Young Writers Society

Hey! Here for your review! I go from stanza to stanza. Also I'll be editing stuff, so it'll be in bold. And I'll explain everything in depth!

First stanza:

"When the cold stone -- or if you don't like this I'd suggest you replace "cold" with "ice" so that it could be physical. Because cold can't be turned to bone, it is a description of something not an actual thing.

turns to bone, -- I have a question about this, I am just wondering why the stone should turn to bone? I am actually wondering about the meaning, I think it's good to look deeper into the meaning, and I sure you had a reason for it. Was it for the stone becoming more of a living thing? Or what was it? I am curious. Also "do" I feel is unnecessarily and lengthens the poem, thus making it harder to flow.

the world shall moan

in flaming chrome." -- For the stanza in general I thought that it was pretty good, the rhyming was surely there. I would suggest you take my advice though, and you can read it out-loud slowly to see if it works for you. I always read the poetry both in my mind and out-loud. A lot of how one views poetry is in how it flows, so I tend to focus on that.

Second Stanza:

"Though no light will shine

in the darkest shrine.

The dying world will be mine,

lost from hope, without a sign." --- Overall this stanza was good, but I would suggest changing the way you wrote it a bit with my edits. Also, it was a bit of a strange twist, to the dying world will be mine, from no light shall shine in the darkest shrine. Also, I want to let you know you can keep with a theme or tune or style, and still not rhyme so much, and it's not just the rhyming it's the sentence by the rhymes. And though some of them are great. Some of them could be a bit different. As I tried to show in the example above, using the word "will" twice makes the two lines familiar then making the rhyming not so jutted by not matching. I am also curious what you meant with this stanza.

Third Stanza:

"But then upon the seventh day

all of which was made of clay, -- the "then" and "that" were taken out because they were unnecessary. The "of" was added for proper flow, so that it would still work.

shall tear upon the widening fray

turning an eye to the path led astray." -- I changed the "a" to "the" because I had a feeling from the way you were writing this, the author was the one directing, which meant the path was specific and not random. Overall I thought this stanza was pretty good, the fourth line was a bit tough to re-assemble but I felt it worked better that way.

Fourth Stanza:

"How could you smile without the light?

How could you feel, but not with might? -- I took out the "know" and made it like this because of the meaning, one can feel and know not might; but it is possible for one to not feel with might.

How could you watch and feel no spite? -- I like this line I think it's my favorite, it has a lot of good meaning and it really draws the reader in. Like, what is it that should cause spite? And so forth, which was nice to see.

How could you run from the shinning sight?" -- I felt this original line was quite repetitive and thus, did not make the rhyming go well here. If you don't like that, I have another example:

I would suggest: "How could you run from a light so bright?"

Fifth Stanza:

"Before you was what naught could buy -- Please explain this to me. I'd be willing to look this over and reply about what I think when I understand what you mean. I like to know what the writer is trying to say when I can't figure it out. And in this case I can't, so, please let me know.

but all you saw was the fiery sky.

All you feared was but to die."

All you owed was another lie." -- I found nothing else to edit here. As for what I thought, it was interesting and confusing. I'd advise you to remember that your reader may not understand exactly what you mean, which means, that sometimes you must drop hints. Even the most confusing work have some meaning in their confusion. I'm not saying you don't, just saying.

Sixth Stanza:

"Life was nothing but a broken tie

lying there in a filthy style

Gone from hope lost your in eye -- I switched the words around here so that it could be easier to understand.

worth nothing but a soundless cry." -- Soundless is a word and so it doesn't need to be separated.

As for the whole stanza I also found this one quite confusing, and perhaps if explained I would understand. That said though, it is interesting so if your purpose was to be interesting, it worked! I liked the use of "soundless cry" although it felt a little bit out of place with the lines before it, I still thought the use was good.


Seventh Stanza:

"Oh, that foolish creature of clay

running in circles all of the day. -- it matched the length of rhyme as the line above.

