it is the last call for nandhan , the flight is ready to takeoff in 5 minutes , again i repeat nandhan your flight to london is ready to take in 4:45sec . Sorry i was locked up in bathroom , by staring at the security i understood my apology is not worth making , he is not expecting sorry but he is expecting my presence . Running to flight i couldn't even say good bye to my motherland ,as every lad in india makes a wish to god to bless with a girl beside there seat , i to followed with same wish , as i couldn't make my wish clear in hurry i was blessed with a girl who passed out second class and i uderstood following or shadowing someone is the cheapest idea . The only positive appluse i got when i first got into the flight was , i found six aunties and eight girls glared at me, iam very particular about female because my age and gender dominates my fellings . Even though i took my seat i am trying to have glimpse over the eight girls but my eyes dragged my look to airhostess , i belive in a saying of my friend that most of the men makes there choice over women just after one glimpse but most of the women makes choice over men just after there first shoppping with men and they both commonly miss making decision wisely . I was calm and reading tinkle book which was borrowed from the kid just before her sleep , the only reason to stop my embarassing behavior for the rest of the journey is commonsense , it is the only eleven letter word which makes huge difference between human and animal . It is to inform all the passengers that flight is ready to land in ten minutes so we request you to have your seat belts . I couldn’t notice the announcement as my mind is completely buried inside the 99th page of the tinkle book , the airhostess came to help the kid beside me and made my attention to her , i dont understand why women's give sharp look's even for a moment . I am in search for a placard with my name as my mind is completly infested with movies , but i couldn’t find any placard because i am not send here to do job or hired by company make a business deal , more over the one whom i am expecting to recevie me is my nephew who is doing his masters in political science . The purpose to make my walk on this english land is to complete my masters in computer science , as i said i am infested with movies i decided to complete masters in film technology in the period of time given to complete masters in computer science , i found this is the merely way to light my dreams inorder make them organic . When i first saw my nephew after one year i was startled and noticed him without mustache as most of the indians follow , i think they want to be the product of their environment . He welcomed me with a hug , i was really happy with welcome because the smell of the perfume was so sweet i couldn't even lose the grip of the hug because for the time i felt the fragrance of the perfume is sweater than our relationship.
7:00 pm in taxi , off to (21 Stephen Street, W1T 1London) it is where my nephew was living . we made our journey fascinating questioning one another . I couldn’t answer one of the question , that how my parents would react after next two years when i fly back with a degree in film technology , he thought I couldn't answer because of the complexity in it , but it is my mind which is out of the taxi while we are making our way to 21 stephen street through london bridge --my mind couldn’t make its come back because it found a beautiful liplock scene over the london bridge with tiny blue lights of bridge flashing on women's face and tiny yellow lights flashing on men's face , i thought this scene would get good applause in theater . i was infested with so many thoughts…….one of them was to make the same scene in my real life , i even felt to shut down the taxi glass through which i am staring , so that i can have more lively look over it , but i was startled with my nephew's voice and my glimpse over his lips , finally i brought my mind back to the taxi which lost its contact with body . For the time i am insane of lips and started catching glimpse over lips of the people walking beside the roads , even i tried to catch a glimpse over my taxi driver's lips through view glass. the rest of the journey was short as my mind was enduring to search for the same scene.
“ Success doesn't just happen , You have to be intentional about it , and that takes discipline.” I was staring at john Maxwell’s quote on the door, I had phobia of the last word of the quote , so I turned my eyes over my nephew’s finger which is over bell switch . I found someone who I is contemporary in age opened the door . he is immaculate , attentive and his looks are fixed , he welcomed me and I was astounded with first glimpse of the room , I thought they to had the phobia of the last word of the quote over the door. My nephew introduced his pal ----he is arvind from mumbai and another one made a shout from dining table ---I am chaitanya from delhi , come on we will talk taking our supper , walking to dining table I was thinking that I am form Chennai and my nephew is from Kolkata so we represented golden quadrilateral of india .
