Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
I am practicing for my English exams, so I wrote something in one hour, equal to what I would be able to write in, about one hour. I have 5 hours, and I want to use at least one hour for finding ideas, and one for fixing when I am done. So what I want you guys to do, is to do the harshest review you have ever done. By the name of god, if you want to break down a person until he cries, this is the time to do so. I want to gain as much knowledge as I can, becaue this is the best I can make as a first draft.
So, review this piece of shit (I am just boasting you. I don't consider it shit)
The room was slightly lit up by a single wax candle. It was placed on a round table, which was covered with a linen cloth. There were no windows in the room, only a door. A normal square shaped door, with ugly drawings made by kids several years in advance. It was an odd room. Everything was old, except for the wax candle. It had just been replaced.
In the middle of the room, on each side of the round table, there were two chairs. In one of them, there was a middle-aged man, whom was nicely dressed. A black suit and a white shirt, combined with a crimson tie and pitch black shoes. His face was calm and relaxed, and he seemed at peace.
In the other chair, there was a woman. It was the middle-aged man’s wife. She seemed more relaxed than her husband, almost lying in the chair. She was also nicely dressed. She wore a beautiful red dress that reflected the light from the candle, creating a sparkly light show on her body.
The man whispered a few silent words, before he took a sip of his coffee, and started talking to his wife. Every word he said had a relaxed and calm, yet morbid sense. He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech. He did not want to converse; he wanted to tell his wife everything he wanted to say with no response. While talking, he stood up from the chair, and started walking.
His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling.
Suddenly, he stepped into a pool of liquid. The splashing sound startled the man. His eyes opened wide, and he slowly looked down at the liquid. The thick, dark red liquid was splashed all over his shoes. He turned towards his wife. Her lifeless body was like a ragdoll. The chair was covered in blood, and her lifeless face was pure white. He looked down at her chest, which was bloody. There was a hole in her dress, and blood was still pouring out of it. He ripped open the dress, revealing the monstrous scene. Her chest had been stabbed repeatedly with a knife. On her abs, the skin was cut off, revealing a disturbing figure. A bloody pentagram, carved into her abdominals with a knife.
The man stumbled backwards, falling back into his chair. He stared at the remains of his wife, struggling with what he had just witnessed. He got up, turned around, and ran to the door. This time, when he looked at the door, he could see that there were no child drawings, but instead, signs. A combination of different signs covered the majority of free space on the door. In the middle of the door, there was a rough drawing of two people holding hands. But one of them had horns. The man screamed, clearly terrified. He opened the door, and started running down the dark hallway that lead away from the door. He ran up the stairs that led up to his living room, stumbling in several steps. When he saw the door he felt relieved, but when he was about to open it, he felt a strange tingling in his body. Almost as if he wanted to go back. But he pushed open the door, revealing his peaceful, normally lit up living room. His couch, dining table, bookshelf… No blood. He felt relieved that there was nothing more. He took up his phone and called the police. He told them his wife had been murdered.
The police came to his house 20 minutes later. He told them to go down the stairs and to the end of the hallway. Himself, he didn’t want to go back, and the police accepted this. They went down the stairs, towards his wife. The man went to the bathroom to change clothes. After all, he was almost covered in blood.
In the bathroom, he looked at the mirror. His suit was covered in blood, with few clean spots remaining. He took of his jacket and threw it in the shower cabinet. Suddenly, he remembered something. He had only stepped in the blood. His body paralyzed, and he slowly lifted his head from the floor. Slowly, he saw the reflection of himself. The shirt soaking wet, covered in his wife’s blood. When he could see his face, it felt like the whole world stopped. In the reflection, he did not see the troubled face of a man that had lost his wife. The bloody face in the mirror stared back at him. The man in the mirror, who was now staring at him, had two horns on his head. And the man was… Smiling…
The phrase describing the room as odd didn't really connect in my mind. From the previous description, nothing stuck out as odd.
I agree with SushiSashimi333 about the 'she' thing.
Everything happened so fast - you did a good job of describing the character's internal turmoil. I felt his confusion at first and horror.
The end, man. Solid. (That means I liked it!!!) It was creepy and a good ending.
Not sure if you meant to do this but you started a lot of your sentences in this paragraph with "she".She seemed more relaxed than her husband, almost lying in the chair. She was also nicely dressed. She wore a beautiful red dress that reflected the light from the candle, creating a sparkly light show on her body.
This line doesn't really flow too well and isn't exactly clear in what you're trying to get across.He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech.
The funny part about this is that before you said how he wasn't really talking but making a speech. Now it would seem that he isn't making a speech either but rambling.It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling.
You need to find another word to substitute in for the word "liquid" so that you don't end up using it too much.His eyes opened wide, and he slowly looked down at the liquid. The thick, dark red liquid was splashed all over his shoes.
This line confused me a bit, you're either covered in blood or not, maybe you forgot to mention an adverb (adverb?) like completely. Maybe soaked would get your idea across a little better.After all, he was almost covered in blood.
