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Love Part 1: The Peacock

by ChubakaWooky


The peacock is one of nature's beauties.
Its feathers display a variety of vibrant colors,
As it struts around flashing everyone.
But the peacock has a temper matched by none.
Approach him and you will learn,
How sharp his beak is.
Take away his lustrous feathers,
And he is nothing more than a dull peahen.

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:02 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

Oh, I hope this is not trying to be a poem about a woman dressed up for a night out, because that would really make me mad. The problem is that I don't see another interpretation for the poem that's really possible... maybe it's just talking about love in general, for real, but it rings false for me.

Haha, mostly because just because you take away a peacock's feather doesn't change its sex.

Ugh, especially when you use the phrase "struts around flashing everyone" it makes me think you're trying to write about a girl, which I am so against. Please can dress however they like, and just because you might take away the clothes and the makeup doesn't make them any less of a person. If that's your intended meaning, I guess I just don't agree with the poem.

In terms of material regardless of my opinion, I'd suggest cleaning up the meaning more. Make it clear so we can agree with you, accept the emotion and things you propose, or fight you and move on. Also, do peacocks really have tempers? All the ones I've known have run away, so that beak thing doesn't read as real to me, either. Check your sentences to make sure they say what you want them to. Look at them one by one; literally separate them in a word document so you can look at only one sentence at a time. Does each line or sentence do what it needs to do? Does it also do something extra? Use your words wisely!

I hope this was helpful. Also, sorry for kind of reading these poems backward, but it doesn't seem like it matters anyway? If it does, let me know and I'll have another look.
As I said before, please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck and keep writing!

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693 Reviews

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Reviews: 693

Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:52 pm
Audy wrote a review...

Hey Chubaka!

This is a cute poem and it looks like it's part of a series of love poems if I'm to go by what the title says. So I might also take a look at your second part, as I love poetry series ^^

Now, while I appreciate the simplicity in this. I sort of agree with Niteowl in the descriptive element. When you do feel like revising/if you're wanting to go and revise this -- know that there's a way to be descriptive without being lengthy. Poetry is all about choosing the best words in the best order. So, try to cut out words that aren't doing much for you such as: "display", "variety", etc. and then choose to create an image that does the most for you in as few a words as possible. For example, you have an entire line here that is like:

its feathers display a variety of vibrant colors

This line is basically saying that this peacock has colorful feathers, beautiful, basically.

But you can simply that down to two words that do much more for you:

festive feathers weaving with the flow of wind

Instead of having so many words to say colorful feathers, why not just say colorful feathers? Or better yet -- festive. Strong, vivid words that do so much more than just describe something that is colorful, but also presents a mood, and sound alliteration, as well as an atmosphere of jovial attitude/exictement. That leaves you more words that you can spend to express however you want. It's the whole 'economy' of words thing. Why spend $10 worth of words, when you can get the same worth for only $1 worth of words. If that makes sense.

So words like vibrant / lustrous -- they're vivid words, I'll give you that, but used in this poem, they're both saying the same thing about these feathers. Say it once, say it right. If you're going to come around back to the feathers, then bring something new to it.

I hope this helps :) Love the peahen line, by the way.

~ as always, Audy

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9 Reviews

Points: 550
Reviews: 9

Fri May 31, 2013 6:23 pm
ChubakaWooky says...

Truely, I wrote this to point out that humans tend to think that the more make up you wear, the better your hair looks, and the cooler your style of clothing is, the better you are. That is why this is a satire. I am telling the world that looks aren't everything. It is a romance because most relationships revolve around how cute the person looks and how hot and muscular they are. It also could be for money but that's not really the point here. The best relationships revolve around friendship and love, not infatuation.

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1219 Reviews

Points: 33345
Reviews: 1219

Fri May 31, 2013 1:58 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi ChubakaWooky and welcome to YWS!

Overall, I think you have an interesting metaphor going here. I look forward to reading the other parts. My comments are mostly on smaller stuff.

The peacock is one of nature's beauties.
It's feathers display a variety of vibrant colors,

This is okay, but right now it doesn't seem like it would be out of place in a textbook about peacocks. Try to focus more on the image here. Don't tell us how beautiful he is: show us his shining feathers and how all the peahens flock to him. An example might be

Behold the mighty peacock,
His feathers drenched in emerald and sapphire

That's not that great, but see if you can't make this more poetic. Also, the possessive "its" has no apostrophe.

Take away his lusterous feathers,
And he is nothing more than a dull peahen.

Lustrous is misspelled. Also, were you literally trying to insinuate that the peacock changes genders? I might consider making it less strange by saying he is duller than a peahen or something.

General note: You don't have to have a punctuation mark at the end of every line. If you don't know where you put commas and periods, format your piece in paragraph form and punctuate as you would prose.

Overall, this is pretty creative, but I'd consider adding more imagery and making it smoother. Good job, welcome again, and keep writing! :)

ChubakaWooky says...

Thank you for your input! Not to be stubborn (which I am) but I like to keep things short and sweet. Perhaps I can put a little more detail to the peacock's feathers, but I don't want to take too much attention away from the fact that just looking good doesn't make you a good person. Like all the popular kids at school are usually jerks. Lastly, I am surprised about the it's/its thing.

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305 Reviews

Points: 831
Reviews: 305

Thu May 30, 2013 1:44 am
speakerskat wrote a review...

Hey there Chewy Kat here to review for ya!

I can't wait for the next part because this definatley leaves me hanging off a cliff wanting to read more! I have never heard of poetry being done in parts, interesting...
I like what you have going here and get the last line where you say that it would be a dull peahen ( we just learned about peacocks in science XD)

Overall it is really short but if you are doing this sort of like a series then I think you have a really good thing going here and an undoutable skill in writing poetry!

Keep it up

ChubakaWooky says...

Thank you! What I love to do is bury the true meaning very deep in the poem. You would be very surprised to know that 1) its about physical appearance and 2) its about deception.

ChubakaWooky says...

Among other things...

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems