Young Writers Society

Hello here I am for the review that you asked for I found it so don't bother with putting up a link.

First is

Stoned kin of celestial dust

Sparking earth flowers in the luscious night brush

The sensuous serenity of Nature's hand

Generation, Generation, retreat to this land

[]In this verse you need to put a little punctuation in at the end of almost all of you line you need to put a comma,in "Sparking earth flowers in the luscious night brush" Okay you need to write a little bit more about this "Sparking Earth" also you need to put a comma after "Earth",here "flowers in the luscious night brush" I think you wrote this wrong you wrote it like there is a special kind of plant that is called a night brush, next is "Generation, Generation, retreat to this land" here I think you should have written "Generation, Generation, echos through the these lands" maybe that would sound better? This verse was good very good but out some punctuation in it and is would be perfect.

Nest verse

Against the depressing state of rush and die

While spacemen orbit our marbled eye

I'd rather frolic madly with a girl

Or turn a landscape into a mural

Okay you need some more punctuation again you need periods and commas, here "Against the depressing state of rush and die" this does not make sense Okay I would advise writing it like this "Against the depressing state of the rush of death," there do you see what I mean? Next line "While spacemen orbit our marbled eye" This was good but what are you trying to say by "Our marbled eye."? It sounds a bit like you got a marble as an eye, Next "
I'd rather frolic madly with a girl" this was Okay but what other thing would you rather not do? you need to file that in, Next "Or turn a landscape into a mural" same problem here you need to be more clear.


Next verse

Generation, Generation stand up and see

There's some vibrant thing coming from over the sea

Orange blossom! Orgasmic scene!

A world greater than the iron beam

Okay here you need some more punctuation okay then it would be good, first line "Generation, Generation stand up and see
" I think this is wrong here like this might sound better "Generations stand up and see" do you see what I mean is just would sound better maybe you can't really call to something like that not without it sounding all wrong, next line "There's some vibrant thing coming from over the sea" Okay you may have just wrote this so that it rimes with the last line but it does sound good I can't see anything wrong with it so nest line "Orange blossom! Orgasmic scene!" Here its just like you put in a random word that mite rime but is sounds wrong maybe this would be better "What do you see? Orange blossom! Orgasmic scene!," Maybe that would be better but maybe not, next line "A world greater than the iron beam" Okay you need to have something between those two line although it does rime well.

Next Verse

O, Generation, my Generation

Where is your Northwest desire?

Strike a match and burn your great fire

Chase the moon mad dog

In the twilight hour that sets the fog

Same as all the others you need more commas and periods, first line "O, Generation, my Generation" this is not clear this "My generation thing and you should not have capitalized it, next line "Where is your Northwest desire?" Okay you did very good here but what do you mean by "Northwest"? you need to be a little explanatory, Next line "Strike a match and burn your great fire" Okay this has no relation to you last line at all just ham there you go that's it you got a ham see you need to do a little more work on that, next line "Chase the moon mad dog" Okay same as the last line it has nothing to do with the line before, here "In the twilight hour that sets the fog" you need to put some punctuation in same as the last one it does not make any sense. :{


Next verse

Capture in your brilliant eyes

You're bold, you're young, your world flies

Fuck greenbacks and company cock

We'll bulldoze and build our own block

Okay need more punctuation again, first line "Capture in your brilliant eyes" good I can see no problem here it is great besides the punctuation, Second line "You're bold, you're young, your world flies" Okay what do you mean by your world flies it does not make any sense but it does rime nicely and you need punctuation, Next line "Fuck greenbacks and company cock" No cursing on YWS you can get kicked of for it just some advise this has nothing to do with your last line too and punctuation too, next line "We'll bulldoze and build our own block" This does not go with you last line ether and you need a period in it.

Next verse

Generation. Generation. I cry to you, please,

The beauty is in no screen and I beg on weak knees

Turn it off and turn you on

Compensate for the decades of dot com

Okay need punctuation again, first line "Generation. Generation. I cry to you, please," Okay you did good here but when you wrote the "Please" it was like you were going to say something else like pleas go and jump on a spear" something like that but you just stooped:(, Next line "The beauty is in no screen and I beg on weak knees" This is really really good but you need a comma, Next line "
Turn it off and turn you on" "Turn" what off? turn something off you need to have something to turn off anything, next line "Compensate for the decades of dot com" "Dot com" hmm that sounds very strange but good job need a comma stilll.

Next verse

Adventure, Explore, be damned

Frost of Everest to Aruba sand

And walk and see the trembling Earth

You great impressionists from birth

Okay you need to do some commas and periods, first line "Adventure, Explore, be damned" Okay this was noot good you need to stop cursing pleas but good it was okay but not good because of the cursing, next line "Frost of Everest to Aruba sand" this is good I like the names of your places they sound nice good job but you need to put some punctuation in it, next line "And walk and see the trembling Earth" Gerr I cant see anything wrong exept for punctuation in this here so good good good job, next line "You great impressionists from birth" this is wrong I think you meant "your" not "you" but even then it does not sound right what are you trying to say here?

Last verse

From Generation to Generation

From Generation to Generation

Where are we?

And, most importantly, can we see?

[/quote][/quote] This is super good I can see nothing at all wrong with it but the fact that there is not enough punctuation.

Good work buddy this is really really good.

Keep writing and good luck.

~Jon~

This is the biggest review I have ever written so I hope it helped.

Sorry because of the quote it will not go away but there I hope it works out.