Just thought you might want to know that you spelled "off" wrong, nothing real major.He took of his jacket and threw it in the shower cabinet.
I am not totally sure that using the ... approach was the best way to end this piece, but you did a good job at creating that eerie feeling.And the man was… Smiling…
I really liked this story. in my opinion, English teachers grade wayyyy too hard and they nitpick every little thing, which is ridiculous. I feel like if it's a STORY they shouldn't be allowed to do that, only for essays. but alas, that's the way the world works. I did think the whole "pool of liquid" thing was kind of cliché, but eh you could probably get away with it. I liked the concept of the man with the horns, but then again I am partial to demons 
and because the man has horns and all, the pentagram thing is fine, even though a pentagram doesn't necessarily insinuate satan, it's also a pagan symbol. anyways. I agree with most of everything the others said. the only thing I have to add is this:
"He did not want to converse; he wanted to tell his wife everything he wanted to say with no response."
you repeated the word "want/wanted" three times in one sentence. that's a little bit of an overkill.
"He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech. He did not want to converse; he wanted to tell his wife everything he wanted to say with no response. While talking, he stood up from the chair, and started walking.
His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme."
same thing with this entire section. you repeat the word "speech" three times. and the line "his words were unusual, less swearing than usual." saying "unusual" and then "usual" right after sounds kind of funny.
p.s. a man with two horns doesn't have to be the devil. there are plenty of demons out there that fit this description. good idea to let the reader choose for themselves whether or not this man is the devil himself or some other demonic entity. it might be more believable to the reader that he was possessed by a demon than satan, since Satan usually sends his minions to do his work for him.
Bobbeh! Here as requested for a shredding ;D Here goes!
Okay: The first thing I really would've liked to see a bit more was description of their facial features themselves. I know what their clothes look like but not their faces. You could weave in some symbolism into this: it'd probably get you a few marks too. Try and make your descriptions more alive and vivid. His eyes could be, let's say, black, or you could fit in a description of how they were empty and hollow like ... a tunnel or something - i.e. describe him so that his appearance seems to fit how you want the reader to feel about them. So somebody's eyes could be baby blue and they'd be seen as cute, but describe them as ice and they'd be very cold.
Next thing: how can the police be so cool with him being covered in his wife's blood yet being allowed to change? The forensic evidence! Plus it would seem obvious to them that he did it. Perhaps he could see his reflection in the pool of blood?
I'd also really like to see you controlling the suspense and pace. The long, slow sentences contrasting with the sharp, dramatic ones. Maybe give them its own paragraph. Use syntax to control how the reader reads things. Long sentences slow down the pace; short ones speed it up. Use new paragraphs to emphasise things and make stuff more dramatic. I really want to *feel* the terror he feels.
And that's all from me! I hope I helped and if you've got any questions, you know where to go. Best of luck for your exam! Let me know how it goes.
- Bluesy.
Hi there!
Okay, first of all the story is good. I'll start with a positive 
The idea is intriguing; this couple sitting at the table, probably like they've done several times before. I can't decide if I want to know more about your characters or not. Probably not. Yeah, I'm gonna go with that. Your description of the characters is good. Giving the situation and storyline, we really don't need to know more than what they look like.
Onto the review:
There were no windows in the room, only a door. A normal square shaped door, with ugly drawings made by kids several years in advance.
Everything was old, except for the wax candle. It had just been replaced.
In the middle of the room, on each side of the round table,therewere two chairs.
ItShe was the middle-aged man???s wife.
She seemed more relaxed than her husband, almost lying in the chair.
The man whispered a few silent words, before he took a sip of his coffee, and started talking to his wife.
He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech.
His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling.
His eyes opened wide, and he slowly looked downat the liquid.
Her chest had been stabbed repeatedly with a knife.
On her abs, the skin was cut off, revealing a disturbing figure. A bloody pentagram, carved into her abdominals with a knife.
He stared at the remains of his wife, struggling with what he had just witnessed.
He got up, turned around, and ran to the door.
He took up his phone and called the police. He told them his wife had been murdered.
Mkay. Hi Robert. This is 567ajt, overseer of many a skinny White British drama queen, here to review this short story of yours, entitled The Wife. Why you've decided to title this isn't very clear, but nonetheless here we go.
I took great privilege reading your opening statement, about allowing me to absolutely destroy your story. And I have done so.
"So, review this piece of shit"
Ooooooooh yeah, I will
"The room was slightly lit up by a single wax candle. It was placed on a round table, which was covered with a linen cloth. There were no windows in the room, only a door. A normal square shaped door, with ugly drawings made by kids several years in advance. It was an odd room. Everything was old, except for the wax candle. It had just been replaced."
