Hi Infinity here to review!
Firstly I love the thanks giving to God here in your poem you've really expressed that well, it's emotional and personal and a great prayer poem. However there are some slight criticisms/suggestions I'd like to make.
Ideally, your poem is meant to be separated into quatrain verses. The rhyme scheme worked well in some places and in others it didn't.
Stanza 1
"I'm thankful that you hear me, and that the water's clean
Protect me from the mutants and the fallout unseen
Thank you, Lord, for guiding me as far as I've been"
The mentioning of water here is a bit random, you need to explain or incorporate it into your verse if that's what your thankful for, how has water been a blessing to you?
The mutants and fallout is again, awkward to add it as its unrelated to the water, your opening verse should be engaging and coherent. The rhyming here feels very forced, it doesn't really flow well.
Stanza 2
"Lord, I pray for the slaves that I just passed by today
Couldn't buy them, couldn't free them, but I hope they are okay
I'm the ultimate survivor, but I remember how to pray"
This verse is good just minor criticisms.
Hoping they're okay is not very heart felt as the slaves you've seen most likely aren't just simply, "okay". Perhaps editing it to say something like "but I pray they're okay" or "but I pray you show them another way" something along those lines?
The last sentence of you being the ultimate survivor and remembering to pray doesn't quite fit with everything else, shouldn't the slaves be the survivors you desire to see? you need to again, make your verse coherent.
Stanza 3
"I'm sorry for the worthess man I keep proving that I am
Returning to those wretched sins, such a two-faced man
Please, oh Lord, forgive me, I want to serve again"
Here, you have a slight typo on the spelling of "worthless"
This verse had potential but it doesn't feel like it's finished or final.
Try developing it more and check your grammar and punctuation in your poem in general.
Overall, great theme and a good pray poem, keep up the good work!
-Infinity x
Points: 9869
Reviews: 116
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