Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Rayne stood in line at Pot Belly’s Cinema Plus and stared northeast towards the Bridge of Lions.
She hadn’t realized how haunting her words must have been for her father. Goodbye was such a connotative word. For all she knew, her father might’ve thought she was running away, never returning again.
Wanting to reassure him she made a step but stopped herself, muttering no under her breath. It would be just what he wanted. That meant he would have power over her, a power she couldn’t let him have. Instead she let the theatre's familiar wave of memorabilia crash down on her. She was instantly transported through the 30s and 50s with its trademark lunchboxes, bottle caps, and star plates masking the walls like wallpaper.
“Next,” the ticket teller chirped. It was a fellow teen, her head propped up by her heavily tatted arm and the antique cash register. “Wazitshignobe?”
“What?” Was it just her, or did every teenager on the planet have a speech impediment?
“What’s it gunna’ be lady?” the teller gave her a glare.
Rayne always thought it odd when someone called her a lady, especially knowing she was far from one. “Uh, the Jurassic Park.” Was the teenage so doped up that she forgot only one movie was shown at a time?
“Howmarizigunebe?”
Rayne took a guess. “One.”
The teller ripped a ticket from beneath the counter and handed it to Rayne along with the packaged 3-D glasses. It was the renewed 3-D one and she figured since she loved it in 2 why not try the 3? Plus there was nothing else playing at the small concrete movie theatre as it only had room for one show at a time.
Rayne exchanged the ticket with three dollars and went into the theatre, skipping the popcorn and soda from the tiny lobby, and took a lucky seat in the middle. It would be fifteen minutes before the movie started so she pulled out her sketchbook and began to people-watch.
There was a young teenage couple in the far corner, cuddling. The boy was stroking the girls hair and leaned forward to kiss her. Rayne looked quickly away from the intimate corner to search for another subject.
Her eyes lay on the familiar couple from St. George’s Inn which she quickly discarded. The old man was sloppily eating his nachos and the petite woman picking dirt from underneath her nails.
Then she saw them, the gang of boys following a much smaller, lone boy. There was something familiar about them, like a dream that she had once long ago, and then she remembered.
They had all been in her classes when she had gone to public school. Although she couldn’t remember the hoard of bullies’ names, she could remember their prey. It was Garrett, the king of nerds she now realized. He had let his fair hair grow out framing his face and his thick black hipster glass hid it. As he hastily walked closer to her, trying to shake of the other boys, Rayne thought he resembled a geeky looking Bender from the Breakfast Club. Ironic since a hoard of Benders were ready to dumb Garrett’s butt into a trashcan.
“Hey, guys, seriously leave me alone.” Garrett was racing around one of the tables like a greyhound. He was receiving a few boos for blocking other people’s views.
Rayne, feeling unnaturally courageous, raised her hand and began to wave. “Hey, Garrett.”
All the boys, including Garrett, looked over at her. Their faces went ashen, as if they’d seen a ghost.
“Holy shit,” one of the Benders said. “Isn’t it that Laura girl?”
“Yeah, totally is. I thought she was killed too.”
“Guys, she’s staring at us, let’s just get the money later.”
“Yeah, what time does the movie end?”
With that the guys surged past Garrett and left the theatre, leaving him standing awkwardly in front of her.
“Uh, hey,” He said. He was twiddling with his fingers. Was she making him that nervous? “So, thanks for that, I’m just going to go now-”
A soda bottle suddenly rocketed through the air and hit Garrett in the head. He looked sharply over at the manically laughing Bender who had thrown it and let out a whimper.
“You want to watch the movie with me?” Rayne asked. She couldn’t believe how easily she was able to talk to Garrett. Maybe it was the fact that he looked even more vulnerable and weak than she did.
“Uh, I guess I don’t really have a choice, but hey I really do appreciate it, not like I wouldn’t not sit with you, it’s just how come you didn’t ever come back to school, and why aren’t you dead, but you’re not so wouldn’t you be in Indiana, but you are really awesome for saving me.”
“Sorry my breathing is such an issue with everyone,” Rayne said. “And you’re welcome. Now excuse me while I catch my plane for Indiana.”
“Sassy. I like it. Well it’s just no one’s seen or heard from you in years. Seriously thought you were, yeah know… sorry ‘bout your loss.”
“I just didn’t feel like putting up with the morons at school,” Rayne said. “It was going to be tough so my dad let me get homeschooled.”
“That’s cool. I always wanted to be homeschooled.”
“It’s not that cool. My dad teaches me some stuff but the rest of the time it’s just tutors.” Her mind instantly went to Cael and his insane departure. “It’s pretty boring.”
“Yeah, but you could play video games all day. You’re rich too right? I bet you have a lot of parties.”
