Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The relentless whine of 100’s of bees flying cuts through the air to his ears, the cold metal of a wreaked car solid against his back, the strong thud of his heart pumping adrenaline filled blood through his veins, plastic grip held as if his life depends on it, the sun shines down from its high perched throne. Up, running, feet pounding the hard ground as he charges his foes. “WHAT THE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

The yell tears across his fantasy. The foes of reality are far more terrifying then the ones of his mind. The guilt crashes into him as he looks across the field to the half chopped pile of wood miniscule next to the daunting figure of his farther. Disappointment stares through his father’s eyes as Alex slowly forces himself across the field knowledge that the beating is unavoidable settling in the pit of his stomach. The irony of life is wasted on a 9 year old, Alex had the soldier beaten out of him as a boy only to have it beaten and drilled back into him as a man.

Now 10 years later he listens to the whine of metal flying through the air, cold steel of a wrecked Humvee solid against his back, the strong thud of his heart pumping adrenaline filled blood through his veins, plastic grip held as if his life depends on it, the sun shines down from its high perched throne. Alex lets a the sardonic smile play on his lips as squats behind a wrecked truck, the body of Torez still smouldering inches from his face, thinking back to his old life.

Screams echo through his ear piece “MOVE!” it cuts through the background chaos of noise and time. Up, running, feet pounding the hard ground as he charges his foes. “4 O’CLOCK” Alex moves his arms on auto pilot the rifle swings round the sights line up like the tumblers in a unlocked door he squeezes the trigger.

It's a good idea. Check your spelling though! The numbers you have written here, actually need to be spelled out. Such as "nine year old", "four o'clock", etc. So please make sure to fix that. However, I like the direction it is headed, and you've got suspense here. Also I think you should reread through this a few times to see where you can expand. I strongly encourage you to do so, and think you could make this into a really cool story.
Good job, and keep up the excellent work.
And as always, good luck to you and your writing.

This is really good for a first piece of writing, I thought it was nicely written. I also liked the whole setting of the piece and feel that it could go somewhere great.

Just a few points, though:

terrifying then the ones

The guilt crashes into him as he looks across the field to the half chopped pile of wood miniscule next to the daunting figure of his farther

farther

Alex lets a the smile play on his lips as squats behind a wrecked truck

it cuts through the background chaos of noise and time

Alex moves his arms on auto pilot the rifle swings round the sights line up..

Hey Mac here for a review,


This piece of literature is not half bad at all. I think you have a great idea flowing through your head. It also seems as if you are in the piece of literature. On the other hand there is a crap load of mistakes in this. I mean mistakes that frustrate the reader like crazy. Honestly if I was a publisher and you gave me this to read, I would pick it up and burn it and to be honest I don’t care if you hate me and think I’m the worst person in the world because being a writer you need to understand criticism. I say this because critics are tough! So I’m going to give you a couple of tips on how to make this piece of literature even better.
First off there isn’t much detail in this. So if I were you, I would put some more detail in it because this is not at all long enough to be a chapter plus I can’t even tell what is going on in this piece of literature. I honestly don’t even know how to help you add more detail because there is not even enough detail for me to understand what is happening in this first chapter. So I would work on that as much as you can.
Honesty, if this stuff gets fixed I would love to continue reading this book. If I were you I would fix the mistakes, and then go back to this copy of your chapter. Then on the right side menu there is an edit button so click that and change the errors. Once you do that get a hold of me and tell me you changed it. Then I will come

Hi there! First of all, welcome to YWS!! Let me know if you ever need anything.

For your first piece of writing, this was really good. You have a lot of fantastic ideas about presentation to achieve different effects, but some of the structure of your writing didn't quite support your awesomeness. I'll point a few things out, and you can take or leave whatever you like.

Nitpicks:

The relentless whine of 100’s of bees flying

wreaked car

plastic grip held

Disappointment stares through his father’s eyes as Alex slowly forces himself across the field knowledge that the beating is unavoidable settling in the pit of his stomach.

Now 10 years later he listens to the whine of metal flying through the air, cold steel of a wrecked Humvee solid against his back, the strong thud of his heart pumping adrenaline filled blood through his veins, plastic grip held as if his life depends on it, the sun shines down from its high perched throne.

Alex lets a the sardonic smile play on his lips