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16+ Violence Mature Content

Practicing for exams - The Wife

by Bobbywalker


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

I am practicing for my English exams, so I wrote something in one hour, equal to what I would be able to write in, about one hour. I have 5 hours, and I want to use at least one hour for finding ideas, and one for fixing when I am done. So what I want you guys to do, is to do the harshest review you have ever done. By the name of god, if you want to break down a person until he cries, this is the time to do so. I want to gain as much knowledge as I can, becaue this is the best I can make as a first draft.

So, review this piece of shit (I am just boasting you. I don't consider it shit)

The room was slightly lit up by a single wax candle. It was placed on a round table, which was covered with a linen cloth. There were no windows in the room, only a door. A normal square shaped door, with ugly drawings made by kids several years in advance. It was an odd room. Everything was old, except for the wax candle. It had just been replaced.

In the middle of the room, on each side of the round table, there were two chairs. In one of them, there was a middle-aged man, whom was nicely dressed. A black suit and a white shirt, combined with a crimson tie and pitch black shoes. His face was calm and relaxed, and he seemed at peace.

In the other chair, there was a woman. It was the middle-aged man’s wife. She seemed more relaxed than her husband, almost lying in the chair. She was also nicely dressed. She wore a beautiful red dress that reflected the light from the candle, creating a sparkly light show on her body.

The man whispered a few silent words, before he took a sip of his coffee, and started talking to his wife. Every word he said had a relaxed and calm, yet morbid sense. He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech. He did not want to converse; he wanted to tell his wife everything he wanted to say with no response. While talking, he stood up from the chair, and started walking.

His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling.

Suddenly, he stepped into a pool of liquid. The splashing sound startled the man. His eyes opened wide, and he slowly looked down at the liquid. The thick, dark red liquid was splashed all over his shoes. He turned towards his wife. Her lifeless body was like a ragdoll. The chair was covered in blood, and her lifeless face was pure white. He looked down at her chest, which was bloody. There was a hole in her dress, and blood was still pouring out of it. He ripped open the dress, revealing the monstrous scene. Her chest had been stabbed repeatedly with a knife. On her abs, the skin was cut off, revealing a disturbing figure. A bloody pentagram, carved into her abdominals with a knife.

The man stumbled backwards, falling back into his chair. He stared at the remains of his wife, struggling with what he had just witnessed. He got up, turned around, and ran to the door. This time, when he looked at the door, he could see that there were no child drawings, but instead, signs. A combination of different signs covered the majority of free space on the door. In the middle of the door, there was a rough drawing of two people holding hands. But one of them had horns. The man screamed, clearly terrified. He opened the door, and started running down the dark hallway that lead away from the door. He ran up the stairs that led up to his living room, stumbling in several steps. When he saw the door he felt relieved, but when he was about to open it, he felt a strange tingling in his body. Almost as if he wanted to go back. But he pushed open the door, revealing his peaceful, normally lit up living room. His couch, dining table, bookshelf… No blood. He felt relieved that there was nothing more. He took up his phone and called the police. He told them his wife had been murdered.

The police came to his house 20 minutes later. He told them to go down the stairs and to the end of the hallway. Himself, he didn’t want to go back, and the police accepted this. They went down the stairs, towards his wife. The man went to the bathroom to change clothes. After all, he was almost covered in blood.

In the bathroom, he looked at the mirror. His suit was covered in blood, with few clean spots remaining. He took of his jacket and threw it in the shower cabinet. Suddenly, he remembered something. He had only stepped in the blood. His body paralyzed, and he slowly lifted his head from the floor. Slowly, he saw the reflection of himself. The shirt soaking wet, covered in his wife’s blood. When he could see his face, it felt like the whole world stopped. In the reflection, he did not see the troubled face of a man that had lost his wife. The bloody face in the mirror stared back at him. The man in the mirror, who was now staring at him, had two horns on his head. And the man was… Smiling…


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16 Reviews


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Tue Jun 04, 2013 3:51 am
gabriellasloan wrote a review...



The phrase describing the room as odd didn't really connect in my mind. From the previous description, nothing stuck out as odd.
I agree with SushiSashimi333 about the 'she' thing.
Everything happened so fast - you did a good job of describing the character's internal turmoil. I felt his confusion at first and horror.
The end, man. Solid. (That means I liked it!!!) It was creepy and a good ending.




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Thu May 30, 2013 10:56 pm
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



She seemed more relaxed than her husband, almost lying in the chair. She was also nicely dressed. She wore a beautiful red dress that reflected the light from the candle, creating a sparkly light show on her body.
Not sure if you meant to do this but you started a lot of your sentences in this paragraph with "she".
He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech.
This line doesn't really flow too well and isn't exactly clear in what you're trying to get across.
It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling.
The funny part about this is that before you said how he wasn't really talking but making a speech. Now it would seem that he isn't making a speech either but rambling.
His eyes opened wide, and he slowly looked down at the liquid. The thick, dark red liquid was splashed all over his shoes.
You need to find another word to substitute in for the word "liquid" so that you don't end up using it too much.
In your seventh paragraph you take a little too long to describe the scene which takes away from the suspense of the story. It's best to just describe what he saw in great detail than in little bits and have to mention her bloody chest over and over.
After all, he was almost covered in blood.
This line confused me a bit, you're either covered in blood or not, maybe you forgot to mention an adverb (adverb?) like completely. Maybe soaked would get your idea across a little better.
He took of his jacket and threw it in the shower cabinet.
Just thought you might want to know that you spelled "off" wrong, nothing real major.
And the man was… Smiling…
I am not totally sure that using the ... approach was the best way to end this piece, but you did a good job at creating that eerie feeling.
Now this piece as a whole was pretty good. The concept was interesting and the ending was great (minus what I said before). Throughout you tend to repeat things which takes away, but if you just work on snapshots, or describing a single picture, then everything should be okay and you won't have to repeat yourself as often. Great job, and really nice mood in the ending!




bobbywalker says...


Haha, thanks for the review. Will be editing based on the other reviews today. (If I get the time) Of and off is annoying, because word does not tell you that "of" is wrong, although if I had seen it, I would've known :3

Thanks for helping.

Love, Bob Walker :D



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Thu May 30, 2013 5:06 am
Winterhawk393 wrote a review...



I really liked this story. in my opinion, English teachers grade wayyyy too hard and they nitpick every little thing, which is ridiculous. I feel like if it's a STORY they shouldn't be allowed to do that, only for essays. but alas, that's the way the world works. I did think the whole "pool of liquid" thing was kind of cliché, but eh you could probably get away with it. I liked the concept of the man with the horns, but then again I am partial to demons ;) and because the man has horns and all, the pentagram thing is fine, even though a pentagram doesn't necessarily insinuate satan, it's also a pagan symbol. anyways. I agree with most of everything the others said. the only thing I have to add is this:

"He did not want to converse; he wanted to tell his wife everything he wanted to say with no response."
you repeated the word "want/wanted" three times in one sentence. that's a little bit of an overkill.

"He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech. He did not want to converse; he wanted to tell his wife everything he wanted to say with no response. While talking, he stood up from the chair, and started walking.
His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme."

same thing with this entire section. you repeat the word "speech" three times. and the line "his words were unusual, less swearing than usual." saying "unusual" and then "usual" right after sounds kind of funny.

p.s. a man with two horns doesn't have to be the devil. there are plenty of demons out there that fit this description. good idea to let the reader choose for themselves whether or not this man is the devil himself or some other demonic entity. it might be more believable to the reader that he was possessed by a demon than satan, since Satan usually sends his minions to do his work for him.




bobbywalker says...


I would like you to stick your penis inside me :)



bobbywalker says...


WTF?! Somebody's been on my computer! How do I delete that?



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Wed May 29, 2013 6:23 pm
Blues wrote a review...



Bobbeh! Here as requested for a shredding ;D Here goes!

Okay: The first thing I really would've liked to see a bit more was description of their facial features themselves. I know what their clothes look like but not their faces. You could weave in some symbolism into this: it'd probably get you a few marks too. Try and make your descriptions more alive and vivid. His eyes could be, let's say, black, or you could fit in a description of how they were empty and hollow like ... a tunnel or something - i.e. describe him so that his appearance seems to fit how you want the reader to feel about them. So somebody's eyes could be baby blue and they'd be seen as cute, but describe them as ice and they'd be very cold.

