Salutations.
I apologize for the very long wait. I sort of inadvertently left YWS for a little while, but now I have returned, so I have come to review!
So, the first thought I have about this poem is that it doesn't seem particularly, say, new. Original, if you will. It's the retelling of a famous story, and it doesn't really add anything on to it. Retelling a myth is fine, but it's best if you have some sort of new twist on it, a new way to look at it, a new moral to draw from it, or even a different ending or something. You could even just have the same story but put it in rhyming verse. But here, you don't really have any of that. It's free verse, and it doesn't have much in regard to poetic devices and such (although the "sun" and "son" is a bit clever) so it just seems kind of...bland, I guess. I don't know. But I feel as if there should be something more.
This sort of leads into my next point. A lot of your descriptions seem to be a little, say, simple. There aren't really that many of them, and the ones you do have don't have much metaphor or simile. I would suggest spicing up your poem by adding more and better descriptions; this would also help make up for the fact that it is a retelling.
That said, here are a few sentence-level thoughts:
The day began with the rising sun, and the son rose
Awoken from his slumber, he sought out an adventure, from which he never would return
I don't know that you should put in "from which he never would return", because that sort of takes away all the tension. Admittedly, a lot of people probably know the story, but whatever.
Icarus had wings of wax upon his back
And his father and he flew across the sky
This is an example of something that could be described in more, say, complex language.
Daedalus said unto his son, fly not too close to the sun my son
For your wings are made of wax, and will melt
But his son ignored him as the sun rose
I feel as if, in order to emphasize this thing with the "sun" and "son", you're ending up sounding a bit repetitive, and sort of sacrificing the flow and sound of the poem. I would say that's more important than the play on words, but I suppose that's your choice.
Icarus the son being brave and brash and bold
Discredited the advice of the old
As he soared high, high into the sky
The word "discredit" is defined as "To harm the good reputation of (someone or something)." This would perhaps make sense if Icarus had disproved his father or something of the sort, but here it doesn't really fit. I think you want something more like "ignoring".
As the son rose, the sun began to set
He yelled to his son, as the sun began to fade
The wings from wax made
On the back of the son dripped
The "he" in the second line refers to Daedalus; however, you just talked about Icarus, so it doesn't really make sense to then use "he" for Daedalus. I would suggest just putting his name instead.
The sun began to fade as the son engulfed in flames hit the waves
The white foam into the
Foaming, flaming, swirling abyss
And so ends the flight of Icarus
In the middle two lines here, the phrase "the foam in the foaming abyss" is kind of redundant and unnecessary, and cuts the flow of the poem a bit. I would suggest switching one of those out for a synonym.
So. As I said above, I really wish there was something more unique here, some sort of new take on the story. Even so, the writing itself would be better off with a little more description and such. It seemed that a lot of it (such as "wings from wax made") attempted to fit the mood of the poem by sounding kind of, say, oldish, but...that wasn't really working; it was noticeable, and ended up detracting from the writing.
Well, I suppose that's really all I have to say. The poem has the potential to be really good, and I think you do have that capability, but there are a few things that, if improved, would make the poem much better than it is. Good luck with any editing or future poems!
Once again, I'm really sorry for the delay. If you ever need another review, feel free to PM me or post on the thread, and I will (hopefully) complete the review a lot quicker than before.
Valedictions,
Wherethewindgoes
Points: 10056
Reviews: 92
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