Young Writers Society

Howdy!!!!!

ok first off oh my goodness this made me cry! im not joking it was that good and it really seemed to get how i feel and how i am most of the time. i mean its just do hard to get people to understand how hard it is sometimes because either they dont listen or they dont have the time too.
second, i think that saying how the person feels then saying that they can have that fairytale ending was awesome by the way! i mean what person doesnt want somebody to care if they're breathing; someone who wants to see you smile always?
Thirdly, i love the title! the voice for the voiceless was what caught my eye, sometimes i think we all feel like that and you showed that in these song lyrics. i love it keep at it!!

Than you to all who commented... I'll take your words into consideration!

I thought that most of the poem had this special rhythm to it that really flowed nicely except for the beginning. I think that the beginning was a bit choppy when it came to flow. Some of the phrases that you used in here I have heard before which is good because I think it makes more of an impact on the reader, like "oh I heard that before" and then they remember what was said. You point was very clear in that sea breezy sense, calm and subtle but you know it's there and what it is. I really liked your choice of words, you rhymed it and kept the focus on the main point which for some people is difficult to do. I liked this and you message was wonderful, a little more imagery would be cool, but I think what you did with this poem was nice!

Ariana! Here, as requested. Sorry to be getting back to you so late.

I like the rhyming in this okay. But it's really not consistent at all, which is something I find irritating in poetry. It'd be different if you hid the rhyming in places where it wasn't quite so obvious (like the rhyming words at the end of each/every other line). That's something I'll suggest for this. But I suppose it is a stylistic choice.

Of course, I condone the message you are getting across here. I really like how you use repetition with the phrase "a voice for the voiceless." But the feeling I am getting throughout this piece is just kind of.. vague. It's a shame, but still a fact, that we, as humans, identify with individuals more than numbers. When you use words that kind of address a group as a whole (in this case, desperate people), it kind of takes away from the impact. There are tons of broken people out there. Give us something, or better, someone, to relate with - and if we can relate/identify with them, give us yearning. Give us someone to feel compassion for.

Best wishes,
~indie

Hey Rian!

Sorry this review is so late, but I'm finally here, as requested. c:

You've submitted a quality piece, as usual.

Your message is clear (I even understood it-- which is quite an impressive feat) and touching, something we can all relate to and (hopefully) agree with. I know I enjoyed it quite a bit.

I can't think of anything useful too say about it. Your rhythm and pace was very nice, your meaning clear, form fine-- so, basically, no complaints here. c:

Keep writing and give me a call when you post something new!

~Shady

This is a pretty good poem.

It conveys the message, clearly without a doubt.

My only problem is the title. Personally I feel you could have given a more mysterious one considering how well you've written the poem

Overall, I have to say, its a good one..
Well done!

Ariana! Well, as requested! But next time, please do try the WRFF forum to request a review instead, okay! Well, here I am for one big review!

Okay, so first, what a good piece. It talks about the world, humanity, people and hope and those kinds of things. They might seem cliche at first, but it's well presented and I like it. It's like a propaganda thing, which is a good subgenre of poetry. The sense that this poem aims for the better is something truly rewarding to read.

The only things I've noticed is first, how you told the piece, and second, how you focused on it. I think one of the best thing to be found in poetry is the different images it shows in its lines. That I think, is what your piece lacks a bit. The latter parts are okay, for they had seemed to be moved to more of a dramatic propaganda-like tone. But the earlier parts are the description of the voiceless people, and I think they lack a bit more description. How about talking more about their way of life and relating it with the people who can be the voice. A sense of repetition is also great. Write the problems and hardships of the people in that part, then repeat them again as the things us people don't have. Get it? It's kinda confusing I know, but a well presented repetition can make a poem better!

Second is the focus. It's okay to have to styles in one piece; you're trying to explain and describe the voiceless, that's cool, then you're trying to 'awaken' the people. The only thing is, are you trying to focus on the voiceless, or the people? The way you talked in the latter part seemed that you're not considering the voiceless anymore and you want the people to just love each other and all that, making your advocacy less powerful. Check up on this, midear! Also, try to clear up the flow. Delete lines or word which have no sense at all, because believe me, they're not that useful in beautifying a piece

That's all for my review! Sorry for its short length! Good luck writing, Ariana!

Yours indefinitely,
Alf

I really like this! I think you wrote well, it was simple but to the point. And I have often hoped to be the voice for the voiceless and this this could be a great lyric for a song for inspirational workers out in the world trying to change things for the better!

If there was any tip I could give...

It would be to point out the last line doesn't have a period.

Yeah, I liked it, good job and I hope you keep dreaming!

Very inspiring. Though I'm not really sure who you are referring to, even if you are referring to any one at all. There are a few places that are a little rough, like in the first stanza/ paragraph where you stay:

"they pray for the words to speak

that they cannot say."

I do understand the necessity for it, but it doesn't seem to flow well with the rest of the lyrics. Otherwise, there is also here where you said:

"Then show them that there's somewhere

Out there who truly cares"

It would be "someone", or "someone, somewhere". Besides that, I love it.

Hi! First of, this poem is very well written, though you did miss a word in this sentence

Can you see the sadness their eyes,
^
I love how you captured the sadness in the world.
I really, truly love this.

But what if we could be the voice for the voiceless,

^ This is my favorite line. Keep writing!