Next thing: how can the police be so cool with him being covered in his wife's blood yet being allowed to change? The forensic evidence! Plus it would seem obvious to them that he did it. Perhaps he could see his reflection in the pool of blood?

I'd also really like to see you controlling the suspense and pace. The long, slow sentences contrasting with the sharp, dramatic ones. Maybe give them its own paragraph. Use syntax to control how the reader reads things. Long sentences slow down the pace; short ones speed it up. Use new paragraphs to emphasise things and make stuff more dramatic. I really want to *feel* the terror he feels.

And that's all from me! I hope I helped and if you've got any questions, you know where to go. Best of luck for your exam! :D Let me know how it goes.

- Bluesy.




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Wed May 29, 2013 12:23 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Okay, first of all the story is good. I'll start with a positive :) The idea is intriguing; this couple sitting at the table, probably like they've done several times before. I can't decide if I want to know more about your characters or not. Probably not. Yeah, I'm gonna go with that. Your description of the characters is good. Giving the situation and storyline, we really don't need to know more than what they look like.

Onto the review:

There were no windows in the room, only a door. A normal square shaped door, with ugly drawings made by kids several years in advance.

*there should be a semi-colon here instead of a period. The period messes with your flow. And saying the drawings are ugly doesn't really work. I can see that this is foreshadowing (don't know if you planned that or not) because of what the man sees in the picture later. But saying that they're ugly doesn't really work well. You could say that they are blurred or he's not sure what they look like. That would be a better piece of foreshadowing than saying that they're ugly. And the comma between door and with isn't needed.

Everything was old, except for the wax candle. It had just been replaced.

*I don't like this sentence. It's just strange how you add in the candle thing. If you want to mention the candle, say something like "Everything in the room was old. The only exception was the wax candle which had just been replaced". Something like that. It works better within the flow of the story.

In the middle of the room, on each side of the round table, there were two chairs.


It She was the middle-aged man???s wife.

*not it, she. We know the person is a woman so you can say she.

She seemed more relaxed than her husband, almost lying in the chair.

*first of all, good foreshadowing. Second of all, you need to change this description. I know the image that you're trying to get across, but this just doesn't work. When I think of someone lying in a chair, I imagine them on their back with like, their hands and feet hanging off or something. I'm pretty sure you mean that she's slumped down lower than her husband is. So write it like that. Say that she looks like she would slip under the table at any moment. That would be a better description.

The man whispered a few silent words, before he took a sip of his coffee, and started talking to his wife.

*you don't need the first comma. You seem to overuse commas a lot in this piece. You like commas don't you? XD

He did not talk, but instead, it seemed more like speech.

*okay, so you said that he was talking and then all of the sudden you say he wasn't talking. Um...I was a bit confused until I read the next sentence. So I suggest saying something about how he didn't want to have a conversation with his wife and all that. Maybe you should just cut this sentence all together because you explain it well enough in the next few sentences.

His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling.

*something about this paragraph just doesn't sit well with me. I think it's the whole thing about this not being a normal speech. Who knows what a normal speech would be? And we don't even know exactly what his speech is about (something I am curious about actually). So I would suggest cutting out the part about normal speeches. Unless you could write in something about how he makes speeches often and this wasn't like most of the other speeches he had made before. Then that would work out.

His eyes opened wide, and he slowly looked down at the liquid.

*nitpick

So when you describe this whole scene, it's really good. The descriptions are spot on in my opinion. The thing that bothers me though is how he didn't notice all of this blood before. Reading through to the end I realize that the man killed his wife. Actually, I'm not totally sure of that. I'll talk about the end later. Anyway, I want to know exactly when this blood came about. Give me some indication as to if the wife is alive or not before all of this blood spilled. Surely the man would at least look at his wife while he's giving this speech, so he must have noticed something before. And if he truly is the one who killed her, give some indication that she is alive when he starts the speech.

Her chest had been stabbed repeatedly with a knife.

*where is this knife? And how can he be sure that it's a knife wound? I'm not really sure if knife wounds are completely different than other wounds, but couldn't it have been a wound from something like a lawn stake or something? My point is that you're assuming when you say it's a knife wound. Of course you as the writer know that the wound is a knife wound, but your character doesn't necessarily know it's a knife wound. In my opinion that is.

