It was night and the rain had stopped leaving the ground smelling new and clean. A wind blew and along with it came the cool of autumn. Only a few lights were still on in the facility where Jacob Bradley worked, it was late and most everyone had gone home after finishing their research for the day. Jacob, however, had a special place at the facility. While the other men and women worked curing disease or studying history and mathematics he was a creator. Most thought he was there studying cloning, creating plant hybrids. But the Leader had harnessed his talent and genius to a different task, creating human life. He did not create just anyone, the country had not come to cloning humans or growing testtube children just yet. That proved to have failed in too many societies. He had been charged his whole life with making only two children, the first he made in his younger days, fresh out of university nearly sixty years ago. This second one he had been carefully crafting for six years. The DNA had to be perfect, her brain filled with the proper material, her conditioning impeccable and her appearance uniform. Tonight he was finished.
Jacob himself had been something of a child prodigy, learning instruments at five, finishing junior high textbooks at eight and finishing high school at thirteen. the Leader had noticed this and paid his parents to send him to many specific schools after that, each university teaching him a different aspect of cloning, gene creation, and decanting children. Few adults let alone children every made it to these private institutes, but Jacob finished when he was twenty and was instantly put to work. The Leader had approached him at his commencement, had shook his hand firmly and bruskly. He made an offer that now that Joseph looked back on it, was more like a command.
“You know Jacob you’re a promising young man.”
“Thank you sir I’ve worked hard all my life.”
“Yes I know that and it’s why I saw fit to bring you to where you are today.” Jacob had looked at him with his brow furrowed and pursed his lips. He had gotten himself were he was today, the only way the Leader had helped was through funding. Regardless this was an honor and if he were to get a job working for the most powerful man in this hemisphere then he would keep quiet. “I want to ask you something Jacob, do you think you would be interested in coming to work for my research center. We’ve got a position that we need filled... immediately.” Jacob smiled and loosened his tie, it had been cinched by his mother tightly around his neck the entire event and he felt now like he was choking. He had worked all his life for a job offer like this, only the colony’s best and brightest went off to work at the facility. Now was his chance to join the ranks of the few elite who worked directly under the Leader. Had he wanted more than this, wasn’t this future decided for him? Forced on him? What about his dream of music and composition, what about marriage and children? He knew none of those things would come to him working like he would have to, fifteen hours a day seven days a week at the least. “Jacob my boy, you’re in a different world I think, would you like to take the job or not? Final offer.” The Leader was bluffing, he would continue to offer this job to this boy until he accepted because Jacob Bradley was the man he needed and the only one with the brains and the skill that the job required. But no one could deny him and his power was infinite.
“Yes, yes. I-I’ll take it. When do I start?” Jacob stuttered over his words and as he said them he felt like his chest was filled with water and he almost heard the sound of any future of his own devising crumble and crack. But he had seen his mother making her way to him through the crowd and he thought of her old and dying and trying to take care of her on a musicians budget.
“Glad to hear it!” The Leader clapped Jacob on the shoulder and he winced. “You can start tomorrow, when I said we are in desperate need of this position, I was not exaggerating.” He smiled, a toothy smile that stopped at his cheeks and fell dead and cold at his blue eyes. Jacob coughed.
“What exactly, precisely, will I be doing?” Jacob looked at his mother, she was almost there, she smiled at him and this smile did reach her eyes and they were damp. She clutched a soiled handkerchief in her left hand.
“You’ll be doing what you learned about, creating children. Well, a child.”
“What, you-we; the colony, they actually make children now?”
“Only one child Jacob, and it’s been many, many years since they started the procedure. We just ask for one infant designed very specifically, a girl. You’ll come by tomorrow, I will fill you in.” And just like that he slipped into the crowd and Jacob felt his mother hand on his wrist. He was confused, dazed even, but not as much as he expected he would have been. He could do that. He could make a child, he had learned the basic science behind it and he could fill in the rest.
“I am so, happy for you Jake.” She whispered in her usual soft and sweet voice, Jacob hugged his mother close and exhaled the upset and panic that had slowly set in.
“I’ve even got a job mama. I start tomorrow.”
