Young Writers Society

I really liked this because it was all about just one thing, one person. The only thing that bothered me was the rhythm, I didn't know how I should read it to make it easier to read because it felt like there was some sort of fluctuation in your lines.

She walks with stitched and frayed attire;

A shredded ribbon

adorns her fair pale hair

Hi there Wordsandwishes ^-^ Happy review day! (yayy for Tsunami Tyrants!) Alrightyroo, I’m here to give you a review and maybe some personal opinions and all that pretty stuff, so here it is:
THIS. IS. AMAZING.
Your writing style and word-usage is so much like mine! I can really appreciate someone who shares the same atmosphere as me lololol I don’t know what to say. I just felt really connected to this piece. It sounds like something I’ve written before lol
Powerful, entrancing, beautiful piece! I’m simply stunned and don’t know how to give you advice :p There’s nothing I can say to help you improve it, aside from telling you to keep writing!
I’m really looking forward to more of your work ^-^ Good luck!

~Catnip

This is a powerful poem. At the beginning it reminds me of when in those movies there's a woman walking with an explosion behind her, and then when you say
"a painful sight to see," (the coma should go before the quotes) they say"
I think of a scared soldier that is mocked for her heroics.
Then I reread it, and I see the line
"Like the blood she no longer bleeds."
and I think, hey, what, is she a zombie?
anyway, My first impression, power, was a good one, and the other ones only added to it. I love the descriptions, especially... well, all of it. I really don't have any complaints. Just, if she's not a zombie, make sure she doesn't sound like one, and if she is, make sure we know that.
keep writing!

Hello, fellow tryant! I'm Spark, leader of tsunami and I'm here to review this wonderful poem of yours.
First off,
Very impressive poem. It put me in the mind of someone who was abused by her family, and always got blamed for everything, but ran away and discovered herself inside. However, there are a few general things I think could improve it tremendously. For one thing, it's quite short, isn't it? I have a love/hate relationship with this aspect of it. On one hand, it leaves so much to the imagination, which I love. I love when the author trusts the reader enough to imagine what the story is trying to say rather than being told. But then again, I feel like a lot of the beauty of this poem is lost in the sparingness of it. For instance, we don't know why she doesn't bleed anymore. We just know she doesn't. We don't know people fought to break her down and didn't succeed. And I'd really like to know these things. Why not tell us? You have such a beautiful writing voice, I'd love to hear more about this girl.

I didn't notice any grammatical errors, which is fabulous! Just think about my suggestion about expanding the poem, okay? Because it's so great already, I want to make it grand!

~~Spark

Hey there, I see you wrote a poem.

I think you have a pretty decent idea here. I picture a girl who looks very world-weary and like she's been beaten a lot walking with her head held high in front of her former oppressors/abusers. That's cool. But I think you could do better.

You have here a very simple description. It's straightforward, it's written with simple vocabulary, it's very play-by-play. Nothing inherently wrong with it. But I dunno, when I write a poem, I want people to really think and feel. I don't get that from this.

I suggest you take this poem and flesh it out consider these things:

1. What does the girl look like? And I don't mean just her "fair pale hair". I mean the lines in her face, the bags under her eyes, the scars and wounds, the smudge of dirt on the bridge of her nose. Paint me a picture of this girl who no longer bleeds she has been so destroyed.

2. What was done to her to make her this way? Okay, they sought to break her down. For what? What does or did she stand for? How did she feel? Why was is necessary to try to break her? They failed to ruin her, you say. How? Did they give up because she was too strong? Did they realise they were wrong? Tell me.

3. Make me feel something. Make me loathe the people who wronged her, or make me cry at the thought of her struggle. She no longer bleeds, you say, and that's incredibly powerful. Make me feel pain for her.

Do you see what I mean? You have a skeleton of a poem here, but that's not good enough. Take your idea and make me feel. Convince me. Use better words than "pale" and "shredded". Use some metaphor. Show, don't tell. Once you do that, you'll have a much better piece.

Keep writing!

-Tori

Good poem, almost flawless. One thing I should point out is that the first letters I the the stanzas have to be capitalized. I like the poem itself. It's not bad as I have said before. It's very short in leghth but that doesn't really mater. All in all you have done very well here. Some others may not realize it. I urge you to keep up this good work!
~Dark

Okay, hey Word! Black here for a quick review!

First off I'm going to announce what a nice piece you have here. (Not that I expected any less from you). Your wording is unique and interesting, and the idea is well written in (I keep getting this really annoying feeling that every word and line of this poem has some hidden meaning relating to something in real life that I am incapable to pin down). Usually I don't do poetry, but I'll do what I can here.

If you had any mistakes (Your grammar and spelling are spotless), these are them:

A walking martyr to this day

she turns the other cheek.

A shredded ribbon

adorns her fair pale hair

like the blood she no longer bleeds.

They sought to break her down but still

she walks with a head held high;

Daring them to try

once again to ruin her.

"A painful sight to see", they say

Wow! You really have some talent! Well done, this is really good. I love how you structured your poem.