z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wooden Spears

by speakerskat


Wooden Spears

The island was a diminutive and desolate wasteland when the original settlers found it in the late 1600’s. That pretty much summed up the people’s hopes too, minute and desperate. However, there’s always something that is special, a sliver of hope, her name was Silvia. At only eight, she saw potential in this little rock. The potential that set the foundation for generations of happy Silvians, The potential that changed one boy’s life forever. This is the story of the Wooden Spears.

Chapter One: First Born

Joel's palms were sweating, tightly gripping the wooden stick in his hand. He felt his breath go in and out, in and out, and his vision dimmed into darkness as he concentrated on the target. Imagine, he thought. Everybody is watching you. Only you can hit it. He was the center of attention, he could feel his hand shake as he thought of the crowds. Whispers were all around him in the darkness: Throw the javelin, Joel. We're counting on you, Joel. Without thinking twice about it, he felt his hand move on its own; he felt his arms pull back and throw the wooden javelin in the air with strength he didn't know he possessed, and he watched, oh, he watched it fly and land on...

"Hah, you missed again! And that Savannah is why only the eldest son or daughter of each family can participate in the competition! Half Pint here will never be as skilled as me " Aren taunted him as the javelin stuck haphazardly out of the roof.

I’d like to see you do any better!” Joel mumbled bitterly.

The two brothers couldn’t be more different, Aren is tall and broad shouldered with thick blond hair and green eyes that always have a mischievous glint to them. Plus, he is quite a formable Javelin thrower.

Joel, on the other hand, couldn’t throw a Wooden Spear to save his life.He attributes that solely to the fact that only the eldest child receives training for the competitions. He’s average height and quite skinny with his tosseled hair and boyish complexion. His face is always some shade of red and he is usually quite soft spoken. However, his vivid icey eyes can transfix anyone, an extreme contrast to his brother’s murky diluted color. He is quite odd, for just by staring into his eyes could give him a keen insight into your deepest thoughts, but he has never told anyone about this.

Oh, just watch me!” Aren said as he took aim and threw.Thunk!

Joel caught a slight smile from Savannah as Aren just barely missed the center of the target. Joel had seen that same mischievous smile before.

Aw, what a shame Aren.” she said with fake innocence, “My turn! Joel, if you please?”

She held out her hand and Joel tossed her her spear. It is an elegantly crafted piece for a stick of wood.It’s a shame mine looks more like a tree root… She is quite the sight with her long brown hair pulled back in a braid and her chestnut eyes. She can run faster, throw harder, and jump higher than almost every female athlete on the island.Even with a population of only 300 that’s impressive! Since each team for the Wooden Spears competition had to have two players to compete, she had joined up with Aren under the team name Fortis!

Aren,” she said pointing to the center of the target, “I’m going to hit it right smack dab in the middle, if not then I owe you ten bucks. If I do, then you owe me. What do you say, deal?”

Sure, but it’s your loss!” Aren was always this egotistical, whether it was about the Javelin or something else, oblivious of the fact that he had never won a bet with Savannah.

As Savannah threw, Joel took a deep breath in and closed his eyes . He thought back to when Savannah had first come to Silvia Island. Joel had only been five years old then. Aren had been practicing his throws in the front yard for when he would be old enough to compete which was at age thirteen. A bored Joel sat on his front porch ideally doodling his surroundings on his sketch pad and watching his brother’s failed attempts. He was fixed on trying to draw a little Blue Jay that just would not hold still when a truck pulled into the vacant drive way to the un-owned house next door. A little girl carrying a rather large suitcase that was twice her size hopped out.

As soon as she saw Joel and Aren she smiled and said “Hello, my name is Savannah Longfeather and I just moved here. What are your names?”

Aren groaned at another failed attempt and ignored her, Joel sat silently mystified by her assertiveness even then. She suddenly seemed a bit agitated at the lack of attention she was receiving. She stalked up to Aren, wrenched the spear out of his hands, and threw hard. It was a direct hit.

H-how did you do that?!” Aren had said.

It’s easy really; all you have to do is focus.”

Joel smiled as he watched a very irate Aren yank the spear out of the tree and stomp inside, slamming the door behind him. Savannah had looked hurt and disappointed. She sighed and started to walk back to the bright pink suitcase.

Wait!” Joel said as he jumped up and ran over to Savannah leavin his sketch unfinished.

Hi, I’m Joel Rounds. That was my brother obnoxious older brother Aren, he’s just a bit cranky but he’ll come around… Are you the oldest child in your family?”

Yes, I am, why?”

Then you are going to make a mighty fine competitor!”