The memory ended as the small machine monitoring the infant began to beep, slowly at first and then with more urgency. He walked slowly over to it, his back stooped from years of working bent over beakers and books. The beep stopped with the press of a button and he inhaled a slow ragged breath, his mother was long dead but would she have been proud to know what he had done with his life? She only knew he worked for the facility, she only knew his position was one of the highest but she did not know what he was making or what fate he was sending his creations off to. He reached into the embryonic fluid grimacing at how warm and thick it was, his hands wrapped around the small child floating asleep in the midst of it all blissfully unaware of the reality that she was about to be pulled into. Jacob lifted her out of the liquid and her eyes opened, impossibly large and round with whitish grey pupils. She opened her small mouth and began a shrill rasping cry and he pressed a small intercom button, calling in the nurse that would take the little girl away and keep her safe until her departure.
He looked at her one more time and touched her white hair, there was quite a lot of it, the last girl had looked different but somehow the same, they all did. The trademark white hair and skin, reflective gray eyes. Jacob picked up a white towel from his desk and wrapped the baby in it, her wet cries quieted but did not stop. He had made a second one successfully with all the knowledge and preconceived ideas that were required. She would be able to speak nearly every current and ancient language, she would understand math and science at a glance. Retaining information would be nothing to her and she would never desire more than the lot she was given in her life. The child that he held in his arms would be smarter than even he was in a matter of years. He wished someone had conditioned him also to never want anything other than he was dealt. A woman dressed in the nurse’s uniform was standing in the doorway now backlit from the hallway, she held out her arms for the girl.
“I can take her now mister Bradley if you don’t mind.” He nodded and walked over placing the child in her extended arms. He turned away and began to walk back to his desk. “Wait Bradley, what should we call her?” The woman asked, he thought he could detect a note of sadness in her voice, mimicked in his own as he answered.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello. Here as requested.
You start this work with what is known as an info dump. Info dumps are rather boring to read, and when you combine an info dump with a flashback, then there tends to be an overwhelming sense of "why didn't you start the story there?" and "okay, so what, where's the story?"
You had an interesting first sentence, but the rest of the first paragraph gets mildly repetitive but it was somewhat interesting. I wanted to find out what he was creating and the results. That's when you cut to a long explanation of his history, and I quickly start to lose interest because I wanted to find out about the child he was creating, not where he came from.
Beginning are absolutely critical because you have to snag interest, which you did do albeit rather slowly, then you have to keep interest. You have to keep getting readers to ask the question, "what's next?" so that they'll read past the first paragraph to the next. You can never forget that readers need to be hooked constantly.
Chances are, the information you're providing at the beginning is unneeded. Cut it out and see if anybody gets confused. I sure wouldn't be. All I'd know is he's in his eighties or nineties, and has always been working for this particular company in the same department. That's all I really need to know to get a snapshot of his character.
You reveal character slowly, over the course of the novel. You don't stuff everything the reader needs to know about the character at the beginning. Chances are, by the time that knowledge becomes critical to know, readers will have forgotten it and you'll need to bring it up again anyway. Thin out the information so you don't have huge paragraphs of it at a time. Then the story is more balanced and doesn't have any one part that has all the information that people are forced to slog through.
My rule of thumb is that you should only reveal information when readers are asking questions about the situation. If there's no question about that particular piece of information, then you leave it hidden. This might mean you don't have any particular pieces of information ever show up in the story, but the story will be better for it.
Overall, I unfortunately couldn't get very far in this. You took too long of a side track to discuss Jacob's history for me to stay interested in the piece. I wanted to know more about the child, the hook you'd originally given me, but you just didn't follow up.
Keep it interesting, and focus more on moving the story forward instead of giving us a huge amount of backstory. Then you'll have a much stronger story.
PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hi Tabithalillian, CM here to to return the favor.
First of all, I think that the description in this was awesome, you didn't overload it like most people tend to do. Secondly, I agree with comrie on the fact that you didn't use to many info dumps. The worst thing in the world is reading a first chapter, with so much info you just know they've given away all their story line. So, summing up the positives, I think the story line was good, the vocab excellent and the info dumps virtually zero. *thumbs up*
Now, down to the gritty stuff.
I know you've heard this from everyone else, but I had to say it. The big blocks of text made me want to cringe. I know it's not your fault, but I reckon it would have flowed much better if you broke it up.
Now, I like to read pace and suspense books, that hook you on the first line with something mysterious or engrossing. Maybe I'm too illiterate but I don't think the start of this chapter was hooking enough. Rain falling. After I read that, I seriously hoped there'd be some action or suspense. I'm not sure, maybe it's just me as no one else has picked up on it yet.
There where some grammatical errors but comrie has pointed out quite enough of them
Some of the speech felt a bit surreal, not natural I guess. Like I said though, only some of it. I also don't think we got enough of a feel for Jacob. Sure we got told information but we didn't get a feel for his personality, maybe we'll see it in Part 2?
