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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Mr. Wolf

by ChubakaWooky


MR. WOLF

Mr. Wolf, how can I trust you?
You have bitten me twice,
Once for everytime we met.
The first time, I understand,
You were sick and trying to defend yourself.
The second time, I do not.
Your mother died.
I presented myself bearing gifts,
Of meat, water, and friendship.
All to distract you from your loss,
All to take you away from despair,
All to comfort you to know that I am there.
You took none of these gifts.
You rejected the meat and savored you grief,
You rejected the water and waded into the shallows of despair,
You rejected my friendship and forgot who I was.
It was then that you bit me a second time.
So, Mr. Wolf,
How can I trust you,
When you neglect my emotions and my gifts,
As well as your right to not be held captive by the past?
-SC (my initials)

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305 Reviews

Points: 431
Reviews: 305

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Thu May 30, 2013 1:49 am
speakerskat wrote a review...



Hey there Chewy

Why do you put your initials on your work ? Just curious... I don't cause mine would be MM so it would look like I'm saying mmmm lol XD

I really liked this and I liked how you used the whole "Once bitten, twice shy." Quote in here, sort of intertwined in the lines of the poem and mentioned a little more vividly in the beginning and end of your poem.

I also like how this particular poem wasn't broken up into stanzas... for this poem it just felt more natural.

However, I did not understand the last line. It just left me really confused :/ .

Nice poem and keep it up!
~Kat




ChubakaWooky says...


Well i cant explain it because I'm not sure I know the meaningmyself.



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304 Reviews

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Reviews: 304

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Wed May 29, 2013 4:19 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here to review your piece. Firstly, welcome to YWS!

Now, I loved the simplicity of your poem! It is really refreshing!

Spelling, grammar and punctuation:
Spelling was perfect, except for dispair, which should be despair. Grammar was good and punctuation fair, but I would love to see a little more spice in punctuation. I would, for example, place a dash at the end of your second line to tie the explanation in, or perhaps even a colon. So spice it up with a bit of variety!

Poeticism:
Your work is more narrative than descriptive and extremely simple in construction and message, so I'm not too worried about metaphors and alliteration in here — it would spoil the story.

Lineation:
Good in almost all the cases. Just look at a few lines that are much longer than the others, like the fifth line. Try to rephrase them to cut down on the length.

Word choice:
Good, but when you get to this...

You rejected the meat and savored you grief,
You rejected the water and waded into the shallows of dispair,
You rejected my friendship and forgot who I was.
It was then that you bit me a second time.

you used a lot more complex words. Not a bad thing in itself, but it makes the wolf's simple emotions melodramatic and soppy. So keep it short and concise. But not bad at all, you know! If you had written an entire poem in the same tone it would have worked better.

Theme:
Fantastic. I worked at an animal shelter and we once got in an emaciated wolf hybrid. It was terrified of all the other staff members, but because I was smaller and less powerful, it allowed me to work with it and train it. It was very timid, though, and would have bitten me if it became frightened. You communicated that whole type of situation so well in this simple style :) Great job.

Well, that is the end of my review :) I'm curious to see the next installment!

Keep writing!
barefootrunner




ChubakaWooky says...


Actually, I think you will be surprised to know that this poem actually points out how humans act like wild animals under certain circumstances. If you replace the animalistic words like Mr. Wolf, bite, and defend with actions more common to humans, both versions will mean the same thing. In fact, I wrote this in responce to things my girlfriend did! (I forgave her completely by the way.)





I didn't even see that! *face-palms* I think it would work better if I read all your pieces and then interpreted it. But great job on that too!



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160 Reviews

Points: 246
Reviews: 160

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Tue May 28, 2013 7:24 pm
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Rurouni wrote a review...



Ohhh!
I am a personal fan of wolves.
I have to say, this is really good, and I like it!
I like how you say what happened when he rejected the gifts.
I hope you continue!
This is really cool, and I want to read more!
I love the last line the most, it gives a sense of almost a zoo animal, held captive by its future, or present, but here, the wolf is a captive of its past.
Well Done!
Thanks,
pegasusgirl2




ChubakaWooky says...


Thank you! I'm really glad that you enjoyed it. This is the first of 7 as i said in the description and I plan on posting more when I get more points.




I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe