Young Writers Society

OOH. Fantastic playing.

Here are my favorite lines:

Childhoods on light waters of aging deep shallows, in dark.

On dark waters of deep childhoods, in light shallows aging.

Hey Cosmo!

Nice to see you again. So I'm just going to dive straight into this. This reminds me of the exercise that Rydia and myself were doing, where we tried to write poems using a certain number of words and then changing up the syntax/order of the words.

This poem here has a really cool effect, almost like a ring-on-water sort of repetition that is really cool. There are a lot of soft sound effects as well with the /deep/ and the /l/s the /o/s -- it creates this sort of soft, tender hearted kind of rhythm which suits the piece as well.

It is a very difficult thing to try to accomplish and I love the experimentation and seeing you go for it and also accomplishing it! The one thing that I would say, that was something that I've discovered when doing this myself, is to back up the poem's aesthetics with some strong form. Because you're working with such rigidity in words -- the form of the poem sort of needs to be tightly packed as well. So utilize your whitespace and your line breaks, because when you're trapped in a number of words that you can use -- the only thing that you have left where you're free to manipulate to your liking are your line breaks.

Let me know if you wish to chat this one over, or if you have any questions/confusions and I'll be happy to talk ^^

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

Hello, this is Sally writing.

I like the way you indented every other line.
However, I do not see any clear destination or conclusion of the poem.
Keep writing!

Howdy there, Cosmo, I'm Juniper,

My mind isn't quite sure what just happened here, but I think I like your creativity with words here. Save for the part where the poem, as a whole, does not make sense when organized like this, I think you have a creative eye for stylistic poetry. Thumbs up,
June

This poem is very confusing. First, we start out with light and dark being stacked on top of one another, which is confusing in itself, and then you continue to use childhoods in places where multiple childhoods seems to be misplaced. Most of the time, childhood is pluralized by their, instead of childhood[s], or at least it isn't naturally in my vernacular that way. On top of that, we start out with a contradiction, or at least something hard to picture, 'light on dark' regardless of how dark can be 'of' aging childhoods? Typically I would think the darkness from, or darkness on the aging childhood of the village, or childhood of the darkness, so it seems backwards.
Then you seem to have some odd formula for mix-matching these words. I'm curious if this was a found poem perhaps, but I'm not sure. As it stands now, I think it needs some explanation with it as to what you were trying to do, or why you continued to repeat the same lines. Perhaps it is just because I am not completely brushed up on my contemporary poetry?
I'd really like to be able to get something out of this, but after a few lines, it starts becoming word soup and I have a hard time keeping things straight.
If you can explain contemporary poetry to me perhaps, then I might be able to give you a better review.

Hmm, I'll say that the way you wrote this makes it harder to tell which stamza is which, or if this is one big stanza. Really I just see the same words repeated over and over again. I don't know if that's intended. Anyway, there are no other mistakes in this... Er Poem. So there's not much I an say really about this, other than its not bad. I'm really just here to review, and I can't really elaborate much. Eh, that's one of the quirks of writing I guess. Anyway good work and all.
~Dark.