He had thought it was comical to throw a stick at a round target for fun, but now Joel craves the adrenaline of competing more then anything in the world. He exhaled at the dream he’d never reach,only the eldest of the house could compete unless specified otherwise. He opened his eyes as he heard the resounding thunk a Javelin made when it hit the targets. Bulls-eye!

How did you do that!?” Aren said.

Oh, Aren, don’t you listen? All you have to do is focus.”

She smiled and all three of them broke into laughter! It was nice to know that if Fortis won the money from the competition that it was going to a good cause. Every dime they ever saw went to their training area or “Bob’s Boots” (that was the name of the old building they use for their practice). Bob’s Boots had gone out of business years ago, now it was where they made their spears, stored them, and practiced. Joel wasn’t legally allowed to compete or receive Javelin training, but he could play for fun. Someday, they wanted to open their own school for training Javelin throwers, for now it was just an old shack.

Well, I’d better start heading home before that storm gets any closer, you know how common mudslides are around here.” Savannah said as she put all of their Javelins back on the rack and grabbed her back pack from the corner.

Remember, now that school’s out tomorrow starts the three month countdown to competition day! I’ll come by your house around three so we can start our training.” She said to Aren as she walked out the door.

And I’ll just come and watch, like I always do.

Chapter 2

2:30, Joel thought as he stared blankly at the small round watch on his wrist. 2:31, he sighed. Time moved to fast now, everything was just a jumble . He sat silently by himself on the highest cliff on the Island hugging his knees tightly to his chest. Below him the waves crashed and foamed on the rocks, a misstep could be devastating. Joel knew this, but he didn’t care. He had been coming to sit up here on McGregor’s peak ever since he was little. He had heard many stories of great Javelin throwers coming to this peak before a match, it was said to give them spiritual insight and bring good omen. Of course no one really believes that now, just a myth. A harsh breeze blew interrupting Joel’s thoughts and making him look up at the sky. He could see storm clouds rolling in at the edge of the skyline. He stood cautiously but surely and without fear. A few loose pebbles fell down into the mixture of dark blue below. 2:45, Joel was late. He took off at a run to his house, he couldn’t be late again, it would be his third time in a row and he had to start the competition prep right. He ran down the sloping dirt roads as quickly as his feet could carry him and dashed into his house taking the stairs two at a time.

Hi Papa, bye Papa!” he called to his father as he ran past the kitchen. Suddenly he came to a halt, something smelled really good! He peeked in the kitchen to see his dad was making for dinner. It is an old Silivan dish comprising raw fish, a lot of lemon, and various other things that Joel could never remember. All he remembered is how much he loves the dish and that it takes about 3 hours to prep and make. He was wondering what the special occasion was and then remembered the competition training. His watch beeped suddenly and he looked down at his wrist, 3:00. He dashed upstairs and into his room. He kicked off his sandals and strapped on his competition boots which were specially designed to keep the Javelin from accidentally going through someone’s foot. He grabbed his sunglasses off the night stand and quickly spun around to pick up his safety gear which would normally remain at Bob’s Boots but he had brought them home to be cleaned. It wasn’t there. Frustrated he clomped back down stairs and into the kitchen.

Papa, where is my gear?” Joel asked hastily.

Your mom set it out on the back porch, she said the cloth connecting the chest plate and back plate was still wet. Aren left awhile ago and requested that you get his gear and uniform as well.”

There was a loud crash as the storm got closer. Joel nodded and went onto the porch and collected his gear. Joel didn’t have a uniform, that was strictly for actual players. The uniform included gloves, tan pants, a black shirt, connected chest and back plates, and boots. Each article was marked with the official insignia of the Island. A little silver cursive s written in a very old font.Every participating country had a different uniform. Some were blue, others purple, and one year there had even been a nauseatingly bright yellow one. Joel was thankful the uniform his brother had to wear wasn’t bright yellow. The old Javelin competitions were less dangerous than they are now. Now the spears are sharper and more lethal so the gear was deemed a necessary safety measure. Since Joel isn’t a participant he only has the gloves, plates, and boots which are strictly for his own protection.

Joel went to Aren’s room and collected his things. He notices Aren’s cell phone on his desk and decides to grab that as well. Just then his watch alarm sounded again, 3:15.He ran down the stairs and bumped right into his mother.

Oh my dear! Are you alright Joel, you seem quite distraught?”

Yes Ma, I’m fine but I’m running late for training. So if you don’t mind…”

Ah Javelin training, okay then I won’t keep you, just be careful it’s raining hard out there.”

