Published April 24, 2013
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Holy long lines! I feel like before I say anything else, you should make the lines shorter, like break them up more. I also think you should include a second or third stanza. Oh and one other thing is, What's a "guayavera"?
On to the compliments!!
I really, really loved your descriptions. It was a lovely read. I just loved the whole sentimental values I got from reading the poem. It could be a very sweet dedication to your grandparents or parents.
Salttlifee,
There are some beautiful lines and sentiments in this poem, but immediately what struck out was the repetitive "two people" that I would suggest leaving out. It's not really necessary, as it's in your title anyway, and it puts heightened importance to something that is not really the most important aspect of the poem?
I mean, it's obvious that they are two people. What should be pronounced is their love and their lives, not that they were "two" that sort of emphasis brings an imbalance to the poem as well, because the "Two people" line over and over becomes much heavier and weighted than what you are actually saying, you might as well bold and capitalize the "two people" part if you're going to repeat it after every line. It's the sentiments that should be real important part, anyway.
That being said, I loved how you slipped into Spanish C: It makes it sound really personal and pretty.
I think this should be in the beginning rather than the end. What do you think? The reason I say this is because it has the ring of an introduction -- we get a sense of their character and appearance here just with simple words such as "Cuban cadenas" and "multicolored blouses" -- I really liked it, but I don't think that it should be an ending note, because there's not really any tonal closure or sense of finality to it.
The other thing I would watch out for is being repetitive. You mentioned near the end that these two people brought an entire generation, which is also repeated in the first line. The second line has "stick together regardless of problems/differences" and the line is bogged down and loses momentum -- maybe just pick either problems OR differences -- they both are similar anyway, so no need to say both.
All in all, I liked this a lot C: It was very heart felt and I definitely felt an individualistic streak there with the spanish. Keep writing poems!
~ as always, Audy
Beautiful prose poem, especially the end. You express your graditude very well. I liked your style of repetition. I'm under the impression they have passed by your line "will always be remembered in everyone's hearts..." but I'm sure that if they read this, they'd be flattered. Good job, keep writing. Hurtado