On her abs, the skin was cut off, revealing a disturbing figure. A bloody pentagram, carved into her abdominals with a knife.

*there you go with the knife again. But I also want to talk about the pentagram. You say that the skin was cut off of her abs to reveal a carved pentagram. I'm having a hard time imagining this. First because I am insanely squemish and it's grossing me out just thinking about it. Second because I can't figure out if the symbol is carved into her insides or on the skin cut off. You should make that more clear.

He stared at the remains of his wife, struggling with what he had just witnessed.

*and what exactly did he just witness? That would suggest that he watched something happen. He didn't watch it happen, he just saw the damage. So you should say "struggling with what he had just observed".

He got up, turned around, and ran to the door.

*he just sat down and now he's getting up again...I would suggest changing the sentence to something like, "He was so flustered that he couldn't stand anymore. Pushing himself out of the chair, he ran to the door". That way he now has a reason to get up and run away.

He took up his phone and called the police. He told them his wife had been murdered.

*meh, I don't like the whole thing about him calling the police. The way you've been describing his whole reaction leads me to believe that he's in total shock. I don't think that he would have enough energy left to call the police.

Alright, so about the ending. I can't tell if the man in the mirror is him or another person. I sort of get the vibe that it's the devil, but for all I know it could be him seeing the devil inside of himself. So make that more clear.

Overall this piece isn't that bad. I wasn't particularly horrified by it, but it does belong in the horror category. All I have to say is that your teacher must hate you to give you a 5 hour exam. Non none of mine have ever been more than two hours. Good luck with the final and I hope that this review helped!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




bobbywalker says...


I really appreciate it that you took the time to write this review. It helps me a great deal. This is the first draft, and I am going to change a lot of the stupid sentences that ruin the whole thing.
About the blood thing. The character is still in some kind of trance after killing his wife, when the sound of him stepping in blood awakens him to the horrors that he made.

I'll be working on this piece, because I actually liked it. I just wrote some random stuff xD

Thanks for the review.

Love, Bob Walker :D



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Wed May 29, 2013 9:53 am
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MasterGrieves wrote a review...



Mkay. Hi Robert. This is 567ajt, overseer of many a skinny White British drama queen, here to review this short story of yours, entitled The Wife. Why you've decided to title this isn't very clear, but nonetheless here we go.

I took great privilege reading your opening statement, about allowing me to absolutely destroy your story. And I have done so.

"So, review this piece of shit"

Ooooooooh yeah, I will ;)

"The room was slightly lit up by a single wax candle. It was placed on a round table, which was covered with a linen cloth. There were no windows in the room, only a door. A normal square shaped door, with ugly drawings made by kids several years in advance. It was an odd room. Everything was old, except for the wax candle. It had just been replaced."

I like these descriptions, up until "it had just been replaced". What relevance does this have to the story? Or the wife, whom we haven't seen yet? Sure if you mentioned the significance of the wax candle maybe this would be acceptable. But, what I see is you just adding that bit in as filler and fat, which isn't a good sign this early on. Miscellaneous details are not recommend in stories such as this, boo-boo.

"In the middle of the room, on each side of the round table, there were two chairs. In one of them, there was a middle-aged man, whom was nicely dressed. A black suit and a white shirt, combined with a crimson tie and pitch black shoes. His face was calm and relaxed, and he seemed at peace."

Again, I liked your descriptions, but I couldn't help but think "hmmmmmm, haven't I read this before?" And I have. I know you're not trying to make something entirely unique, but the examiner is looking for something at least a little creative. I just know that this man in a suit (it always has to be a suit hasn't it? -rolls eyes-) will end up having terrible things happen to him.

"His words were unusual, less swearing than usual. It was not a normal speech. A normal speech would suggest a normal theme. But instead, it was like a ritualistic rambling."

This paragraph needs to be cut out, dude. What's the harm by just adding "ritualistic rambling" to the next paragraph? Again this seems to just be there to fill up the word count, meaning more fat and less development.

"Suddenly, he stepped into a pool of liquid."