Rain?!” Joel exclaimed exasperatedly then mumbled, “Just what I need. See you later mom.”

He ducked around his mom and out the door, and sure enough, it was pouring. It’s not that Joel didn’t like the rain it’s just that he didn’t like what came after and during the rain, mudslides. He had heard of whole houses being suddenly buried by the mudslides and countless deaths occur each year due specifically to mudslides themselves. Joel didn’t have to worry though since his house is surrounded by hard granite. However no other house on the Island was quite so lucky. Joel watched from the shelter of his porch as a Kiwi bird ducked under a bush to seek shelter from the storm. In the distance he heard the cry of unsuspecting gulls caught off guard by the storm and the crash of waves eating away at the edges of the Island with the power they had siphoned from the storm. The strong breezes mixed with the salt from the ocean stung Joel’s eyes. Joel reached into his pocket and put on his sun glasses. Just then a small flower petal came and landed square on his face as he moved to sprint off the porch. He paused and took the delicate pink petal in his hands. He smiled slyly at the sight of the petal in his palm. He remembered when Savannah had planted those rose bushes.

A couple years after she moved to the Island she had enlisted the help of Joel and Aren to plant some roses. Joel didn’t even know what roses were but he agreed anyways, he would do anything to make Savannah happy. Aren had pointed out dryly that roses couldn’t grow on the Island because the soil lacked the proper nutrients, but Savannah wouldn’t be swayed. She was stubborn and when she made up her mind, it was set, and for that Joel admired her all the more. The three of them tried breed after breed and week after week without success.Eventually after three month Aren gave up, proclaiming that it was a hopeless case. He suggested a heartier, less attractive breed of flower instead; however Savannah would have none of that. Joel and Savannah went the next day to see the local florist. She gave Savannah a special breed of wild roses and some soft soil. In about a month it had become obvious that the roses would last this time. He remembered how happy she was, she was singing and dancing in little circles and he just watched, content with what he had done. That’s when she stopped and said, “Thank you Joel, you’re absolutely, positively amazing!” Then she hugged him and grabbed the red faced boy by the hands and danced with him.

He took a deep breath and looked out toward the ocean. He chuckled slightly at the memory and it was gone. Joel closed his palm around the flower and stuffed it in his pocket, that would have to wait for another time.He put one hand on his head, secured his luggage, and ran off the porch in the direction of Bob’s Boots.

Chapter 3


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305 Reviews


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Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:00 am
speakerskat says...



Wow I've improved a lot since this .... XD goodness it's a hot mess .




speakerskat says...


I keep visiting this. It's my last day of high school and I couldn't be more proud. This might be a horribly rusty piece and I don't know if it will ever be finished, but it's nice to see how far I've come. Now, I am on my way to an English major in college and it all started 10 years ago...



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Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:46 am
Carina wrote a review...



Ho ho ho, and merry Christmas in July! 8)

I also believe this story has a lot of potential. It's obvious that you have put a lot of thought into it and made sure to include little careful and dainty details in with descriptions. Things like that are often forgotten in a piece, so kudos in putting the time, effort, and work into this!

I'm in a reviewing mood at the moment, and although I don't often break down a review like I'm about to do in this one, I am today because, hey, everyone loves lush reviews, right? :P I'm also not a poetry kind of person, and this is your only piece that's fiction, so I'm hoping to even this out. xD (But I'll still review your poetry, of course!) Anywhos, I was taking notes while reading, and I didn't realize that this was broken down into two chapters until after I scribbled down a bunch of notes. So sorry if this is kind of a mess. >_<

Anyways, enough of my ramblings. Let's move on to the actual review.

The piece started off with a summary which was totally okay, but it was almost like the piece went off to explain and describe the characters rather than use a second hook to effect the readers more. A hook, as the word implies, hooks the reader into the story and urges them to keep on reading. It's that attention grabber intro in every story, and without it, the piece may just lose some potential and make the reader stop and quit. Even when it seems like the story is all fluffy and nice and there isn't much of an attention grabber hook to begin with, it's alright. Find something, and then work from there. Often times the hook is really exciting, then the story decelerates from there and it will get back right on track.

So what's an example hook? Try this:

Joel's palms were sweating, tightly gripping the wooden stick in his hand. He felt his breath go in and out, in and out, and his vision dimmed into darkness as he concentrated on the target. Imagine, he thought. Everybody is watching you. Only you can hit it. He was the center of attention with numerous of eyes boring holes into his skull. Whispers were all around him in the darkness: Throw the javelin, Joel. We're counting on you, Joel. So throw it, Joel, throw it! And without thinking twice about it, he felt his hands move on its own; he felt his arms pull back and throw the wooden javelin in the air with strength he didn't know he possessed, and he watched, oh, he watched it fly and land on...

