z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Unleashed:Awakened fourth part of unfinished book

by ANADIR


When we left to go to Battle tactics, Bakar excitedly exchanged what our weapons could do. “I got the Healers staff!” He cried. “it has a secret chain attached to this spiky ball, and when I hit this button and swing…” he pushed a little elevation on the staff and swung, and the spiky ball flew off the staff, and slammed through a wall into the bathrooms.

He reddened. “Whoops, lets get out of here.” As we ran off he said “It also enhances my healing abilities! What can yours do?” “Well, mine can physically manifest fire and make a flaming whip.” I haven’t tried it yet so I decided to. I imagined pushing energy into the thick wood. Suddenly, the red jewel lit up, and a fiery snake came out of it. I flicked the whip and it flew forward with almost no effort on my part. It wrapped around a lamp post. I yelped and yanked on it without thinking. Accidently, I poured some extra Energy into it and the snake pulsed. Suddenly, spikes appeared all over it, and it crushed the post. I yelped. Bakar burst out laughing. “Looks like your staff is stronger than you are.”

I reddened. Then Kennedy came up behind us. “And what are you two doing?” I jumped. “Well,…umm… sorry mister Kennedy, it was a mistake.” He looked at me. “Well, mistake or not, you leveled up your staff. By pouring energy into your weapon, you make it stronger.” Bakar, who was listening, chuckled to himself. Then there was a bright flash.

I opened my eyes and saw Bakar’s staff changed to a silver color. And its Spiky ball was no longer made of stone, but a shiny black metal. Kennedy laughed. “It appears you two are ahead of the class. I suppose that is extra credit. Now hurry along to your next class.

We were in such a rush to get to Battle Tactics that we couldn’t even talk about what just happened. We got there right on time. We sat down right as the teacher was giving his speech. “I am Sir Douglas. I will be your Battle Tactics teacher. In this class, I will teach you how to fight in teams. Now get with your room mates.” Bakar and I went to a corner of the room and waited. Sir Douglas walked around looking at all the groups. When he came to us, he looked at us critically.

“Bakar and Lance right? The one missing a roomie? Don’t answer that, it was rhetorical. He looked at Bakar’s weapon. A level 3 huh? Not bad. He looked at mine. A level two? You’re holding Bakar back. Get that leveled up.”

I looked down embarrassed. He went on and checked the other groups. When he finished checking the other groups, he went to the front. “This class is not actually taught by me.” He said. “It is taught by you. I pair you up to fight as teams, and you train. Don’t be the weak spot in your team.” He continued talking, but I was concentrating on my Ruby staff. I poured all the energy I could into it. After a few minutes, it flashed.

I looked at it. The ruby had a star engraved on the front, and the staff appeared to be made from gold. I jumped up. “Yes!” I yelled. Sir Douglas looked at me. “Lance, I see you have leveled up your weapon. To level…four. That is interesting. You skipped an entire level. Well, since you seem so eager to test it out, you can. Lance and Bakar, come up here. Brent, Gayle, and Drake you too.

I sputtered. “Wait, that’s unfair. We only have two people.” Sir Douglas looked at me. Well you don’t get your next roomie for a while, so that sucks for you. And also, you are the only ones with leveled weapons for now. Now get up here. I will put defensive shields around all of you.”

“You can fight until I sat stop. This will teach you to learn to fight as a team. Now Begin!” we circled each other warily. “Bakar” I said quietly. “Use your Healers staff and take out drake. I’ll fight Gayle. Be careful of Brent.

“All right” he muttered. As one we charged. I summoned my fire snake. And whipped it at Gayle. He dodged and threw a net at me. I rolled, but it followed me. I snapped my snake, but I was too slow. Suddenly, a second snake came from the fire stream and bit the net. It melted. Gayle snarled. I snapped my fire whip. Two more heads grew. “Level four, four heads. I thought. Seems legit.” I flicked it at him. Three of the heads lauched at him. I had the other one stay back. He jumped them and my fourth snake shot at him. It hit him in the neck and destroyed his shield. He was out for the count.

I looked over to bakar, panting. He was fighting Drake as well as he could, but Drake was a second year, and easily beat Bakar before I could help him. I growled. “Shadow!” in a flash, Shadow was next to me. “Kill” I shouted. Shadow blew a blast of molten lava, and engulphed Drake. There was a poof, and a slimy thing flew from the fire. A mimic, Shadow hissed. I looked around for drake. He was behind Brent. He charged me. I had a brilliant idea. As he threw his magic throwing knifes at me, I sucked all of my snakes heads into one. Then I flicked my one head at drake.

He jumped it, and I had each of the remaining snakes come from the first one’s body. They got him in his head and shoulders and destroyed his shield. One left. Before I could do anything, he shot my staff from my hand with some sort of gun. “Heh. That was easy. Say goodbye, Lancy” I backed up, panicking. Then I had one last ditch idea.

I grabbed my laptop from my Energy lake and dropped it. Brent laughed. “You cant even hold an Energybook.” He shot his gun at me. At the same moment, my robot erupted from the ground. “Sequence one, terminate attacker!” I yelled.

The robot opened its massive mouth, and swallowed the beam. Then it shot out the red bolt that Mr. Leonardo had shot at it. The Bolt fired out and destroyed Brent’s shield. But he was still awake. He roared. He cast a spell and a black hand flew at me and destroyed my shield. The world swum in front of my eyes. I managed “Stop” and then fainted.

