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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
This poem is interesting.
I really liked the last four lines, and the first two lines. I had to read the poem quite a few times, but that's not a bad thing.
Well done.
Lumi is back?!
I really should give this a propper review, but I'm kind of bleh at the moment and this laptop hates me and as no spellcheck so I can't check my own spelling.
Anyways, this, this is beautiful. I'm kind of speechless, actually. I'm going to have to save this link somewhere so I can read it again when I get back home.
Heya! Demtry here to review you
I really liked this poem. Your line breaks are marvelous and your imagery is incredible. I do agree with magpie about "fleshy sort of moss." The "sort of" does weaken the image a bit - maybe substitute it with "the fleshy half moss"?
Just my opinion! I really loved the line "a terrible mesh of heavy yesterdays."
Please keep writing!
Hello, Lumi.
This poem is beautiful. It aches in the very atoms of my being, and honestly? I cried a little bit. Not much, but I did. And that's a powerful thing to bring out such strong emotions with your poetry that it moves another person to tears.
There are only a few things I'd like to address as candidates for change.
The "of" clinging onto the end of your third line would probably feel more comfortable on the solid ground of the beginning of your fourth line.
The "-" at the end of your sixth line is a hyphen, not a dash, which is what needs to be there. A hyphen connects two words, a dash (which is longer) creates a pause.
I would omit "sort of" and "the." "Sort of" makes the image weaker, and "the" sounds like you're being oddly formal, in a way. Though I suppose if you were referring to specific river stones, you should keep that one in there.
This line is a little unclear. I'm sure that you meant that they watch the scales as if they're watching october stars, but the way I read it at first was as if the doctors were watching like october stars. Grammatically, that's how it should be read. I would consider rearranging this line a little to improve clarity (unless you actually meant it the way I read it).
I don't like "there's this one day." It changes the tone of your poem to something less important sounding.
All that nitpicking aside, this really is a wonderful poem. These lines:
are really frakking amazing. They were the ones that really sent chills down my arms and brought tears to my eyes. Because these lines ache. And they ache beautifully.
Thank you for sharing this poem. It's beautiful.
I hope that this review was useful to you. Happy poeting.
Lumichu, sugar babe, where you been all my life?
Wherever you've been, you've probably been poeting, and I'm finding this a delicious poem for you to return with. This has an aching tone which permeates through all of your imagery and settles very, very comfortably around the intent in your poem. I'm very impressed by this, most glad that you've written it and more importantly (for me) shared it.
I want to suggest that you get rid of that "of" hanging on your third line - it's out of place and I think it detracts from the rhythm you have going, I get distracted by it. As well as this, consider making "a fleshy sort of moss" into just "a fleshy moss" the "sort of" is too slow, it's pulling the line down unnecessarily. The imagery here is perfect, and I'm enjoying the continual reference/allusion/connection to the hospital imagery. Most particularly I enjoy "dreaming of steel-cracked subway rails" Although I ignore 'subway' in my own reading because I understand 'train' much better, as a reference to stations and train tracks and all that, not that it takes away from the reading as a whole because I think it echoes your place and time which connects rather sweetly to this idea of a broken Berlin, and a broken women at the end. At the end or entirely through the poem, either way the imagery is achingly soft and I think you capture moments really well here. I think you've edited very well here, perhaps this was wordier to begin with? I feel like it might have been, and you've edited back - but this might be silly fantasy because either way you've got a good handle of line length and rhythm here.
All in all, I like this. Thanks for posting.
♥
Good poem. I see a couple blemishes though that I will be pointing out...
NOW!
Okay, first, none of the verses are capitalized! That won't do! When a sentence actually begins, you still need to start with a capital letter. Next, I don't understand the title. Is this a date?
Anyway, the poem isn't too bad, but I suggest taking those mistakes into mind.
~Dark