"Hah, you missed again!" Aren taunted him as the javelin missed the target for the tenth time today.


This is just me writing what I think might serve as a possible example hook. I know it's not perfect, but it's basically what you wrote with Joel miserably failing, but with more details and thoughts. See what I mean, though? Something like this connects with the reader, and so it grabs their attention and prompts them to keep on reading.

Speaking of connections, I think that's what the piece needs more of. Not everyone is a javelin thrower; heck, I bet most of the readers have never even held a javelin (that would be me, haha). So if the reader has never done anything that the characters are doing now, why would they be interested in the story? That's what you need to ask yourself, and then think: how can I hook everyone in the reading audience? To do this, you need a connection between the characters/story and the readers. One way to do this is by character development, and you have already done a lovely job in doing this. The characters are building and the readers are starting to get a grip on their personality, but that's only half the battle. The reader needs a personal link to that character to have them love them to death and connect it with the story. To do this, you need details.

Which brings me to the next subject: details, details, details! You have once again did a lovely job in describing things, but sometimes there is just too much action and too little thoughts/emotions. Remember the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. How did it feel to hold the javelin? Were the surroundings musky, cloudy, bleak, and salty from the sweat dripping down his face? Or was it sunny and how with the sun beating down on his skin? Was there a passerby as they threw the javelin? What was the island like? Surely it was beautiful with many sights to see, and the air was healthy and salty from the nearby vast ocean.
Sensory details are a must, and it would be wonderful if it could be embedded into this piece. They really color the piece beautifully, and it can breathe more life into the story. Remember to include relevant thoughts and emotions in, and have it offset the actions. So basically, try to avoid writing it "script-like" and focus on making the story flow smoothly. Not only will the piece flow better, but it builds the link to the story and the readers.

Oh, and this may just be my personal preference, but I think you should slow down in character descriptions. If it's thrown out all at once especially at the beginning of a story when readers haven't yet grasped the characters, often times the details are forgotten. So here's a little tip: very briefly describe them at the beginning, then include more details later when the story progresses. Also, I think the parentheses can be taken out and embedded into the story instead. It's kind of distracting and takes the reader out of the story, but again, this may just be my personal preference.

So how about we move on to nitpicks? Yeah, I know, what a groaner, but I think listing a couple might be some good points to improve sentence structure or grammar.

Red + bold = I added in.
Underline = just me pointing something out; nothing was added
Strike = delete

“And that, Savannah, is why only the eldest son or daughter of each family can participate in the competition! Half Pint here will never be as skilled as me,” Aren said cockily.

“Aw, what a shame, Aren,” she said innocently. “My turn! Joel, if you please?”

As soon as she saw Joel and Aren, she smiled and said, “Hello, my name is Savannah Longfeather and I just moved here. What are your names?”

Time moved too fast now, everything was just a jumble . He sat silently by himself on the highest cliff on the Island, hugging his knees tightly to his chest.

He peeked in the kitchen to see that his dad what his dad was making for dinner.

All he remembered is how much he loves the dish and that it takes about 3 three hours to prep and make.

It’s not that Joel didn’t like the rain; it’s just that he didn’t like what came after and during the rain: mudslides.


These are only a handful of what I saw since nitpicks are always a groaner to fix, I know. xD I think you're grasping the punctuation rules when using quotes, but there were a few oopsie-daisies here and there. Basically, you use a comma when you continue on a sentence.

So:

"This is an example," she said. < --Correct!
"This is an example." she said <-- Wrong.

Or this:

"This is an example," she said with a smile, "and I like to eat doughnuts." <--Correct!
"This is an example," she said with a smile. "I like to eat doughnuts." <--Also correct!
"This is an example," she said with a smile, "I like to eat doughnuts." <--Wrong.

So if the dialogue is a continuous sentence and it's broken into sections, then continue with a comma. Or, if you want to describe what the character is saying after the quotation mark, then also use a comma. If not, then use a period. But when you use exclamation or question marks, no commas are needed and you can continue on.

It's best to use semi-colons (or sometimes comma...yeah, it gets kind of confusing sometimes) when connecting two independent clauses together, and a comma when connecting a dependent clause with an independent one. Oh, and always type out a number unless it's more than three words. Also, should island be capitalized? I don't think so unless you specify a specific island.