“I’m no Gatsby,” Rayne said quietly. “I actually wouldn’t know who to invite.”
“What?! That’s crazy. Well count me in! I’d totally come.” Garrett then raised his hand to flag down one of the waitresses. When no one came he began to wave his hand like a breezy geezer. He caught the attention of a middle-aged waitress with bright blue hair.
“Can I help you?” the waitress said through smacks of bubblegum.
“Yeah, two root beer floats for me and the super girl.”
Rayne giggled and the waitress rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure, my pleasure.” and left to get them their drinks.
“Thanks, but I’m no super girl,” Rayne said. “I just felt-” really bad for you and wanted to save your butt. “-like I knew you and wanted to say hello.”
“Yeah, right. You just felt sorry for me and that’s okay. Anything’s better than getting beat up by those derp-faces.”
Rayne stared. “What’s a derp-face?”
“It’s…ya-know…seriously you’ve never heard of the derp face?”
Rayne shook her head no.
“I’ll show you sometime...” He paused suddenly and smiled sheepishly. “I’m really sorry and you’re going to hate me but…what’s your name again?”
“It’s Rayne,” Rayne said. “And I don’t hate you.”
“Good, sounds like we’re off to a great start.” He was beaming at her. She liked the kid’s spunk.
“So, just tell me if I’ve let my filter go down too much, is your dad really the crazy guy who maps out all the forests in St. Augustine?” The waitress with blue hair had come back and handed them their root beer floats.
“I guess you could say that,” Rayne took a slurp of the froth that dripped on the glass’s side. “Except he only maps the one that’s right of Anastasia Road. It’s really weird.”
“Wow, that’s funny,” Garrett said it in a way, almost condescending. “I guess you’ve really been desensitized. So you don’t hear any of the rumors about you guys? One is that your dad is some psycho guy that’s hunting down magical creatures and stuff…ooh, and another is he buried your bodies in the forest and he’s trying to-”
“Garrett, your filter.” Rayne said.
“Sorry, but I guess that last one isn’t true,” Garrett licked some of the vanilla ice cream from his knuckle. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”
“Thanks Captain Obvious.” Rayne blinked as the lights began to falter. The curtains pulled back and the screen began to play the commercials.
“Hey, what movie is this anyway?”
“Jurassic Park.”
“Cool.”
“Hey, Garrett?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going to talk the whole time?”
“Uh, no. Sorry.”
~
Jurassic Park, Rayne decided, was far cooler in 3-D. Of course, what movie wasn’t? Garrett, on the other hand, had jumped incessantly at every dinosaur roar and loud bone crunch when he wasn't talking to her.
At the start of the credits, the iconic music drifting into the hubbub of people’s conversations, Garrett jumped up and looked around nervously. Rayne quickly pulled him back down.
“Aren’t those boys looking for you?”
“Yeah, and hey, you told me you came here often,” Garrett said. “do you know of any back doors?”
“Yeah, follow me.”
With that, Garrett attached himself to her rucksack as she led him through the flood of people moving against them. Rayne pulled them through and stepped outside the back exit door, which was heavily branded with papers reading: faculty only.
The late night air hit Rayne in a wave. It was hot and sticky like Kilwins’ laffy-taffy, making her already wavy hair curl around her face. Garrett was already fanning himself with one of her sketchbooks he had found in her bag.
“Hey, careful with that,” she snapped.
“Jeez,” he said putting his hands up defensively. “What’s in here you don’t want me to see?”
“Nothing,” She was growing impatient. Did no one respect boundaries?
Her mouth then dropped in horror as he began scanning through the pages. She moved to take it from him but he was faster and stepped away, under an orange cast of light.
“These are good, especially this guy,” Garrett said. She knew he meant her sketches of Cael. “Is he your boyfriend or something?”
Rayne blushed furiously. Thank goodness for the shadows. “What? No! He’s just-just some- wait you don’t recognize him?”
Garrett looked at her quizzically, which gave her enough time to recover her sketchbook from his hands and force it back into her bag.
“Sorry, that was my personal sketchbook.”
Garrett was still looking at her as if she’d suddenly turned into a talking monkey. Rayne began walking. For a while she didn’t think he would follow but then she heard a foot splash through a puddle and he was next to her panting.
“What is he a celebrity or something?” He finally said.
Now Rayne gave him a puzzled look. “No, he goes to your school. Right? You go to Juan Ponce de Leon right?”
“Yeah, but Rayne there’s only, like, three hundred kids in that entire school and I know every face…He doesn’t go there.”
Rayne’s throat had gone dry and she felt a cloud begin to drift over her eyes. What was going on?
They had been booking it. Rayne felt it in her legs and could see it in Garrett’s zombiefied face. She felt bad, having dragged him all the way to the Bridge of Lions but he had insisted.