Overall, I'm curious on a lot of things and hope to read more.
Hope this was helpful,
~CM
Thanks for the awesome review! Really really helpful and motivating. I'll work on beefing up Jacobs character!
Hey Tabitha! :]
So I have to say, I didn't know what to expect.
Very nice premise. The detailing in this piece was wonderful. I admire people who can write descriptions in a way that it's not too much and it still flows nicely. Your bits of Jacob's background were great. What I mean is, you weren't info-dumping on the reader. Learning about Jacob bit by bit is important. Overloading (basically info-dumping) is simply unappealing. So great job in avoiding the dreaded info-dumps!
I'm interested in Jacob's family. I know he has a mother, who has passed away, but is there anyone else? I can't help but think of her as frail and delicate in my mind, for some reason. I like Jacob's determination in trying to provide for his mother. It's obvious he cares about her thoughts even long after her death. That's nice to see in a character. He also seems very motivated in his studies.
There a lot of things I'm curious about in this world. I mean, colony. What's the purpose of the cloning? And children? So they can grow up and work for the Leader? As a part of an army? Or just as something for the Leader to keep? I want to know so badly, haha! It all sounds so cool and wow. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that maybe the Leader is some sort of sinister guy. That he plans to use Jacob's intelligence for something horrible. Although it might be too early for me to predict.
I'm crazy curious to find out if there's any significance with this infant girl. The way the Leader was asking for her creation seemed... shady. Hmm. I wonder.
I only noticed problems in grammar and some punctuation. Few typos but hopefully I've listed them down below somewhere. Know that you don't have to take any of my suggestions. You can take them or you can leave them. Your choice =P
Some editing suggestions--
A comma would fit nicely after "stopped."
I think this sentence should be split up. Instead of a comma after "worked," add a period, so that it makes: "Only a few lights were still on in the facility where Jacob Bradley worked. It was late and mostly everyone had gone home after finishing their research for the day."
A comma after "mathematics."
Maybe you can replace the comma here with a colon. So it can read, "But the Leader had harnessed his talent and genius to a different task: creating human life." I say this because the colon sort of introduces Jacob's prime task. Does that make sense? If you need clarification, just ask me!
I think a semicolon would best fit after "anyone." This is mostly because you use semicolons to separate two sentences where there's no conjunction, or where it might have been left out. That might be my personal opinion though. I'll make sure to check back with my grammar book (once I get it back)!
Try rewording this sentence, or maybe breaking it up. Like it can be "He had been charged his whole life with making only two children--the first he made in his younger days when he was fresh out of university nearly sixty years ago and the second one he had been carefully crafting for six years." It you feel like that's too long, which I understand, you can try breaking it up: "He had been charged his whole life with making only two children. The first he made in his younger days when he was fresh out of university nearly sixty years ago, and the second he had been carefully crafting for six years." You can switch it up, if you want, and add stuff.
Capitalize the first letter in the sentence. Separate "The Leader had noticed this and paid his parents to send him to many specific schools after that, each university teaching him a different aspect of cloning, gene creation, and decanting children." Maybe write it out like "The Leader had noticed this and paid his parents to send him to many specific schools after that. Each university taught him a different aspect of cloning, gene creation, and decanting children."
I think a "--" should be added, but that may be my personal preference. (I tend to go crazy on them with my own stuff.) I say this because the "let alone children" part needs to be separated a bit. So maybe: "Few adults--let alone children---ever made it to these private institutes, but Jacob finished at the prime age of twenty. He was then instantly put to work."
Oh, and also change "every" to "ever." I added that in my suggestion sentence, lol.
You mean "briskly." Maybe: "The Leader had approached him at his commencement, briskly shaking his hand with a firm grip."
Only a few commas need to be added. So: "You know, Jacob, you're a promising young man."
"Thank you, sir. I've worked all my life."
"Yes, I know that, and that's precisely why I saw fit to bring you to where you are today."
"Where" instead of "were." Maybe: "He had gotten himself where he was today. The only way the Leader had helped was solely through funding."
Maybe: "I want to ask you something, Jacob. Do you think you would be interested in coming to work for my research center. We've got a position that we need filled... immediately."
Try: "Jacob smiled and loosened his tie. It had been tightly cinched around hiss neck by his mother the entire event and he now felt like he was choking."
Try breaking up this sentence. Maybe: "He had worked all his life for a job offer like this. Only the colony's best and brightest went off to work at the facility."