Ack! Yeah, punctuation/grammar sucks, and it really is terribly confusing. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and I'd be happy to elaborate. :)

“Hi, I’m Joel Rounds. That was my brother Aren. He’s just a bit cranky because he’s been trying for weeks to hit that target, then you just come up and get it on the first try. Are you the oldest child in your family?”

There's not really anything hugely wrong with these sentences when we're talking grammar. However, I want to point out that, when you say this out loud, the dialogue seems kinda rehearsed. Perhaps Joel could say this more naturally. If you were Joel, how would you introduce yourself? Look away from the screen, think, and close your eyes. Surely it will come out more natural, right?

“Well, I’d better start heading home before that storm gets any closer. You know how common mudslides are around here.”

Savannah said as she put all of their Javelins back on the rack and grabbed her back pack from the corner.

I mainly just wanted to point out that you accidentally made a new paragraph here. xD



Well, that's all the nitpicks I have for you! (Phew, right?) Overall, this story has so much awesome potential, and I can't wait for it to see it grow and blossom. Please, please write more; I'd love to read more of this lovely story. :)

As usual, keep writing! Ho ho ho. 8)

~ Carina




speakerskat says...


WOW! Can I use that part you wrote and change it a little, I wish my whole book will be that good nice. Ya little nitpicks fun... mostly typos I will get an editor XD they will love me . About the natural thing...I'm just an akward person and sory about parthenssis it's a habit I broke it is rather choppy



Carina says...


Whoa, this is so old. XD

But yes! Of course you may. The only thing I'm concerned about is the switch of style. The little blurb I wrote in the review might not match your specific tone and style, so maybe word it around a bit to suit you more?

Anyways, I'm glad to help. :}



speakerskat says...


Yes I sis and I think it fits



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Sun May 26, 2013 8:44 pm
KandiNekol01d says...



I believe this story has potential, and encourage you to continue working on this! I really liked the constant detail and background information that was woven in. I also liked how you added flashbacks to further describe the characters. As it was said before, you just need to correct some punctuation, grammar, run-off sentences, and time tenses. Then it'll all be good. ^_^




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Thu May 23, 2013 6:32 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Speakskat.

This is looking good. It's interesting and I want to read more. That means your doing nothing wrong! I did like the memories that were put through here, because it really showed the relation between the three characters. And it helped us as readers to understand them.

You did switch between past and present tense a lot. And as well as that, especially in chapter two, you over-used commas. This means we had sentences that ran on. Some really needed to be separated into two so that we could understand the story better. I think you just need to read through this and look closely at the punctuation. That was the main thing that made this harder to read.

I like how the story seemed to bring the idea that something bad might be happening soon? It almost seems like it was foreshadowing an event. Building the suspense slowly And I positively loved the memory of growing roses. It defined all three characters well :) And of couse, Jeol's emotions towards Savannah as well. Looking forward to seeing Chapter 3 up!

Deanie x




speakerskat says...


Oh thanks! Sadly though I'm not sure when I will get around to chapter three... I will try though.



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Mon May 20, 2013 12:16 am
DannieInkblotHanson wrote a review...



I like the way you're going with this. Here are some things to think about:
There were a few typos and nit-picky grammar things, but after a quick scan you could fix those easily.
You switched from past and present tense in the beginning and it got a little confusing. For this particular story, I recommend you keep it in past tense, which you did later, so that was good.
I noticed a recurrence of you using exclamation points outside of dialogue, and I wouldn't advise that. Although it gives the illusion of giving a sentence more emphasis, one would be surprised how potent a sentence can be when it ends with merely a period. Here's an example:

Laquishadasha sobbed hysterically. Her dog was dead!
As apposed to:
Laquishadasha sobbed hysterically. Her dog was dead.

Yes, that example isn't actually sad. But leaving out exclamation points does give your writing a bit more strength. Unless it's in speech. Then, by all means, use them to your heart's content.
I really like the characters you are making! Savannah especially. She's raw and fun and not another cliche love interest. Good job with her. I also like Joel and the relationship he has with his parents and Savannah. He seems like a real person.
My only worry is with Aden. True, everybody knows an arrogant kid like that, but keeping him as the cocky older brother stereotype will leave him rather flat. Maybe if you give us another side of him, like a reason why he's so mean or what he's like when he's sad, it would help readers connect with him more.
Your creation of the setting is wonderful. You've created such a cool little world on that island with their traditions ad the climate and such. Keep that up!
Good job here! Keep writing!




speakerskat says...


Thanks! I think I will write the next chapters using the uggestions you made over the summer, then once I finish have someone review the whole story and I will go back and fix thoes mistakes. I will try to write more chapters over the summer ! Thanks again!




Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown