Published May 25, 2013
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137,676 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hey there! I'm June,
I usually find repetition in poetry disagreeable, but here I found it quite the opposite. I liked the way you structured it and incorporated a rhyming line. It made for a rather cute poem on the whole.
I don't think the ending stanza does justice to your poem, however. "Just act like you knew" fits the rhyme scheme, but it disrupts the overall flow of the poem by relying on the following line to deliver a single message, which implies a rather rushed ending to the poem instead of a graceful tying up of ideas into the ending.
Otherwise, I found it quite enjoyable. I have to ask, though, aside from the fellow writer, what was the inspiration behind this poem?
June
My inspiration was my friend Speakerskat
Hey Mindblown,
Here I think the rhymes work much more in your favor!
But I like it, it's refreshing.
I actually really like this poem XD I thought it was really cute and had a childlike/lullaby quality to it. The blue turtle image really fits with this sort of daydream quality to it, and it's really got a soothing sort of rhythm as well!
One thing I would do to improve this poem is to go through each line and double check your tenses. The last stanza in particular was jarring because you started in past tense: Act like you knew that I am by your side -- so your verbs: act / knew/ am are all in disagreement with one another. I think throughout the poem there are disagreements in verb tenses, so I wasn't sure what you were going for in that sense. You could fix it in the previous example simply by changing am to was, though!
Again, you've got a real simple style
Keep writing.
~ as always, Audy
Aw thanks so much ;') I'm so glad we are friends! I'm here for you too! I can definatley personally pull meaning from this and I understand what you are talking about entirley. No none has ever written a poem for or about me and I'm really touched! Rhyming and punctuation were all perfect! This was really lovley ! I love how you said "Little turtle blue" instead of little blue turtle . It just sounds better. You are an amazing poet MindBlown, and not just about this poem, all your poetry is really really good!
Aww thanks