
-Hannah (:




Sonder says...


Why did you post this 5 times? >.>



jordin says...


I know.



hannahbear21 says...


I have no idea why it did that. I swear I'm not trying to be a snob and get my point across that way. Technology is literally repelled by me. >.<



jordin says...


I know what you mean I have done it before.

A mod should take car of it.



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Fri Jun 07, 2013 10:46 pm
Andrea2676Marie wrote a review...



It is a good start you have here. I see a lot of room for expansion. Also, you should had some more description and detail. Make the reader be able to picture exactly what is going on. This ranges from actions as well as physical descriptions of your characters. I encourage you to continue the story, and re-read through this part to add some detail in. I look forward to the next part. As always, good luck to you and your writing.




jordin says...


Thank-you for the pointers!




Some people file their [tax] returns inside of a dead fish.
— John Oliver