Hmmmm....I bet it's blood.

"The thick, dark red liquid"

YAY! Ten points for Gryffindor! :D Congratulations; you have just put the nail in the coffin of all the overused cliches in suspense stories!

"He turned towards his wife. Her lifeless body was like a ragdoll. The chair was covered in blood, and her lifeless face was pure white. He looked down at her chest, which was bloody. There was a hole in her dress, and blood was still pouring out of it. He ripped open the dress, revealing the monstrous scene. Her chest had been stabbed repeatedly with a knife. On her abs, the skin was cut off, revealing a disturbing figure. A bloody pentagram, carved into her abdominals with a knife."

I actually liked this part. Really, I did. I liked your wordplay and how her body was a "ragdoll". It added at least something fresh. However, this was all ruined with the mention of a pentagram. Why, oh why, make this something centered on Satanism/the Occult? These stories always do that!

"The man stumbled backwards, falling back into his chair. He stared at the remains of his wife, struggling with what he had just witnessed. He got up, turned around, and ran to the door. This time, when he looked at the door, he could see that there were no child drawings, but instead, signs. A combination of different signs covered the majority of free space on the door. In the middle of the door, there was a rough drawing of two people holding hands."

This abrupt sense of creepiness comes across as contrived and rushed, and really random. Leave the previous setting as it is, man. It was creepy then, and actually creative. And the "two people holding hands" is so The Shining that it makes me want to read that book instead of reading this story.

"But one of them had horns."

Why not both of them?

"The man screamed, clearly terrified."

Of course he'd be terrified. No need to add that little part in. I'd be terrified, but would I add that in? No.

"He opened the door, and started running down the dark hallway that lead away from the door. He ran up the stairs that led up to his living room, stumbling in several steps. When he saw the door he felt relieved, but when he was about to open it, he felt a strange tingling in his body. Almost as if he wanted to go back. But he pushed open the door, revealing his peaceful, normally lit up living room."

Whoa, man. You could be the next RL Stine.

"His couch, dining table, bookshelf… No blood. He felt relieved that there was nothing more. He took up his phone and called the police. He told them his wife had been murdered."

My favourite part of the whole piece. I like how you referred back to the original setting and the whole flashback thing was good. Well done.

"The police came to his house 20 minutes later. He told them to go down the stairs and to the end of the hallway. Himself, he didn’t want to go back, and the police accepted this. They went down the stairs, towards his wife. The man went to the bathroom to change clothes. After all, he was almost covered in blood."

Don't you mean "go to the bedroom"? Who has a wardrobe in the bathroom? It's not as if someone occupies the bedroom, is it?

"In the bathroom, he looked at the mirror. His suit was covered in blood, with few clean spots remaining. He took of his jacket and threw it in the shower cabinet. Suddenly, he remembered something."

Remembered what? :O

"He had only stepped in the blood."

Oh.
-.-
All *that*, for him stepping in blood?

"His body paralyzed, and he slowly lifted his head from the floor. Slowly, he saw the reflection of himself. The shirt soaking wet, covered in his wife’s blood. When he could see his face, it felt like the whole world stopped."

Wait, what?
You've just made him have a friggin' flashback because he stepped in a tiny smear of blood? Why are you so quick to not acknowledge this? And just move on?

"In the reflection, he did not see the troubled face of a man that had lost his wife. The bloody face in the mirror stared back at him. The man in the mirror, who was now staring at him, had two horns on his head. And the man was… Smiling…"

He's the Devil. Fantabulous.

Ok....so....I reviewed as harshly as I could.

If you think about what the examiner may think, I think there's too much stuff going on. And the whole "being the devil" thing at the end isn't a twist, more like a disappointment. Also, there are too many cliches in here. I just know, for example, the liquid would be blood.
So please, try and use more unique language.

Aside from a few paragraphs, I did not enjoy this piece as much as I would have liked. So, I am going to award you with a strong 3 to a light 4.

3/10




bobbywalker says...


Great review, will talk closer in chat with you



bobbywalker says...


great, i changed my mind, it really sucks cock! :D



bobbywalker says...


Wow, that was a YWS rape... I din't even know that could happen lol. Woooooow!




Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.
— Ron, Parks & Rec