Lost to what, he cannot not say. -- I like this line, it was simple but it worked, and it described the character.

It twasn’t about whether or nay,

good was true, no it wasn’t I say! -- This line was very out of POV. Even in poetry you have this. If you wanted to write that line, I would suggest you put quotations around it. Or, maybe have added some other first person posts. I just felt surprised seeing it. I know you were writing from the narrators point of view, but I still suggest you look it over and put quotations, it really catches on of guard.

It was what paid that he ought to let stay

the very chosen path of the prey,

the prey of choice and mind combined

the perfect match for death and decay." -- First of all I do think this should be split up into two different stanzas but then, I am just going to go ahead and review it like it is.


So overall, I thought this was a very unique poem. Form the beginning I felt it was meant to rhyme a lot, and it seemed to have a certain style. That said though, I also felt it a bit intimidating for it seemed very abstract and I'm not the best at cracking abstract, I hope I did good enough. Please do take my advice and look things over! It was a good poem though, and good to read. Keep 'em coming.

-- Dream over the hills, the mountains, the skyscrapers. ^^

Hey twenty something try at reviewing.
So don't expect me to be good at it. I'll get started. I apologize in advance for my personality.

First off, ugh, rhyming. One of my pet peeves. In general it adds nothing to the actual poem and a little bit of a headache to the reader. Ever read Dr. Seuss out loud? It is a literary device that requires a delicate amount. I can't exactly tell what that amount is because a scarely ever use it (I don't use it), but I know that every line is too mich for my tiny head.

Okay, I have to ask, what's with the Old English? It seems unneeded. But if you were going for a mood I think there are better ways of making the reader feel alone and mello.

That's all I got.

Hi there, BlackNether. Okay, the master reviewer is about to be reviewed

So, my first thought when I got to this piece, was 'RHYME!'
There is a lot of it. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but you used perfect rhyme pretty much all the way through in huge regimented blocks. Firstly, this gives your poems a nursery-rhyme or even sing-song feel, especially because the rhyme is of a simple nature, like 'cry' and 'sty'. Secondly, it invariably draws the reader's eye to the last word of each line, so much so that much of the meaning and beautiful vocabulary in the poem is lost. I would recommend thinning the rhyme out a little, or it takes over the entire poem. You can either change the rhyme scheme or change the rhyming words to make the rhyme less conspicuous.

Also, beware of changing the meaning of the poem to suit the rhyme scheme. In your first stanza, you suddenly have 'flaming chrome' coming in. Did you really originally have flaming chrome in mind, or did it just fit the rhyme scheme?

Then, your word choice. It brings to mind something Biblical, perhaps, and I might guess at your theme because of all the apocalyptic images... It might have something to do with religion or beliefs.

Here, too, beware. You are reusing your words sometimes. The word 'clay' was used very conspicuously in two places to form rhyme, so did you reuse it for the rhyme or the meaning, and in either case, would it be detrimental to the poem to remove it?

You also have a lot of abstract terms, for example 'flaming', 'life', 'spite' and 'might'. They do not create visual cues in the reader's mind. Using a flood of abstractions is a major pitfall in poetry, since it can dilute the poem's message by simply leaving the reader in a mire of nonpictorial ideas. Make it real—give readers stuff they can picture and touch. Very concrete objects that capture their minds like clay, sty and tie are good. (But why would a tie be in a sty?)

There are a few points where I can't quite make grammatical sense out of it:

Lost to what he what, he could not say.

Gone from hope in your lost eye

the right was true, no it wasn’t I say!

You used amazing words to rhyme your poem
I liked the message you conveyed but i guess it would require more important like mostly in grammar .
And using capital letters.
With a bit more of hard work you can do it.
I really appreciate it but some lines i did not really understand what they conveyed.
Sometimes you really dont need to use words just to rhyme your poem . There should be a message conveyed.
Anways Keep it up