I think all of these questions should be their own sentence. Like "Hadn't he wanted more than this? Wasn't this future decided for him? Forced on him? What about his dream of music and composition? What about marriage and children?"
"Jacob, my boy, you're in a different world, I think. Would you like to take the job or not? Final offer."
"You can start tomorrow. When I said that we are in desperate need of this position, I was not exaggerating."
So exactly and precisely basically mean the same thing. So there's no need to use both of them in the same area =P Out of the two, I'd knock out "precisely." So it'll be "What exactly will I be doing?"
Also, what does it mean that she was almost there? That she was close to reaching where he and the Leader stood? If that's what you meant, then maybe try: "Jacob looked at his mother, who was quickly closing in on him and the Leader. She smiled a smile the reached her eyes. He was even able to see the dampness in her eyes." Or something. You don't have to use exactly what I've written, if you don't want to, lol. Make it your own.
Maybe: "You'll be doing what you've spent most of your life learning about: creating children. Well, creating a child."
Maybe: "What--you--we; the colony can actually make children now?"
I'm not sure about the use of a semicolon here to be honest, which is why I've left it there. I don't know if it should be taken out completely. But if it were to be taken out completely, then something else would have to be in its place. This is where my grammar book would most def help out, lol.
Maybe: "Only one child, Jacob. Keep in mind that it's been many, many years since they've started the procedure. We just ask for one infant designed. To be specific, the infant needs to be a girl. You'll come by tomorrow and I will fill you in then."
Also, his mother's hand.
Maybe: "He could make a child. After all, he had already learned the basic science behind it. The rest can be filled in later." Or something. It's really up to you, Tab.
I think you should lose the comma when she's telling Jake's she's happy for him. And also a comma before "she." And end the sentence after "voice" by adding a period after it.
Like: "I am so happy for you, Jake," she whispered in her usual soft and sweet voice. Jacob hugged his mother close and exhaled the upsetting feeling and panic that had slowly set in."
Just a comma after job =P
Separate this sentence, so maybe: "The beep stopped with the press of a button and he inhaled a slow ragged breath. His mother was long dead, but he often wondered if she would have been proud to know what he had done with his life."
Break this sentence up. Maybe: "He reached into the embryonic fluid, grimacing at how warm and thick it was. His hands wrapped around the small child floating asleep in the midst of it all, blissfully unaware of the reality that she was about to be pulled into."
She would be able to speak nearly every current and ancient language, she would understand math and science at a glance.
Maybe add "what" after "want anything other than"
I think this sentence could be rearranged a bit. Maybe: "A woman dressed in the nurse's uniform was standing in the doorway, which was now backlit from the hallway. She held out her arms for the girl."
Capitalize "mister." So: "I can take her now, Mister Bradley, if you don't mind."
And for the second sentence, I think adding "to the nurse" after "over" would be fine. So: "He nodded and walked over to the nurse, placing the child in her extended arms."
Maybe: "Wait, Bradley. What should we call her?" the woman asked. He thought he could detect a note of sadness in her voice. That same sadness was mimicked in his own voice as he answered, "Oddney. Her name is Oddney."
Try separating this sentence. So it might be like: "The nurse nodded and the door clicked shut as she stepped out. Jacob listened to the sound of her heels as they clicked and clacked against the white floors." I know I've added some of my own things, so feel free to ignore them if you want!
Okay, done with that. Sorry about the length. I don't know if I've missed anything, but if I have, sorry for that too.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this. I can't wait to see what's in store!
Oh my goodness you are wonderful! Lengthy reviews are the best the hep me improve the most! Thanks so much!
Hiya!
I didn't really notice anything wrong with this besides the lack of proper spacing. It was kinda difficult to read with the paragraphs blocked together like this.
Overall, it seems fine. Keep up the good work!
Oh thank you so much, i've tried to fix that issue. I thought I had fixed it when I submitted but I guess I didn't save it!
Wow, this is good. The only complaint I have is that on the internet you should space the paragraphs out more to make them easier to read.
Other than that, the description was vivid,the flow was smooth and consistent, I could hardly find any mistakes. It looked like even the grammar was pretty damn up to par--i suck at it.
There was one part in the beginning where the dialogue could use a little smoothing out. And because the paragraphs are built so thick and blocky it was hard for me to jump into it at first.
But damn, I can see this easily as a book. It's probably the best writing I've seen today. Please write more
Thanks very much! That gives me drive to keep writing this. I am so sorry about the paragraphs I've tried to fix it, i'm like a grandmother when it comes to formatting for the internet. I'll post the next section soon!