Young Writers Society

Hey there~ Hannah here. I'm stopping by to give you some reviews you were promised through the Secret Santa program but didn't receive. You're getting them now, so Merry Christmas! I'm like the aunt that sends over packages a month late. haha. Let's see...

I was really pleased with the beginning of this poem. I usually don't like rhyming poems because it's so easy for them to go astray and force words in just for the sake of rhyming, but the beginning of this is REALLY lovely. It almost was lovely enough to make me skim right past the rhythm that messed up every last line of the stanza:

yet the dandelion stands

yet the dandelion stands, a waiting game.

Hey Horus. Sorry for taking forever.

First things first: "Moves" and "resolute" do not rhyme the way I pronounce them. Considering you have an ABBCC rhyme scheme, that first verse reading as ABBCD is quite jarring. Also in the first stanza you have an internal rhyme thanks to your repeated words, which isn't repeated. Makes for a very different stanza, structurally, then the rest of the poem.

I find this poem cute but lacking a strong purpose till the last two stanzas, which was a bit late for me. I had a feeling it was metaphorical, but that metaphor didn't have any purpose till those last two stanzas.

If you're going to tell me a story in a poem, I prefer having a purpose to the story within the first stanza or two, just so the poem doesn't feel like it's prattling on (like you have here). Then the purpose of the poem is clearly established, and the words have weight to them.

Right now, you have pretty words that flow nicely, have decent meter, and are generally pleasant to read. But I'm not sure I'm a fan of the long payoff for what the metaphor is. This could be because I haven't reviewed good poetry in a long time, but had I not been requested to review this piece I probably would've gotten bored.

Now, this is rather clever and I like the metaphor of a dandelion for a stubborn lover. That is not something I have ever seen and it is what makes this poem memorable. I applaud you for that.

But it feels long, to me. Without the purpose I got bored midway through until you tossed in the lover at the end. The line about souls around wasn't enough to give a clue for why the dandelion stayed. If you made the opening situation a bit clearer, then you'd have some weight to the words and this poem would be much better.

Hope this helps. Again, sorry for the long wait. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hey Horus! I don't always review poetry, but when I do... wait, no. I'll just stop there. It's hard for me to review such a well written piece without simply praising it over and over. I'm going to try to do my best to be constructive here, and not just gush over this poem.

This line stood out to me,

the sun will soon remove the fray.

This poem had a very small break in the rhythm when I read it. It was barely noticeable, but it was there. It happens at 'remove'. The long 'o' sound carries on too long here. It's probably just my pronunciation.

The poem over all was just so readable it's hard for me to pick out anything that needs work. The theme is clear, the poem is easily readable, and the rhythm is nearly dead on. You use beautiful imagery to tell your story. This is one of the best poems I've read. Nicely done!

Oh my...this is by far one of my favorite poems I've read on here. It was so smooth and flowed together quite nicely. I had a few ideas, but thewritersdream already beat me to them. I don't have much other to say, other than this is wonderful. When you put something else on here, please, please let me know.

I like this poem^^Please check out my simple kiddo poetry about colors.Keep up the good work^^

Hey!! I like to review from stanza to stanza whenever I review poems that have them, so here I go!

First Stanza: I really like this, I always like the use of "souls" and I think it fit that part really well. It's beautiful. But watch out, "turfs of grass" is what I think you meant. "Reminders of the day to day" I think that this could be "reminding of the day to day" because what I think you are trying to say is that it is just like that everyday,so, "reminding" is saying it reminds one of the day to day, currently. But not too sure on that one, and that Stanza has a mystic beauty about it.

Second Stanza: I loved the first part of this, it just rolls off the tongue really well, and it creates a beautiful picture in ones head. I do have a suggestion though for "Some do lift and float beyond" I would change that to "Some they lift and carry on" (which stays with your rhyming pattern) or I would change that to "Some are swept and float beyond" or even "Some are lifted and float beyond". Because the reader needs to know that the brushing of the wind is lifting it, and I think using the wind more personally (with "they") helps the reader have the image in their head of some lifting up. As for the last line I was thinking "yet the dandelion stands for it's never gone" I think it stays with the pace you have going pretty well so, yeah.

Third Stanza: So, "and with it, all color starts to fade" I would suggest "and with it, bright colors start to fade"
Then for the last line I think that this would be better "yet the dandelion stands, it's a waiting game. Just "a waiting game" can confuse the reader a bit, and seems a bit out of place.

Forth Stanza: My suggestion would be to start with something other than "The" in order to sort of "spice up" the poem as I would say, make it more different. So my suggestion would be:
"As spring comes next,
they start to pray, -- I think it's okay to just say what they are doing, they seem to pray means that someone is looking at them thinking, 'they must be praying' so I think it's okay to just say that. (This is just my opinion though.)
the sun will soon remove the fray," the rest is really good. And good rhyming!

Fifth Stanza: "still there today" everytime I read it, I always think it says "still here today" but I think "still there today" works fine, I just can't think of it. Haha but, just for easy reading I would suggest you say "there today" just cut it short. I've tried it and I think it works pretty well.
"Yet the boy went back for love's object" this is sweet it sounds like it was for his love. I just suggest you add "had". "Yet the boy had went back for love's object," since the dandelion is still standing. Or is it standing only in memories?

Sixth Stanza: Ahhh... so it was for his love! But why does he still live in solitude? that's so sad. I would just suggest you end it with "but, now the dandelion stands, to tell the truth."

Overall it was really good. I liked the rhythm and some of the imagery was really just captivating and made you feel like you were among the wild flowers and the grass noticing that there was one dandelion that refused to give up. And I wonder if that could have something to do with the message of the poem, or a possible message one could take from the poem, that the dandelion was love that the boy did not want to give up on, it was the hope for him, and the hope lived on, for the dandelion still stands to tell the truth. Well done!