Please take your seat ,I can’t promise you the best supper but I promise you the special one’s -—chaitanya
How you all ……?, my question was not completed .
we three are from same college , Hyderabad iit ---replied chaitanya
so you’re here to do master’s in computer science , serving me Bangers and mash ----questioned chaitanya.
no masters in film technology------i replied
are you nuts , its not the right path to make your walk—chaitanya
its my dream , only some live upto it and its where my interest lies —I replied
how for would you go to get what you came all these way for and what could you willing to do —chaitanya
anything and everything –I replied
india won match and series my nephew said , inorder to bring us out of hot swing of discussion
what are the scores ---chaitanya
I finished my supper , chaitanya insisted arvind to show washbasin , I said --its alright he is busy in messaging . when i stood up I found arvind opening message so I started drinking water but my eyes are keen on message , ”” I love Fish and chips , you promised me you will buy for tomorrow’s lunch “” sender honey . Arvind replied< “” I am man on my word ---what about having a date tomorrow “” >. our both eyes are anxiously fixed on screen for reply , 1text message recived , arvind opened messeage “”ok””, the reply was positive .walking to wash basin I thought ,in London date is very cheap , it costs lunch with Fish and chips . as it is two bedroom flat , my nephew gave me a sigh to move to bed room opposite to main door .’’ life is too short ,to be little ‘‘ reading the quote on wall, I thought are this three insane of quotes and I was completely fixed in thinking about the quote which would be in the next bedroom . I was jolt by my nephew , he gave me his phone , taking the phone I saw a name tulasi aunty on the screen , its my mother , all the way calling from Chennai . she asked me complete details from flight take off to supper menu , she listened everything what I said , like a girl setting over first bench in history class , she also has some queries but I failed to give right anwers like an engineering student in his viva .i am on bed to off my day praying god give me enough knowledge to answer my parents questions when I flew back india after two years of my degree .
I was horrified of alarm sound , I woke up ,i took my cell phone to stop alarm , I saw time its 5:30 am, which is glittering on megan fox's face ,her image was wallpaper of my phone . I walked to living room to take water , I opened the refrigerator I found two water bottles and two red wine bottles . my heart pushed my hand over wine bottle , my mind apprised me to have water, i thought if my mind and heart would compromise , i would mix and drink . good morning ---chaitanya wished me all of a sudden coming from bedroom . i wished him the same and started drinking water.
Hey there, Harry, I'm on a bit of a reviewing spree at the moment and unfortunately/fortunately, you are one of my victims! I found this whilst browsing in the Green Room and noticed you wanted more reviews to complete the rest of it, so here I am to hopefully try and help you with that.
I think 'Sorry i was locked up in bathroom' is meant to be dialogue, right? Where the character is speaking? If so, you need speech marks. You're also missing a 'the', and so it should look something like this: "Sorry I was locked up in the bathroom."
You need a 'my' between 'to' and 'flight'. I'm also not too sure what you mean by saying motherland. Maybe I'm just being a bit stupid, but I'm not sure what a motherland is.
Embarrassing* Common sense is also two separate words
This should be written like this: "but i couldn’t find any placard because i was not send here to do a job or hired by a company to make a business deal
You can just use speech marks, you don't have to write '-—chaitanya'. Like this: "Please take your sear, I can't promise you the best supper but I promise you a special one," said Chaitanya.
I think you have a really interesting idea here that has a lot of potential to be original, so well done for that! There were several perks to your writing here, one of the main ones being your use of description and imagery here, in my opinion. I can't remember any off the top of my head right now, but I know you had some really neat, cool similes in here. An awesome job on that! I also quite liked some of your characterisation, and I think that the people you've created here have lots of juicy potential. For example, I find your main character's train of thought rather amusing, and I can differentiate him from other characters. Overall, a nice piece with lots of potential!
I must admit that I don't really have anything major to critique for you when it comes to the content, plot e.t.c. of this, so my main focus is on grammar. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm going to assume that English isn't your first language. I've got a good friend on here whose first language also isn't English, so I can completely see where and why you're making the mistakes you are making when it comes to grammar and punctuation as your mistakes are similar to hers. Generally speaking, you do have the basics of grammar in your grasp, which makes the majority of your story make sense. That's always a good start! There are definitely some grammatical issues you can work on though, and I'll try my best to try and explain some of them to you.
One thing I noticed was your use of capitalisation. I noticed that you don't capitalise names, which is very important in writing. I can't tell you the exact reasons why names must be capitalised, but they always have been in writing, and it's a very important rule. That should be easy enough to remember, right? Just make sure you use a capital letter at the beginning of every name i.e. John, not john. Another problem I noticed with your capitalisation was that you often forget to capitalise the letter, I. No matter what you're saying, that letter must always be a capital letter when it's by itself. Remember that, and you'll be improving your grammar in no time!
Something else I noticed regarding grammar is that you seem to be a bit unsure of how to use spacing surrounding punctuation, for example commas. An example of how to use spacing for punctuation such as commas and full stops/periods would be this very review. Have a look and take note of how I myself use spaces with my punctuation, and see if you can figure it out from there. The basic two basic rules are:
&
After punctuation like commas and full stops/periods, you need one space before you start the next word
For example, think of what I just told you and now look at this simple sentence: the cat was fat, short, and stumpy. What you'd probably do there would be: the cat was fat , short , and stumpy . Can you see how the first version of that sentence looks a lot neater and more correct than the other version? I'm not sure if I've made any sense, I hope so, but if not just let me know and I'll see if I can explain further.
The final thing I want to mention is that you occasionally miss out words from a sentence, especially articles (articles are the words, 'a', 'an' and 'the'). The problem with this is that when someone is reading your writing and these words are missing, things can get a little bit confusing for the reader. Those three words are very important, you see, and they are some of the most common words that need to be used in writing. When it comes to using these words, they are basically used for referring to things. For example, you wouldn't just say, there was apple on floor. Instead, you would say, there was an apple on the floor. Do you see how the second sentence is a lot smoother and easier to read?
In all honesty, I'm not sure how much sense I'm making and articles are a little hard to explain. I'm certainly no expert either, so try using this website here, which explains them a little better: http://www.learnenglish.de/grammar/articlestext.htm
I think that's it! I've tried my best to explain the grammatical mistakes you're making, but I'm really not the best at doing so. Nonetheless, I do hope that I've made things a little clearer for you and that you can apply some of the things I've tried showing you into your next piece of writing. The only critique regarding content I have is that the last paragraph of this piece was a bit... sudden. I felt like you should have maybe made a smoother transition from the day your main character arrives in London to the day after that. Other than that though, I think you're good with content. Once again, I hope I've helped somewhat and if you have any further questions, just let me know
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
I started reading this and I will gladly review if you do something for me first.
I'm not judging your content of writing but your formatting is not good.
Can you put in capital letters and paragraphs. (at the moment its a huge block you need some places where you start a new line)
Speech marks at the beginning. Near the end you put them in but every time there is a new speaker you need to start a new line. Never have speech marks in the middle of the line unless you are continuing the same person talking.
Near the end you start doing some really random stuff where you miss too many lines.
Also your tense. It seems like you want to be in past tense but you suddenly change to present tense in the middle of your sentence.
For example:" I was horrified of alarm sound , I woke up ,i took my cell phone to stop alarm , I saw time its 5:30 am, which is glittering on megan fox's face ,her image was wallpaper of my phone . "
It should be like this: "I was horrified of the alarm sound. I woke up , I took my cell phone to stop the alarm , I saw thetime it was 5:30 am, which is glittering on Megan Fox's face ,her image was wallpaper of my phone .
The grammar and sentence structure is quite messy. I would consider re-wording that phrase. For example.
"I woke up, horrified by the sound of the alarm. I took out my cellphone in order to stop the piercing buzz. The time flashed across the face of the Megan Fox wallpaper. 5:30 A.M."
If you go proof read this and fix up the technical issues then I will review the story side of your writing. At them moment it is just quite hard to read.
waiting for reviews to complete rest of the tale