“So where do you live again?” He said in between pants.
“I told you,” Rayne said. “You really don’t have to walk me home. I’ll just get a cab or something.”
“Yeah, but I’ve come this far, and my family owns the St. Francis so I’ll just go there for tonight.”
“Are you sure?”
“Sure.” He added a curt nod as if to finalize his answer.
Rayne walked a few more yards, Garrett slightly behind her, and stopped. They were right at the beginning of the Bridge of Lions now, the two marblesque lions perched mightily on either side. She turned to Garrett and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I could use a rest.”
“Can’t argue with that. Do you walk this far every day?”
“Yeah,” Rayne said. She leaned against one of the lions and slid to the ground with a soft pfft. “My dad doesn’t like bicycles because the Wicked Witch rode one and he doesn’t like cabs because it reminds him of New York where he believes too many people get killed.”
“Whoa,” Garrett said, slumping down next to her. “So your dad is really overprotective. Mine isn’t, he could care less about where I am.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I’m just saying it’s weird how different each parent is.”
“Yeah.” Rayne was looking out across the Matanzas Bay, the speckle of stars reflecting in the calm waters. She surveyed the bridge, how unusually still it was. It just showed how late the night had gone. She then began to wonder how late.
“What time is it?” She asked briskly.
“Uh, hold on,” Garrett said and took out his phone. It was one of the I Phones, sleek and new. “Midnight.”
“What?!” Rayne scrambled up, wincing at her sore legs.
“Yeah, if your dad is as overprotective as you make him out to be, you better run that skinny ass home.”
Rayne was already running towards the bridge when she stopped. She heard Garrett behind her. “Rayne, what’s wrong?”
She was too stunned to answer Garrett’s call. Cael was walking away from her. She didn’t see his face when he came across the bridge, but his dark hair and swimmers physique was all too familiar and he was headed towards the historical district.
“Hey, what’s up?” Garrett was right next to her again.
“Nothing, I gotta go. It was nice seeing you Garrett.” And Rayne was off racing down the sidewalk after Cael, determined to not let him out of her sight.
Rayne had stayed a good few feet back from Cael, just like she had seen it done in movies. She didn’t want to lose sight of him, but she didn’t want him to know she was following him. Unfortunately, Hollywood made it look a lot easier than it actually was.
The moon cast a strange hue of blue over the historical district, making it seem completely plausible to see a ghost pop up any moment. The sound of music and people having fun echoed across the busy road. Cael was standing a few yards away, looking towards the fortress. For a second, Rayne thought he was going to go over to the tree and disappear, but instead he turned around and walked through the stopped traffic. Seizing her chance, Rayne followed.
She was following him towards St. George’s Street through a dark alley. It was something out of a movie, any moment some dead guy would come crashing through one of the upstairs windows after pissing off the Godfather. That, she decided, would be too exciting, and stuck with Cael being a ghost.
The sound of Cael’s light footfalls stopped and the hair on the back of Rayne’s arms and neck rose when she saw him look back over his shoulder. She quickly plastered herself against the dirt mottled wall and held her breath. She could feel his ember eyes staring at her and she considered giving herself out. She waited and heard the sound of footsteps. Whether they were coming closer or away she couldn’t tell.
When nothing happened she peeled her head away from the wall and looked down the alley. Cael was gone.
“Damn,” she muttered. She then rubbed her thigh where her rucksack had dug into her skin.
“Boo.”
Rayne jumped, her mouth filling with sour bile, but the recognizable smell of popcorn and root beer told her it was Garrett.
“What the hell, you twat ass,” She hissed.
“Sorry,” Garrett said smiling. It made her want to smack him even more. “But it was too good to resist.”
“Whatever.”
“Who was that you were chasing? Your mystery guy?”
“Actually, yes.”
Garrett stepped back slightly and dramatically grabbed his face in mock fear. “Are you one of those psycho obsessed killers that kill little boys for their peepee?”
Garrett actually fell to the ground when Rayne smacked him across the head. She wasn’t sure if it was because he was still being dramatic or if she was actually that strong. Whatever the case, it felt good.
“You must have been holding that one in for a while,” Garrett said as he got back up. “You punch like a guy too.”
“I’m not a guy.”
“Obviously. You’re boobs are to realistic to be implants.” Rayne raised her hand which satisfyingly made Garrett flinch.
“You’ve obviously never seen boobs before because I don’t have them"" Rayne shook her head feverishly. " And I’m not here to talk about boobs, I’m here because I want to talk to Cael.”
“Is that his name?”
“Yes.”
“If I tell you where he is will you let me get to first base?”
“Sure.”
“What seriously?”
“Yeah, where is he?”
“He went into Bull and Crown,” Garrett moved closer to her. Surprisingly he was taller than her by at least a few inches. She then punched him three times in the gut making him double over.