I like these descriptions, up until "it had just been replaced". What relevance does this have to the story? Or the wife, whom we haven't seen yet? Sure if you mentioned the significance of the wax candle maybe this would be acceptable. But, what I see is you just adding that bit in as filler and fat, which isn't a good sign this early on. Miscellaneous details are not recommend in stories such as this, boo-boo.
"In the middle of the room, on each side of the round table, there were two chairs. In one of them, there was a middle-aged man, whom was nicely dressed. A black suit and a white shirt, combined with a crimson tie and pitch black shoes. His face was calm and relaxed, and he seemed at peace."
Again, I liked your descriptions, but I couldn't help but think "hmmmmmm, haven't I read this before?" And I have. I know you're not trying to make something entirely unique, but the examiner is looking for something at least a little creative. I just know that this man in a suit (it always has to be a suit hasn't it? -rolls eyes-) will end up having terrible things happen to him.
"His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling."
This paragraph needs to be cut out, dude. What's the harm by just adding "ritualistic rambling" to the next paragraph? Again this seems to just be there to fill up the word count, meaning more fat and less development.
"Suddenly, he stepped into a pool of liquid."
Hmmmm....I bet it's blood.
"The thick, dark red liquid"
YAY! Ten points for Gryffindor! Congratulations; you have just put the nail in the coffin of all the overused cliches in suspense stories!
"He turned towards his wife. Her lifeless body was like a ragdoll. The chair was covered in blood, and her lifeless face was pure white. He looked down at her chest, which was bloody. There was a hole in her dress, and blood was still pouring out of it. He ripped open the dress, revealing the monstrous scene. Her chest had been stabbed repeatedly with a knife. On her abs, the skin was cut off, revealing a disturbing figure. A bloody pentagram, carved into her abdominals with a knife."
I actually liked this part. Really, I did. I liked your wordplay and how her body was a "ragdoll". It added at least something fresh. However, this was all ruined with the mention of a pentagram. Why, oh why, make this something centered on Satanism/the Occult? These stories always do that!
"The man stumbled backwards, falling back into his chair. He stared at the remains of his wife, struggling with what he had just witnessed. He got up, turned around, and ran to the door. This time, when he looked at the door, he could see that there were no child drawings, but instead, signs. A combination of different signs covered the majority of free space on the door. In the middle of the door, there was a rough drawing of two people holding hands."
This abrupt sense of creepiness comes across as contrived and rushed, and really random. Leave the previous setting as it is, man. It was creepy then, and actually creative. And the "two people holding hands" is so The Shining that it makes me want to read that book instead of reading this story.
"But one of them had horns."
Why not both of them?
"The man screamed, clearly terrified."
Of course he'd be terrified. No need to add that little part in. I'd be terrified, but would I add that in? No.
"He opened the door, and started running down the dark hallway that lead away from the door. He ran up the stairs that led up to his living room, stumbling in several steps. When he saw the door he felt relieved, but when he was about to open it, he felt a strange tingling in his body. Almost as if he wanted to go back. But he pushed open the door, revealing his peaceful, normally lit up living room."
Whoa, man. You could be the next RL Stine.
"His couch, dining table, bookshelf… No blood. He felt relieved that there was nothing more. He took up his phone and called the police. He told them his wife had been murdered."
My favourite part of the whole piece. I like how you referred back to the original setting and the whole flashback thing was good. Well done.
"The police came to his house 20 minutes later. He told them to go down the stairs and to the end of the hallway. Himself, he didn’t want to go back, and the police accepted this. They went down the stairs, towards his wife. The man went to the bathroom to change clothes. After all, he was almost covered in blood."
Don't you mean "go to the bedroom"? Who has a wardrobe in the bathroom? It's not as if someone occupies the bedroom, is it?
"In the bathroom, he looked at the mirror. His suit was covered in blood, with few clean spots remaining. He took of his jacket and threw it in the shower cabinet. Suddenly, he remembered something."
Remembered what? :O
"He had only stepped in the blood."
Oh.
-.-
All *that*, for him stepping in blood?
"His body paralyzed, and he slowly lifted his head from the floor. Slowly, he saw the reflection of himself. The shirt soaking wet, covered in his wife’s blood. When he could see his face, it felt like the whole world stopped."
Wait, what?
You've just made him have a friggin' flashback because he stepped in a tiny smear of blood? Why are you so quick to not acknowledge this? And just move on?
"In the reflection, he did not see the troubled face of a man that had lost his wife. The bloody face in the mirror stared back at him. The man in the mirror, who was now staring at him, had two horns on his head. And the man was… Smiling…"
He's the Devil. Fantabulous.
Ok....so....I reviewed as harshly as I could.
If you think about what the examiner may think, I think there's too much stuff going on. And the whole "being the devil" thing at the end isn't a twist, more like a disappointment. Also, there are too many cliches in here. I just know, for example, the liquid would be blood.
So please, try and use more unique language.
Aside from a few paragraphs, I did not enjoy this piece as much as I would have liked. So, I am going to award you with a strong 3 to a light 4.
3/10
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