I woke up a few minutes later. Brent’s team had won, but we had done very well. Bakar looked at me. “Dude! That was Awesome!” “Oh yes, your robot wont leave. It wants you.” I groaned and stood up. I walked over to it. “New updates available, and programmer sequence open, upgraded hard drive, now level 3, new abilities, tap to learn.” I tapped update, and the robots silver body changed to a darker blue color. “Armor increased, Reflect damage, increased, mobility increased.” I raised my eyebrows. I tapped the programmer page. It showed a new command. I said it out loud. “Sequence three, Mobility form.” The robot changed grew two metallic wings, and its mouth got smaller. If possible, my eyebrows got even higher. I looked at the final page, new abilities, and tapped it. Usable items: increased: hand, Sword Shield, buy from swordmage a.s.a.p.

I looked at Sir Douglas. He chuckled and gave me a map with a red X on the dot marked Sword Mage dorms. “Class dismissed,” he said. “See you tomorrow.”

I put my robot back to storage, and put it away. Then Bakar and I walked towards the swordmage dorms. “Dude! That was so cool!” your Energybook can change form? Awesome! I didn’t know they could do that.” I laughed. “Neither did I.”

When we got to the swordmage dorms, we went to the first instructor we found. “You guys new swordmages?” he asked. “No” I replied. “Get out of here then.” “Wait!” I said. “My Energybook said I could get a sword and shield here for it.” He looked at me. “So you’re the kid with the robot book? Albright then. Take him out. I’ll make some.” I pulled the laptop from the lake and dropped it. The robot took form and the instructor looked over it, and whistled. “That is one big robot. I’ll start working on it as soon as I can.” He said. Suddenly I had an idea. “Hey mister?” “What is it kid? And call me Max.” “I was thinking, could you make my familiar armor?” he thought for a moment. “I have never tried that kid, but it seems fun. Why not?”

I called to Shadow and he appeared. I explained to him my Idea. That seems interesting. It would definitely help in battle. Lets do it. He flew over to Max and Max took his measurements. Bakar looked at Max and back to Shadow. He muttered something under his breath and a gold snake with silver wings appeared. Bakar looked at Max again. “Do you think you could do the same for mine as well?” Max laughed. “Why not? Im already doing one. Send him over here.” He took the measurements. “Come back in a month. It will be done by then.

We headed back to our dorm. “Today was Awesome!” we yelled at exactly the same time. We laughed. I checked the time. “I have fifteen minutes before my private lessons. Bakar looked sad. “Darn. I was hoping we could talk a little. What time do you get back?” “At 7” I replied. “All right then.” He said. I left to go for my classes with Cane.


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2631 Reviews


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 4:38 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! I'm going to start with a few specific comments as I read through and then try to give you some more general advice at the end.

Specifics

1.

When we left to go to Battle tactics, Bakar excitedly exchanged explained what our weapons could do.
This sentence is inaccurate because you say that he explains what their weapons can do, but actually he only explains his own and then he asks his friend to explain his. Either Bakar needs to describe both of them if he has some specialist knowledge, or you need to change this sentence.

2. I feel like it's too easy for them to level up the weapons. I want to see them make more use out of them or actually fight with something first. I like video games as much as the next person, but video game logic is less effective in a book and not all your readers are going to be gamers so make the improvement of weapons more interesting.

3. As much as you want to make your characters super powered, you need to reign it back a little. They can't be the only ones to have levelled their weapons, that's too much of a coincidence that the best two people just happen to end up in a dorm together and to be the ones who are missing a roommate. It's also very boring for your reader because it doesn't feel like the characters are going to have any struggle. People love a powerful main character, but what they love even more is an underdog. If anything, I'd rather see the main character be weaker than everyone else in the room.

Overall

I think you need to tone down some of the video gaming lore and take a bit of time describing the scenery and letting the characters talk and get to know one another. At the moment, it feels like I'm playing a game without any of the fun parts which come with the game - where I get to move the character around and kill stuff. But I get the rushed and over dramatic storyline with it. When people play a game, they want the storyline to move quickly so they get to fight stuff rather than having to spend ages seeing character development, but reading doesn't work like that. In a book, character development and scenery description are much more important so make sure you don't neglect those.

You also need to work on making the two boys seem more unique and different to one another. At the moment, you could put down a line of dialogue and I wouldn't know who it belongs to because they both talk and act the same.

I hope that gives you a few things to think about and I do think you have some fun elements here, especially the robot book, but you need to balance this with strong characters and a smooth flow.

Good luck!

Heather xx




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Fri May 31, 2013 4:24 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! Back for more! I'm gonna read all the way through your entire novel! Keep it up.

Spelling and grammar:
The same as before. Check up on direct speech, run through a spell checker for typos and also, check out your apostrophe usage.

Plot:
Not a lot of extra stuff happening. At the moment you are guiding readers through Lance's classes with little to no real plot movement. Give us something more! Something solid — a developing situation, perhaps increasing bullying or a relationship developing.

Characters:
Good to see you're improving Lance's relationship with Bakar. But both are still flat characters! Try making profiles for them, including about three psychological weaknesses and a few strengths each. Give them limited power in some ways. Use every difficulty you can put in their way — horrid teachers, personal problems, the lot. That not only build characters, it also adds to the plot. When a character's life is as difficult as possible, that is when you can relate to him the best!

Logic:
How did the teacher get to hand them a marked map so quickly? Give us details to fill in between jumps of logic. Show us the pen scribbling on the map, everything.

You need more detail and more character building! But great job, none the less!

barefootrunner




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Wed Apr 17, 2013 1:43 am
Devereaux says...



Pretty good, but you still need to include details on what the school looks like, what the classroom looks like, and if you could, slow it down just a little more. But overall, it's a great piece of writing. Keep on at it.





And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
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