“Three strikes and you’re out,” Rayne said.
“I knew that was coming,” Garrett said and used Rayne as a support. “Alright let’s go find this Cael.”
Garrett led the way to the British pub, which was naturally closed at this hour. The lights, however were on at a dull glow. Rayne and Garrett hopped over the wooden fence and peered in through the windows. At first no one seemed to be there, but then a sudden flock of what looked like balls of fire lit the wall sconces and sent Rayne’s hand grabbing Garrett’s. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Garrett’s mouth drop open.
Cael was walking out of a door, blocked out of their view, followed by three other teenagers. There were two boys and a girl all around the same age as Rayne and they were dressed in black and dark royal blues. One sandy haired boy was brandishing a belt heavy with daggers and swords.
“Maybe they’re the costume people that work here,” Garrett said. Rayne removed her hand from his and leaned in closer. “And they’re also those fire dancer people.”
“Are you sure that he’s safe at the manor?” the girl was asking Cael. She too was heavily clad in black but had a sword with two blades.
“Yes, but the girl is out here somewhere,” Cael said. “I think Cross was right. Those pills aren’t suppressing it anymore. Now she can see them.”
“Rayne, do you know who they’re talking about?” Garrett asked.
She swallowed hard, her throat swollen with an incomparable disbelief. “Me.”
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To me, this doesn't make much sense. Mainly it is "She made a step" This could either mean that she literally crafted a step, like for stairs, or that she was past that step, or that bit of the process, in recovery. Perhaps it is just because I don't know what 1-2 have about what's going on, but it is confusing.
Next, why did the teller ask her what she wanted to see if they only have one room? Wouldn't it only make sense that she would see that movie?
Hey, ED here to review...
)
First off, this is the only section that really bugged me:
"Rayne’s throat had gone dry and she felt a cloud begin to drift over her eyes. What was going on?
They had been booking it. Rayne felt it in her legs and could see it in Garrett’s zombiefied face. She felt bad, having dragged him all the way to the Bridge of Lions but he had insisted."
Just because the transition there didn't work out so well. You need to make it smoother, watch your tenses. Not "They had been booking it" but maybe "They started booking it towards the bridge." then tie that into "Rayne could feel the strain in her legs and Garrett's zombiefied face showed he was worn out too." (Although I must say, I do not usually equate zombiefiedness with hard running, xD)
The other thing that got on my nerves was, no offense, the names. I know they sound cool and everything, and you've probably fallen in love with them now, but you should consider changing them, especially if you're considering doing this to publish. "Rayne" and "Cael" might be fine in "high-fantasy," but let's face it, who names their kid that anyways? (Scratch that, there are some uber cool parents out there, the fact is they're few and far between.) It kills the believability of your setting, just because they sound and look so "out-there." Especially, especially when juxtaposed against names like "Garrett" and such slang as "derp-face."
Here's my advice---pick names that are similar to the ones you have, but that are more familiar to the reader, while capturing the same feeling. There's nothing wrong with calling Rayne, Rain. It actually might be a tad bit cooler that way. And Cael (And by the way, Kale, which is a vegetable that is pronounced exactly the same, does not taste very good) could be easily translated to "Caleb," or "Cade," or something more common.
Naming a fantasy character an unusual name in an urban setting, like I said before, discredits your reliability as an author. Plus it quite unsubtlely screams, "Warning, magic and/or powerful character present!" to the reader.
Overall though, I loved this. Your pacing was marvelous. It flowed clearly, without distraction and without getting bogged down in backstory and/or needless, dry exposition.
Other tips:
1. Your pacing was good, but try to do a little more "showing." Not just of character's actions and emotions, which you handled well, but also with the setting. I know you've probably set up the location in previous chapters, but never miss a chance to reveal something new to the reader about the setting. I myself have never been to England, and would have liked to see more detail added in description. Cook's rule here: A little salt to taste, but not too much. Don't overdo it, just season well.
2. Avoid writerly clichés. Clichés such as "A chill ran down her spine." Look for new perspectives and ways to present your story and its world. Don't reach for the easy or the obvious. How would your character see it? How would you, the author see it? Don't borrow someone else's voice---its been done before.
3. I really enjoyed the humor you added. It lightened things up and kept the action moving through the story parts. My one caution with this is don't go over the top. That hits the realm of "cheesy." Everyone has a different standard when it comes to what they see as "funny" or not, so this is incredibly hard to judge. Just add what is necessary. Personally, I found the section where Rayne is punching/throwing Garrett to be a bit over-the-top. Here's what I would say: keep it believable.
Anyways, hope this helps. Sorry that your piece has been up without review for so long. (I read half of it a while back and figured I'd better finish it up and do a review... finally.